June 2025
May 2025
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Awareness of a new chapter is appearing...
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The Phase Series has 2 point;
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1. To create my music and play it live
2. Girlfriend.
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Creating music at minimal levels is returning... Its still work; However; Im able to do things again.
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Haven't Performed anything yet: I have created a few small written pieces to play live; they are small; some; hand clap pieces; taking very small amount of time to perform; However; very effective for the purpose of performance practice...
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GIRLFRIEND;
In order to have a girlfriend; My past has to be understood. I would have to work through various problems with past associations with women Ive known; look at the tragedy and scale of failure. Ill look at the dysfunctions.
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NOTE; First Love blocks new girlfriends; my history. However; the only way to emotionally get past First Love is to have my first authentic feeling emotional based Girlfriend…
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Ill look at the most important relationship of my past; First Love; Work with God on why this ended in such a tragedy. The goal is to break it down; learn from it; de powering it... And thus breaking it into pieces; understanding what happened; and finally moving on...
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I believe Im at the near end of the problems occuring in that association with my First Love. She was my First Love; I was not hers!
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Problems with First Love;
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At this point; the main concerns with First Love; have to do with Never telling her the truth and Not being able to tell her who I really am or the truth of my background. Also; to stand my ground after telling her regardless of my background; Telling her; she is worth the fight... I like her even tho I dont have the market value level to be with her... Meaning she has much more options at a much higher degree of value in the market place then I did. I was a 3 in the market place; She was a 9. I still want to tell her regardless; Tell her I like her. With all my laminations I want her to know I like her and I like being with her. And present her with the option if she wants to continue to associate with me or build a friendship relationship with me; meaning girlfriend and beyond... Romantic relationship.
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I need to come up with the words to describe how this all feels if I told someone this( What I would have told First love). It means Im bold and courageous. In fact Ive never been bold and courageous in this area before; Nothing... This is way out on a limb for me. It would suggest I tell my inner secrets and let someone decide if they want something to do with me... That is over the top for me. To stand in front of someone or sit in front of someone; confess who Im not; and just sit their with them and let them decide if they would still like to inquire on how to build a relationship with me because Im interested in them.
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Having no value in the Relationship/Sexual market place......
Its like telling a rich women I have no money but Im interested in her and I like her anyway; I like her enough to tell her the truth; and still stand my ground. Tell her; She is worth the fight... Knowing my chances of hooking up with her are zero! But I want to do it because that is how I feel.
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So; I have allot of things I did not tell her. I realize I could not tell her something. Meaning; my voice was paralyzed; it was just stuck; Sexual abuse has allot to do with my voice being stuck; this and being thrown away when young; not developed when young.
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I never told this girl who I was or what I wanted from her... I was to chicken; I thought; How can I demand something of someone so different then myself. My background was so awful... How could I just burden this person with all this awfulness and then expect anything from them; that seemed ridiculous; But what I needed was courage; I needed to tell the girl the truth and maybe; maybe a shot that she might still want to hang around me. I seriously could never see myself doing this; I could not see why or how this could ever happen with any positive outcome. She was around me partly because I lied about whom I am; I told her I was better then I am in the marketplace; If I told her the truth; their would be 100% chance she immediately would dump the idea of a friendship and ask me to leave; I realized; I couldn't take that; so I kept my mouth shut and lied about who I am. If I came clean about who I am all things would have halted and no relationship would occur; I would lose her immediately. I would lose her because I was never invited to her house in the first place as a loser of low quality market value. Maybe as a higher level market value person; I might have a chance; so I lied. I made sure to lie to make myself look more upscale... However; at some point all of that fell through... I was defrauding or faking. Within a month my immaturity of a low level market value loser shown through.
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IN THE PRESENT:
The whole point of researching First Love in the present was to uncover the dysfunctions in my behavior dealing in relationships; Because the same dysfunctions causing that possible relationship that collapts are alive and present; Nothing has been worked on concerning exactly what caused my separation from his person until a few years ago...
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The Reality of First Love;
Seriously; 100% chance nothing would have come of my meetings with this girl I call my First Love...With new information; I believe this girl was a stranger playing me; and thats all it was; She had no feelings; no interest; no attraction; she wanted me gone the first second she met me. I meant nothing to her... She didnt care if she ever met me or saw me again. To her I was nothing.
