June 2025
May 2025
When at those rare moments I go through a porn race where Im exhausted... Im not sure what brings that on... It happens... After; their is a strange feeling of aloneness and isolation. Its strange form of adaptation to isolation; like long term aloneness...
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Today; I feel this uneasiness... this feeling of; Im awake and alone... Im feeling it... My feelings are raw... Im opening...
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Things changed today; Ive advanced yet again and another form of an abrupt paradigm shift; it was short complete and brunt. Not a big giant thing; but it is... its like dropping a solid inch closer to reality... but its only an inch or its a full complete shift... blunt and very quick.
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My true love; the one I was going to marry; A new view and some positives ...
First;
Im visualizing my first love within my imagination; Im re creating the narrative of my old relationship with her.
I walk up to her house; knock on the door; she answers; I grab her hands and say; "I love you"; over n over n over n over n over; thousands of times... And " God loves you"; thousands of times.. And many more interactions and communications and talking with each other...
Heres whats important; Im always working on this visualization and I always respond with seeing this women in my imagination and saying. " I love you". So; Im always saying to myself religiously; I love you. thats all I say to myself... I do not ever speak negatively about my first love like I used to; now; its religiously done; " I love you". Automatic... And so; most of the time; Im not speaking negative about myself; I get hit with negative thoughts that create gnawing feelings of self attack. But I dont attack with negatives; I say positive stuff; I speak to the universe and talk as if the universe is protecting me or loving me or taking care of me. And now; when I think about anything dealing with relationships I turn to my first love and say; " I love you"; And this is a very good thing over n over over... Lots of positive toward myself.
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The next interesting thing that happened today as I woke up from the past; I never had a true love. I never told her. As I wake up to the gap; the gap is from abandonment when young; over n over n over n over; My whole life thrown away over n over n over until my mind was gone from reality.
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However, a new strange reality is occurring; First; I visited this girl many times; but did not to much else. She never knew I liked her nor what it meant. I mean; she later heard I loved her but said I meant nothing to her... As was as if she had never met me. And now; looking back; she may never really had. I was in the process of moving forward with her and talk to her. I never told her anything. In reality; all I did was go to her house and flirt with her for awhile; When I was darkened by the psychopaths and my nervous system gone; I collapsed within the gap; and amnesia took over; this was also from abandonment and the whole greater mental illness condition taking over...
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The point is; that place; that gap; I have not actually seen whats down in that gap until I wake up to it and that started today and Im already remembering things about this bigger picture I only remembered at that time... So; Im beginning to see it; I was going to go up to her and start the process to get to know her; and that is coming back.. This means Im waking up to have a life and get things done... go after what I want... thats what it means. Its just a start; and Im stunned; Its been most of my life I have not remembered.
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New things;
I called a person tonight I have not called for 11 years since the first time meeting him... I called him tonight because Im waking up into reality on the edge... The edge of a reality Im moving into... Im not sure what carved out role I will have...
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If I keep this up.. at some point; Ill be able to talk to women when I meet them; not put them off for 6 months to make sure Im safe..
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I was told tonight by a friend that certain women were afraid I would leave them; walk away from them; run way if They got involved. And that scared them.... made them question if they wanted to get involved. They were afraid Id leave them; but in reality; I would not leave someone unless they gave me a reason and many of these women have already given me a reason before I date them.
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keep it going going through the gap...
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One of the main reasons Im working with my first love in my imagination is; I wont get preoccupied with women at the recovery meetings because; They are dangerous and deceptive and unsafe and untrustworthy; 2 faced; pure evil; criminal; and easily mistaken for a legitimate date; and why not! They look like everybody else. why not date them; but with a further glance inward; one sees the workings of the devil; this candy is no candy; its poison; for real; its easy deception; Not what God intended. Stay clear; danger.......
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THE goals is to work hard with my new narrative with this old love; work it through in my imagination until Im smoothly ready to walk into relationships again in the outside world... I am to bi pass the meetings for this because God has safer people for me whether I like it or not.
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The problem with the meetings is deception; the women are 2 faced criminals... These are seriously not women to hook up with for long term arrangements; and one does not know what their getting in short term experiences either.
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I talked to a women a month ago that is not allowed to talk to me anymore. Her husband doesn't want it. To keep her inline 4-5 months ago; He cheated on her while she was in the hospital. She told me and she told me how she rationalizes this. Or she did. Now; she does not talk to me anymore. I listen to the guy when he speaks; hes as smooth as ice. Hes not got a bit of conscious; nothing; Narcissist Im assuming; sociopath... just sickening; and its easy to be friends with these people because of how they act on the outside. One has to be Leary of these monster predators; they wear masks...
