June 2025
May 2025
Phase 4; #7; Still angry… Still irritable…
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So; I still have more work of dealing with resentment concerning my First Love; I still have to dig into it and get all the poison out! Seems to be dissociation concerning my experience with this person or to differentiate what was real and what was not betrayal and other things; games; still have to dig in and get any anger caused by someone that was not very nice. However, The universe continues to direct me into proper channel ways that I access the poison causing the pain; Thus; Ill stay at it for a while and see what factors work out for me…
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However; its worth noting; My interactions with my FIRST LOVE; has been figured out; solved, understood. (The universe helped me) So; I can move on from this at this specific frequency… I guess.
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Im seeing sexual abuse memories under beneath memories of my First Love… So; aLtho kind of figured out about my first love; something is still sticking; Im still gripped. But Im free; I might take awhile to realize this… I may have gone to fast and not exposed enough truth about the situation yet… I don’t know; it causes me pain right now talking about it so I still have resentments of what happened me …
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What does this mean; its like someone giving me all the money I want but I still feel insecure… and so I question what is going on… I thought I would feel completely different. Think of someone rich but they hate their lives… I mean; one would think money would make them happy; they have all the money in the world; but they are not happy. I thought if I worked on this case concerning my first love; at some point Id get to the end of it and that would fix my unhappiness; but its not; its helping; but something else is eating at me; something else underneath.
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So; Ive got resentments against her; Ill keep digging them out; or expectations that my life would become this newer experience that never happened and I got dumped and left behind back in a world of nothing; and Im still mad about it because of expectations….
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Expectations are the big deal. And expectations are a hot brick that leads to the creation resentments. Hmm? Still obsessively angry. Still dissociation angry. Ill dig in; but the top of the witches cauldron is off; Im free to go. But theres still pain at the bottom of this steal wooled soup dish!
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It will just take time; Im grieving is whats happening. It will take awhile…
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Ive had expectations for a long time about everything; Its taken along time to replace fantasy with God for help; Still hurt and being abandon when young is hard; and so; all of that has to be gone through; and I suppose God will do so along with me helping God since we are in this together..
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Im in a healing situation; and so; Ill just let it happen and develop…
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Im also in a manifestation situation; So; Im doing 3 things at the same time. Im healing up from the past; thats what it looks like slowly; Im in the present again somewhat and learning how to function and slowly take respond-ability; respond to response.. give n take back n fourth… slowly; this is where disability occurs… And Im trying to manifest a future… through the laws of attraction and success based thinking and my higher power.
Lets throw a 4th in; Hobbies and Calling… and recovery work…
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HIGH SCHOOL; How I really wanted it; how it was suppose to be… and maybe I can change somethings…
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So; I would have been someone from a regular home in a small town; I would have been involved in my church and in the schools Christian clubs and stuff like that; those clubs that meet after school and other times… At noon; Campus Christian stuff…. Im not sure of the names anymore from when I was in Junior high or high school… anyway… it was a very long time ago… Young life; campus crusades; that might be college level; not sure… agape club and stuff…
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Because of the abuse and neglect; everything turned out the opposite…
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One main problem I would have never known about; the kid I befriended in the beginning of my life; and grade school; I had made a big big mistake meeting him; but would never have known; I was a small boy at that time. Only later with the cracks in this dome start to show would I start to question what is going on… When I was thrown away at the age of 9-10; He made horrific comments to me when I really needed him most. It was obvious he was not my friend. And this was horrific and bizarre; I now believe what happened then. His mother prompted him to allow me to come over to his house; she did this out of guilt I think; she thought I was some loser kid in the neighborhood; beneath her and her family and she was help me out; this latchee kid. However, she would not allow me in her house without a reason; meaning; she decided I would be helping her son get socialized with other boys his own age; he only had sisters. This means Im an object and thats the only reason Im allowed around these superior people; One has to have a reason for me to be on their property. As if I was going to their home to worship them. I simply wanted a friend; I was a little kid making friends; These sick f_$Ks…. Later I will leave and never return; after I found out what their really like; Unbelievable.
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I want to say; I may have called him my best friend at some point; but I don’t remember doing so; he was the kid I always hung around; I always went to his house and always called him after school or went to school with him; I just thought he was my best friend and he must have thought the same way. I was way off. Had no idea of the kind of scumbag people I was associating with. He never thought of me as a friend… I don’t think these kind of people have friends; they had money and thought they were superior to everyone. Almost kind of sociopathic… pathological.
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Looking back. When I think of Who I am and what Im worth; Ill be changing my past; it will be without him or his sicko family in the picture… This time Im on my own as I recreate my early years…. Ill go it alone; Ill work with God and pray allot and talk to my teachers; Ill write stories as if Im talking to my teachers and taking care of business myself.
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So; its important as I start to feel better about myself right now; its very important that I do things and see things differently from when young; this time I go solo. I start over when re creating my life when young; I see myself doing all new things and working with God from the start and no one else. This time if I see myself joining Young Life as a child or young teen; Its on my own; no best friend; nobody. Ill meet new people as I go along and those people will be nice people ( Aligned with God first); everything will be storied different this time. Ill be a good student this time by working hard and honestly… and Ill only allow those who are going to help me with my future involved… Things will be completely different.. ( God will be in charge).
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Ill have to start this change from ages 3 ½.. on the way up. Keep changing things the way I want them or wanted them and see myself around the people and opportunities I always wanted; Just keep writing those new scripts about my life. ( God is in charge).
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Ill write enough new scripts about my past that’ the new kid in me would have done things different then what actually happened. In reality; I was the kid that would have been at church and other christian things and conservative and a great student; that person was already developed but completely disarmed and flipped upside down by being thrown away at age 9. I start new stories to rebuild a new past; ( God in charge).
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SO; This means I take responsibility for who I was going t become when young; since I cant go back; I get to re create my past and become what I wanted to be or create in the first place on paper and in my imagination; and that will be my past… and Ill go from there… ( God is in charge).
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I will not allow the sycophants of the past to rule over my happiness or freedom in this life… I wont sell myself out to them just because I made a mistake associating with them; I will work with God to render a new beginning with a new story erasing them and starting over with God… This means a much more Austere life style.. It means Ill not be waiting for a life style by way of someone elses hands as I did when young; I waited for my parents and teachers and all these other people I thought were going to show up and help me; No one did; the opposite occurred; they dumped me completely got rid of me if they could get away with it. This time ( God is in charge).
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So; I can really see this; me; coming back to being me again. Im not there yet. Dissociative disorder; PTSD; AVPD; Being horrifically hurt and destroyed out here; I can hardly let anyone get near me. So; Ill work with God on all this because; ( God is in charge).
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Music; My interest in music is my little music studio; getting the right equipment and Im having a hard time with it… Ill keep praying and working with God on it; higher power. Not sure what is going on; its blocked; I mean; really blocked. So… ( God is in charge); ill meditate and pray about it.
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FIRST LOVE; Not over her yet! Not yet!
Ill keep working on it until that time comes when I know. I mean; She wont be needed within my inner or outer life or self worth or purpose. ( God is in charge).
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She was my purpose when young and I lost her. I had no reason to live anymore. I want my reason to live with out her to come back; to get a new purpose or my original purpose without her. Getting me back; thats what I so want… Im working on this… ( god is in charge).
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