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However; My immaturity and inability to communicate during that time period with her; regardless of the outcome of dealing with her; My dysfunctional behavior at that time; This is what concerns me... My dysfunctional behavior with this person greatly concerns me; Im still dysfunctional. Nothing has changed in the present.
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NOTE; Present Goal with FIRST LOVE: Keep writing dialogs with myself as one person and Her as the other. Im heading toward a place to discuss why I feel in love with her; how she created the scenery for it with her behavior; How I fell for her false behavior completely; on many complex fronts; because she created many complex fruad fronts; best friendship; first love; soulmate. Comrade; Many others… sexual; altho I never went through with any of that… She also tried to created real(Fake)real relationships.. I imagine I would have been pulled in as a boyfriend and then when I thought we were headed toward marriage material later; long before this; suddenly discarded and destroyed. Thats why I didn’t go for it. And I was 2 mentally ill. I was also looking for a helper; Thus she kind of played the ( Im the girl in the Bible Role you wanted as that young doe eyed future submissive wife Proverbs talks about) ( The Book of Ecclesiates talks about); Of course it was fake… or faked.. Faked to see how far she could go faking someone out that did not have a clue… sickening.! This behavior of hers; this opened arm behavior is what manipulated me or brought me into her fold or grooming process to be slaughtered… I was innocent and did not have a clue I was dealing with anything other then a nice decent person; I had no idea what kind of monster; criminal based sociopath I was dealing with. Its my job to keep working on this until I stop putting forth any feelings of love toward her. Meaning; My whole system has to stop. Thats what I will be working on now; more of a sobriety concerning this… TO come back to normal person with no feelings toward this person; thats my goal. It is happening; Im at this stage now; where she created a faked love stage that brought me into triggering all my love feelings I would have for someone…
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Im now working with God; looking into this dysfunctional behavior Ive been working on uncovering this dysfunctional behavior for some time.
The results suggest Im afraid to tell someone who I am; Im afraid of telling someone who I am not. Im afraid to stand up to someone and tell them who and where I am right now and let them know regardless that maybe I dont have the status to know them; maybe Im not of their level of Market value; That Im offering them the ability to know me if they want to because I want to take the chance to know them because I like them and find them interesting... Im aware I will probably be ghosted... Im trying to learn that getting ghosted something I can learn to work through... I have God and support groups. And it may be this way for a long while until I can learn who it is Im looking for out in the market world.
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When talking to potential people;
God wants me to learn; Tell them the the truth... And then tell them what I want. Let them know how I feel about them. And wait.. but hold my ground. Let them decide if they are attracted to me or not. If they want to continue with me after I tell them my real story and feelings; fair enough; if I never hear from them again; fair enough; but I have to tell them the truth and let them decide.
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Ive always felt it wasnt fair; my background... I never had a chance to change it.. SO; I would not look like a very good prospect for many people to have a relationship with. However; its my job to stand my ground and allow them to decide for themselves. I let them know; the fight for them is worth it... they are worth keeping regardless of my background. When standing my ground with others; At that moment; I can be slapped down; hard... Thats the lonely part I dont want to go through but I have to trust God and learn to tell the truth... thats the unfair hardest part because Im not in control and I dont know the outcome. And thats just rips me up inside... I want control to stay safe and feel powerful; and at that moment I let go... Im not in control... They are free to abandon and reject me fully... and I hate it... and I hate they have that kind of control over me. But they do.
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Reality dictates they do have that kind of control. And reality is what Im seeking; Im seeking to live in reality... And that scares me more then anything concerning relationships.
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So I basically have these old relationship and old dysfunction; and if Im going to live in the present; these old ways of doing things will not work anymore... All of it has to be dumped and a whole new program of living in-planted in its place.
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PRACTICE:
So; Im gather the problems from the past; defining them and willing to learn how to implement new behaviors in its place. These new behaviors must be practiced; and man O man it takes courage I havent got and never had; scares me to death; especially telling someone the truth about who I am. For example;
A nice women Im dealing with and might be interested in; Suddenly I have to tell her. " I HAVE NO MONEY". " I HAVE NO CAR" " I HAVE NO JOB" " IVE NEVER HAD A CAREER". " I FLUNKED OUT OF SCHOOLS MY WHOLE LIFE"; ANd other problems. But they need to know. They need to know what their getting into... Or; I need to find out I never had a chance with them in the first place.
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I NEVER HAD A CHANCE WITH THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE:
THis is also something that scares me to death to hear. However; living in reality; I must gather my wits about me; have support; and ask away... And find out the truth...
