June 2025
May 2025
Changes…
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First Love; Something I will continue to work on with God . I made a classic horrible mistake. I found someone or was introduced to someone who was not interested in me; Not intended for me. I figured out a way to associate with her; calling her or showing up at her house. She was responsive… she was polite. I took this as “ Great; Ill move forward”; When; I was mistaken. I never asked this person if she liked me. And I never asked this person if she would be better off if I left. I never questioned the most basic issue; did she like me or was she attracted to me or was she interested in me.
The point is; Its up to me to formally create an introduction correctly with a person and to find the “ RIGHT” person. Its my responsibility; if I mess this up; and I don’t do the work first; if I don’t find out who Im dealing with first; I pay big; consequences. ( This means God was not with me; because I did not talk to God first) ( I was not in Gods backyard) ( I was off Gods trail in some other forest I knew nothing about… ).
In the case of FIRST LOVE; Its not just doomed from the beginning; their was really No beginning. no need to even start something with the wrong person. I spent months around a person that was not interested in me or attracted to me. I kept just pushing it. In the end it did not work. This girl was confused what I was doing around her. She was from a much higher league.. She did not understand what I was doing around her. She was not a “ Nice” girl… I kept demanding she be a “ Nice” girl. Meaning; I kept talking and pushing as if she was a nice girl who liked me. Did it work? No! Nothing worked; Nothing changed; she still had no feeling or interest in me. She wanted me leave; but she was to polite about it. I just didn’t get it; didn’t get the message; I wasnt wanted..
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Do I want to find out this person doesn’t want anything to do with me; do I want to find out the first week; or 8 months later. And when this person leaves or this stops; this fake wierdo association with this person; its not going to be pretty; This person is not going to care what happens to me; She will turn on me completely and she will deny knowing me; or ever associating with me. And she may even have violence brought against me. Its a bad deal all the way around.
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NOTE; This process will continue to my last days; of ever so slowly dealing with this situation and loss; and as I slowly dealing with it; it gets less powerful and smaller each step of the way… And soon she leaves and Im able to meet others in the present; but then she becomes an icon on the past; and truly; if anyone can relate with this; its truly almost to much; especially when ones heart was involved. Im very smart and very lucky. Im always lucky when I take this and other issues to God and work on them under God and in the recovery process. Im smart for starting on a recovery process years ago that made me work the 12 steps of recovery with a sponsor on paper; One area of the steps; step 4 deals with resentments of the past; and thats what this is; and Ive worked what feels like thousands of pages of work on this one subject; and ill continue… and as I do I get stronger; strong enough to head into another present in front of me… The key is to get beyond this regardless of what it really was or imagined.
Ive worked with God on this subject for a long time. As for now; God has allowed me to understand what happened here only for the purpose on how it could help me in the future… I may never really know what happened. I do now; God is helping me take the power out of it that controls me; controls my life. Its a subject of much sorrow and grief… For me; it was like the Titanic. The key is to keep working with God and dealing with it; breaking it down piece by piece until there is nothing left but history… I do not want this affecting my present or future; and that will take much work to get rid of something this deep I identified with. As far as I know; I made a mistake. This was not the right person; This was a stranger who felt nothing for me nor had any interest in me. The work Im conducting is set out to prove this; that this person had no interest in me; I meant nothing to her; and I should have never meant anything to her and I should have never believed anything else. And when I can get to this point Ill be much freer. However; being free in the present can be a hard thing. Im used to having a past rule my life; so; it hasnt been easy working through the past when I know the past wont be hiding me anymore… However; Im working on being able to create a new present and future for myself amen.
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If; unfortunately I make the mistake of actually thinking in my imagination; a real relationship potential had been blessed by the universe; I will truly be in real trouble here. And thats what happened here…
What did I really expect or need from this girl; I needed someone who was interested in me and wanted to help me sent from God… to help me develop so I could go down a God pathway… A helper sent by God to help me; support me while I build a new narrative for my life and maybe theirs. What I failed to understand. I cannot just go into a dark forest into new neighborhoods Ive never been in and expect strangers Ive never met to become people of importance in my life. I made a strange mistake; for some reason I associated Gods purpose with this persons; But no proof ever was seen of such a situation. And that leaves me in this kind of purposeless haze… a place of extreme loneliness and low value. Its like wanting to make a mark for myself in life; and I was shot down; maybe on purpose from the start and I never Got over it. So; now! Im learning how to get over it; One direction is to turn to God.
