July 2025
June 2025
Blog…
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Starting to open up; Starting to pray about opening up. Starting to ask God for help concerning taking some action while I also have a goal or philosophy. This means; I have a desire interest; Id like to learn how to take action along with the thoughts on the desire.
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However; it all must be tempered within the constrains of the disability or I will parish very quickly.
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I can already feel the pain and exhaustion of the disability hitting on me from taking actions recently.
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I can only stay and participate at something for so long before I start to avoid and dissociate and then I must leave and go home.
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Should this stop me. NO! Ill talk to God about. I want the ability to focus on taking actions with my desires as a main focused point or goal; meaning it becomes a main focus of interest…
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Call it a work ethic point. A higher standard of work ethic. So; I don’t just talk about dating the right women: I work with God on how to take actions appropriate with where Im at in my life and abilities… to go with it. No longer is it just future planning and or planning on paper and in imagination. I also talk to God about pathways that lead to real world interactions… I learn to take some adjusted beginning action; practice for a beginner…
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NOTE; I must learn; I ask God on my knees if I can; hands out; I plead with God; and ask God and work with God for what I want. I tell God what I want… connecting with God… And thus; let God bring what Ive asked for and I stay out of it; because I have no power; God has all the power… amen… I have to learn to keep my hands out of the cookie jar!
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FEAR; SHAME, And PRIDE> Failure and Discouragement
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My God; have I got insecurities dealing with the real world and being myself in it around others…
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This has stopped me in my tracks as far as the real world… I don’t want to be judged and torn apart…
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So; Ill take it to God…
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Ive had my life stripped away by situations and people; and also Failure and Discouragement; totally bottomed out completely until their was nothing left. And their was nothing left to start with. And I was way way way under age; Just a child; a young child when this was being done to me over n over.
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I have no space within me to take more….
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So; Here I am; an Old or Senior citizen with years of recovery work; working with God wanting to do this again; to try. I want to live my life…
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So; Under God Im willing to try this…
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Im willing to try and live my life again… Under Gods care…
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OPENED UP 5 DIFFERENT WAYS IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS….
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Several hobbies…
meeting new people; opening up to them
Just started a writing club where we share our written stories at a location
Just make a DnD character for real board game RPG Dungeons and Dragons…
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Started several MMORPG’s…. and lots other classic games…
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Several hobbies and callings that require just a dab of paint; if you know what I mean. I means; start with a word a note or a dab of paint; on that story, on the song on that painting. Start it and work at it everyday… When my skills become developed enough from experience over n over n over; take those things Ive created; make sure their good enough for a band or a wall or a story night; and then Says God; “ take them out into the public and share them…” They will be at a basic level of professionalism. They don’t have to be perfect; but they need to be good enough; solid enough to have as a piece of art work on someones wall… or a song played by a band; or a story that might not be publishable but maybe is professionally done enough to put into a contest or even an online non profit mag for writers…
Am I making my point… The art pieces I want to make; They have to be more then amateur… that means I have to learn skills at a competent level; but also production skills where the finished product doesn’t have any clerical flaws; grammar needs to be correct; syntax structure… layout… In painting; The painting needs to be finished; even; balanced; geometrically sound; not amateurish. Same with the music; needs to be mixed correctly and written correctly for video; Like on you-tube or internet radio… Doesn't have to be perfect; I mean; I don’t have to be the most talented person in the world but the work needs to be done professionally enough; high enough standard that its sound and ready to go; solid…
This means hundred of hours of Grind. I have to change my attitude… and learn to work at things like no one owes me anything… I have to learn to keep going; keep at it until the work is truly finished and ready to go…
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Ive got to learn how to do this; I mean; to be willing and break through that higher level frequency of professionalism. I have to learn skills…
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It all comes down to accepting that talents is not something I can depend on. Ive got to depend on my skill, good attitude and work ethic.. Character. I have to practice the most basic skills I don’t have… Practice them over n over n over until I understand that practicing skills is how to get better at skills…
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I have to admit Ive never practiced anything in my life; I never bothered; to discouraged. Now I would like to. And Im not used to it.
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Im not use to the skill of shading anything in art work; Im not used to drawing things correctly; like a face or an animal or a building; Im not used to putting in the time to make sure the figure of the painting is symmetrical and balanced and even. And these things are not about talent; they are about Grinding work… keeping the standard high..
