July 2025
June 2025
Let me say first; Im getting better; What does that mean; I means; Im really getting better! Ya know! Like the kind everyone wishes for... Im actually getting better; I mean; really better. Im like more better; much more present ( relevant to my mental breakdowns) ; not focused on past trauma nearly as much.. A part of me is more like when I was a kid. Im actually better... more then that... So; its all working; God is making it work.... Or; Im getting different... It almost feels like Im waking up as an authentic teenager period in my life; emotionally speaking( this is good to process those feelings). This means where I used to be trapped because of abuse; part of that self is arising becoming stronger.. and thus more looking like an actual period in ones life. Like teenage life I missed... Im experiencing a more realistic safer teenage experience; where Im more safe and real and can actually experience it.. This is different; it is good... We will see where this goes?
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With That; Phase 3....
Phase three is; To continue to work through the association relationship with my first love until its been investigated to a point that everything is unraveled and looked at. With all information out in front of me; I can sift through the evidence and look for the crime material. Once exposed; The universe will help me come out of denial concerning this person. The problem Im having with this relationship is or was denial ( and the pain of letting go). I seem to have put her into a slot or a position where she can do no wrong; kind of like an Angel; and Angel of death. Im assuming Im doing this because of trauma that occured years before I met her; trauma of abandonment I could not deal with when young. I carried this trauma mental illness problems into my later young life. Seeking help; I ended up at her house; actually a strange place to seek mental health... I did not receive the help I was hoping for.
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NOTE; A purpose; At the time I knew her; A purpose in life; to help this girl even tho she appeared lost and broken; that was my purpose. In reality; she was not broken lonely and and lost; she was a sociopath with no problems... And thus; my purpose died; and I was never able to accept that. And I felt that if I left her I was betraying my love for her. In reality; I was living in a fantasy; Maybe I had the right innocent idea with the right person; but this was not the right person; this was a monster; and thats where the denial is; if I accept this person as a monster; all bets are off; I have to stop with the fantasy... Ill get their... God will slowly wake me up.
It seems my identity of worth was associated with her. " Look at me! Look who likes me; Im popular; somebody; Ive made it; Im going to easy street; Im a success!" And then suddenly it all came crashing down; I hadnt had relational success; I had just found a monster that destroys people; that no one else wanted or would ever get near. I was fooled. I was preyed upon... I was laughed at... even by her for falling for it... and her sick family.
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I just could not bare the idea of turning around and going home defeated... That was 2 much for me; but thats exactly what I have to learn to do in my mind; and Ill work with God on it... learn to get myself back and own myself again... and learn to live life without this persons memories; thats the goal.
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I could not handle the rejection; so I turned the situation into a false relationship. I was not receiving the help I needed and I was at the end of my rope. I felt defeated... It was one more promising relationship that ended in a dead end. I was rejected once again...
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The horrific or strang problem with this relationship was; she was a sociopath; So; non of her counts... non of it counts.
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The goal is to work through the beginning memories of this person... when I was first met this person when I was around this person. Ive got false memories from around this person when I first met her; I tried to create her into a nice person when she was not... I needed to see the person for what they were right from the start and after inventorying those moments; assess them and move on; Thats where Im having a problem; I might lose her! If I find she was a bad person from the start; I lose the limerence fantasy I built around her for so long.
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I basically took a sociopath and created a false image of her in my mind and created a nice person in her place; a relationship around her and around it; when in reality; there was no nice person; in fact the real person was more criminal based and dangerous... This was no ones friends. This was a brutal level opportunist who would set anyone up; fool them; con them; and if they didn't get what they wanted; jump ship leaving the other person in the dark until the ship sank... This is no one to play games with or get involved with...
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When I make the statement; " No one to get involved with"; as I mentioned in the previous paragraph; thats where Im having trouble with this; denial. As I re read this blog; Im not sure I remember what this reference triggered... or what it means in the real world. Anyway...
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Denial;
It seems; holding on to this fake image of a relationship with this girl made me feel whole. It made me feel like I had a girlfriend and we were just having problems; when in reality; their was no girlfriend.. It never made it; it never made it that far; it fizzled out before that. It fizzled out because her behavior was sociopathic... it began to show up right from the beginning... Little things; red flags; 99% of it was hidden... .