One huge mistake in all of this; I gave all my worth and power to a stranger I knew nothing about; someone who did not value me nor expect to ever see me again; Thus; they could set me up completely to take a fall and completely ruin me and walk away… And they did with no regret or remorse. They felt nothing for me… So; its important I work with God to open up this thing and get the poison out and go in Gods direction and learn to get back on my feet in these directions and meet new people. And work with God to heal and look forward again.
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People who are not interested in me will not help me down the pathway of a false narrative; especially when Ive tied them into it, Meaning; I never ask if the person likes me or is interested in me; I just show up and act like we will be together. When this ends in a few weeks or months; This will not end well for me; for I will be dumped or separated permanently from this person by this person at some point or asked to leave.. For I had no business around them to start with…
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NOTE; Working with God. Ill be working on this until the last days of my life… This will keep my sanity and strength to continue forward; by working on this…
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Ill pay the price for crossing the lines/ rules of society or of human interaction. At the end of this I end with nothing.. No one. Im thrown out! Or thrown away; Im looked like a fool sleathing in his folly; no one will care; I will not be respected for my hurt… Not something like this.
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NOTE; And as I accept the truth; I work with God to accept; get up; wipe the dirt from my clothing where I fell. Get up and move back down the street and start over under God somewhere else. This time under God. And as I feel better about myself; I will. And that is the point of all this work; to feel better about myself.
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Its very important to start out with; do the research to find a nice person that is actually interested in me. I didn’t do this…
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Its dangerous out here; life is risky business;
When someone is not interested in me; they are susceptible to playing me with no mercy or conscious… “I mean nothing to them”; they never claimed otherwise. They are not attracted to me. Its very important to stay away from these type of people.
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So; right from the start; its important to know my place in society; to know what I can and cant get or buy the candy store. Its important to find out the kind of people I want to associate with; The kinds of people that respect people like me is what Im looking for. I never found any because I never started or worked a thorough search. Many Many people don’t don’t understand or respect me; don’t know me or care; I would say Im more of a ghost in society.
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Its important to work with God and find good types of people first; the kinds that like me for who I am… and respect me and my lot in life or social situation; under God…
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GUITARS;
Ive noticed as I get better spiritually; Ive noticed tho; Im willing to buy something on what others tell me; not on what I actually want. Im easily persuaded.
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When I listen to a guitar; Im listening for sound; How does it sound to me… And their it is!
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Ive found a whole lot of expensive guitars that sound horrible… they do not sound like musical instruments; they sound like machines created to fit in with other machines as those other machines are making noise in the factory.
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Im looking for an instrument that will fit. \
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Im finding that 2 many people are making my decisions based on what they like or don’t like instead of myself making decisions on what I like or don’t like. This is the next level of development of maturity and experience Im looking for; to come into reality; as someone making my own decisions for myself based on internal requirements..
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Which guitar should I buy; whats the best brands. Who makes guitars that are popular. What about the ones that are not popular; should I stay away from them. Should I stay away from popular brands..
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Can I just make a decision because I want to. Can I trust myself. Its been a long time since I trust myself and make my own decisions.
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Out of desperation ill make a decision; Ill go for something that has some worth because a little is better then nothing.
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FIRST LOVE: I made a mistake? This was not a Love; this was NO LOVE! This was nothing! It was a created perceived situation in my head. I did not stop to ask if what was being generated in my head was actually going on in reality; unfortunately for me nothing in my head was actually going on in reality; I was completely dissociated from reality; mental health problems.
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NOTE; Something is wrong with this situation; This person didn’t really like me; So; its strange that I would be hooked on this person. I think this was the only person I could act normal around. I couldn’t around anyone else. I simply had no more ins with people. Thats what was important. That is changing now; because God is making me aware of my dissociative problems. I think maybe I imagined everything was OK when I was around this person; but she was faking it; thats why! So; I will have to really look at this in the coming months…
Why cant I accept I found the wrong person; I made a mistake.
Why am I so special that I cant admit that I made a mistake. I make mistakes all the time; why not in the relational area. I made a mistake in the relational area. I was blind making decisions and I fell into a ditch because I was blind.
