July 2025
June 2025
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My DJ software Interests within my private world; I suddenly have found something I love to do… and it fits everything I was doing before in music. My Dj interests have to do with playing with software in my room; nothing more for now; but its a start and its great! it feels so cool and wonderfulous..
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Its an introversion situation.
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It reminds me of what college students who go after engineering degrees do… and on the side they love DJ stuff and groove boxes and such and making beats and tracks; its kind of like that. Im describing a kind of persons identity; a successful young person before they enter the work world… and after.. One possibility. Maybe the person is an Artist or Teacher or Geologist or what ever.. And they are introverts and love DJ stuff and Groove boxes and sampling beats and tracks and MPC’s and such; Im describing a personalty type; an I identity; My identity that never become…
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Concerning relationships and women; an example if I were young again…
God has shown me where women come into the mix. Lets say Im DJ-ing at a party when very young; Im smart intelligent; Im a student… While Dj-ing; girls show up around me; women my own age… At the DJ table; they are drawn to what Im doing; and they stand up against the railing and watch… and thats where I meet my wife….. Shes a student; smart in college… I can see it! I get it… Im getting the answers Im looking for concerning relationships… Im getting the who what where when why Thing associated with relationships while doing activities… Im suddenly understanding who Im suppose to be with; the kind of person. Im getting it; when Im myself and doing what I love and its presented out into the world; I attract people like myself. Im in one corner of the room; and I attract those that are drawn and attracted to that awareness of that one corner of the room. The other 75% of the people in the room; non of my business. Maybe I attract only 5% of the people in the room because Im an introvert and they are introverts... The point is; if Im being myself and having fun in my own world and expressing myself? That's when I attract who Im suppose to attract. I can see it; in introverted intellectual girls who are sensitive and bright and aware... I get it; Im feeling it; Im seeing it... Yes! And in this example; Im talking about what I would have wanted to be like in my young life; 0-25 years old. Now; I would like to become this person. Ive had to hold it all in for all of my life; it was never safe and I had NO OPPORTUNITY for such things..
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Now comes the next question;
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In my imagination; I get to go back to college age and ask some questions;
Q. What am I doing in college; If I was college age again; what would I be doing;
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So; What does mean; " What would I be doing in college"; Not knowing who I am occupationally.
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Not knowing my occupation;
At this point; This has caused more problems with women and dating and relationships; not knowing my occupation.
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I spent my younger life trying to find relief; I feebly attempted a few times and once in a major way;
to seek women and start relationships that maybe a girl that wanted my friendship; working together; she would become my wife. I Co-dependently wanting them to help me grow up; and develop; It was out of sincere desperation. However; after the first several failures; I immediately stopped associating with women; No one liked me; no one wanted to be friends with me!
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Women;
I did not find them ever safe; They seemed; Mostly self seeking and deceptive and much much worse; I stopped all ties with women; They did not want me; want anything to do with me. In fact; I felt completely like an alien around them; No one wanted me; No one wanted my friendship. I wanted someone nice; someone friendly; a helper; a friend. Someone that wanted to work with me... A friend that wanted to be with me.
If God were to help me with this; I would have had to pray to God and be under Gods care and control and within Gods realm and Pathway… I would go down Gods direction. However; I never did. I went down my own dark directions seeking friendships… I had no idea it would be this dangerous.
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I stopped all ties with most of society in general and stayed to myself; I wrote off the idea anyone cared about me or wanted to help me; I felt that the state of the people in society was deplorable… I quickly wrote of the idea of having women anywhere near anything of any value; For they would destroy everything very quickly… They have no problem destroying other people to get anything they want…
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I wrote off getting close to anyone in the middle classes ever again… I certainly wrote off any of the rich. I had been used by them long enough; and I never knew it for years.
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Any women that did get physically close to me; They destroyed everything of any value with immediacy; to a point I never allowed myself to open up to anyone anymore. In many cases with women; I stayed silent until I Just ghosted them; It was a ridiculous waist of my time; all of it! Horrible. I just wanted a friend; Just a decent real friend. However; I didn’t get it. I was settling for the worst society had to offer and I was finding the worst society had to offer. I didn’t know I had to take responsibility for a responsible search of the people I wanted to associate with.