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NOTE: As I come back to this blog and read this; I would say Ive been in psychosis most of my life where my feelings are buried because I can no longer handle or sustain reality.. Im a very sensitive introvert and not much of me was able to be present; I was extremely mentally ill and psychotic... that is closer to the answer... The girl up the street; My first love; may be nothing more then a simple young teenage first experience with a girl that lasted all of a week and then I ran home and buried my feelings... In reality I would have processed it out very quickly if I had been normal; but I had been crushed and already mentally ill; and so in a sense; It would never be processed out ever...
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I wanted it so bad; this relationship and this relationship to work... I wanted a real friend so badly; and she seemed just like me; But alas; in the end she wasnt anything like me. She was a snake looking to devour its prey; nothing more...
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NOTE: coming back at a latter date and reading this blog right now; I would say she was nothing but a teenage girl and this was a normal teenage first experience with a teenage girl and nothing more. Why would someone think it would be successful... Im shocked it lasted more then a day... I have this feeling when all of this is processed out; it will be nothing more then a memory of a teenage first experience. I think if I had been normal; I would never be writing about this now. Im writing more about what it was like being mentally ill with no hope or help and all alone at that time. Im writing more about psychosis... Something God is just now allowing me to slowly wake up from maybe. We will see..
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If I had stayed a weakling; I might have dated her and never questioned what I was seeing and feeling; in a negative sense.
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I fell for her; but why? If she was a sociopath and even one faking being a human being who wanted a relationship; why would I fall for her.
I fell for her because she completely faked a relationship interest; all of it; break down the beginning attraction equation of 2 people meeting each other; the whole ritual; the courting ritual; she played it; all of it and it was all contrived and fake. And I fell for it 100%; I had no idea I was being faked out.
I thought I had a best friend and a soulmate.. I thought she was my friend; she seemed like a perfect match.
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NOTE: As I re read this; I sound like a teenager meeting a girl for the first at an intimate level for the first time. I do not think this has anymore importance than that. When my feelings get better I will not care about this tiny incident of meeting this girl when I was 14. It will be one more buried memory along with 100000000000 others from my life... that came and went within a week... I will feel so good to move on.
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She seemed like a lost maiden and I was a Knight to rescue her; but it was more like to care for her and care about her and take care of her; She played this role 100%; and she faked the whole thing. I had no reference; I had absolutely no idea this was going on.
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In the end; I feel in love with her; and assumed Id found my future wife; and certainly my future... In the end to my horror; and completely shock; Stunned; I realized slowly I was being played by a sociopath; a sadistic sociopath. Later I will realize she was just like the rest of the members of her family; they were all pathological liars that set people up in the community to steal or fraud them; It never occured to me she was just like her family... I thought I was suppose to save her from her family.
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Anyway;
The remaining goal is
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1. To work through the first moments I met this person; to really look at the information I remember and thus decipher through all of it look for moments I can plainly see she is faking it; she is lying or setting me up. THe reason for this; I have to convince the child brain in me or the other half of me or me! Or what ever part of me that is in denial; I have to work on finding the evidence that she was just faking me out; more more; even from the beginning. ITs hard; it hurts; its heartbreaking and disgusting but it has to be done. Ifs sickening work; but it must be done...
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I have to see this person for the monster they really were; thus to a point I wont want to ever go up around her ever again when Im young; I wake up and realize I was going to the house of a monster and get out of there.
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Im still snagged and in denial. However; I believe Ill slowly get better if I work at it. So; this is getting better but its on going.
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BEST FRIEND WHEN YOUNG:
I had a best friend when young; similar to this girl; long before this girl; it was a guy I met in grade school when very very young. Its a very similar case ( Ive talked about in these blogs a million times). I thought we were friends; he turns out to not be my friend; he was faking it... he thought he was better then me. I never knew! it tooks years before I realized what was going on.
However; in his case; I was able to leave and not go back with no regrets; I was not in denial about that person anymore and I successfully got rid of him out of my life for good... Hurrey! Scumbags...
