July 2025
June 2025
At this point;
Happiness is my priority by getting beneath my higher power in front of my higher power; because I am not God; God is God and I worship God and I do what God tells me. I get in instructions from God on how to be happy.
The problem is; I didn’t follow through with those instructions. Instead; I stopped halfway through; and never followed through. Thats the real cause of my problems; Those Im experiencing right now in recovery.
So; Im learning to get in front of God; humble myself; Just like a 5 year old on his knees praying to God; and praying to Santa Claus for a new Train set at Christmas… If a 5 year old can believe with that kind of faith; SO can I!
So; Im back turning into the 5 year old again praying to Sunny Jesus for my Trainset; of what ever that means to me. Im back again…. Amen… Im learning…
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Ill pray for everything…
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My happiness is up to me; if I would just get on my knees and follow through with God; meaning; I surrender to God and allow God in on all things first… and always; and then let God bring to me what I need and I stay out of it; Its the horse first then the cart. And Im ever learning this always on n on!
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Next step is to thoroughly work with God to over come specifics of the past; leading me to unconnect from it.
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Im still living in denial and unreality concerning certain events of the past; I had expectations because I thought I was a big shot; I was not and never had a chance with some people; specific people. I did not check first to see if I had a chance with them; I assumed and this got me destroyed and devastated. In the end; I clearly was delusional; I was hanging around the wrong people, Whos fault was that.
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NOTE: I had no family; no one wanted me; I was stripped completely of my physical past by that point was still a child… SO I was beyond desperation… What Do I do… I had no idea; what to do or where to go. Well; the places I ended up where not safe and I didn’t know that. And I was living in a place that was not safe; no one cared about me or wanted me; and no one cared about my future; nothing… I just did not understand or know what was happening; SO I reached out desperately to anyone anywhere. And I will pay for this horribly.
WHOS FAULT WAS IT I WAS HANGING AROUND THE WRONG PEOPLE: WHY COULDNT I JUST HANG OUT WITH THE RIGHT PEOPLE.
Would got not bless me and allow a good life with them; the right people?
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Letting go of the wrong people is about EGO! And that specific ego is what Im working on…
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PTSD;
CPTSD;
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Im feeling it right now as I get a little better; feel a little safer in new surroundings in the present.
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A major part of me is that little boy who used to play in the school yard; throw the ball and ride his bike.
But that world was cut short; all things were cut short… or cut off. I was no longer… I was no longer part of anything… Nothing…
I had nowhere; I had nothing…
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I was thrown away and had no physical place to live with an address or neighborhood. The only person protecting me when young was This fake care giver… He did not care or give caring; that was my Father; but I really didn’t know who he was until it was 2 late. It was just another monster; thats all it was; nothing more. SO; there was never anyone looking out for me; ever…
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So; I was completely cut off from a life. And here I am now!
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SO; I relive the feelings of that time but have no house to go back to… Nothing. So; I must work with God on this continually and keep going… And Its working; my recovery.
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I am slowly going from what I remember or the PTSD; from that to now; living in the now; in some forms of peace…
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I have to keep working with God on things; on all of this….
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So; Im going through that PTSD right now!
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So; Im in a strange change over… From the Past to the present…
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Ive made some in roads but Ive also been in the recovery process… So; that is exceptionally good…
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So; Im dealing with the Bad( However; I give this to God and work with God and sponsor on this); and the good; and there is much much good of survival here; plenty of it.
In fact; there is a whole future here of new movement… This movement is in counter to dissociative disorder and PTSD and AVPD, Agoraphobia and Anxiety Depression and so on…
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I have super hope relative to the past in my deeper mental sickness from being completely thrown away permanently.
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God has almost literally cleaned out many fake people from the past. Meaning; the truth has been given to me by God; and I trust God and not the world; I believe God; and Ill stand with God not the world. And God has revealed those monsters and liars con men or con artists…
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I never knew I was being conned when I was a child; I didn’t know… even into young teenage years when I met someone; they were playing me. I never knew. I never thought about playing people I guess; It wasnt something I needed to do.
Its possible I ended up around the wrong people and that was their way of defending themselves to get rid of me… They didn’t want me and I was hanging around. It never occurred to me. I was never wanted. I was hanging around because I wasnt wanted at the place I lived…
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THE PROBLEM;
All of this recovery has taken along time… So; Time is a problem at times for those in recovery; it takes a long time to recover… So; Time is a problem… Anyway; God knows this….
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I continue to work with God and watch new things slowly show up; new things in a new life developing.
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The problem is; it triggers my early life in my original house; Something I certainly want to go back to; my memories and my home… but that home and those people do not exist anymore… nor does the neighborhood I came from; meaning; Im not part of it.
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In my early years; thats all I had; it was my everything…
And yet it was never mine; I never had a stable home life and didn’t even know it when very young; nothing…
No one cared about me; Nothing…
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Now; Im slowly learning how to get on my feet again… And things and people are showing up….
