June 2025
May 2025
The girl up the street; I am now to continue to pray for forgiveness to the universe/God for involvement with this girl when I was young. I am to continue to pray for forgiveness or hurting her or involving her in my life or betraying her or abandoning her; not telling her how I felt and on n on through many character flaws; Lots of them.
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The point of all this; is to be released from this person or to let them go and move on with God.
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Its complex. The point is; its releasing me from this person from this incident. Its a slow process; any time the persons visual pops up in my mind I pray to God for forgiveness for hurting the person at least 20 times in a row; over n over during the days..
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And as my mind opens I began to see more of what happened to me.
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I avoided this girl; I avoided dating her; I didnt feel good enough; I began to get doubtful thoughts concerning her and started avoiding her. I did not know how I could have kept up with her; impossible; I had to many problems and pulled away from her. However, I did date other people at the same time or made out with other girls at the same time; and that makes no real sense. If I wanted to be with her; I should have just been with her; taken the chance and faced up to my feelings for her.. But I didnt; and in a confused state with many circumstances surrounding the situation.
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Why is all of this so important now; I had exploded the bridges that led to her. and I couldn't get back . I could not get that part of myself back. I could not move forward with my life; all I could do was avoid.
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God brought us together and I betrayed God; And thus I became lost. I betrayed the girl; she was depending on God to bring her someone that loved her. I didnt follow through; God did not know I was going to do this; I had free will. Suddenly I gave God a bad name with this person; more importantly I damaged this person... a person that I had built up trust with; I considered her my friend; or I was building a friendship and she was trusting me; so It was pure evil what I did and what I did to her. Monstrous. I was stunned and shocked when it was presented what I had done to her; I had killed that part of her... ruptured her personality raped it; her personality in this specific area; I turned on her and abandon her. By doing so; I condemned myself to my own death.
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I did all of this myself. No one else to blame; what could I have done differently; Nothing at that time.
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the magic of the present is; I can do something about it now! As for the girl; She is an old women now I guess.. I would not know; but this is not just about her.
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The magic of this situation is that it releases me to stop avoiding and thus be able to enter relationships again; for this part of me was completely closed off.
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Now; I can look back on this situation and I can watch it within my mind. But this time not participate in the negative way I did from the original experience. I'm not free yet; I have allot of work to do forgiving everything I can see and feel and come up with concerning this person. The goal is to bring the situation back to the beginning starting live before I met her; as if I never met her. And caused no harm to her or to me.
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I get my ability to make women friends again; start over.
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Do I want this person back! No! to dangerous. She was not safe; but I didnt learn this until later.
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However, God told me that was non of my business as I never established a relationship with her; only saw the potential of one and I kept that to myself. But I wanted her but never followed through; and I betrayed my friendship with her; and that's what angered God and immediately pulled me from the site. I originally was not getting involved with her to cause her trouble; it never crossed my mind.
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This next segment of this blog is O so important for this was the reason I blogged on this subject for so long; for God to step in when ready and help clarify.
Major area Im learning about that God wanted opened up that I go on journeys..
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One; I had no mother; when young I waited for my mothers involvement and interactions in my life; instead of involvement; she abandon me. What does this mean for the present; it means Ive had no mother experiences or development; so; I'm asking God for such things... that I become a whole person; Im not sure how God will go about this; but it will happened...
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two; Im extremely bashful around women.
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Three; I do not know how nor have I ever practices showing my feelings for a women; asking her for what I want; telling her I like her or love her or wanted a relationship with her... Nothing; Im no good at it; or have never done it; I'm devoid of such things; Thus; something for the universe to help with to correct this situation and get me back on my feet again.
I realized I could not share or express my feelings for someone; that was
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So; most important is new development for mother/son experiences; I have no idea how the universe is going to fill in these gaps but Ive been through stuff like this before; a journey will establish and things will start to move forward.
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At some point Ill be ready for another girlfriend.
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I stopped involving myself with women several years ago when I embarked on this self discovery crusade. Many changes are manifesting.
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MUSIC;
It seems music is becoming completed. at some point I wont have to bring it up anymore. This does not mean Ive performed anything; I have not; Im just now experimenting with notes on page and have been practicing some of them at the keyboard; This means 2 areas separated have come together; Fantasy and reality are meetings. Or have met; Now Its a matter of work.
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WEIGHT LOSE; Not so good.
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Ill have to become dedicated to losing weight and eating other foods... The right diet foods; its up to me to humble myself into a deeper more grounded position; Ill keep working on it and praying and writing affirmation's about it.
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More information concerning the GIRL UP THE STREET..
