July 2025
June 2025
Ive been working on the next step forward; writing about it; writing allot. writing page after page but not posting it.
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The bad people of the past are gone. I still have to deal with what they were and how they affected my day to day moment to moment life. THE bulling aspect.
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I think what Im waking up to is how to work through the bullying of the past and not stay in freeze mode; but learn to feel those feelings again and feel safe again. How do I process those feelings and feel safe again.
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Im now dealing with that strange presence called being present. I made it this far; made it beyond resentments into the present reality. Its not easy; its scary and it hurts. I can look back at so many different situations with bad people that were manipulating me lying to me and using me that were never my friends; I was being humiliated and made a fool from hatred and contempt.
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When I was a little boy; I went to a friends backyard; It was fun; it may be; thats all I suppose to do and leave and never return to that place; for they were never friends of mine.
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What happens when I no longer need that person who was the fake friend; I dont need them in the present; they are nullified. What does this mean; they are not needed in the present or part of my present anymore. God never wanted them around me in the first place.
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They are not part of anything anymore; In the present they dont exist and never did. And should never had any other further involvement in my personal life then say just one encounter where I ended up looking around in there backyard when 7 years old.
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The key is to become present; that's what's happening for me. At some point many things are going to come back to me and Ill be able to function better then before. I will not care about the past or who was involved in it. Meaning; I don't have to see those people ever again. I still care what happened. I don't want it happening again. anyway;
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Im still in a paralized freeze mode over bullying; all of it as if its happening over n over n over; Im reliving it all the time. Maybe God can help me with that.
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Being in the present allows me to start over where I am as I am and work with God on what ive got right now as I am. and work with God on what I want to become.
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I still have dissociation to work on; Im still bent out of shape about things; I can see that. Im not totally free yet; Ill work with God on it.
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Massive trauma and baggage coming up from the past concerning my mother. I all ready know of it; but Ill talk about it if I can.
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Most pain is not being able to go back to my house in the neighborhood; she sold it. I had no idea that was the kind of human monster I was dealing with; So; its something I have to work with God on to accept and work through. if I was with a human monster that would do such things to people; and I was; then nothing was sacred neither a house or my future in it. And thus; it has to be dealt with. I have to work through the false value of being in that neighborhood. Since its associated with that monster; I have to start letting go and letting God and realizing there would be no future there. and I can do this one step at a time; its a hard one but can be done until I see the deeper reality of all this.
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in the abuse cycle I'm seeing my mother when I was 0-20 years old; all the horrible control and naturally wanting a mother to admire me and want good for me; I needed a mother; I got nothing but this monster... So; Ill have to work with God to get rid of the memories or control from this. I can see how this stopped me from becoming any kind of professional or using or developing talents.
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I became so violently enraged; Thats how much influence she had on me; I was destroyed. I couldn't function and couldn't take care of myself. Nothing.
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How do I go back in a fix work problems when young. Id have to go back to high school that was ruined. all things were ruined. But that is because I had to go back to her and take more abuse from that molester.. over n over n over n over.
I never saw another way out. I was 2 caught up in the anger and hatred of what these bullies and stalkers were doing to my life.
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Id have to go back to the beginning.
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So; I'm all ready seeing it. What happened to me at age 20; no functioning; mainly because I was on my own completely; had no family; everything was all ready gone completely. I did not plan on that.
Everything was gone by the time I was 9; I did not plan on that; and Ill work with God on that and find out how to move forward from there. This is all bad stuff.
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And from age 9; I can go back to age 7; I can feel it. So; many things need to start at that place to work through.
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With God all things are possible.
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SO; Ill pray first.
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Alternatives to other fake friends when young; where do I go; what do I do.
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working; school; goals
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Intellectual pursuits; I see my mother involved in every aspect when young because I have no money and no home and I have to depend on here;
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I'm starting to remember This person was a human monster and a molester and I know others similar to her that also tried controlling me. I have to work with God to see myself getting beyond these filth of pure evil and get them out of my conscious mind of having any power over it; I felt like I had no choice; economics being pulled from my home when so young; no place to run and hide; Ill have to sit with this and write about it; and sit with the pain of it.
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Solutions to dealing with those human monsters.
So; God is helping me with the idea of solutions; social solutions when I was young and being put down or destroyed and it stopped my self esteem to try something socially; those were explicit concepts created by those molesters to keep me down and from functioning or growing; now I challenge them with Gods help and go into the opposite direction with Gods help. And over power them and over come them.
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So; God is bringing me answers; I have to sit with who I was who I wanted to become; sit with it and with God at that same time and become it strengthening it; it starts with that. God shows up with people and places and things; places to go to start the exercises to get stronger in these areas.