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Ive been so damn scared to loose everything or anyone or anything or something that might be there; just maybe; just really needy and insecure in that area of losing people.. I went through to much when young. Lost everyone; I was set up. I dont want to go through that; its horrible; its like a repeating death sentence... All the triggering of the past of rejection and betrayed and thrown away ... My nervous system is already under stress from that..
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However; I have to work with God and start somewhere; and understand im dealing with the real world. And there it is; its painful and almost unbearable; but I think I can do this i think; its still way over the top.
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COMMITMENT; the state or quality of being dedicated to a cause, activity, etc.
"the company's commitment to quality" From the internet.
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I would like to become a committed dedicated person again; Dedicated in reasonable responsibilities; such as owning a car; wearing acceptable nice middle class clothing..
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Exercise;
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Music creation
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Art Creation
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Relationship...
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Money;
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Vacations;
The idea of commitment is dedication. I would like to for-go my reactions to addictive and bad things in the world; and instead; to stay safe in the world and take some chances; make decisions on what I want and go after them...
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NOTE: Id like to internally become the person at that frequency level of this newer-human-model -example of what I want to materialize; manifest…
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Building the castle; I must cross the mote first; life is a castle to be built!~
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Ive had to stay safe; and could never go beyond that... Now; I would like to battle through those gaps filled with mote water; put bridges over those motes and learn to get to the other side. Learn to strengthen this walk; this pathway from Here to over there! From where im standing to my castle foundation where all my dreams of building await me… I cant get there from here; so what do I do? And that is what all this talk of pathways is about; God pathways and success based thinking process; such as; Think and Grow Rich; Napoleon Hill; The book. Ive used and still use online laws of attraction coaches… several of them; I love the stuff; its my Hobby; One of my Hobbies… And its part of my success system for everyday living; With God Universe Sunny Jesus at the helm; the front of the boat… The lead; The bow; The captains table; The Captains chair on the star ship enterprise.
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Dissociation is a problem; I dissociate in the middle of my walk across the bridge to my success; I would like to learn how to stay present and practice it.
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Also; I would like to slowly move away from the crude-based 12 step groups and back to regular therapy where its private and safe.
NOTE: As my sanity returns; so does my desire to be around normal successful interesting people… Out in the real world.
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BELLY FAT/DieT
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Right now; Im back to this point of losing weight. No gaps; Im there. However; that means not much; I mean; I have to learn to do the work and I have to have a new greater mindset about it; better attitude about it. And I have to learn; I dont get something for nothing. Ive got at least 60-70 pounds maybe of gut fat... Im old; senior-citizen like and Ive got a bunch of Belly fat from being in monk mode as I work on my recovery process... or have been working on my recovery process.
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So; Dedication is of the day. Re learning how to be dedicated to losing weight and exercise.
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Im looking at 6 month for the kind of beginning changes Im interested in.
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As for diet; Im talking about 1 apple a day; some carrots; Apple cider vinier... lots of hot tea... And coffee from the groups.
I have to get the sleep apnea machine out and use it so I can get sleep...
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PLASTIC MODEL KITS/VIDEO GAMES: These are my Hobbies... Just keep working with them... They are good for pre work development.
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Started real exercise for weight loss a few days ago; Here we go… Things will be different this time. My food level will be different this time…
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WORK DEVELOPMENT; I dont have a work development for anything; Never did; ( to much mental illness)( my mind was not mine)( I was in extreme horrible pain from mental conditions)( extreme fear and horror). I want to go after; including women; The arts; creating arts; money; hobbies; nothing! ITs not developed. Ive been mentally ill and not home... ( I need that part of my mind back)( my soul; my brain).
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12 Step meetings; Keeping way from drugs n alcohol. Am I a hardened full Alcoholic drunk Stoned prisoning hopping drug addict; NO! But it was bad enough in combination with trauma based mental problems to cause serious concerns for my future life span and not only quality of life; but whether Im part of society or getting drunk everyday on some big city streets.
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I never Did turn into a complete alcoholic or drug addict( I got somewhere; strangely close; But then I never Didnt turn into one. it got close a few times; fair enough; ( it all felt medicinal until I started getting hooked on it) enough that this could have turned into a much bigger problem for itself. The Books suggest Im a Junior potential problem user! And I have to admit; thats exactly where I was heading; I had experienced the more telling horrors of consistent drug use while in high school; fueled by loneliness and mental illness; the problem is; I would have never stopped; not while seeking relief for mental problems; same with alcohol; i could not live in reality; it was 2 much for me; and thus in my middle 20’s alcohol became my friend. However; all of this died away fairly quickly when they became problems.