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NOTE: mental illness has something to do with this; suddenly I didn’t have access to this person; it was like someone taking away my only friend; So; I really made them into some kind of family unit; when I realty; they were never a friend in the first place. Hopefully I can just get better and see this sad situation for what it is.
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As I remember; I was just played because I was dump enough to go to this persons house with an pr-caution.
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NOTE; Why would I think I would make any less mistakes in the relational area as in every other areas of mistake making.
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So; when attracting women; I would attract someone and then try to act like James Bond 007 and be cool and not show any mistakes. If I made any mistakes I would just quit; because I quit when I made mistakes with people; I never got anywhere with people. And so I was a combination of a sensitive quirky person who made all kinds of mistakes; I have avoidance disorder; developmental; trauma disorder. Dissociative disorder; Ive had psychotic clinical depression and anxiety disorders… and so on; the list continues; All kinds of problems; but I would quit because I didn’t understand that it was normal for me to make million mistakes. I never stopped and worked with a girl on it; communicated with her about things so I could straiten things out. So; Im just now getting more honest about it so I can be real and present a bit; its really hard for me to be present; amen…
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NOTE: Im starting to get to a point of acceptance and freedom that I make thousands of mistakes all the time in relational areas; in fact; Im really bad at it; Not good in relational areas; Im like direction -ally blind.
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But; I was blind and I went about all things blindly; and what happened; I did not succeed; I was stopped in my tracks right from the start. Why? Because I made a mistake. Why cant I make mistakes.
Who wrote the rule book that said Im suppose to get this relational thing correct the first time; Why would I think that.
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The truth is; I made complete mistakes; I was completely wrong and will have to start over… Why am I suppose important that this cant happen to me; or happen all the time until I wise up and stop doing things that are causing me the problems. I mean; I guess I thought I was so important that I will be doing everything right from the start; I wont be. Ill be making all kinds of relational mistakes; and hopefully if I stop thinking I wont make mistake; hopefully I can learn from them and work with God; co creating; learning the mistake; learn from them and move on; accepting Im going to make a thousand of them.
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NOTE: So; Im really getting it; an understan ding of things; Im really slow or make massive amounts of mistakes with people social; If I can work with those people; not blame others; look at my own behavior; catch those mistakes and try to come back and try and work with them; not run off. But tell them they are important to me and I don’t want to quit.. just keep working with them; keep trying. Not leave…
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So; Im starting to accept myself as someone who is blind emotionally; ( I should not let that stop me from trying things). and altho working with God; Im going to make 1000 mistakes.. I have to keep going and keep working with God.
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But; God is making it possible; God is creating in me a new acceptable person; someone accepting himself.
As The song goes; “ Ive got friends in LOW places”. Meaning me! Im my friend and forgiving. Meaning; why did I ever think Im not suppose to make a 1000000 mistake every time I try something. I just have to keep at it.. don’t expect anything… Just try things and what ever happen; Ive Got God; don’t worry about any outcomes.. Ive got God and will start over or try again 10000 times because no one promised me anything in the first place. And this is sounding better I think.
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Im not their yet; but Im getting their…
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So this FIRST LOVE thing; is just a mistake… And Ill work with God on this; it was a big blunder. I was very young and Ill be making a million more of these blunders so don’t worry about it; its normal and natural for me to make millions of mistakes; I don’t see the outside world as a place I would do any less; ill just accept this as normal. Ill have to work at things for a long time until I really find out what is going on…
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This goes for women as well as finding the right guitars… Ill make a million mistakes… Im blind; its just the way it is; so. I wont expect anything from either situation. Ill just take chances and explain to others Im taking chances; but I don’t know the outcomes. Ill work with God and hopefully grow adapt and learn. Amen…
I think Im making my point. Im not strong enough for any of this yet in the outside world; but ill pray about it and work at it. Amen.
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I am getting this from God; this is the philosophy from God. This is the insight from God… Make a thousand mistakes and not let any of them get to me; don’t even bother because its always been this way; its normal… I was never living in the real world. As I switch over to the real world this is what happens; Gods philosophies begin to surface.
