June 2025
May 2025
Blog;
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2 areas to look at;
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A. Relationships
B. Occupations/Activities…
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RELATIONSHIPS;
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So; Ive worked hard on recovery for relationships self knowledge and worth; Im back to knowing what Im interested in.. The kind of person. So; its back; Thus; my self worth is back; its at the equal level of what I want… of what I remember; Its all God; God is and has this to happen and allowed it; for me to get back my self worth level. Im not saying it strong; Im suggesting its surfaced with no snags…
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However; lets get something strait! Altho I know the traits of what Im interested in; it doesn’t guarantee the right person to go with it… Meaning; I might get close to the bullseye; but not centered hole in one.
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When I was in High School 9th grade on up… I only liked one girl… I didn’t want anyone else. I liked her because she was way above intelligence levels; More like a future Lawyer; but she was sensitive… And those are the traits I love… However; when in high school; She did not like me… She saw no real values in me; Nothing… So; that means Im 50% of the way forward when in high school; concerning attracting and finding what I wanted… Unfortunately when in high school I was devastated by all of this… I did not have a higher power partnership on my side…
I found the right kind of person; but not the right person. I didn’t know God could lead me to the right people.
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Today; I work with a higher power for this end; I will learn under my higher powers care; how to become the right kind of person that the universe is trying to send and match me up with… Ill work with the universe on this… I have some examples of what Im looking for today…. And its perfectly inline with the universe… And what does that mean; it means I know myself better today then yesterday and I know generally and more specifically relation-ally speaking; what I want.
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So; I will be working with the universe on this subject…
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NOTE: Do I have to bring up relationships anymore in 12 step groups; Hopefully at this point; it will decline to a point where I wont need the 12 step groups I attend for this relational matter; I wont need their help anymore for me to discover the definition of what Ive lost and what Im looking for in relationships; Those answers have come-a-bout!… To A Point? We will see; Just getting started in this new level of self worth and acceptance and knowledge; suddenly of what I want…
The point is; I got my worth back; Hurrah! So; do I need to go to the 12 step groups anymore and talk about it; Well. Maybe? Maybe not; I know yet; I haven't even started yet on a platform with the universe on this for developing new relationships.
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B. WORK/Activities/Occupations…
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WORK ETHIC:
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I have a heavy load of learning concerning creating specific kinds of Art… I have to break everything down into its basic forms and re learn or learn it for the first time; A Very Heavy Work Load. A work load of information; basic beginning information; basic skills; knowing my craft; because I know nothing.
I lied; I lied to everyone; Im a fake; and I know nothing… I never studied the basics; I faked it; I lied…
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Ive dreamed and fantasized about things; about knowing things; when in reality; I know nothing… For example;
One can fantasize about playing Rock Guitar; But that does not mean they know anything about guitars or how to play them.
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This; Ive done; Ive done this fantasizing for years concerning different interests… I like the idea of the interest until I have to actually do the work; suddenly Im AVPD; and wont deal with the dissociation's surrounding it…
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So; I have a heavy work load to deal with; a work load of learning; My pride says I don’t have to learn… Im to good for this…
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Work Ethic is whats next…
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If I wanted to be a Math Teacher; IMPOSSIBLE; Cant even go to the community college and finish anything; could take an Art Class; but would never do the work; Part of me Is in the past… Bad things that happened to me in the past are controlling me. When young; bad things associated with Work Ethic are presently controlling me. So; Im starting to officially work on it; much like I did the concept of Relationships.
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Ill have to work with the universe on this Work Ethic situation; My Worth and lack of worth in Work Ethic; bad feelings toward myself and abandonment from every angle when young; all of this affecting work ethic. Sexual abusers and abuse; controlling work ethic… Losing life and world when young; abandonment; All affect present work ethic…
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So; work ethic; What does it mean?; I believe if I can relate this to the work discoveries the universe has put forth within my grasp; Thus; work ethic has to do with self worth. When the universe allows me ( assuming Ive earned the right) working with my Higher powers will; assuming Ive earned the walk down the pathway; assuming Ive worked at the walk down Gods pathway; assuming Ive been partnered with God and allowed myself to be teachable and allow God to hold me up; have Gods arms around me; around my waist and my shoulders and to hold my hands as I feebly learn how to walk down this God pathway section; assuming all of these things; Assuming Im so desperate Im willing gladly to work with God; assuming these things;
Work ethic; pre-work ethic exercises for development hopefully can and will take place under Gods care.