Im still getting the recovery I need. Ill be at this change over for a long time coming until my middle class values return and Im interested in the middle class way of life again. Normal way of life... decent way of life where Im interested in decent people again... To connect again... Im not suggesting all the people I know right now are not decent; they are; but some are sicker then others; and some are not sick; they are pure evil and Im in the same rooms with them; just saying.
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I have to learn how to connect to the middle class boy in me; not reject him out of fear and loathing; but re connect with him; thats what Im trying to do....
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Sometimes I think those women in the meetings will help me complete me. And maybe nothing could be further from the truth. Maybe they have their own sick agendas and it has nothing to do with what I want or need; and thus the fantasy will be broken... Its easy; when one hangs out at places with women; its easy to hook up with them... But its not funny; these people; someone of them; lots of them; unsafe with no conscious.... cute but very dangerous.... Destructive to ones social health ..
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So; God is teaching me how to bi pass this...
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Im not connected; thats the problem; im not connected to myself; Im split up into pieces and now im working with God to connect those pieces back together; and it requires a bit of safety and time and patience for this to happen. Not sure how I could have gotten to a place of hatting myself; I can see it tho; I wanted to fit in with the abusers that were abusing me so I turned on myself...
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Now; I have to regain myself again...
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Im disconnected from myself; in pieces and all of those people have to want to create tunnels to each other and send energy back n forth between each other. The part of me that is confident and around women and productive and masculine and self assured is another part of me I am not connected with... But we are learning how to become friends again... trust... The poet in me is a part of me; we are not connected but we are learning how to become friends again. The part of me that stands up for me or fights for me; we are not connected; but we are learning how to become friends again. The manager in me; the swinger; swashbuckler; the opportunist; the deal maker and keeper; the guy making deals with the outside world; the guy in the outside world with confidence; I dont know him; Ive only imagined him on TV and in TV; I have no idea of who that is in the outside world; nor have I created him yet... I dont know that I ever will; I might; if he doesn't make me to sick to my stomach...
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The most important part of me I want connected is with women; its a kind of confidence person I remember when young... energetic; outgoing; go getter; going out with the girls I want to go out with; that kind of thing...
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The universe is protecting me; keeping me away from women that do not have my best interests in mind; they want a man that is like an ape in a cage and they are not interested in helping me develop; they dont like me and they dont like the God I worship... They are not on my side; they are my enemies but I have something they want...... that is why they are friendly.
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In all circumstances; dont worship women; worship God... Worship God first...
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But to have women; I must be attached to that part of myself that interacts with women; and that part was destroyed through sexual abuse and abandonment and abuse and horror.,..
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The problem with letting women in to mother me or help; as the small boy in me responds; I think im the only one she is interested in mothering; she has been sent by God and its only for me; but wait; that is not true; she is not sent by God; But she acts like it. IF she doesn't get what she wants; she moves on to another boy-young man; Man... or what ever it is she is interested in... She moves on because its all slight of hand...
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And as I mention this; I am taken back to my childhood before I am thrown away out of my neighborhood; and that moment before that when I am young; all of that is what this is about; the rupturing of my personalty when thrown away; and working with God to somehow trust again and get that part of self restored again? Thats what this is about; that part of me got erased; Got dissolved... And softened up from being destroyed over an over... going through bad things.. So; what to do when that part of me was dragged through horror and terror...
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The other problem is; I have many many problems others dont know about... the inner me with dissociative disorder; un fortunately its the crazy stuff they show in the movies; am I really wanting to show others this true side of me; can they really help me; can they really relate; I doubt it... ive seen how the normee-s deal with me so fare; they dont have a clue and they move on; they think Im crazy... Im broken severely; they don't have a clue; dont understand...
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Im always working my recovery and just waiting on God as I do the work. Im not sure concerning relationship if anyone can have a relationship with a broken person like me; I doubt it... So fare the few that have tried ever even got started...
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Looking back at my first love; shockingly as I wake up; Their was no first love; I never developed it; What do I call what was before it; it still waste even potential; It was the beginning of something other then friendship; it was the beginning of a girlfriend; and thats when I ran off; it never got past the curious looking stage and I was silent and ran off; so the person never knew me. If she made comments about liking me or I meaning nothing to her; she never knew either way; she never had an idea who was before her; I had ran off long before that..
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So; what is waking up?