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So; according to God I will be making a thousand mistakes; mistakes all the time. Ill make mistakes because Im blind; I have no idea of the outcome. How could I . Instead of not trying; I will stop expecting anything from it. I wont expect things to go well; Ill expect everything will break down in front of me and I wont care. Ill still have my relationship with God and my recovery people and sponsors and the steps to work and therapy if I need it or want it and… I have a payee and other things so… Ill be OK.
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So; Its important to Get back with God; accept these are mistakes; work with God; start over with God; in Gods sovereign state; and begin again under God; Over and over and over…
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SO; I go out try things. Make mistakes… I go back to God and start over after letting those mistakes go; because; They don’t mean anything nor does the history associated with them.
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I start over under God again… and begin again.
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In the past; All of these mistakes would devistate me; just one mistake; but Ive got some support on my side this time and can try some things. But not yet; im not used to any of this; Ill keep working with God.
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What would all of this chance taking and mistake making look like when buying a guitar?
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Well; Id feel like no one owes me anything; Im on my own to find my idea of the perfect guitar; electric guitar… I don’t know what that means; Ill have to take chances and make mistakes to find out.
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I do know that what I like may go against the grain of what society and social media tell me Im suppose to like… And being on my own; Ill have to look into this.
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Society and social media might tell me; “ This is a great guitar; its fantastic for performing live and use in the studio recording”; but to me it sucks. It sounds horrible and its uninspiring. Yet; social media is so strong and the instrument so popular; I might fool myself and buy it; only to find when I got it home; IT SUCKS!
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This is why I want to learn how to make my own decisions. I want to grow up enough to naturally find out the solutions to my problems; where I naturally put out the energy to attempt things and try things… and find out for myself the working model I use and am willing to work with that I can believe enough to put out the extra time to find out what Im looking for…
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“Being miss led and blaming others… “
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Being miss led and blaming is others is from my position of broken abused child. Im always looking for someone to play the parent and make it right. Feel guilty for me; and ask me how they can make it right for me…
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So; I would like to become the parent who makes his own decisions based on all the information Ive gathered. I don’t want to blame anyone because I wasnt willing to find out what the best instrument really is for me.
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The best thing to do is go try them out… thats a start.
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NOTE; As for relationships; not everyone I meet is sent by God; So they are not aware or could care less about me or caring about me and my future; and they don’t care about my development; they are not my psychiatrist or psychologist; they don’t have a vested interest in my mental health…
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Nothing worse then I fall in love with someone and I care about every aspect of that person; only to find out later; I made a mistake; “ WRONG PERSON”; They feel nothing for me; never did; and never lied about it… I have to sheepishly walk away and never return and count that as a learning experience of big mistake.
Not everyone cares about my development. And I can find that at some point when the games are over; the other person simply leaves; they don’t care about anything else… TGHey don’t care about me… I mean nothing to them.
If I don’t like this sort of thing happening to me; Go somewhere else; Stop associating with people who don’t like me… or don’t care about me or my development.
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NOTE: being Pathological about finding mom and Dad. I spent most of my life almost in a tracktor beam toward others; If they paid me any attention; I turned them into mom and Dad and expected them to take care of me. If they didn’t and didn’t understand me; I wrote them off with double hatred and resentments… And was that much more hurt in the world and wiped out…
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Im thinking of putting together a surf’n group; a surf band. I kind of makes sense right now..
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STARTING OVER;
Im starting to see myself in the early 60’s when I was a little kid; That was the time of my dreams. And now; Im starting again. I just am; God is giving me the clues to the universe; clues on how to function again around people; Its not that I can function normal; I cant; I make 1000 dissociative mistakes. What God is letting me know; its Oke; its ok to make 1000 mistakes to get to my first goal of interest; its Oke; just don’t quit.. And because Im starting to understand I make 100000 mistakes; why wouldnt I just try to repair them and stick with the goal. I never did that before. Image; I thought I had an image to protect. So if I made a mistake I run as fast as possible in the other direction.
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Ive had a loss of identity. Ive had a loss of everything; However; with years of recovery and God; some how Im coming back to a starting point again.
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But;’ what now! Im a kid of the 60’s. That was my time; My Generation. I was from the “ Young Generation- And We Had Something To Say”; As the group; the Monkeys stated… That was our identity of that time… It was truly the best time in American History; And I was born in the very beginning of it… I started out life in the middle of the surf craze of the early 60’s with all the Monster movies and surf movies… And the famous surf guitarists…
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Here I am now. I mean; I cant discribe any of this.