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So; the girl from my past is the same; accept Im snagged; Part of the truth of this and the loss is just to much for me; for my ego... I really thought I had something goin on here; I thought I had won the lottery... it was 2 good to be true. Unfortunately; it was 2 good to be true; I Was just being set up; and Ive had a hard time letting go of it; but Im getting better. With Gods help Im slowly learning how to let go of this and replace it with being under Gods realm. It may slowly take the rest of my life; and thats OKE; In its place Ill replace all that was a new life building; but first I must sifen through more information and get a little closer to the end of this crime tale... It got overwhelming for me; the ego loss of this... it was like winning the lottery and the getting thrown back on the streets; to much for my self worth and ego loss... Ill get there.
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NOTE: As i come back to this blog and write more; Ive all ready grown more today concerning this subject of this girl up the street. SO; here is some more advanced information.. She was never really into me and she never found me interesting and she never liked me. She was forced to put up with me a because i kept calling.. She wasnt my type... or I hers.. I was a boy who lived down the street.. What does that mean; it means nothing in relevance if one is supposed to like me or not; they are not supposed to like me... meaning; they can like me or not like me. This was a bad move on my part; this was absolutely the wrong type of person and the wrong person to ever associate with... This was a stupid move on my part; a dangerous move for my mental health... I could not see it before because I was in psychosis from mental illness... I was completely shut down. I needed a hospital...
I am beginning to lose my interest in this person as I grow up now. Im growing up or growing because the hidden teenage feelings have been coming out lately and Im experiencing those feelings without the threat of abuse or survival mode... and Im starting to grow through some of these problems; including meeting the wrong kinds of people when young. Im startled right now as I am feeling my teenage feelings again...
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So its a quiet continuation of separating from this codependency nightmare of long ago. ITs all good ...
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PHRASE 3; ITs real purpose
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So; the real purpose of phase 3 would indicate the stage of starting over; the real stage of starting over.
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Ive been working on a personal project; self help project for my own development in order to get my feelings back inline and myself back in line for relationships and activities; Ive been working on it for 6 years. Ive been in the recovery process from much longer... However, 6 years ago I came to the end of myself concerning present relationship ability... I could not feel anything for others to be in a relationship. Well; i could but my dissociative disorder; I couldn't.
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That 6 year experience is now ending; the 6 years has finally past; Ive made it through the other side of my goal of 6 years; Now what?
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Now; the goal is to create new goals working with the laws of attraction; Im starting over with relationships and activities.
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Disabled mentally; learning to interact with others; its all rehab; its all good.. basic tho; but good.
IT starts with interactions with others; it starts with meeting new people and how I interact with them and dance with them and maneuver with them and associate with them. How am I acting; am I able to feel normal or free... interactive... Yes; signs are showing up that Im responding correctly basically; its much better then before... it shows Im present starting over. Im meeting new friends; able to get rides from friends; show up; text; call; what ever and interact and thats where it starts.
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THe reality of this is another corner above my own. We will see if my ruptured personality and nervous system can actually bring another person into my life... We will see. Ive been in a kind of permanent psychosis at different stages for most of my life. My dissociated state can claim many things; However; the reality of something is much different.
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Relationships means; girlfriends; This will be the next area of interest.
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NOTE: We will see.. I may just practice with people and see what happens. Being myself; my real self; Im a broken withdrawn person who has been psychotic based for a very long time and dissociated from reality... do I really expect to get into relationships with people; Ill pray about it... I dont know what to think. I will work with God on the subject and see what experiences I get to practice and grow at.
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I have lots of women I can talk to these days; concerning relationship help.... so... Ill pray and work with God on this as I move outward toward new people. One main area Im trying to get over; get over my first love so its not affecting my ability to have new relationships... I must work with God and over come this... I dissociate when I think of new relationships because it takes away from that feeling of being married to the past; married to that First Love story! And the problem with this is; its not real.. its just a story. And if this doesnt stop; Ill never end up in any meaningful relationships ever again; So Im working with the universe to want to STOP! And I believe its happening. Ill just keep working at this...
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NOTE: Im coming back and reading this right now from yesterday. I think I may just be able to get over my first love; I think my first love was actually a very first attempt at meeting a teenage girl at a personal level when I was a teenage boy.. It lasted all of about a week and that was all.. I dont think the girl knew anymore then I did and I dont think who she was even matters as I look back on it now. It think when writing; Im writing from a lost alone broken teenage boys point of view as he talks about his interpretations of that week with that girl. As I pass through this and my emotions grow right now. I believe as I report more about my feelings of that time period she will have been completely forgotten at some point.. That experience will represent no more of a memory then one day playing in snow when 7 years old. I wont even remember any of it; that it happened.
