June 2025
May 2025
Im at this point of understanding.
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This blogs and all others will be about my first love; getting through this; letting her go... And that means moving on into an independent life.
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Ill explain.
With first getting hit with trauma when young and then overloaded with violations from others; My mind left me and with it most access to any memories; amnesia; In this case; dissociative amnesia; This means; I remember my name; my mothers name fathers name city I was born in and such; but not really suppose to get into anything else... everything else was blocked. Think of a fire wall in windows. Sure; one knows what Windows is for the computer; but Im not allowed to go in there.. Antivirus software and firewall software; defender software; keeping everything out. And thats what its like to have amnesia... So; no way to deal with anything of the past; the only thing I could so was seek relief. Thats all its been.
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Now that Im a bit stronger; Im wanting to face some aspects of the past and move beyond them; move through them. The universe God has allowed me and show'n me that past and Id like to move beyond it; grieve whats left and move into my new life. And it might be possible.
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Im about 17% left of dealing with my first love. Meaning; thats how much dishonesty I have left concerning it; delusion; dissociation; fantasy from the truth.
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The universe has unfolded much truth to me about the past; About my first love. About how I was viewing her and acting and my behavior and who she appears to really be.
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This was not a very good person or a very nice person. And I was dealt with harshly. I did not expect that to happen. I was ripped out of my associated spot with her. I was murdered.. my soul was raped... murdered. THe child within me; my inner child; THis is the spirit part of me hooked to God; Murdered! Thus; God put me into another compartment deeper where this monster could not get at; and protected me... This girl was a monster and a murder'r and nothing more.
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Note; Its been a few hours since sitting at this blog to write it; I would say that when I first met this person; it was so subtle; the problems; they were almost so unassuming and quiet one could not see them or feel them or hear them... However, I did feel and see something; but what I thought I saw was a carbon copy of myself. I thought I was looking at my soulmate; except one thing; at a very subtle level; she seemed to have no concious.. something wasn't right... I mean; it was like walking into a clear area of numbness.... like a chemical one could not see but sense..
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Not wanting to remember this person;
And its my job to keep that view up until I believe so solidly and strongly that I have no reason to ever remember this person ever again.
THe only thing I remember about her is the lies I told myself about her. God has helped me; helped reveal details showing that this person faked it; faked everything; every look; every wink of the eye brow; every move; everything was choreographed as if she had rehearsed for a play. What was her reward; THe thrill of it. The thrill of leading someone to a cliff to have them suddenly stumble and fall that she could watch them fall in panic and insecurity to their death... And thus; she could cover up the murder and claim she had never known about it; laughing the whole way. And she led me on and did just that; Why? because she was evil; a murderer; and nothing more. And Im slowly dealing with this and accepting this. However, what I need to respect about this story is; I needed to run; run the other direction as fast as possible.!
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Am I the first person she had done this with; Set up to destory; I doubt it; I assume she had been doing this all her life? Probably not; and Im sure; Im not the last; Just like the sociopathic serial rapist; They are the most down to earth normal looking and acting charming people on the planet; until after grooming someone; they get them alone in a desolate or isolated place and then horror begins for that victim person as they are dismantled from every direction... with no escape.
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In a sense; I had no escape; anymore then a military vehicle can escape when they've gone down a road in enemy territory and the vehicle blows up... Could they have turned around earlier; well! maybe; However, as one can see; thats not a practical thing to happen nor a practical way to think.
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Anyway; Im on to another blog to write. I came back to this one to finish it off.
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So; as I wake up; this was a seriously dangerous person...
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