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I had all of these hopes all of my life… meaning from the beginning and they all vanished. Whats interesting; with all the recovery work. Im old; but man; maybe free… Its different.
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I want to put on a surf movie like beach blanket bingo… And suddenly I realize its not 1966; its 2024. whats strange about it; I get to start over perdy-much where I left off when I was a kid. At this point with all the resentments gone or understood or under control. Its like I start over.
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I missed everything. I will have to work with God…
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Whats needed is a beginning. Working with God… My whole life has been the origional memories in the 60’s; and then now! Nothing in between; because in between was traumatic Horror; mental illness; some forms of coping addictions. And Horrible people; just horrible horrible…
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I was not connected into anything; I was a thrown away when I was child. And here I am now.
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Where am I at now; Well; Im doing OK. Im Oke!
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Ive got allot of help if I need it; Ive got allot of support structures put into place but I have no real life outside… What I mean is this; Im very lucky! Im lucky to be in these condition or spot… Im more then lucky; Im the luckiest guy in the world. I don’t have any resentments of the past. Sexual abuse; Well; it will slowly get better; I feel better anyway. First love; Healthy Fear of what can happen in this life; its risky business… It will always hurt… I learned a horrible lesson; Next time God tells me to marry some. Just marry them; Dont play games and thrown them away… Whether that person liked me or not or even if I meant nothing to them; God still put us together… And she knew who I was; I was her husband and she knew it. But I ran away; And consequences; that was that. I lost my chance; It was over.
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I still have God…
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I was at a meeting; It said I would have Promises; We will know a new freedom and a new happiness…
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So; Im experiencing the new freedom… I have freedom from several areas; and into the present; No more resentments; Ive worked on them, theyve left me kind of on the door set of time; present time. All I have now is the present.
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Happiness; NO! Am I not happy? NO! Its not that Im not happy; Im just here. I havent earned happiness yet in my present situation.
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First; their must be this interim. Something that completely allows me to believe again and be in the present. That is what Im working on next. Im still on the side walks of life; not in life. Ive been on the side walks in many states of mind. Now; Im kind of emotionally here. But its like being a 3 year old.
Im OKE; And thats better then most; really; seriously. But no further; and no developmental tracks inward in society. Ive been to the morgue in this life; the grave yard; the nut house; the forests; a few times to the homeless shelter… On a closer rung; Ive lived in state housing for the mentally ill and for the poor… Fair enough.
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Im doing better then most; I even have hobbies; but they all seem regulated to the outside of society. Im OKE.
Im like a 3 year old who cant move yet or live yet… However; I can live now. But I will have to learn how from a stand still starting point. Ill have to learn how to take my first steps forward into an unknown world.
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Happiness; No! I havent earned it yet. Today; its not like when young; I have to earn it with Gods help.
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I have to earn what I imagine I want. And work with God and trust God…
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Nothing is free for me. I earn every inch of the steps I take… I work with God; set a pathway before me; even short or small; I still earn every step as Gods Angels hold me up as I re learn how to walk down Gods pathway…
Where am I going; I don’t know. I am blind; I cannot see; but God can… and I learn to work through God; However; there is a gap.
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A dissociative Gap exists between where Im at and working completely with God… And its a very difficult gap… its very repelling, hard, impossible looking. Like rock n steal… Its a final big Boss!
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So…… I will trudge forward working with God; through this Gap… This will take what it takes. I guess; Im not in control… that is the key… I pleed with God for help… Help me God; help me; Amen.
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I have this desert to go through from one side to the other to regain or be back into the next level of society; where Im more present… Im heading back; but this time I must earn it and with God ahead of me. I don’t know what my future looks like. I wont be taking anyone from the past with me…
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So; God will be supplying all new for me… So; am I excited; no; not yet; I still have a journey to go through…
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This is an important journey section because this lets go of more of the past I cant take with me; and it prepares me for the future; or what God will bring me… It means grieving as I move into the present; but this time all things under God… That means I take spontaneous interests to God first; I don’t act on my feelings; I talk to God first…
Dear God help me… amen…
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Im getting their; I must go through this next level first for freedom; some newer levels of earned freedom…
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