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Lets not even talk about grammar… I don’t know grammar; I wouldn't know how to apply it; its way over my head. I feel like running under a couch and hiding.
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Spelling; 80% wrong most of the time; the other 20%; I lucked out. I totally don’t know anything; no rules… totally embarrassing.
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Music; I only know about half the notes on the staff if that; but I have been working on it… Its just so hard to admit.
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I do want enthusiasm for all of this; meaning; to train with all of these things I don’t know much about.
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Ive been like a 40 year beginner at everything… Avoidance is the only thing Ive been good at!
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I haven't given up because out of timidness; I never got started… I wouldn't go that far… if I continue to do what Im doing; I might just start and cross the starting line and be willing to be in that race. We will see…
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Its all really about work ethic these days; completing what I start; making sure its presentable at a high level of competency. Its about the frustrating grind creating something when I have no developed skills; Sure Im creative; Great.
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Creativity with no discipline is like having wings with no feet! One can never land and get started.
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At this point; I need feet made of steal brick and Iron. I need to be really solid and not worry about if Im actually any talented at anything. I need to focus more on the presentation of what I create. It would be better to create something very easy and simply and work on that presentation of it that it can be ready for someones wall or maybe a you-tube channel…
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I think Im making myself clear… I might be denying something but Im only going where God is telling me.
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It is trying; all of this; because it triggers that dysfunctional wall of anxiety of the anxiety disorder; and to open up so much like this scares the hell out of me… really does… I have to work with God to just hang on; I feel like Im going to have another nervous mental break down just writing about it…. So; here we go!
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So; I have allot on my plate and allot to work on...Im just so scared to come back out into the world where I was already destroyed in earlier lifes when I had no way to protect myself.
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I want to work with God to be protected this time… find solutions first before they happen.
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Im trying to get to grips with the facts I have little to no skills at anything and Ill be basically starting with no skills to basic skills; I want be learning them over night; it might take lots of months and years; Ill work with God to be aligned with God. Ill have to stick it out.
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One area God is showing me is “ Hey; start smaller start with something easier… Don't worry about a big subject matter; just create something simple and make it balanced and uniform and symmetrical”; And really work on its presentation; make that things solid; Because making it solid is about the work I put into it; not the talent its more about the grind. How much work I put into the presentation; I really need to focus on that; its more importantly…
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Make sure the subject is in the center of the page; make sure the perspective is correct on all areas of the page… use basic shadowing; small amounts; but try to get it right. And if its to hard to understand how to shadow or other skills; and I cant get it; Try just one shadow; but get it uniform and correct and balanced on the page… Are start with no shadowing.
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Not all dresses are fancy; some are plain Jane; But if one wants to sell them; They all must be at a sell-able standard level of compatibly and professionalism.
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God is stressing for me to cut back on the EGO “ Boasting; I can create anything nonsense”; Instead; make something so simple; anyone can put it in the center of a picture and paste it; draw it in… And then get the rest of the picture up to selling/viewing par on someones wall… Meaning the equivalent of that level. Will it go on someones wall; I don’t now…
I don’t have to put it on someones wall; Just want to know its professionally ready for someones wall; no one is going to reject it because its armature.
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That is the goal here. Im getting what Jesus is telling me!
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cleaned up part of my apartment; This suggests coming out of monk mode… Very important…
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Worked through past associations where I was fooling myself; I spent years living on false lies and fantasies about people who never liked me and never felt a thing for me. I was not strong enough to handle the truth and let go of that complete fabricated fantasy I had build around them. I mean; I didn’t even need the real person that they be represented in my brain… I created a new person to go with their face within my mind….
The original person was a complete stranger; someone I really never talked to much and never spent all that much time with… I was around her a few months and then less n less. Technically I could say I spent a few months of non important interaction with this person. Nothing worth remembering… I never opened up much about who I am. And she was not interested either way…
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I claim they were my friends my girlfriends or someone I was going to marry; All Nonsense; I lied; I made it up. Their was no one that was going to marry me… When did I put out the work to find the right people for such an endeavor. Did I talk to Jesus and get help; NO!
