June 2025
May 2025
Abandonment is the next problem..
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It may be the core or closer to the core of the main problem
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My parents abandon me and I lost everything and my future and dreams and hope and identity and God and everything; all things; No longer believed in anything…
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I was a lost soul. Had no one; nothing….
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I do allot of 4th steps from 12 step groups with a sponsor…
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Im starting to see that my problems are not just about dealing with others; they are about the loss… For example; I meet someone thinking it will work out; but it doesn’t; and I have to go home;
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I may be able to let go of the person things didn’t work out with; but I cant seem to leave; meaning leave their home and go home to my situation; I just cant handle being forced to leave another building; another place another group; where I have to go home and start over; its like being forced to go home and start over again…
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I just cant add to the stress of that trauma again and again and again… over n over n over…
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Im really feeling it; this abandonment stuff; all of it; that means Im becoming present again and Ive got sponsors and others for help and meetings I can go through and to on a daily basis.. so…
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This abandonment issue is the next big issue for me; Its not old resentments of strangers that never liked me or my expectations about those strangers… Ive worked through some of that. This is now focusing on abandonment by my parents and what I lost and how to regain at-least the ability to walk a journey to and fro to the new places God is sending me for the rejoining process to the community. I need the ability to walk away if things don’t work out; and they don’t always; life is a risky business and things don’t always go the way I think they are going to go; Sometimes situations end up unsafe or with out the ability for change or manageability and its time for me to leave; theirs nothing more for me at those places; I cant help anyone and no one will miss me; they simply do not see any value in me or its not a safe place; so I must venture home; trek home.
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TREKKING HOME:
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The Trek Home is the issue; the problem; its the journey home; it triggers to much abandonment of being forced out of new situations and being forced to walk home to a new place I don’t know about. Its just way over my head; the stress. The PTSD…
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So; I will be working on this with God/Jesus/ Universe/ Holy spirit; The Holy one!
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So; I will learn; maybe God can turn it into a beautiful experience with wonderful colors and gardens and waterfalls as I walk home; seeing it as an enchanted experience and believe or imagine Im in a paradise; why not. We will see; Ill be asking God for hope for these things; for discovering my needs and interests that God has ordained for me out in the real world… amen
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