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So; Here’s the deal; there is a level of work ethic that Is labor and I don’t really get paid much; I only get a labor of love; I do earn skills. However; Being compulsive will not work as a management tool to grasp long tern skills… Long term fused skills require continuous practice; repetition day after day; month after month; until I acquire the skill. I cant say this any better; pick a skill goal; and its the same. Nothing is easy; nothing is free; nothing is quick… I get what I earn… and I don’t get paid until after the work… And for some reason; Im really bent out of shape about this…
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I remember playing an instrument; and I wanted to learn a Latin feel… I started out with a sophisticated pattern; It took months n months of long hours practiced work until that skill began to show up in a more naturally learned and playable state. I remember when I started; I had to wait months for something tangible to show up through long hours of practice; That may have been the first and last time I learned an actual skill; where it was under management by Me.. After that I gave up all things and wondered away from life; never to return… I ended up in the recovery process; Im working ( Not Alone) but with a higher power partnership; to develop my life again; and I have to start at the very very Beginning; “I mean that”. I remember: Before; as a kid; I wanted to learn developments; However; I was cut short; I went into a dissociated state within myself; at that point; I was inside myself; not outside. So; I had my imagination and nothing more… nothing going on outside; not connected to the outside world; And here I am now. As I look back; Im horrified and shocked. I cant find one time period where I was developed for the future; Nothing. It was more like I was a 5 year old until I was 10 years old… no development… I waited and waited for my parents to help me; but they never did… and then I was thrown away….
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The point; Jesus is now helping me… And it will be a development for the first time. And this beginning development will assume the subject of “ Work Ethic”.
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I have to go as fare back as possible in my beginning life; before trauma stopped the development of a possible work ethic; I have to go all the way back to the beginning of my life; the first days and start a-new; A new direction under God who is helping me: A new direction centered on Work Ethic…
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I will work with God on the concept of Responsibility and the concept of slowly earning maturity; with the goal of having a manageable life.
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I will continue to visit the recovery rooms of the 12 step groups; altho; Im vastly tired of them and want to mature out of them; end up back in the real world..
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One of the problems with work ethic right now is my lack of hope and fear; What if I do learn a work ethic and get marginally good at something; So what. I mean; its like; its all with diminishing returns.. I have a horribly horrible inner voice when it comes to work ethic; and that means co dependency and learned inner dependency and a dependent personality… negative horrible inner mind telling me nothing is worth it; Ill fail anyway regardless; I'm defeated before I start…
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This tells me; All of this negative thinking; it tells me I have no recovery in the Work Ethic area; Also; I don’t own it; someone from the past owns it and me… They call the shots telling me what to do. The abusers… So; that is where I need independence.
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And so; this goes back to grade school; junior high; High school; beginning 20’s; even into 30’s… So….
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This is a big big score of humiliations; anger and righteous resentments… So; there is the harsh hardcore work…. Hopefully God will address it…
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12 Step meetings are getting hard… I don’t like some of the people who don’t like me… Im getting treated marginally. My main goal right now is Work Ethic.
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I want to be teachable. At this point; Lets say I wanted to go take a class; I might be able to show up at this point but I cant do any of the work assigned from the class; and if I did; I would get a bad grade… All defenses. Im looking to ask God to make me teachable and open me up; open me up to a new way of life where my ability to be part of society opens…
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Mainly; the last issue I have to work out is Work Ethic… However; Id have to go back deep into my childhood; where I had all of my dreams and go far enough; deep enough into my mind before I was shattered and dig out a new direction. And do this with Gods help; regain that beginning moment of interest in life; This time under Gods care; a new direction of self development heading in the right direction to be productive.
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1. I can go so deep into working at something; suddenly hit with dissociation; work is deflected and I cant do anything anymore; my mind is taken somewhere else without choice. However; I believe with Gods help and the right attitude; I can substitute this situation with enhancers ( Spiritual help from God). If I can learn to focus on what I want and learn with Gods help to stick to something; maybe break it down into smaller parts and just learn how to keep at it daily; possibly I can break through some areas; that's kind of the goal here… We will see. I believe with time; under Gods care; I can get better in this area of work ethic.
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As I said before; at the deeper levels of my work ethic is rejection of self and sorrow…
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Deepest problem I've seen so far in my personal interest; “ Worthiness”; not feeling worthy for relationships; I don’t deserve anything. Work and work ethic; I don’t deserve it.
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Relationships;
have all but been cleared up; the problems. I'm almost back to the strait n narrow and know what I want and I feel plenty deserving of it. I no longer listen to the abusers of the past or those who twisted my personality around their fingertips and weaponized my friendship toward them against me.
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It matters not as much at this point; God has allowed me to regain my freedom value concerning relationships; I know who I am; Nothing has been taken away from me… I start out again; this time; under Gods care… What was buried; my identity has now surfaced under God.
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And this is great concerning relationships; Some relief and some success at recovery…
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However.
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Im still stuck concerning Work Ethic…
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I know what a good work ethic is if Im teachable; I know some characteristics of what it would look like. I would finishing creative work… I would follow through and not be afraid to accomplish something. I would be dedicated at learning my craft. I would admit I don’t know my craft and would have to really learn it for the first Time…
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This idea of admitting I don’t know my craft and learning it for the first time; This is where my work ethic suffers and has the greatest problems; at-least for now; and that's how it appears… Those are some apparent problems from the top down…
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So; its that ego stuff. Pride; Humiliation… its a kind of; “ Whats the point of trying to do anything; what good will it do; I wont get anywhere; I certainly wont be able to compete against anyone; why bother. I'm defeated before I start…
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So; Un-touched work ethic problems with no recovery base surrounding them…. Ill get their. Ill keep working at it..
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