July 2025
June 2025
I could not complete because of my avoidant behavior and altho she took an interest in me; she moved on. She moved on because I never told her the truth up front; but I couldn't teller up front; it was last year and I was in freeze mode and a thousand times sicker then now. So; its a loss; but I want to blame her but I cant; why should I blame her; she doesn't know me. And no one really knows about my avoidant behavior. They know about trauma problems; The fact is; she gave me a chance as if I was a normal guy; but I wasn't normal and could not respond to her. And suddenly without warning; she continued to try to talk to me but I was to shy; AVPD. And I still wouldn't talk to her; to shy; And suddenly she stopped and I continued to ignore her with the heart felt hope that she would see the hurt in me; in my heart and come and rescue me. Instead; a few weeks later; another guy should up she was interested in; and she took that and went with him.
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I feel so horrible; who's fault is that. Hers/mine. Suddenly later she may be single or may not be; I still wanted to get the courage up to talk to her; but the reality was; she was taken and had been for a long time...She was cute and kind of a player; she had men interested in her; I thought I was one of them; I guess I was wrong... I meant nothing to her.
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I got the message; God sent me to be around her help her be with her. It wasn't just me; It was also God; And their was tension; but when she went with another man and the way she went with this other man and I was forced to watch her with this other man; to watch him court her; its a long story; just trust me; It was apparent I meant nothing to her... And I was horrified by what she did; her lack of remorse for me; What does this mean; God is trying to let me down slowly; she wants neither God or me; I got kicked out; Shes not interested; its time for me to go away and never come back; at least come back around her ever again.
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Sure; when I see her at times; she gives me the eye; The sad; I feel sorry for you look; Im still interested in you but Im with someone else look or something like that. But not really; I can feel it; theirs just not the respect she had before that. Before that she looked at me as a top Guy. Now; its kind of like; Shes no longer interested in feeling sorry for me; Shes no longer interested in feeling anything for me. I feel like such a fool.
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I thought I could play her; play that deck of cards; I was in control. I was the house master; Not! Thats got proven out.
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I was nothing more then simple guy with a disability problem that showed up around her and thought I was cool and I got out flanked and out matched and put in my place. Now; when I see her; ive lost face.
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The problem is; I was never in her league to start with... But I wanted to think so. But I wasn't. she proved that and I can never go back; to easy for her to look for someone better then me who is more capable; in fact; she jumped at that chance to be with someone more capable...
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I dream allot but never take action when it comes to women. I think what I want to do is tell them who I really am and what Im really scared of and practice first... up close with them in conversations... Tell them how I run away. Tell them how Im scared of them. Tell them how innocent I am and was brought up. Tell them the truth about my innocence. Im always trying to be someone Im not. Im scared of them and afraid Ill be triggered; my AVPD or dissociative disorder or PTSD: Im afraid ill be triggered socially and shut down; and shut down on them. Im scared; its so easy for one of them to cause a mental break down for me.. But I never tell them anything; I dont get up close and talk to them ever and thats where the work is... Im so scared that they think im someone else then what I am to start with.
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As for this women that liked me once; the one Im talking about in this blog; It just seems way late concerning her; whats the point; beating a dead horse... its already gone; shes already gone when she picked another guy last years; 6 months ago. I still see her; she still looks at me; I could hit on her and go talk to her; but its like; shes already made her opinion of me and its to late. shes already shown shes really not interested in me the way I am; to much maintenance. I mean; if I had told her maybe it would be different; but she picked a much younger guy with much more money and future; I mean; Hypergamy. Or; is it just me... I mean; if I asked her out; she would be loyal; I doubt it! Not a chance in the world..
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But I notice I dont take chances; I think allot and I plot... and I decide... but dont take chances where I could get hurt more... Its like; I want her to read between the lines and see that. " hey" " I don't want to get hurt" " I dont take chances" " can you like figure this out"; " hello" " is anyone home" " I dont really believe you like me anyway because Im out of your league in the first place even if you think Im cute and would go out with me; I dont believe it". And my immaturity that has never been explored or developed is where Im at and it needs to move forward and into more confidence; is that her problem; was she not sent from God to help me. I thought so; but I blew it. Ill have to talk to God; but I blew it when she offered help; and I didnt take it I thought I was 2 good; and suddenly she left with another guy; I was slammed that fast; so; ill have to talk to God about this; I got put in my place.
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id like to go back to her for help; but its 2 late. I mean; people show up to help me and I dont appriciate it; Ill have to work with God on all of this. Im dissociating right now; its as if I cant handle the idea ive walked into situations with people that actually want to get to know me and help me; I dont trust it and I dont want anyone to know Im scared and want to run way and not face anyone.
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Im scared to let people know I cant face anyone. AVPD dissociative disorder. So; Ill have to learn and work on learning how to face people. And a who world resides in that..
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I am upset that I cant face people and Im uncomfortable about the people who want me to face them. Im scared of them; scared of this and being Dissociative; I want the right people around me or Ill get hurt... really damaged. and I dont want that anymore... I pull away from people because they are not safe for my disability; I run from them and never go around them again... I write them off because they are traumatizing.
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Im starting to get hit with a reality; Im trying to be everyones friend when they can run me over with out warning. I thought I could be everyones friend; impossible. I just think Im bad ass; when someone actually shows up I run away. Im spending my time running around with the wrong crowd of people suggesting I can run around with anyone anytime; but its not true; I get put in my place and then Im stuck; the child in me cant budge.
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So; if I was just my innocent self; who am I and who could I actually associate with; who would it be; what would they be like; where would they come from...
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