July 2025
June 2025
Im “right-on-course” with my higher powers will concerning relationships...
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First goal is working through the past; and that ain't an easy thing.
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The first relationship to look at is always my First Love... That is the primary relationship to get over; Im working on this publicly now in meetings; have been for a while; it can be done because of the insights from the universe; and its working; The universe continues to unlock new things concerning working through the past and starting over. Everyday is something new; and yet; again today and yesterday many new updates...
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First, let me say; Ive got about 10% left of dealing with all the information clogging my system about and concerning my first love. However, that 10% is all broken area… like an area of broken bones; its not an easy area to work through; very tuff!
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Where shall I start;
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Friendship; We will start with this; It appears that friendship is what I was really looking for; authentic friendship... My inner being connecting with someone elses inner being; soulmate.
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I thought my first love was my soulmate. After a few weeks that was the first thing I recognized; The awareness or appearance of a soulmate. Was I correct? NO!
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And its very important that I tell you; on the outside; How she appeared and looked and acted; everything looked and appeared OKE; and later as soulmate signs and appearances... complete! Was she my soulmate? NO! She was a complete con artist faking it! All of it; every bit of it!
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She was a predator ( thats a new word the universe gave me today; another day of awareness). She was faking or acting out everything from the start; All a game; all contrived! probably a sociopath; pathological liar. They wanna fool me; groom me; pull me in. Once my defenses are down; they began to pull everything apart; play games with the position she contrived within my life; making me feel unsure if this was real or not… did she really like me or not; actually its classic Narcissistic signs. Narcissistic negative destructive behavior upon a victim; Once I was hooked or believing she and I would be together... I notice she really never confessed to it; She never said it. But they have a way of saying it but not saying it... Leading someone on; She began to pull things down around me after I was hooked in .
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NOTE: Today; another thought from the universe; she was with to much personality disorder to ever have a relationship or a friendship with someone; not a real one…
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I was hooked into her with my inner innocence from my inner child; my inner being; hooked to GOd and the universe... I opened this up to her thinking she was just like me. Thinking that she understood my pain and problems and probably wanted what I wanted; to be loved and cared for and have a friend or best friend. And she merrior’d this perfectly; with perfection. In fact; looking back; it was 2 smooth. IT was perfect; it gave the impression of the perfect best friend on all fronts. And because I was gullible and not understanding of what was going on; I was letting down more n more defenses and giving myself away to her... I thought she was innocent... It was like slowly being pulled out into the ocean more n more in order to be with her...
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However; she never came to me; I always went to her house... So; Once I was in to deep; believing I had a strong friendship developing with her; that she wanted one with me; and that I found myself having to depend on her; she began to sink the boat and watch me die on it... Because; that was her goal in the first place.
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She was an elitist sociopath I think; She was of the popular crowd. She was fine; she was set; her parents had money; she was a strait A student; she did not need me and she hung out with others like herself.. those who were stuck up with lots of money; families I mean. I felt safe in her house with her knowing her parents had money and a solid home. I felt like I had found a solid home. Little did I know I was hanging out with the enemy.
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She set me up to teach me a lesson; A lesson that she was superior and I was not in her league. IT worked... By the time my inner being was raped by her; and sent my way; I got the message; I was destroyed... She wasnt my friend. Nor did she ever want to be; nor was she interested in me. She was not attracted to me... She did not want to date me or even see me or ever meet me. It was all a game.. I meant nothing to her... I mean; I was a complete stranger.
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NOTE: When up close to me; she play the innocent intimate helpless girl broken… Like she wanted or needed to be loved by someone; someone special; just like me… And thus; I fell for it… She was using her female biology weaponized; to entrap someone so that she could destroy the inner child within them… rip it out by its lungs… and pull it apart; stomp it to death and kill it; but just remember; this is the form essence from God; This is my core that is connected by God from me to God; in a sense; this my soul… my inner spirit… but my inner spirit is protected by the Holy spirit of God and his Angels…
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On to the second half!
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I wanted a friend; someone I could relate with... my inner being to their inner being... thats all I wanted; thats what I was looking for... searching for I guess; within my imagination.