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MONEY
MUSIC
ART
AUTO...
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Lots of different goals Im interest in exploring...
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Music creation is the other development Im working on; it takes shear work and I have allot of anger surrounding this..
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NOTE: new information; new day; next day...
So; I might be able to work at somethings.. I dont know. I can talk all I want; talking and expressing is good. However, making things work in reality. Im hardly in reality; so; we will see. I can honestly say Im better then before( thats a personal realm inside myself relative to myself talking about distances within myself measured against myself; it has no real significance to the reader); is this enough to do something real in the universe; I dont know; but Im getting a larger picture of things showing up in my soul. Maybe if I feel safe enough I will attempt something in reality; what ever that means to me; if I can handle it.
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My condition is worse then I describe and better then I describe. I can talk all I want but you wont ever see anyone around me for 40 years... Ill be completely alone. Ill talk like Im not; or Ill talk like Ill have a date just around the corner; give me a few days to get better and Ill be ready for reality; but that day never happens; never comes... and for good reason; Im much more mentally ill then Im letting on. I put on a good face; or do I. But my ability to handle reality was completely shut down when young from massive long term abuse... Im just now starting to make little changes that I notice within the real world.. I have some authentic feelings waking up and experience life. THis is fantastic. However, for the general person is this really any big deal; probably not. THe point is; I have big great changes; they are huge for me but for the regular person listening; it means nothing; would not be any different then walking across the street and back.
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FIRST LOVE: As my authentic feelings come out and are able to breath and mature; my view of this situation continues to change. I believe I will grow out of her very quickly at some point as or when my feelings are strong enough and mature enough to process again. and its all ready happening. As my original teen feelings come out and are allowed to flourish and explore in safe ways in safe spaces; suddenly this experience with this girl when I was a teen; it all makes more sense and is figured out... I would not doubt that if I continue to allow my past teen feelings to feel and be free and express themselves at this point; They will mature past this situation and make no mind of it; forgetting about it moving on to new things... More n more it has absolutely no value; and this girl is suddenly moved onward from as just another teen experience of many during that time period.
I believe I was trapped in that time zone. The teen feelings were traumatized; I was survival mode; And thus reliving and replaying that time period over n over with no relief... How could there be relief. I was trapped dissociatively in that time zone... Now; with Gods help; some of those feelings have become free to explore and escape and express and Ive been able to collect data from what those feelings are feeling and saying and expressing... I am a sensitive person and thus those feelings were hurt and buried... So I stayed at that age as an emotional cripple. However, I stayed at many different ages as an emotional cripple and all at the the same time; a jagged broken merroir of pieces from different time periods... My whole life is a giant cracked merroir.
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So; Ill keep on with all of this and see where it all leads.
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I chose not to go to a meeting tonight. This is a very good sign. Im hoping more of this happens; it means I do not have to process my feelings as much about these subjects because Ive been gaining answers... That is what I was working toward...
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Im hoping I do become free from the past and Im able to function in activities again; to follow through in the real world; but who knows; we will see. My protective mode is a far distance from reality... However, I am getting better and I hope to feel safe enough to process more information from my past and maybe move on; grow mature out of allot of this stuff. Wouldnt that be nice!
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I can see sexual abuse and that time period and where I was living and day to day life at that time; of fear and humiliation and hatred and anger and no growth... no development; all stopped from terror. So I look at this as a major issue to get into and look at and maybe get help with to process out and look at; this will be a horrible thing to go into that day to day and try to process out my feelings; they are all trapped underneath all of that; no way to let the real me out during that time period.
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ACTIVITIES:
So; we are on to activities.... And this will be my next venture of interest an development.
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Ive talk allot about the First Love aspect. And worked through much. Now maybe its time to focus more on activities for this is the other subject of my interests to work through...
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Music creation is the key. Im just as broken with this as working with and talking about relationships with women when I was a teen. In fact; allot of my brokenness around music might go as far back as when I was born. I may have to start their and start writing about it and working through those years and take a look at it all of it. Ill pray about it.
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