June 2025
May 2025
Preparing to start over…
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Ill start a new Phase level after a few more blogs; maybe 5 I think...
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Im writing a few blogs until I officially start over relationally speaking; This means Ive done enough work on past relationships; they are gone and buried; but still alive… The door to the past is not shut; but these cruel evil people I unfortunately were knifed by and destroyed; they are no more in my personal experience; they are graveyards I accepted as gone. I revisited; dug up; re examined as God had told me… And I sat with the dead and I sat with myself; the dead; for with my codependency; long ago I created a place for me within their coffins and I died with them. Now; Ive gone back to their coffins; Ive opened up those dark ladd’n tombs; Ive unearthed those taverns of the dead. Ive opened those secret doors; And with the right fluorescent keys; Ive unlocked myself from the trauma bond latching me to these slain killers…
And sitting; I watched as part of me had arise’d from their bodies. It was me in blue silhouette. I could see my ghost self; Ghost self woke up; leaned forward; I crawled out of the their body; looked around slowly; saw me; then joined me in my body.. I stood up; walked out of the tombs and here I am writing at my desk. It hurts really bad… Its sickening what some of these people did to me. Its unbelievable( Its unbelievable I associated with them). But they had no conscious; and they had no conscious before I met them( why would I meet them?). They were unsafe people to associate with; for anyone to associate with… It was like I found a river of blood when I met them; they were the river of blood. And I was swallowed up by the river and never knew it until I began to disintegrate. They were truly sinister murder’s. They did not care about right or wrong; nothing! The only choice I would have with such monsters would be to turn and go home… They were Godless; and not seeking God. For I was the best person they had ever met; and that is the folly of the situation; they never asked for a good person to show up around them; why would vampires ask for such things; Im the last person they would be interested in on planet earth. They had no interest in human beings or being human; for they knew nothing of such marked heaven created qualities…
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The horror is in the shock of so innocently making the mistake of associating with monsters when I was attempting to look for people who would help me develop and want to be my friend; I found the opposite and never knew until it was to late. Possibly in life; there is a principle of wisdom here. Never enter a village swept clean; never enter a village that is quiet with its gates open; IT IS TRAP… Ive now learned this lesson many times; being ambushed… dismembered and destroyed…
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I made a mistake of counting on others help to build me back up. Never have expectations…? I did not know this; I was an innocent broken person who just wanted to be loved. Im afraid murder’rs do not care… And thats what I have to live with… The more I write about such things; the more I understand the difference between good and evil. The more I realized I was with organized murder’rs with no conscious. It was not hard for them to manipulate and groom me; I did not know. I did not know what was going on. I had no idea… I was completely confused… I was expecting decent people. Looking back; Why would I do that? Now; I know better… Not everyone respects God or being human or human laws or the judicial system. They are pure evil…
Never saw what they were… it was right in front of me and I never saw it; thats what made me so mad… And now; living with the horrible scars and being raped inside n out in every form… The fact they got inside me in different ways through deception… Its just sickening. I feel like a rape victim trying to go out into the world heal and get back into the groove of things; get back into relationships; its so very hard!
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ON WITH THE SHOW:
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So; technically; Im now asking God about new relationships. Im better then before; maybe not ready for new relationships just yet; but almost; but not yet; Im still not out of yesteryear; but almost; Im on the fringes; but the fringes have requirements for passing the gates into open lands… Im very close but still have work to do. Im not done yet… My mind is still in the trenches.. But not for long… but its deep and it will be painful… I have not earned my maturity out of this yet. Ill seek God on this.
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I have more work to do; maturity costs. I have things to face… I have pathways within my imagination to create and walk; walk to my new destinations… Im walking out of the mine fields within my imagination first… and when accomplished; Ill apply it to the real world and see where Im at.
The more work I create in my imagination and complete; The further Ill be in the real world; Ill have shor’n up the gaps between ages; my ages; my adolescence age and the age it takes to create reasonable action to propel me forward. A gap resides between the innocent age of my youth and the experience age that is required to protect me; make the right decisions; The innocent me living in a fantasy; the older me living according to survival rules. The goal is to get the adolescence me back under the care of the adult me; both working together… A large gap and a dissociative field separate me from myself. However, it may be the last one of its kind specifically concerning certain areas of my past; but it must be dealt with; I must go to war one last time and fight several battles and thus close the gap…
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Several hours later;
I just woke up; late at night; I can feel a restlessness. I felt this horrible feeling of being tortured. It was PTSD stuff I think. It felt like someone had been in complete control of me and was putting me into impossible situations I could not win. Like I had been trapped like an animal. And that specific person was my First Love. So; Im starting to understand what I may have gotten myself into… and how mad I was that I was in a situation I could not win; That I had been seduced by an offender personality; a torturer… Thats all it was; and how I was not awake emotionally and spiritually to see it.. How humiliating it was I had not been awake to see what I had fallen into..