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The real goal was with my parents; They did not want me. So I had to strive to get any attention from them... But not really; I was kind of trained out of that. But it seemed I would seek out people like my parents that I could win over; if I could go off independently and find people like my parents and win them over; I would win on all counts in every direction... I would have new places to go or rest... I would have new friends and I would have won my ability back to make relationships...
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PROBLEMS>
I tried to find people like my parents; in people my own age at the time and thought I had; I was wrong; no one liked me. Those I thought were the closest friend; were never my friends. They thought they were superior to me; thought I was white trash and were playing me or lying to me most of the time. It was fun for them to watch me suffer or fumble; they thought it a game....
They were never on my side nor did they need to be; nor did they need me to be their friend...
They thought I was a low life and a nothing!
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How did I meet these people; I meet these people in odd ways. The problem was; I was meeting people to become dependent on them; its almost a sickness of codependency!
it seems that most of these people never liked me and never wanted me around and finally; they got tired of me...
In some cases like my First Love; I was simply being played by an actress.. It was a game to her to lure idiots like me into her realm and; get their trust... and then destory them on the spot by leading them on with what appeared promises of a relationship; waiting until I was fully in love with them thinking they were my soulmate and my best friend; Then suddenly pulling the rug out from underneath me and vanishing... Back to their popular set of people from the swim and tennis clubs they would go! Suddenly She didn't want to hang out anymore; suddenly I was out... she moved on... Right when I was in need and hooked on her or to her! and I was left high and dry... After being pulled in way to deep; to a point of dependence... But more then dependence... I thought our souls connected; so I opened up that connection; And with predators like this; That is what they are silently waiting for; they are waiting for that inner innocence to come out; so they can trample it under their feet; turn and tear me into pieces. And thats exactly what happened. I simply was caught off guard. I had no idea I was being played. I noticed something was murky and strange after awhile. She played the role of the broken lost innocent girl who was sensitive that appeared to be lonely from her parents and needed to be loved and wanting to find that friend; that soulmate! And she played every little move and eye brow lash to innocently running away to being chased and sitting with me; I felt like I was with someone I could sit with for ever and ever and just sit with them and talk and talk and talk. She faked the whole thing. Everything was contrived and faked from the beginning. Their was no soulmate here; their was no friend here; their was no best friend here; There was nothing; their was a rapist predator… Someone wanting the thrill and power of rupturing someones personality and nervous system…. For a monster or vampire like; she had a perfect victim in me…
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Was I the first! I doubt it; she was to practiced at this; she had done this many times before and I would not be the last.
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Because I was a broken person and know one knew me. She could play me then set me up; pull the rug on me; leave; turn and claim she never knew me; and this never happened…. She was a pathological liar I think… all of these above… She was friends with no one; No one like me…
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Next section.
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What am I finding out about myself!
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First; Im opening up at meetings all the time about this one thing… This person. And I did not have that kind of freedom when I was young.
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I didn’t realize; I was never really making friends; I thought I was; I was creating co dependency with people I wanted or desperately needed to complete me and to have some place safe for me to go; and some place new; some way of completion; moving on from the original horror family system I came from; No family system.
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I realized I was controlled by my mother a psychopath and that psychopath was braking me every-time I wanted to become independent; I was like an owned object that she owned and did not give permission to extend beyond her possession perimeter. I was more then owned; it was like the way Jeffery Dahmer destroyed his victims but kept them alive; He would destroy their brain but keep their body alive for his own use; I was being treated at the same level as Dahmer’s victems… I was being treated less then an animal in how I was viewed by these sycophants. It was more then horrible; no child or teen should ever have to experience that… no one underage; its just unbelievable. And it also should me was never wanted by anyone ever.
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I wanted to escape my mothers house hold and build something new for myself; I was in a new city and branching out; and thats when I met the girl up the street; my first love.
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Did she love me; NO! Did she like me; NO! She had nothing but the most laughable base contempt for me… She saw me as inferior; way inferior to her and her friends and her way of life… And she was going to make me pay for stumbling within her realm… That I would ever even think of someone of her social caliber even associating with some white filth like me; she was going to make me pay for ever stepping a foot on the yard of her parents house. I was invited up by a few people one day; thats how I met her… From that point on she played me until she pulled the rug out on me…. She had no interest in me; nothing but contempt; it was a rich wealthy kids game; leading others on and pulling the rug out on them; a kind of sadistic narcissist or sociopath concept.