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The girl up the street represents massive break downs. She represented Family; my future family; I put those deeper feelings into this basket and I made a mistake; I put those feelings and vulnerability in the basket with a monster. And I was destroyed for it. I had no idea. Nothing until later.
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Ruptured; that's what happened and I was put to sleep for good.
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Im now getting a chance for relief; real relief From the universe over this situation. By being able to ask God to forgive me for what I did over n over n over on many fronts concerning The girl up the street; Im guaranteed a chance to break away from it and move on independently. Its not just the forgiveness that is important here; its the ability to even be able to participate at this level openly; my feelings.
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As I get deeper concerning this person; the horror and evil begins to show up at a deeper level; that places where I start having massive break downs. So; this is no game.
And I had the idea of Family buried under all of this for a deeper purpose and that was destroyed or ruptured to a point I was shut off from it for good; I was shut off from everything for good.
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Im getting that relief; that feelings of personal power; moving ability; the ability to move around in all this; never had this before; but then I was never open to be able to.
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I have to keep working with the universe on healing.
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What happened to me concerning the Girl up the street is dangerous; I was destroyed. It was no game. This was the wrong person to be ever interacting with; ever!
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Im looking forward to the universe slowly bringing back my life; right now Im getting some peace as things unfold for my life. That is all that I could ever ask for; unbelievable.
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.No way to describe my recovery process; Im a very lucky man. To many I would seem to have nothing and go nowhere in life.
I had one women comment that it seemed Id been in my apartment all my life; never left. She is another sociopathic type. Im not sure if I attract them? I dont know. They are cold and calculated and have contempt and think they are superior. ANd they seem to think they are hiding it and getting away with it; no remorse; nothing.
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Secretly I get better; slowly from my whole life experience. And that is a miracle.
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What are the next goals;
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1. Performing live piano; a song Ive written. Also a song sung with lyrics Ive created for the next piece.
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MOney! asking the universe to open up the idea of attracting more money!
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Losing weight is a big big one. I kind of have the idea of what needs to be done; a strict diet. My attitude is changing. However, less arrogance and letting go; Im not in control here.
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More outside world stuff and less 12 step meetings.
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Im interested in a car; but there must be more money or no go. No problem; Ill keep working with the universe on this.
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Ill be getting another monitor for a computer for music. Id like the right one and Ill wait on God.
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Meditation on a daily basis again; its been a while. I pray allot tho; but meditation on a daily basis.
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Do I want to get involved with new relationship; I dont know; the horror of the past; unbelievable.
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The women Ive met are just horrible... Unbelievable. They are not even people. Not all that that Ive met are bad; most tho... almost all of them
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Ive never met anyone that sees any value in me or takes me seriously or values me ever! Nothing; I dont know what to think; the Bible told me other wise; it lied to me.
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With women its all male shaming; that is all it is; any conversation; and thats all it ever is. Impossible to have any conversation of any kind with them. Nothing. I assume they dont want a relationship with me of any kind; those Ive met; and that is why its been this way. And I guess they have the right not to; but its strange life. Im still a decent person; nothing has changed. My value as a human being has no value to this group of people. I will continue to work with GOd...
Ive been truly despised by women as a despicable loser. In reality; Im just a decent human being and nothing more; that is what they are despising. I cant fight against this. Im not an in human thug sociopath with no brain but all muscle. Im just a regular person; decent with an education. Nothing more; completely looked over or un wanted.
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I would like to work with the universe to again find it possible to actually care enough to make a women a friend; that would wonderful. What would I be getting into tho; Hell... Again?
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Ill work with God only to deal with safe people. And non of the women I've met; most are not safe! They try to male attack through shame; thats all the conversation are; nothing more. The truth has no value.
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Possibly need to meet more intelligent women? I have no idea. I had no idea! I was not taught as a child it would ever be like this. I have no idea how to react to any of this; its just horrible.
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Id like to meet some nice people; is this really possible. God can bring such things around.
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The reason Im healing up from the past; at least a bit; is for the purpose of future relationships. I dont know what that means yet.
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My apartment is clean; Im slowly working on my music again; its gone from fantasy to reality; joining or moving into reality where I can create something real; or start the process and actually watch the self actualization.
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I wont be around people that are not safe. I cant be around women that are not safe; I wont do it; its a complete waist of time and dangerous to my soul.
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I must remember that GOd is on my side and Ill continue to work with GOd.
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I have very little if any outside life of any kind. Ill work with GOd on these things.
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Ill keep reporting on the Girl up the street; its affects on me and what it all means at a deeper level; but God is creating solutions for peace within me. So... I dont know what the next healing level will be.
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