June 2025
May 2025
The goal is 20, one day trips this year for vacations to specific local destination. The furthest was a 4 hour trip I just got back from.. I didnt expect this trip; but it was offered to me because I asked for help with another trip.
.
I just finished my third trip. Some of these trips are several day excursions...
.
Im learning a great deal dealing with new people Ive never met before. ITs all great experience.
.
Im slowly moving away from being stuck in 12 step meetings for the rest of my life; Im starting to branch out to new people and places and things; Its harsh and not easy; I have God and friends and support but Im on the front lines with strangers and Im learning how to deal with them.
.
Ill need much experience.
.
Ill keep following Gods pathways.
.
Im strengthening my pathways concerning goals; strengthening them all the time. I strengthen them in my imagination; and I will continue to do so over n over n over until they are rock solid; and they will get rock solid; it may take a few years but Ill do it. Because me and God are in control of my life; GOd is the pilot and I am the co pilot..
.
When ive been given the controls and the plane goes down; it just bounces off the ground and then stops; God starts the plane up again; takes it back in the air; and at some point allows me to practice driving it again...
All is great! I continue to develop experience.
.
.
Relationships; the newer truth.
.
Ive talked about my FIRST LOVE; over n over; for good merit; to keep my sanity. And to grieve and unbearable lose and to keep working at it unit more answers come; well; they are showing up; God is giving me answers.
.
First major answer; Why didnt I call her back... ? Thats a good question; was it my mothers fault; I dont think so! Something for me to really think about.
.
From the universe; God gave her free will; if she did not want me anymore; or never wanted me; that is her choice; if she does not Honor God; and spits in Gods face; that is her choice; God let me know; He can do nothing about it. She has free will. He suggests I come back to God and the recovery process and start over for a new revised future; and that sounds good to me; I just never understood.
.
Here are some new ones; my first love is just one of about 11 people; all basically the same in nature and value as human beings; not much a human beings; Sorry God; no disrespect!@ They all have value to GOd; but Im not God; Im using my human survival opinion.
.
Heres the deal; They were so below the margin of sanity and acceptability its beyond my reasoning that I ever got near any of them. They were more then just dangerous monsters; they were sycophants -Marginal people. way over the edge marginal; I mean way way way over the edge where no normal people would get near these people for any reason; they would run. I didnt; I ended up attracting them and dating them or wanting to. I was destroyed from it. Any normal person would never allow'd that to happen. Why did I. I was extremely mentally ill; and not home mentally; and I ended up around bizarre unsafe predators; whos fault was this? IT was Mine! I found them... I tried to make friends with them; Like making friends with a Shark... And I got turned on at some point and crushed.
/.
As I wake up; its hard to believe I did this to myself...To get involved with these borderline'd people; But I did. And its my responsibility to get healthy mentally as much as possible.
.
Technically; the insane part of me and the survival person and the on off protector in me; dated these people; The child in me was being protected and never came out and connected; The problem was; with these marginal people; non had a soul; no conscious; nothing! So; emotionally speaking; No connection of any kind; nothing;' So; What does this mean; it means technically Ive never dated anyone; My inner child has never had a girlfriend; Not yet; because my inner child was not connected to me or reality. Within the outside world my inner child had no connection. The protector sociopath within me dated these people; I felt nothing; I was 2 sick from clinical depression and long term PTSD and personality rupture to be present or feel anything; And it will get much worse.
.
In the recovery process; secretly God was communicating to my inner child.
.
.
Is it just marginal people I had a problem with; relationships with people I should have never associated with; NO! I had other problems besides relationships.
.
The real me within never learned how to make money.
.
The inner child within never had a car he bought or fought for. not one he went after... I was always mentally ill. Some one else was always buying me or controlling me or paying for a car I never asked for.. I dont even remember; I was so depressed. I hardly remember..... I never wanted those people near me; the system of people who bought me cars... ? Im raped first; then a get a car out of it?; NO THANKS...! I dont need those kinds of brutal people around me... They can keep there stuff; no thanks. I just wanted to go home.
Im trying to make a point here; the real me; the inner me; never bought a car before.
.
Work/career; Never happened; not being the real me; never went after a job; ever... The broken destroyed me was forced to survive or something and got stupid jobs of no account to me; it all meant nothing to me. Im not suggesting the jobs I got wouldn't turn into careers for others; but was in fields of no interest to me; Nothing meant anything to me; I was dead inside and wanted to die. I was working in fields I had no interest; Why? I mean; this is a great point to ponder over! Thats the whole point of my writing; to change my behavior...
.
.
So;
relationships
money
careers jobs
I was disconnected to all three.
.
Ive never been myself; Ive always been repressed. I had no desires for anything anymore. Nothing; no confidence or interest with the human race or the human experience. I was in a dissociated state...
.
So; everything has changed. Now; Im fighting to get interested and its working; Im becoming that person I wanted to become when young; its happening to me now that Im an OLD Elderly MAN; Ancient; But that's cool; I feel really good about this; I have much to experience to grow again into the kind of person I want to be. ITs not about someone leaving me money and I hiding for the rest of my life; But GOd can leave me all the money he wants to; no problem; Im not suggesting I wouldn't try to conjure it up and keep it; Im suggesting Im excited about having an active life... a life with nothing but hope for my development into my present and future.
.
Im working with others to build that inner child; build that inner child into the present; a present where my past behavior that got me into trouble is no ones fault except mine... Im now learning how to turn my behavior around into doing better in front of me... it will take much work for I have not been present in front of me because of dissociative disorder; However, that's not stopping me. I would say Im practicing and I feel getting better; I have a long way to go...
.
.
.
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, jaus tail, lizaazephyr, selfstudyseo
- Home ‹ Board index ‹ Blogs ‹ OMNICELL's Blog ‹ Working with a higher power
- Contact • Advertise on Psychforums • The team • Delete all board cookies • All times are UTC
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.407s | 23 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 2.72
Time : 3.407s | 23 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 2.72