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I was no fool; I knew better; id already been hurt; Im not sure why I fell for it… maybe I was tired or saw that I was making headway by meeting new people; and thus; I could gain my independence and get away from my mother and her new husband… and there house… But unfortunately; somehow I had met more people just like my mother…
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Back to the original subject; What changes are occurring in my life.
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So; Ive gotten into this enough to know that I was looking for a friend; a best friend; a girl of my age at the time. A girl friend. Someone I connected with a best friend… So; that was the goal; a best friend …
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I was looking for a house; some place to go; some place else besides where I lived; anywhere…
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I was looking to escape..
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What Im learning each day; new things.
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1. I never made any friends in my life; instead I ended up at the door steps of these monster people that used me. I assume I was looking for someone like my parents. If I could over come them and make them my friends successfully; this would show that I could be loved by someone just like my parents and I could over come them and move on; I would have my own personal power back in my life or for the first time.
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I didn’t realize I did not know how to make friends.
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Today at a meeting while talking about this; several new ideas were presented to me from the Universe.
First; As for a friend; Im looking for someone just like me on the inside. I want to connect with someone just like me on the inside! However, I realized; Ive never done that before. Maybe I wanted to do that before; but never ended up with anyone but sociopath sadistic fakes who never liked me; had little to no respect for me; Thought I was white trash and were going to teach me a lesson for ever getting out of my white trash place in the first place… They thought I should stay in my inferior position and stay their…. That was my later view of things.
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I never realized; I understood that I didn’t feel good enough about myself to be around people who thought they were better then me; fair enough.
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However, today I realized; I don’t feel; good enough to be around someone completely equal with me.. in heart and soul; and that was really a new awareness…
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What was so important about today? I realized from Gods thoughts brought into me; That, I want some one who is equal with me on the insides… Thats what Im really looking for and was always looking for… But I ended up with these sadistic monsters who ripped me to pieces; predators.
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So; Ive got work with God on how to turn things around.
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The more I work on this girl from the past; My first love; it seems; each day God brings me more information; I believe at some point I will have found the truth of this situation; and thus; truth’d this First Love out of existence within my nervous system where shes been hiding since I met her! I will have found out all the things about her that suck that I didn’t want to face…( can I live with the idea is is actually gone; can I handle that in my present situation; I don’t know) And more n more truths about her; making her look like just a normal shallow girl that could come from any home; nothing special. And that she was not on my side nor could care less; and that she was using me; playing me; and she of no safe worth to me… and never was… She knew she was using me and would destroy me; It was almost out in the open; I mean; but it wasnt but it was heading to only one place; she would rip me off emotionally… psychologically…
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She was the wrong person to meet! And I have to keep working at this until the evidence clearly shows this over n over… This was someone out to destroy me and nothing else… A complete insanity to have ever met her; That is the goal; the logic. Because if she is worthless and I can prove it; how hard is that for me to walk away from.
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I did this with my best friend growing up. I proved I was a nice person but traumatized and I proved he was pathological and thought he was superior to me and just playing me… Because of the evidence; it was easy; working with my higher power; it was easy to get rid of him from my life for good and not look back.
I would like to do this with this girl I met when young; If I can de value her to a point of being no better then the fake worthless supposedly best friend I had. It will be of no consequence to forget I ever met here…
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Was she really my first love; NO! Everything is proving out; she was improvising everything; faking everything for me to take a fall; she was a stranger playing one more person; That all I was; another victim down the line; and Im sure I wasnt the last… She was a manipulater; nothing more.
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So; Atho I pray all the time about everything; Ill start praying about meeting someone new in my life that is really connected at the same level I am and that on the inside is just like me! In a positive sense! I will start with that; start moving forward into new realms; always praying first and working with God and then seeing what God shows up with.
