May 2025
April 2025
THE NEXT PUSH;
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NOTE: I have to become the person I want to be in life in order to attract the kind of life I want; and all under God...
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On my knees to God…
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The next push forward is out into the community…
In some basic pre situations; its already happening. And Im accepting of it.
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Occupations; Well; I guess at this point one could also call it a Hobby calling; I certainly am using my Purpose; one of them in life… Thus; I kind of mix of Hobby/Calling/Purpose/Occupation style; I wont call this form of occupation traditional payed work; Im not getting traditionally paid; its not a formal paid job… But the tasks are similar and the commitment… Its more a combination of Artistic expression/recreation/recreation concepts/social interactions/practice-skill-development/teamwork.
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ART; Im working with God on Art Purpose. One area that is seeking up on me is; If Im left with nothing but willingness; will that be enough to put out effort for Art creation. Can I break the hardened resentments within myself surrounding Art. I will try; Ill work on it. The goal is interest. Am I so interested in Art that I will create art regardless.
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I thing has been; I havent had a purpose; and Ive needed one; ( What do I do with the Art work) ( whats the calling) ( What is It for).
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However; if I don’t get that answered; Im starting to see the other motivation is from the other side; I simply love making Art. And I want to experiment and make it all day long; so I go make it anyway and play with the ideas… because I want to.
Still; id need much growth to do this; what is required is; to be at base level with nothing concerning Art; be like a person with an interest and thats all I have… And go from there as if no one owes me anything; I just do it because I love doing it or want to be creative.
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I want to feel protected in my life; so……
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NOTE: I have to learn how to memorize.. With PTSD problems; this is hard…
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MENTAL HEATH ISSUES>..
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With Agoraphobia and AVPD; and Dissociative disorder; its hard to leave my apartment into a strange world landscape I don’t fit into… The outside world is made up of people and I have to depend on them and what they have and what I don’t have. I don’t seem to be able to function outside; I just kind of collapse and turn into a walking corps; I have to wait for others to help.
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If the outside world has one thing; its; help; meaning; I have to depend on help to be part of things. I cant function out here… However; at least im trusting the process again enough to believe God is supplying an outside that is suitable for me at some degrees…
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I can get mad at why God did not give me opportunities in this life for something of the outside world. I don’t know… Ill keep working with God…
I do have to become willing and to change my mind about the outside world… I have to trust and work with God…
I have goals; I have to go with what ever God tells me to go with…. To work through things.
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So; OCCUPATIONS; What I occupy my time with; is getting answered.
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SO; I must have help in the outside world…
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Im slowly making my way out of the 12 step groups; Some have become so volatile with being stalked and other problems; its not worth it anymore…
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Im just following God…
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On the way out; others arnt helping… Have I accomplished everything I need to in those meetings; ALMOST; Im working my way out of those meetings; so I have to trust God will make me present again to exit interview the place and learn to get my needs met at other places in the real world…
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I have to trust God…
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RELATIONSHIPS;
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This is the next level; Im talking about girlfriends. I can feel the low self esteem and low personal self worth and no coincidence coming out. That means I don’t have enough of anything for anyone.
Im sure this has to do with my mother and with my father and with adults and the idea of family systems and what they did to me….
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Whats next…
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So; I have to work on getting the help to heal that up more and feel safe again.
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Ive never found anyone to date ever; Nothing.. Maybe One person; once…
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I remember a girl when I was very young; meaning collage age; She was an introvert; very intelligent. Thats who I was really looking for. But my life circumstances wouldn't allow me to be anything then angry volatile and hardened so I never really fit in.
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So; here I am in the real world. And I have about as much confidence in finding the right person as I did before. NOTHING.
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Today working with God; I have to believe it first before I see it; And thats what Im working on.
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And this has much more to do with me then anyone else. Its about learning to grow and develop into the right kind of person.
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I understand I live in a volatile world these days… Who can I trust? I get it!
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However; Ill work with God on all of this and see who I attract.
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Ive been so scared of being thrown away from normal people that come from normal homes or what ever. I never came from a stable home. I never knew until it was 2 late; I led to the slaughter… I never knew thats what was happening from the beginning…
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So; I have to get over that; work through it and get over it… And move on if I can and come back to myself.
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Sexual abuse is a problem and the way I was completely thrown away in my adolescence and teen age years and young adult years… I was thrown away at age 9; and before that from the beginning; emotionally I had to go out into the community and look for others where I could get my needs met…
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In many cases that was a mistake. I ended up at the wrong peoples houses… and ended up with the reverse; people were using me all the time…
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I don’t want to be used by people.
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Ive been scared that the people I think should accept me; never care or need to or see me; nothing; They are well taken care of and don’t need someone like me around… Ill never be accepted as an equal; so what do I do; even tho Im an equal; but Im not an equal because of money situations and disabilities they may not understand… Im never accepted. What do I do… where do I go.
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And with this; Im working with God on this….. and its hard; very hard to face…
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I see allot of spoiled people in the world in ways Im not; and I cant be comparable with them because they are from that culture… On the other hand; Ive been horribly destroyed with a mix of being spoiled at that same time; and that has left me unable to respond and relate to many people or for them to relate or accept me; they see me as a loser or bum or spoiled… Who knows…
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I am at that point relationally that Im asking God for help to start meeting the right people out in the real world.
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From where Im at right now; Getting started is on paper; its not in the real world… I have to pre pave the situations and end up getting built up in the beginning so I want what I want… and Im nto a victim about it; no one owes me anything.
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I cant say it any better then that;
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I have to pre pave the situations and end up getting built up in the beginning so I want what I want… and Im nto a victim about it; no one owes me anything.
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The women I feel safe with and the women I have values with or the same values; are people that also appear extremely spoiled to me; and never accept me! They always think they are 2 good for me; and that leaves me at a confusing lose.
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So; Ill take this to God… and work with God on this; What is my role in it; how do I take care of whats on my side of the street. And Who or what is going wanting me to connect with…
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Ill have to work with God at a ground level to start this thing all over again in life; Amen. I have to become willing…
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As I mentioned; Im making my way out of the 12 step groups back into life again; into the outside world… And thats where my relationships and purpose will come from; Thats where Ill see it.
Our partner
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