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Im beginning to get it or see it; God will take me places where I will re train or train for the first time for building my confidence in the most natural ways I was intended in the first place.
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So; The idea was; or is; I'm at that age where I'm with my mother; I'm at her house; I'm trying to develop myself naturally; I'm a kid; the house is taken away; I'm abandon; I have no one; and just hatred and a kind of horror of being completely alone. What do I do now. I cant function.
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SO; The universe's answer is a simple one. Why not allow someone else to help with the beginning social training; not my mother or father or there house. Hmmmm? So; Well now.
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I tried going to friends houses; I tried making friends so I could do this. It didn't work. They never allowed it.
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it seems I was completely shut off; but with Gods help; source energy universe; the universe has a fast number of people that can help me develop all social development or anything else I want to develop.
SO working with God; I simply get to someone Elses house and someone else as a teacher.
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Also; because I know this mother father were nothing but molester murder's; my father was no different; he did not molest me but manipulated me the same. In the end; he is another form of murder'r./
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Do I have to care its not my mother and father at this point; NO! I mean; It still hurts; it still has power; but; and its humiliating; but no! its hard though; But God can put me back into the space of a little boy with new people; and I can relearn what I never learned and reversing neglect; Ill wait on god to see what direction God moves in.
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SO; since not having a mother or a house from the original situation is OK; it still hurts; I can ask God to take the child within me to knew places and relearn the original stuff I was suppose to learn as a boy; things I met friends for. The friends I met were never my friends; that's the problem; they would not be helping because they didn't care and never would.
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Ill write about what this looks like.
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Why is this so hard; well; it takes me back to my childhood and my childhood home and school and fake friends. I know in the end; I have no friends there; its all fake. I know the house is filled with people who want to murder me and destroy me. I know I wont be getting any help from those so called friends; so that dependency is over with; but; I can transfer it to God. and work with God.
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I'm Not even sure right now what I will be working on. I'm thinking Gilligan's Island and working on stuff in the back yard again; I can see it and feel it; I sure do miss my original neighborhood and backyard and stuff... Ill take it to God. all of it.
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SO; I'm starting to see my back yard as a child and the neighboring houses and allies and such as if I was there; I can feel it and see it as if I live there. I know God is bringing that aspect of my life back to me; it is unstable and strange and it does hurt.
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I get the idea behind what God is doing; so Ill work closely with God on the concept.
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All I have to do is keep believing...
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I see bullying; and so; that is not good; So; Ill work with God on this... SO I can center with God.
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Is it possible for God to transplant allot of my original development and goals out to others that I can really dig into my childhood and teen years and replace many things because I developed as I was suppose to at other safe places?
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God comes through again and creates; Plenty of hope!
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Things are opening up from my childhood; it is pure God; its the original me. Yes; its painful; bullying involved and I'm being destroyed and destroyed by my mother; neglected.
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So; I'm getting answers to hard feeling scary questions; like being all alone and being bullied by strangers and not knowing who to go to or what to do or who to tell; not feeling safe; where do I go. Who do I tell; So; God will help me with these answers as God is helping me with other answers to things.
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God will give me the answers to what I seek and how to handle them and the growth involved. ITs all slowly coming out with allot of PTSD>
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Ill be experiencing allot of PSTD. I am right now; Ill work through it; its harsh.
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The key is all the opening of my childhood period; but with it is the bullies and that sucks; I have to sit with God and let those poison thoughts pass through.
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Its remarkable that Im at this place in the first place.
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SO; Its opening up my childhood; something that was entombed; that was the idea behind it with the psychopaths; but they are not GOD. They are murder'rs and they are not God. God can restore anything; take me day by day back into my life so I can remember who I am; remember everything.
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The other problem was; I spent my time at someone Elses house; and they were never my friends; it was fake. I didn't know. I thought I was valued; so; all of that has to go. And so it was with other people as well.
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The point is; God will bring everything back to me.
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Getting hit with allot of PTSD from the past; getting triggered all over the place.
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Ill just have to get used to it; I've got allot of it.
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There have been plenty of people like my mother try to bully me and attack me. ITs 2 bad I could not do anything about it. It didn't seem to matter that much at the time; it just meant I was never in worthwhile safe places.
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I did not understand the outside world.
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I found myself in the wrong open areas. I just didn't understand anything.
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Now; I have a chance to work with the universe to unravel this stuff maybe start over.
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I have to keep at it; keep at it until my childhood appears again.
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Keep working with the universe.
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This is not easy time; lots of anger and rage and hatred.. and abuse. Not protected. 2 many people around me and in my inner space and personal space and life.