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Drugs died away at the end of High school( I hurt my brain on drugs during high school). Alcohol will die away when I end up in the nut house at the end of my 20's/; A little while later I will start my first 12 step meeting... Somewhere early 30’s. It will take a few years for the recovery process become steady… I will go through horrible grueling lonely years of increased mental illness to the point of; the equivalent of joining the schizophrenic crowd.
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Ive never had an adult life outside those meetings. Ive hidden in them half my life; Ive done what my higher power wanted me to do; And its basically saved my life... In the first part of recovery life; It was shrinks and meds and therapists and psychologists and disability.
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Now; Im starting to branch out for the first time... Im learning to want to. And learning how to prepare and deal with the reality of it.
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IN THE BEGINNING OF IT;
So Im in the very beginning of this major giant shift that is going on.. I know this; A giant small lake size area of tenderness and damage has created a gap between where I want to go and where Im at; I cant get their from here; its like trying to walk across hot lava on a Vulcan Volcano...
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I am getting free.
However; what i need is the ability to have commitment to things; responsibility to things and a strengthening deepening work ethic aesthetic to things of interest; because today Im working for and working at the things I want under God and Ill have it no other way. However; Those work ethic pathways are riddled with dissociation and blind spots; In addition; relationship developments are riddled with the unknown and possible humiliations I must prepare support for... Anyway; I give a damn today and thus; want to go out and learn to live my life again...
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( Im 50% 50 within the scope of mental awareness and strength; Im still dissociated all the time in some form; Im better tho but dull numb; a part of my brain). Im just waking up to the fact I live in the city I live in. Ive never been a part of it before.. My mind has been dissociated and within itself. I now chose to pray and move forward with my life outside; what ever that can mean; what ever I can handle within my imagination first.
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CHILDHOOD:
Take away the codependency; the codependency I had on fake friends who had the privilege at there homes to be developing; However; I end up spending much time with them but learning and developing nothing because I have no home; And I end up literally an alone child; an only child... I mean alone. Looking back Im shocked how alone I was... No one there... minimal... And then in 5th grade they took my home and abandon us completely. No warning; no remorse no conscious; no one cared; ( totally ghostly and immoral)Lost my will to live; lost my identity and lost my ability to ever be present again; And that was just the beginning of that horror show...
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Here I am now; learning how; (under my higher powers care); learning for the first time how to live my life.
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AGE 14; I did try at age 14 to live my life. I became popular in school for a little while; and met this girl up the street; My First Love. But nothing will come of any of this; It will not take long for all of this to crumble into a worse nightmare... For I had no support.
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I did not understand girls.. I thought I was making friends with a decent nice person; She instead of developing into a high valued women Tht was only interested in wealthy men from Ivy league colleges.
(My goal with her was to develop a friendship between us with God as the base; teacher her how to pray for what she wanted and how to find and work with God and pray for us and me… ); Soon I realized; this meant nothing to her.. In fact; anything moral or human meant nothing to her…
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She probably had 15 more year of experience with living then I did; even tho we were the same age. Its my belief; I meant nothing to her... TO her I was a stranger; through my innocence I did not understand what was going on. I was being played like a fool. Faked out... thats all it was. unfortunately; I will learn To-late what had happened. I will have fallen in love with her; thinking she is my future and best friend. In reality; she was never even a friend... Heart Broken; I will never see her again...
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So; God pulled me back into protective spaces where I could chose to fight for my life or let it go. I chose to fight and now; I have at least some chance of developing a life again; Its already happening.
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The 2 areas of interest at this point; to be mature enough to own a car or put out the time to understand transportation to the places I want to go; and the strait responsibility for it. And the responsibilities of a relationship; The realities... Under Gods care.
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Bicycling; So its began…
Diet; So its began…
Ive got a good 6 months worth of belly fat..
The goal is to keep going exercising at basic levels 3 times a week; watch my shoulders; they are full of tendentious; However; I think I can do this. Im ancient so I don’t have to worry about how much I life or bench press; Those days are way long gone dayzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….. And those were the days I ripped my shoulders to pieces… Today; Im looking forward to getting into a much more calm slowed down lifting situation of much less weight and more precise lifting; a style where Im aware sober and conscious.
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Creating Art; Let it develop.
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