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New experiences are showing up; new stability that counters the mental disabilities are showing up.
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Let me say tho. Im still mentally ill; and disabled. When I talk about new things ( new stabilities ) showing up; these are private small things that would matter not to most people; most people would not appreciate these small things… Many people have these small treasures; they experience them all day long.
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Heres an example; For many it would be easy to get an apple a day. That would mean nothing. But would if one could not; and for years had no apples.
How would it feel if suddenly with much work; they found an apple showing up everyday. It would be a miracle. Would anyone else think so… probably most would not…
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For me; Ive had the equivalent of many of these small treasures come back into my life; they let me know that its possible to live; for Im talking about things that represent life; showing up.
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Another real example of changes; Im able to go to the mail box and answer my mail within a few weeks or a week. In the past; it was more like every 6 months or 3 months; I would freak out all the time.
Now; I answer the mail within a week or 2; hopefully a week; And no real mail of concern; maybe even good news… Incredible.
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So; how important is answering the mail box to people; probably many relate; but is it a life changing success to many; Its a super success to me; it creates relief…. How does the rest of the world see it; probably doesn’t mean to much to them… its a kind of secret thing of triumph and success.
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I have many of these small small treasures now…
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Are these treasure of any meaning to anyone else; I imagine not; maybe its a bit more food. Maybe its to create an authentic new friend in the present.
Maybe its a letter or phone call or text of good news.
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Maybe God found away to help me get a little better at a work ethic to be present and Im learning to play that guitar for the first time in my life… and Im sticking to it. The fact Im sticking to it and not quitting is the major small gem miracle. Signs of a life coming back.
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I still have my small childhood dreams… and so Im working with God on those. Please help me God; amen…
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So; Ive worked with God and built. And built and built and built a life back.
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And that life is showing up. And I must trust God….
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So; I have my goals and I keep trusting and working with God…
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Where am I at now?
Im slowly building my life back in the present.
God is working with me on the past; the door is open but its not stopping me in the present. The grief can be overwhelming kind of. But I have a building life in the present regardless and the past will not can not take that foundation away at this point; its already built.
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The stronger I get in the present the more God allows me to see the past and the loss of it and I grieve. For non of it was real. And I was being fooled the whole time and never knew…
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What do I mean by; the past was not real and I was being fooled.
Here is an example;
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This is a fictitious example; but has some similarity to my past in many many relatable was.
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Imagine someone with brothers and sister; imagine you believe you are loved and cared about by your brothers and sisters; only to find out later; They actually didn’t care… to find out I meant nothing to them… had no value to them; nothing… I had no value to them; nothing….
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And worse; Imagine one finds out one is adopted… they weren’t even my real family. And worse; I find out finally they completely lied. I was never part of any family in the first place; they were just fooling me. I was actually from the orphanage and fooled into believing I was part of a family for the fun of it; just to be used and fooled by someone; and then suddenly those same people will just throw me away one day and never come back….
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To find out my whole past was not what it appeared to be; all the stability; it was all faked; all of it; by others who were just faking me out for the fun of it; all of it; that is what happened… but no one is leading on that their faking me out ever; they are staying silent about it completely.
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they are faking me out completely the whole time; all of it completely. They are faking me out the whole time…
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They are faking me out the whole time… completely. They are faking me out the whole time completely. They are faking me out the whole time completely. All of it; all of it faked…
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I had no idea from the day Im born what is going on.
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Now when I look back; I look back in sadness and horror… and I look back where I trusted and had no idea what was going on with these sociopaths that were faking me out; not knowing they were sociopaths; I didn’t know; and I was around a whole world of them.
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In reality they will end up strangers that don’t care about me or what happens to me or care or value that they ever knew me. Nothing…
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I was not even their; present to those people; nothing! And I didn’t even know it… I meant nothing to them. They saw me as nothing.
I was just someone hanging around on the side lines to people like this.
I was under a complete false reality….
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So; God is helping me with this; thats what counts now!
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Im building into a new life slowly earned under God and Gods sovereign state.
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Im in Gods care…..
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Im under Gods care and I turn to God for help….
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SO: THIS NEXT PART OF THE JOURNEY IS TUFF: LOTS OF TURBULENCE; meaning people trying to stop me at meetings and other places; Im moving on people getting left behind. Not my business… they are 12 step groups for getting better… its personal and singular… not anyone elses business.
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Its tuff; As I get stronger and move forward; people trying to cut me off at meetings when speaking and sharing; no one is doing anything about because of the nature of the meetings; chemical based. I don’t have any others at this point…
lots of these meetings on a daily basis.
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So; lots of recovery to be had.
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SO; lots of prayer right now; as I move forward…
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Today I put out allot more for work issues of interest then usual. Im showing God Im serious; The key is to keep at it… just keep at it. Keep working at things; putting out my energy at working at things… I have lots of things to learn… Like different arts and such and styles of things.
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