What part of me is waking up?; Its the part where I decide I liked that girl up the street and want to take it further with her and so Im going back up that street this morning and talk to her; lets assume Im 14 years old... Thats the part of me that is waking up; because this has Been the missing me; the part in amnesia that was gone; the part destroyed by the psychopaths; the missing linc-....
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So; Im getting somewhere; and the way I know; Im taking more social chances then before at ground level; the hard real level... And I am opening up more; and slowly; the door will open more n more; and this is where I have no protection from the world; its where I am open; but I need that " open" to make new friends and respond to people that I might like to have relationships with...
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A friend yesterday told me to open up to the people around him in the recovery process because they are broken as well; is not easy coming out as a mentally ill person; I wanted all of that fixed first before I associated with people.. Because I only wanted to be around these people if it would help fix the problems; using them as therapy for my fix; I wanted to use them; not become friends with them and settle in. I wanted to get the recovery and move on.... Well; Im starting to recovery just a bit in these areas... And learn to become myself and real again... that side that was smashed in and broken is starting to get stronger and heal a bit... its doing better in the outside world; my feelings are starting to flow through him and into the outside world; meaning hes living again and starting to work again a bit...
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The crime against my first love; My first love was like me; she was broken.. And at that moment I was to love her and connect with her; I pulled back against her and left her; abandon her; She was with me because she trusted me. I created the trust. God entrusted me with this task of taking care of her because I was sensitive to it because we were like each other and needed to be loved by each other... We were made for each other... But instead of following through; I led her on; even tho she was perfect for me... and I was suppose to take care of her; I bolted like a coward or criminal.. the criminal came out in me and took over hard... Now; as I wake up and get my senses back to what happened; Im not interested in doing that again; I get it.. I committed a crime a moral social ethical crime against someone; I betrayed God.. I left a hurt broken person to die alone in themselves.. I was suppose to connect with them.
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( I was suppose to connect with them); So; what happened? At that moment of connection; what happened; I questioned the situation; if it was safe; And I was leaving until I could find an answer that showed it wasn't safe. I couldn't find one; In shock because I wanted to bolt or run; I created one; it was a lie; I turned it on her; somehow blaming my behavior on her; she was innocent; did not understand... I did; I understood; I bolted.. I left her dangling alone; Pure Criminal... I am a coward. A real one.. And I dont know what to do about it; I mean; its really really bad.. REALLY BAD... I mean REEEEEEEEEaaaly bad! Bad bad.... SO bad.... Unbelievable coward; weakling; especially in this area... ITs so bad I have no problem talking about it... But thats because I have no shame... Criminal.
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So; I turned on Her and I turned on God; I completely turned on myself 180 degrees; ruining myself; I twisted myself inside out and destroyed myself..
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However, Im back with God again; and we are making this right... It does not include making it right with the girl; my first love because; I went back to her at the time; numerous times and tried to call her to connect; but I wasn't friendly; I wasn't the same...
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10 years later I called her and told her I loved her; was in love with her and thought of her as my best friend.. She was with her future husband I think... She made a fool out of me; laughed at it and hung up.... But I called her and told her how I really felt. And Ive brought this up periodically in different blogs from the beginning.... That I did call her later and told her how I always felt...
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So; This is not about reaching out to the specific girl of the past. This is about getting this and me straitened out with God. Me and God straitened out..
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The problem is; Ive repeated this scenario 20 times with other women; not that many; Im lying. But allot... And I want clarity and I want my brain back... I want to stop betraying the women that like me are are sent to me. I want to stop setting them up and abandoning them... Its like Im trying to get back at my mother and father or take it out on society for pulling my home away from me when I was a boy... my boyhood Home.
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(my boyhood home); Im not sure why God is not fixing this; I keep taking it to God; I dont get it.. I guess maybe hes working on this right now; all that Im working on right now reflects on that... As I mature; Ill be stable and oK with my life where it is; Ill be oKE...
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Plastic model kits; Ive bought about 150...
I use these for medicinal reasons; therapeutic reason for dissociative disorder; The bridge the gap between where I would have a breakdown for being to close within the edge of reality; where PTSD and flashbacks will trigger and take over turning me into an invalid... I use the models to learn how to touch something again and that it wont viciously bite back... So it trains the child in me to feel safe and Ok doing something outside his brain realm.. Its on the edge of reality; its therapeutic...
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So; Im changing... Im learning about relationships and what I need to do first with someone to set them strait on my intentions from the start... even tho Im old...
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On the edge of reality... This is not easy... Ill keep working with God on this stuff and feeling safe...
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I guess what bugs me about being young; I was never safe... And I didnt know it.
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