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Just went to a meeting;
Stopped; went to a meeting; starting writing; universe opened up yet more stuff;
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In the meeting; I was writing; She is not my best friend.. As I try to come to grips with this… over n over over; talking to God about it; and talking to her; as if she is on paper in dialog;
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Outside by my bike; I realize; and in the meetings; The question; how am I going to live with out having at-least someone or something at a personal level; I have nothing; no one… Nothing!
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This person; This first love; once seeing I was in a weak desperate condition; this person left me… left me cold; left me behind; she knew that I was a sincere person in trouble; she split and left. She left someone when they were down and honest and open and with God… left them to die; in a sense.. abandon them. F_cking scumbag… But then; its my job to start seeing this person for who and what they really are or were. She was much worse then a F_cking Scum bag… And as I write this; ya know; Im wondering more n more how I could have ever spent any time around this person… I mean; seriously.
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IF they are or were really a scumbag; why didn’t I accept that or see that or want to see that from the start; Sounds like I was trauma bonded by allot of bad people up to that point and only related to people that would hurt me!
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Back to the subject. So; Im outside next to my bike leaving the meeting and I say to myself; “ Self; she is not your best friend” I didn’t say; “ She wasnt your best friend”; I was speaking (a few meanings) associated with not being my best friend; when I said that she wasnt my best friend. I was coming clean on reality. That was the first message; I was also suggesting that Ive been so alone that she was all I had; and for some aggressive self entitled reason I demanded that I felt like she was my best friend; in other words; I went up to her house and demanded she become or was my best friend; when young; thats kind of what I was doing; I was like aggressive assertive kind of; I was chasing after her kind of because she was my best friend or going to become my best friend… Right now; I can still feel it; she will be my best friend; I mean; its kind of like more demanding like! And I have to look at that; because this was a stranger and I was delusional; obsessive limerence… But still; I can feel it and see it clearly. I had a need and damn it; she is going to fill it; I went right over her boundaries; right over mine. Kind of like a innocent act of war. Im taking what I want. I want a best friend… Something; I can see the disfigurement of it…
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So; I realized; My God; she wasnt my best friend in real life yet; I never asked her to be. Or to be anything… So; innocently enough; she wasnt… innocently enough; She never actually; in reality claimed she wanted to be; I mean… Things never went that far; but more important then that; she never claimed she wanted to be. I mean……
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But more importantly then that; When I was speaking that she wasnt my best friend… Or I wasnt her best friend; It was in present tense; that means; Im not just speaking of the girl of the past; Im also speaking to the girl up in my head that is in my nervous system and in my soul and imagination that represents her; because Ive been living off that girl for 2/3rd of my life or more… And tonight it was like confronting that part of my mind that is holdiing me hastage with her name on it; and telling that part of my mind. “ MIND; Im not going up to you( this other fake representation of this girl; anymore for my relational nutriment; Im going outside the body for my nutriment”). I have not been freed from this to do so for a very long time. Im not suggesting I have any strength for this; I don’t; Because I have no family; Im all alone; I use the 12 step meetings for my own private purposes; for such things as Im writing about; to gain recovery from them; like the things I write about in these blogs.
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I thought tonight; if I could find an answer in life to replace this false best friendmunship this girl has supplied within my head all these years; I just might leave those meetings; I realized tonight; my real main reason for being there this un reality of not being able to face that she wasnt my best friend; and ive needed meetings to hide in because of it; its been to much for me.
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Certainly the answer is God; but I mean; I needed something with skin on it… I really don’t like talking that volgerleee; its not my style; but it does maketh a point. Im working with God on things..
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I am co dependent and needy; in fact; much more then that. And I cant wait until this “ I have to have had her as my best friend”; I cant wait for some of this to deflate so I can live normally again with myself; it seems I was forced because of abusers to share myself with others against my will so much I become part of others and they stole part of me; trespassing…
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So; I want to learn how to be my own best friend and learn how to go from their out into the world with others and forget about this girl who lived up the street… I mean; part of this is abnormality; its like a part of me is owned by her or is way out of balance or alignment. Its as if she a part of me has no boundaries and Im owned by others or demand they help be what I need them to be… So; ya know; ive got problems.
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So; Ill pray about all this… so Ill pray about all this!
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