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There's all of new processing to do. and its ugly processing; horrible. I have to stay in Gods realm and sit within it; meditation.
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How to process bullying.
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Im physically sick right now and that does not help.
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Im slowly working with God. Im trying to look at everything and process it and move on. Its not easy to work on something and close it out and move on; its humiliating; I had no one on my side; ever! that's what sucks about all this.
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The key is to keep working with God on this; don't stop. Just keep going. I don't like any of what I'm seeing. Im seeing the same neglect from the first day I was born and I see myself being used by all adults toward others adults; being used as scapegoats.
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No one cares about my grades or schooling or future. And I have to take all this to God and see what direction God wants me to go. Also; these things show that its more important how someone was helping me when young then where I lived; I'm starting to see that where I lived was not important; its what they were doing for me; that's what's important. I stop in the middle of that and try to help myself; it doesn't work; but I don't know that it wont work. I do now. So; Im working with God to intervene in those years and clean things up; fix them so I can walk away from situations and still have a future.
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I had no friends; just fake friends.
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Im thinking now about mathematics; the study of it. The base study of things. THe interest in things.
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Ill keep working with the universe on this; All of this is a kind of direction I wanted to find. I wanted to needed to work through all the violent or controlling experiences when young; learn how to get through them with Gods help and then see the direction for myself on the other side. I'm going through it right now; I've got hundreds of theses situations to work through. Nothing could suck worse.
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This nasal infection does not help either; I don't want to go to the DR; no car; have to walk; sucks.
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So; I'm getting somewhere;
But this is truly horrible suck time of things; to deal with all of this hopeless demoralizing humiliating bullying; others being able to touch my body or control me through fear and I cant do anything about it.. its like being captured.
However, I'm asking God for the ability to work through freeze mode and open things up; slowly Ill keep working with God on this stuff to slowly keep opening up.
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So; Im slowly working with God to open things up.
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If I can ever get enough courage to go to the DR... I will; keep at it.
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A number of savings graces here; First; I was young and trapped and damaged and hurt; Im looking for the right word; wounded; I didnt fight back; had no idea what to fight back. Now; I dont have to stay in freeze mode; Im in freeze mode from what happened then but I dont have to; I know more now; Ill work with GOd.
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I still get bullied as an adult man and dont do anything about it; I go back into freeze mode as if Im around my mother again and stuck; Although embarrassing; Ill have to work with the universe on this to open things up. If I can; this is all new to me; and having answers to bullies is all new to me.
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So; It starts with writing stories of who i want to be. It about writing about doing things I really like.
Its about seeing myself develop in someone else's back yard; not the one I came from; because there was nothing there.
Its about the continuation of this work and possibly working through the need to go back to old backyards from my past and neighborhoods. This will take a lot of work.
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I was under the impression when very young that my father was on my side and wanted me to succeed in school; he did not; He was a human monster thinking he was above the law on all fronts; no God in these parasites. Nothing.
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I was just along for the ride when my father was around; when he was gone or finally left; I was dumped immediately by my mother. Had no chance.
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Today; I take all of this to God and keep telling God to align with me.
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Opening up new avenues for past things like drumming; Like how it could have happened; let the universe have it. Same problems. has to be something Im interested in and starting over with in the real world where I practice because Im interested in it. What would that have felt like. Get that opened up.
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My parents are together at first
THey seporate ; tramatic damage
I live with my father; break down
live with my mother agaihn; destroyed in trauma shock in other city
live with grand parence; raped; controlled; bullied in school; non functioning; no cares abut my grades or future; nothing.
THese parents or who ever they are; they each get a copy of my grades; they dont care. on purpose; they keep me down.
I go back to my mothers; I have to ; I have to get away from those monsters in the school system and at home; nothing is safe
From there I leave again; go back to live with my best friend; but theres no best friend anymore nor family friend; nothing; they are not my friends anymore; its as if I had never met them.
From there I go back to my grand parents; and then this cycle will continue; and its really bad now; Im in my early 20's. I need help; psych help; I dont understand what kind of situation Ive gotten myself in to. I had no idea what these monsters were. THere was no help with any of them and no future; never will be.
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Now; The most important thing is looking at those grades and trying to figure out with Gods help; how to raise them and get the help; outside help to develop some interests. Outside.
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Looking back; its so horribly sad; its all done on purpose to destroy children. There is no hope with these evil people. non of them; I would have had to reach out to the right people and gotten help; did not really understand the concept. Ill spend another 5 years looking for love from anyone anywhere; Ill go back n fourth from family system to family system. From brother to father to grand parents to mother. They all have new families; they don't care. No one does; because they are the center of evil. I just didn't know. I know now; and have been working with God for a while unearthing everything and figuring out how to bring the right people into my life to get help.