One can say; I was around the wrong people and strangely enough; attracting the wrong people. I believe this has to do with frequency. I was attracting low level frequency people. It was hideous and disgusting and yet; I never got it; I never woke up or had a clue… Nothing; I just never got it; Never understood that I cannot be mindless and stupid about who I bring into my personal space. I thought; “ Great; ive found someone new like me; that will care about me and really have my interests at heart”. It never happened. I found a whole lot a low lifes…
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NOTE: I WAS ATTRACTING THE WRONG PEOPLE:
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NOTE: RESPONSIBILITY: RESPOND-ABILITY... I realize now; its very important to search out and work with higher power to find the right breed of people to associate with or have relationships with. My problem with women was; I took no responsibility for whom was showing up in my life. And once they showed up; I did not put them through a screening process. I took everyone in who I thought pretty or good looking. It was a miserable mistake of complete confusion. I thought women would all be like the TV shows I watched... The women I associated with were unbelievably bad people... Im not sure how else to describe it. But here is the good news; They were only associating with me because in my dysfunctional state; I allowed all to come in... The idea of relational responsibility did not exist yet for me. And I will be murdered over n over for it. And in one finally situation; I will die; and years later; God will have to bringing me back to life in what ever leftover condition Im in.
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IN ALL CASES; I chose or went to the other person; No one ever claimed to be someone they were not.
In fact; in most cases; I claimed to be someone Im not; I lied.
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Today; I understand that I never met really quality decent people. So; First; the problem with occupation; When that is fixed; Im in a much better position to work with God and in a positive nature; seek out more decent people of a higher frequency and nature… I wont be so co dependent that I desperately need them to fix me and help me; so I can have some relief.
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The POINT IS:
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I have the ability now to question what happened in my life that brought it to an early close; say; at 3 ½ years old. From that vantage point at 3 ½ years old; I went into survival mode and probably could do very little in school or apply myself to anything ever; and I didn’t or I couldn’t; Instead; unfortunately I sought after feelings and love because I had none. And everything realistic for my future took a backseat..
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I never developed; I waited; it never happened; no one ever showed up; So; I tried to show up for myself; and that got me around the worst people who took advantage of me. I was taken advantage of when others saw I had no mother or father…
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I want that part of myself; that goes to college Self; I want to know what I want to become; Whether It be an Engineer; or physicist or mathematician or astronaut or Teacher! Or…. And the list goes on. The idea of being up to speed and fully present for my life and responsible and feeling good about myself and my occupational future; Thats all I ever wanted… Because this was missing; All relational concepts died or were never developed.
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The universe knows this; knows who I am; and knows how to get me their… So; Im now on this journey. For the first time; Im now feeling Oke about asking the universe concerning my origins; My original ideas of whom I was suppose to become.
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The System;
The problem Ive had with the schooling systems and with success; I never believed anymore in anything; no one loved me or cared what happened to me; Why would I get involved in their worthless systems.. what for. I never tried and because I was always in survival mode and alone; I was always in a defensive state against the System; the State… I could never comprehend anything other then survival.. No way I could be present for something like the school system. I was half hear; I was dying… I was only half hear anymore; and fading; no one cared… I had already faded long ago before this and fading more n more away…
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Here I am today as Im in the recovery process; Not an easy Thing! Not everyone is on my side; However; I can still be manipulated and stalked; so one has to be careful. No therapist in those places.
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BACK TO THE STORY!
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I know what I'm looking for; I'm looking for that enthusiasm a younger person has when first starting into their expedition of their degree… I'm speaking of those who are from say; a stable family background and have been working toward the idea of a direction and a degree since early childhood; That kind of thing; Where they are stable and very much know what they want to be when they grow up; And they've been working toward the admissions required for such things for most of their early life. They are enthusiastic and happily moving forward toward their goal… So; when they enter college; They know what they want to do with their lives and are enthusiastic about it…
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I mentioned the idea of being enthusiastic about it and knowing what they want when they first start out; that feeling of surety safety and confidence… They've been in safe places developing and finally they mature to a place of being able to handle the next step with some independence. They've grown into some independence.. And they are moving forward to the next step… They are at a new starting place; A place theyve been looking forward to; a place they've been working toward; something they've earned but have had the safe space love and attention and surety to develop with love and security.
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I know God can being such conditions back to me and get me back in alignment again. Im dissociated from any alignment of such things; However; Im much better mentally then I used to be; or I have much more spiritual hope then I used to be…
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I know God can do this for me and as Ive worked through other problems from the past; Im now on this this very large open problem and will be looking at answers from the universe and working on answers from the universe; Looking for a blue print to fall out of the sky so I can get started… God will let it fall right into the center of my mind if I pray enough on my knees and lots n lots of meditation on a daily basis and I wait for an answer…
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Not a Victim here… So; Ill be meditating and writing and imaginating and visualizations and drawing and just kind of allowing free writing to come up with what is buried deep in my soul concerning directional occupations in my life.
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So; Im getting started in this concept of occupation; what ever that abstract intellectual construct means right now.
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