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I remember when very young; my father making sure his boys were safe from my mother. Keeping her inline. Keeping her away from us and her sick family system… In the end; This would make no sense. He and his family were the same; no different. No one was actually protecting me from anything. I just thought they were… I was trapped. It was all a larger act put on by both of them; a sick game.
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Im in a lot of pain right now. If I can keep working through this triggered pain; it might be a sign Im slowly working my way out of it; from the past and the present; slowly! Its very trapping! Its horrible.
I remember being at my best friends house when young; staying over night. Little did I know; they were no different then my parents; they were the same kind of people. Sickening. I was not safe their. I did not know it.
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As I wake up spiritually right now; hopefully I can over come some of this stuff and get back on my feet. It might happen.
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Earlier today; I felt a strange feeling; I felt a feeling about future relationships and how God is now with me at this moment. Hes with me now in real time concerning relationships. I can work with God right now; on the spot. I don’t have to become a victim in freeze mode; get stuck in a situation and then take it to someone else later for help. Im becoming more independent now; just a little; standing on my own 2 feet.
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I can feel God taking the place of the 12 step groups. And that is a huge masterly heavenly gift from God. I told God I wanted out of those groups. I wanted to get better somehow; and move back into society again.
These groups have allot of perpetrators in them; But its free therapy. Its hazardous at time... but its free...
I am damage goods and have been subject to torture of different levels 2 many times; I never feel safe anywhere in society around anyone for any reason.
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Ill keep working on all of this. So much pain Im in… its extremely deep and overwhelming. Im not able to function right now at anything… My nervous system aches…
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In some meetings; I really feel the need to be safe! I still need my recovery. Ill have to work with God on this.
Ill have to work with God on betrayal… all of the people that betrayed me.
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New people; being betrayed again!
I think I may have found similar people in order to repair what happened with my parents… and I never won. I just got more betrayed by new people. Ill work with God on all of this; However, like I mentioned; Im being betrayed again. I think I can win; but Im in unwinnable situations.
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Relationship;
God is now with me in relationships; day to day! This is a form of independence. This is something that happens through humiliation. One has to become humbled for God to enter them at this level. Its like becoming a boy again and God is with me everyday; like when I was a boy!
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Everything hurts right now…
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I still have a long way to go… right now; I just want to get over the inner pain… the triggering in my nervous system.
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Safety is the key… Working with God is the key… praying on my knees and meditation…
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Ill start praying to have new recovery meeting to attend or some equivalent…
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ORGANIZATION:
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My room; or living situation; it is much more clean these days and organized and stays that way. It was not like this before. IT seems the outside world is becoming more organized for me… Its only been a couple of years that its stayed organized… But it has…
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Slowly; Im keeping it cleaner…
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MUSIC; Ive bought new music gear; a new monitor and laptop stand. I look at my desk and it looks over crowed and it appears like many of my past ventures. I seem to buy more stuff then I need; or once I get all of this stuff; I realize what it looks like in the real world when put together and it has a kind of over-done look. Its much like someone who buys a bus pass to go all over the country when all they really need it for is to go down town in their home town.
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Speaking of home town; Im not sure I come from any town. Or from anything. Ill talk to God about this so I can feel like I belong somewhere… Ive spent half my life in those 12 step meetings and called that home. And Ill pray about that because Ive been their long enough to have established a new home and thus I can exit the place.
I think others sense that; that Ive but in the time to call those places my home and I can leave anytime I want… I have to watch tho because they will try and have been trying to control me or intimidate me in some case; over run my boundaries because of this reason. I need to be a little more covert about things.. Keep more of a low profile right now; maybe go to some other meetings… Something. Ill pray about it. Ill pray about the whole thing.
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Im very exited about having God back in my life on a daily basis Like when I was a kid; I can feel it… I got this way because Ive felt like I was home again inside me; aligned. Ill do more aligning work with God through meditation.
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Having God back in this specific way; its happening because I feel like I belong again.
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The problem is; the meetings I attend.. the vampires can sense this about me; that Im getting somewhere; and they will come over and un over my boundaries over n over n over; I mentioned above; the reason someone of us attend these meetings; they are free therapy; its like group therapy every night; it free. Unfortunately; it also means anyone can show up; and unfortunately at times; some really bad people do show up; offenders; criminals.. and these groups become more their groups with their friends then an actual 12 step group. People like myself get driven out. So; im trying to hang on and trust God where God wants me to go to get the recovery I need...
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Ive lucked out so far. Ive been to a million cazillion recovery meetings; enough to call the place my home. I dont always win; Sometimes the bad takes over and Im ousted... I have to work with God on this and the next moves I take.
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