June 2025
May 2025
How to move forward…?
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Pray; am I suppose to move forward God…
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What does this mean.
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I saw a picture of a guy from the 1940’s. He was a guitarist. He had 2 fingers; I don’t know the back story; accept he became a famous guitarist.
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My question is; Do I want to be like him. I guess. I mean; it sounds good. Im working with God on this.
Its like I've got this 2 year tunnel of darkness or something I have to go through… I think. Something; to get me back into productive purposeful like again. Ill keep praying.
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I thought about guitar; But it never happens. Its like; I have no faith or feeling of what it must be like on the other side; I just don’t believe it. So. NOT BELIEVING is the first problem Ill work on with God. This means lots of new stories…
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Im not even sure what subject; Painting; Guitaring; Not relation-shipping for this subject; I don’t think… Not that I cant work on that. But I mean; its more Activity type stuff. Drama? Writing stories?
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Whats frustrating is; Im not sure how to start accept in my imagination; start writing about what I would like to see happen.
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I assume this is a direction.
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Microscoping… ?
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What happen’s? I get all feeling it; buy something and then a week later it all comes tumbling down. I get anxious.. I want everything right now… I don’t want to work for it. So I just avoid the whole thing..
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IT would help if I know what subject to pic to work on…
Wooden boat building;
Bicycling
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This is where I sit; I sit with this idea of wanting to develop something but wont do anything. To much negative thinking associated with my failures in it; I never follow through…
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So; I wont get anything if I don’t follow through…
I do want to get somewhere right?
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The unknown kills me. I want to be safe but I also want that exciting life I earned… I want to be that rock guitarist who gets into his music creating; but I don’t want to have to learn how to play guitar…
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Will this ever end?
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I guess Im lying about the guitar stuff; I guess I don’t want to be a guitarist after all; I mean; Im not willing to do anything; but Im never willing to do anything; And their it is.
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I guess I could pray for willingness.
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The problem is; I don’t know what is going on here. I don’t know what Im suppose to be doing.
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I did get a small shift feeling of; Go down the energy river and it will appear for you…
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OKE…
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I guess I have to be willing…
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I absolutely need to know what Im suppose to be doing.
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Im safely on the other side… of the side where life exists and Im participating in my life and future.
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Its like Im in the sexual abusers house stuffed in a corner of the basement talking to myself for the rest of my life. Cant move within myself; stuck…
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So; Im working with God on what to do next…
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I know of artists and musicians who do their art! Why not me be one of them? Why not? ThaTS where Im so torn up.
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Sing writing?
I don’t know…
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What am I willing to sacrifice. I was thinking about a female movie star from years ago when I was a boy; For her to get good at her craft as actor; She had to sacrifice. This was decades ago when acting could be a viable choice for fame… Still. What does it take for someone to hang in their and do what they love to do…
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What do I love to do. Ill pray about it. Going after what I want to do; Working with God… And staying with God… Working with God on building what I want. And start by doing things and not stopping. Just keep at it I guess.
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However; God; where do I start; on what?
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I quite so easily. I don’t understand… I quite; this is part of the problem… I give up to easily on everything.
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GOD WHAT DIRECTION??????????????????
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I quite so easily. I don’t understand… I quite; this is part of the problem… I give up to easily on everything. Something to look at. Ill pray for it.
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Im not very good at something; Id have to start out where Im at; getting into practicing of it. Get into practice. Im scared it would take to long; is this true? Really true? What?
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Im afraid of the requirements; I wont be as smart as I think I am; SO; its all vanity; thats whats causing this… I guess..
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What am I thinking. I have to practice; I have to have a plan; I have to have a reason to practice and know where Im going and I don’t. Ive never thought bout it. Ill work with God on this.
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Its like I want to be up and ready; already sharp; not have to practice to get better.
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Its like I want to go to the gym; As if Im already a body builder.. I wont put in the work. I don’t know why? Its like Ive given up on hard work. Its done nothing for me.
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However; I never done the real hard work to sacrifice for what I really want. Ill talk to God bout this.. Im starting to get closer to the problem…
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I HAVE A PROBLEM;
I can see a future in my imagination; but no connection to the real world on how to get started or the actual reality of it; working on things; slowly getting stronger. And this middle ground slowly getting me stronger at a thing and then what to do with it in the real world; What do I need to do..
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So Im seeing a few things.
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1. The subject of interest to work in; Like guitar or bongo playing or composing… or drawing… writing…
2. Starting out; accepting starting out… the reality of where Im actually at with something.
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3. Where in reality am I going. Where do I want to go; what vision for the outside world; where do I fit in.
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4. How to make it through the beginning to the middle… until I get solid. I give up so easily. I mean…
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Knowing where Im going. Right Thoughts. Ill ask God about all of this. Pray about it…
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I don’t know where to start because I don’t know what to start with that I follow through.. I don’t know what God has in mind for me.
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