First;
The whole Point of the Phase series is for one thing; To work through problems and processes that I can;
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1. Have a girlfriend again
3. Create my music and play it live .
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The goal of all this work is to break through the walls into reality; learn the character and skills to be back in the saddle again where its normal for me to live in reality; by having girlfriends; having romantic relationships with women; and creating music and playing it live...
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WHERE AM I KNOW:
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At a meeting; a discovery; Loyalty, commitment, and sacrifice...
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At the end of the meeting; speaking for the second time; this is what came up... Different concepts of loyalty, commitment, sacrifice....
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In the beginning; years ago; Decades ago; Half a Century ago...
I used all of these concepts on First Love; On her! Unfortunately; No real FIrst Love existed; Instead it was a criminal personality sociopath masquerading as a human being; hiding their real intent of seeing how far they could fraud me into believing they were innocent and safe; how far they could groom me in. They would attempt something as long as they thought they could get away with it; thats all that mattered for them; setting up innocent human beings...
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I had no idea what was going on and I created a scenario about that person and I involved all of me; My fierce loyalty and commitment and sacrifice for For my future with her... However; in the end their will be no future with anyone; I was being frauded.. After realizing She was showing signs of psychopathy; I realized no future was possible or any other interactions with that monster; I was completely destroyed and defeated from this. I had not found a best friend or a soulmate; I had found a predator masquerading as a human being.
I wanted so badly to find a best friend; someone I could relate with and move on with my life with; A best friend soulmate I could spend the rest of my life with; Unfortunately; I had not consulted God on this; and I ended up at the wrong door step talking to the wrong person... By the time I realized what I had done; it was 2 late... I was all in..
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THe point;
My ability to sacrifice for something I believed in; my ability to be loyal and my ability to commit to something; was now abruptly completely destroyed; beheaded and cut off from the light life; as if someone had cut my arm off with a knife. It was gone... My purpose was gone; My ability to fellow through was gone.
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With much work; These character concepts are now emerging; coming back. They are surfacing in me; However; I don't really feel them yet... that would be to dangerous; hopefully Ill be able to align them and feel them again and own them. And after this; maybe apply them to my Music and Art interests...
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My Music and Art interests have been little more then dabbling all my life. I've not been able to function or be present to make much sense out of anything; my nervous system and mind have been scrambled... Ive never been able to finish or even start anything; its just kind of a sporadic mess used for emotional relief.
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So; its exciting to say or see that maybe I can learn with time to apply these character concepts of loyalty sacrifice and commitment to my interests like music and art creation; See if I can apply them on a daily basis; see if I can handle it emotionally... I don't know if I can. It will be a new learning interest where Ive been crippled for a very long long long time.
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Ill pray about having success in this area. Ill use success based techniques on developing these character concepts back into my life...
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