Not only where they not marriage partners for me; ( They certainly didn’t want to marry me)( they didn’t even know I existed); They were not my girlfriends; I never asked anyone out for a date; a real date; I would have been scared to death to do that; never kissed anyone; never held any ones hand or told anyone how I felt; to much for me. They were not my friends because they were not the type; They didn’t have any value for a person like me. They weren’t interested… They had no interest in me… So; I lied… I made it up… made myself into the victim… and blamed the world and then got a drinking problem.
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I mean seriously; it makes one wonder; “ Why was I around people like this in the first place; what was I expecting to get”. I was hanging around people that could never value me or appreciate me for any reason or level; nothing; Why would I try to create a false future with them in my head; One would think it best for me to walk away from them as fast as possible and stay safe before I got thrown off their property for trespassing. And thats what almost happened… Almost. My fantasy nonsense almost ran out… I was almost beat up…
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PRIDE BEFORE THE FALL. I was not interacting with people in my league… Id have to work with Jesus On that. And still do…
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Just because I was mad; didn’t mean anyone in the world owed me anything. It all backfired. I ended up lying to people about who I was to get into their door and their lives… IT didn’t last long!
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So. Im getting it… I was trying to make friends with people I had no business around. This idea of randomly picking people to attempt to get close to; I mean; that can get someone beat stabbed and robbed; if nothing else stripped of their life and dignity… That's all that ever happened to me… I was habitually stupid dumb! Over n over n over… Im not sure I ever came out of dumb. But at least Ive got God!
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And for a long time I blamed other people for it.
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How can it be someone else’s fault; Non of these people ever came to me. If I had not gone to them they would have never met me…. Is this the best I can do…
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I didn’t even try to work with God to attract the right people or ask God How to attract the right people. I never worked with God…
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So; the key is to work with God; allow God to bring the right people to me… That means Gods in charge… The horse before the cart… I have to ask for what I want and believe it; I have to learn how to receive it from God and believe Im good enough and worthy to receive it; and I can ask God on how to do that; and listen through meditation for the answers..
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Keep working with God on everything…
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The goal is to work through the BREAKDOWN WALL… Keep working on it; I get sick to my stomach when ever I get to close to it!… It stars bringing up all the PTSD long term… and I just cant take anything of it; it triggers all my dissociation. However; Id like to break through the Breakdown Wall. Id like to produce something; that is the goal. Maybe even a decent relationship with A women God wants to send me; And I being ready for it. Ill work and earn what I need through Gods pathways and Gods instructions… We will see…
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PRIDE BEFORE THE FALL>..
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Pride is the number one problem of all. For it keeps me from reaching a very humble state… When Im in a humble state; Im very lowly; “ The meek shall inherit the earth.
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When Im in a lowly state; Ill look up. Ill be very appreciate to work toward something above me; ill value it and think “ Wow; that's valuable”; and ill appreciate working toward it… It will mean something to me; when I look up to it.
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When Im humble I can work with Gods frequencies because God has no interest in being Prideful in a negative way; God doesn’t have to; God has no reason to impress mortals hes trying to save… He is just God…He is the Father.. He is the Father/Mother and God is at a basic level of frequency…
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I have to get lower through a higher level character to match that frequency.
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When I can match Gods frequency; I can connect my heart and Gods together and I can receive God energy into me. I can ask God; God is teaching me how to connect to God! And I can ask this over n over n over for ever and ever; slowly getting stronger with time connection with God…..
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Pride before the fall….
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When Im at a high Pride Ego level; I have no appreciation for what Im dealing with; no value; its like Im spoiled… What is directly in front of me; I wont value enough…. And thats the problem with life…
Want to value food; have non for a month…
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I have to stay away from hating anything; hate raises the justified resentment meter 1000% … Thus; I spend my days hating and justifying it within my mind until Im consumed with it.
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And in the end I still never mature or get anywhere… Im empty; I have the mind of a 6 year old… and ive accomplished nothing in this life…
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Resentments can be dealt with within the step guides ( working with a sponsor); from 12 step groups. I believe the 12 steps work very well for corning and looking at and working through resentments…
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PRIDE BEFORE THE FALL
HORSE BEFORE THE CART
ASK GOD: GOD DELIVERS; I stay out of it… I put out my hands and receive… I do nothing else. God has the power I do not. I go to where the power is….
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Keep praying; keep making God pathways to what I want on paper… Keep making gratitude lists… Keep working on new stories for my goals as if I already have them and Im successful about getting what I want before I get them… Amen.
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