June 2025
May 2025
Blog;
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The Loneliness of advancement… No where to hide…
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So; Im getting into my video Games; and that truly is great. Because for a dissociative like me; its moving forward into the unknown; and that is always scary… Even in a video game…
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So; moving forward into the unknown of anything is horrified; petrified terrified… lonely scared; broken… .
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So; lately many things have come to pass of my interests… meaning Ive followed through on many things… smaller things to the world; but not to me; they are gigantic; they are signs Im coming back to mental health equilibrium ; at least for this round…
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Im not talking about getting over the bigger pictures of mental health; Im getting better; and Im glad for it; but I still have the major problems…
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However; Im starting to get over; move through monk mode… Ive been in it for a long while now… Its been probably over a year since entertaining a hobby of interest; Ive forgotten it because I was deep in thought and inner desire… I had to mature and deal with the past; suddenly years had gone by. And suddenly it happened; It hit a spot of upheaval. I twisted out; or flipped up front down… I collided with the hemispheres… and slowly floated back down to earth. When I started to awaken; I was here now; more present; and I started to clean my room again; started to hang out with others a bit.. Worked through several personalities from the past that had a hold of me. God let me let go of them and slip away; almost like having grease on my inner hands; all I could do was let go…. And feel them slide off; slide away….
I hit the ground and God was waiting for me; for God is lowly; and God is not in the sky all the time; God was on the ground where I would meet him; for the meek shall inherent the earth.
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And I got up and roamed but had no ideas for those I had let go of… For; they were a lie. But I did get the message from God to be careful out here; for the serpent is a liar that appears wise. Very dangerous… Better for me to be in safe spaces far away from trouble… and simply work with God….
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I got up and started cleaning my room. My living room… and then my kitchen; it was a right of passage… I had waited many moons to come back from Monk Hood; So I could be present again. When in Monk mode Im dealing with the past; Im not present and everything in the present looks like a Mad Max movie of apocalyptic proportions. I cant really do anything in reality; that is just to exposing; to far for me.
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So God…. What do I do God…
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So; with much work and working through more of the past; I woke up… And I started to clean up; and this is a ritual I do when I start coming out of monk mode. Its like a world that turns and burns to chaos… and then I start coming out of it.
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And I started…
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And when I start coming out of it; I start cleaning up; I start participating again in life… little bits. I get a little stronger; a little more advanced…
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And thats what happened here….
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And this time; I started again within some hobbies of interest…
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Many things I started to participate within… Lots of very beginning things…
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And so Im showing signs of pursuing the ability to take interest in things that with enough effort; I could move forward in if I took the chances.
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Taking chances for someone like myself who is bashful and timid; very Gun Shy against the world; this is an unusual site…
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So; for me to be where Im at now; is because of allot of work and effort. How long will it last; I don’t know.
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Ive gotten many insights and answers from the universe…
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I have learned one thing; Everything I Pride; Not the Good kind… The Bad Kind; and it keeps me from bowing before my Higher Power and simply connecting with my higher power and getting the answers I need.
When Im at my higher powers lowly level; I can reach out my hands and arms and connect with my higher power and I can connect my heart to Gods heart and from Gods heart is sent God energy through pathways into my heart and within my body…. Connection from Gods heart to my heart; pure God energy… I can visualize it…
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Anyway; Im learning about the importance that the work is getting on my knees in front of God and bowing down below God; reaching out my arms and hands to God and pleading and praying and begging to God for what I want… pleading with God…
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Im asking God for God to teach me how to be connected to God… amen. Over n over n over n over n over….
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As I get stronger; Pride is the number one killer… It bi passes God; it puts me into a state of forgetting God. But secretly I want to connect with God and have a normal relationship with God…
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For; I have to learn that all things come forth from God ( It comes from nowhere else)!… I have to pray to God and work on what I want; and have God send it forth and I stay out of the mix….
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Thats what Im working on.
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However; many other areas are slowly coming forth….
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So; Im really thrilled to say many things; Im starting to participate in. And for me; manifestation is the ability for me to participate in things… That is self actualization for me…
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Certainly I pray and write new stories about having a normal life with all the important things everyone wants…
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SO; I work on that…
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Most importantly is my relationship with God ever getting more developed; thats what I want…
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THE LONELINESS>
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The loneliness of slowly coming out of my shell out into the open with no original family system around when I was a kid; or the neighborhoods or friends or school or future from that period; Nothing. Just emptiness…
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It can be brutally hard; and I have to learn how to deal with it; Start by talking to God…. And keep it up…
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I have a history of horrible morbid reflections from the past. Ive got to work with God on things… I must in order to stay afloat…
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Ill keep writing my goals and working on my hobbies if I can stand the reality of participation. This is the most gruesome for me. So many triggers….
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Ill keep doing the work and sending my requests to God; Amen
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