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So; Ill pray concerning those grades and the help to achieve them when young. I had no outside help; I didn't know how to break away to receive help from any of it or who to trust. trust is a hard thing finally; when everything and everyone has betrayed me.
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Im getting some pics in my mind of the next level of help.
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Ill have to keep working with the universe on this. No one loved me; nothing ever; on any side of anything. No one cared about my future or existence; nothing. I had no idea any of this was going to happen; didn't know that's what I was living in.
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SO; I take it all to God and let the universe unravel it and open things up to the next levels.
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So; The schooling process is what they wanted destroyed. They did not want me doing anything in school or the anchor points of independence it would bring me; they wanted me murderer and useless.
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So; One of the keys of my future has to do with learning and the school system; learning how to apply myself to something I'm interested in.
The ability to become independent intellectually; OF interest in things. Part of things; committed to things.
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God can do this for me.
I'm seeing a kind of disconnect from everything; that's what the perpetrators wanted to do.
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SO; what does connection look like; where I feel safe and take chances.
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1. Its in my imagination first
2. connection with God; higher power; God is covering me complete to the ground; safety.
3. The practice of connection; IM thinking from ages 4-5 5-12 13; 14 15. A safe connective process. Well educated process
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My mother has to be dislodged from my past thoughts. God has to take the place of these criminals.
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Im seeing it. Gods got to open it up for me. Some how; I have to see myself at the school system talking to a teacher; telling them what is going on and telling them I want success in the school system; it has to be secret from those people I lived with; and I must have a large amount of people on myside outside that sick family systems; rebuilding me and building me and heading in directions that are creating career paths and confidence in the business world or intellectual world; that kind of thing; leadership world and roles.
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Its about connection and safety; and Ill work with God on this continually. Move into that direction.
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.SO; Things are making more sense. Im getting it; but; it will take some time to clear out the bad people attached to the over all concept of success Im looking for.
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Basically; God will re take me; re mold and re make me in someone else backyards of the world. When I was young; Isolation was a weapon used against me; physical and psychological.
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The psychological aspects of this weapon is to render someone useless by convincing them they cant be rescued; no one else alive that can or cares; that there is no such help from others; to help build a person; One is convinced to stay with the intruders because no one else cares. This is a kind of grooming trauma bonding the molester uses against the victem to convince them theres no reason to leave because theres no hope.
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God has allowed for me to know otherwise. I now know there are hundreds if not thousand of backyards in the world that would love to help re train me where I missed the basics.
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GOds world is vast.
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My goal is to become a successful student; What does this mean; Lets say I like Anthropology; So; I start studying Anthropology. From there; I start an interest in mathematics and how its used in Anthropology. How is English language used in Anthropology. I began to get interested in it as a subject. I want to study it; I want to be committed to it; studying about it all the time; I become a strait A student; I just do. I would not expect anything less. Im fully onboard. Im saving money to go on school trips for Anthropology; That kind of thing. This is just a taste or idea of what Im talking about when speaking about school success. It suggests an interest independent. it means; if my mother was never involved in my life; I would still be interested in Anthropology and developing within it. Being part of it; a complete interest.
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So; i think the above paragraph is starting to spell out part of my identity; a part that was destroyed or murdered or covered over.
The molesters kept me down. I could not move. I could not be part of anything; or they would use trauma situations to break me thus could not get into anything; could not be a apart of anything and couldn't fight back.
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I could say the same thing about mathematics. The point I want to make is; the importance of that breaking point where I give my way or interest over to mathematics and make it my life. Its mine; Im in; im involved. Thats what Im looking for; thats what the universe is lookiing for for me.
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That gap where so much pain and dissociation reside is where the universe is going to help me. I have to learn to hold my own feelings when in that gap; just let myself feel; dont do anything else; just feel; it; do it enough times until it strengthens. Start with that.
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Business and leadership; this is another area.
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The ARTS; This is another area.
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Drama; This is another area.
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Its good that I write these down because there are so many; I should have been involved in every aspect of the school system; but I was smashed and smothered out of it by jealous people.
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So; Im starting to get a wake up call.
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The more I get involved in things; the more Ill be invited to the right peoples houses who do these things.
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Im starting to see a picture emerge.
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Im starting to remember. So; Gods got to go in there and clean all this up. I get it. Ive got to go in and clean all this up first with Gods help. Just feel what Im suppose to feel and sit with it.
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At least I have a name for what is going on. The smashing of all my talents and interests.
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