July 2025
June 2025
The purpose of extremely starting over…
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I set out a small vision; Place of dwelling+subject of interest or desire+transportation; end result or purpose.
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So I prayed about all of this; (where I started out-What was my purpose or intent or direction-transportation to the direction-and finally the end result). What did I find? I had no end result.
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The more I prayed about it; That if I was under God; I would be starting out at the lowest levels. In this society it would mean; Fast food places for work; Id be starting out at something simple but something realistic in society under God. A new present; a new place; meaning; in the present.
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Part of me likes it and understands it and respects it. Part of me does not. I think the part of me that doesn’t has to be tamed under God. Im split in half.
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I can see many things.
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I see myself making Art work; and doing something with it; getting nothing for it at first; doing it because I like it and going from there. And something seems Oke about that. Im doing something I like; I can see a life style behind it.
For a second; I saw money coming in from other sources. Work or what ever; and I saw pictures that I created and the people I would associate with concerning those pictures.
And for a moment; I saw women coming to me because I was not going to them. Something like that; like suddenly Im respected?
I can see something; something innocent. Yes!
Do I have the guts for this; Ill pray about it. But it is making sense.
Its like saying in my imagination; I become a school teacher and do Art on the side… As Artist and those are the people I associate with; Educated Artists. I can see something here. Or What ever Artists; I don’t have to have conditions.
Its a place of action; but I can see something.
Unfortunately; other things creep in; but they don’t have to.
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I saw something else; I saw something stopping me; I saw myself in a clerical position but not being responsible enough for the jOb. However; what I know about myself right now; its all a form of skills; and I know I can learn any of those skills.
I cant spell my last name. Thats because I never learned to; I was destroyed out of the school system from the start… So; now; I know I can memorize words and learn them if I have a reason.
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I realize Ive stopped myself from being part of society because I was stopped from being part of society when young. And I have defensive walls up. Now; With enough work I think; and God; maybe windows and doors can open up for me. Signs indicate growing into the present reality beyond the past… As if several areas of self have been replanted and are growing very well in the garden of the present under Gods care; Soon; as I grow again; and grow enough; its a new me replanted and growing; many forms of me; many plants of different natures that represent or stem from me; many colors of me; many shades; all me tho. Thus; all of these plants are growing up independently and represent the new me in the present; and they have no past…
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Sexual abuse; However; a link does exist but an understanding its the past trying to fuse within the present; and that is sexual abuse time period. However; as I get stronger Ill ask God to help me deal with the PTSD..
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I know Im to chicken to try some things that require more character; me admitting Im scared. I have to learn how to serve others and have many skills. Whats it like going beyond 12 years old in my mind; Its all blank where I was traumatized. However; I can work with God on those things. Im scared; frightened. I was completely abandon thrown away and forgotten; given away permanently. Im lucky Im alive; Numerous times it would have been suicide for me when young. I had a theropist who told me I had long term PTSD when very young; that is the only reason I survived anything…
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Im scared tho… Scared to go forward….
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So; Ill pray about all of this…
Im seeing something…
Something outside my apartment… Being part of life outside my apartment.
Ill pray about it…
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Note; its interesting; all the work I put in years ago with no immediate results; it will all add up now; that Im slowly making my way into life again into the present as a new person.
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As for women; The only women that will come to me, must be under God; come from God; the rest don’t count. Ive tried it on my own; all I find are Godless people; and sooner or later they turn on me when they realize I have real values or Im a decent man or civilized; suddenly I see through the masks of hatred toward me. Its pure evil; And suddenly I feel about them the way the Holy spirit feels about them; with concerning and hatred; For they are the enemy of God! Because God detests them; So do I; I feel the same kind of trepidation around them; Like Im cautiously walking around my enemy. Suddenly I realize their hearts are not with me; And then I realize; their hearts were never with me; they were never with me in the first place; They were playing me; master manipulators. What does this really mean. And they were fooling me completely; as if they were friendly friends. I never saw anything was wrong; never felt a thing; thought I was getting somewhere; and then suddenly warning signals deep down inside; I began to detect something within them; an inner negative moment toward me; Something that told me they felt the opposite toward me then what they had been acting out. The Holy spirit spotted this. This means; they were heading me toward an ambush. I said nothing; I waited and I watch. And then it happen. Several minutes later; their whole physical demeanor changed. They were acting sketchy. But very subdued so one really couldn’t see it; but they got the message; I was onto them… I pulled back within myself As God had also pulled back from them; They were also fooling God… They were traitors who would see God out for 30 pieces of silver along with me. But I had never seen it coming; never; 100% hidden…
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God warns me;
God is looking down on me wondering what Im doing around these people in the first place. I explain to God that I thought they were possibly sent to be a wife or a friend. God just kind of looks at me and says; ( “Get out of there”). I was wrong again… No one their was interested in me. Heres the problem; NO one was ever interested in me from the beginning; I came up with that idea in my imagination. And thus; the question would be; Why? Why am I not turning to God… And their it is. And thats what I have to learn.
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From Jesus; “ Stop expecting Lawless Godless people to be lawful and Law abiding; They are not! Leave them be; get out of there”… They do not respect me!
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I have to keep working with God until Im Grounded; back on the ground.
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So; I can kind of see something here….
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First; I see myself in a job supporting myself; secondly I see myself in hobbies that represent me; such as Art… And I see the appropriate women showing up around me when Im doing these things and being myself…
That means I become myself and then attract people. That means being down the God pathways…
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Right now; Im not being myself; Im still anti social… And don’t know what to do about it… Im working with God on it…
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So; Im back to this equation.
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Home or dwelling; I get up+ desire+transportation+ to the object or completion point or goal.
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My problem is; What is the completion point; What is the objective; the goal. Thats whats always bothering me; Whats the goal; the end goal Im working on… I don’t know. And because I don’t know; I don’t have a clear vision of why Im doing something; and so I don’t put effort into it. I will have to work with God on…
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Here are some goals.
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I want to make a million dollars
I want to have a family in a house
I want a car
I want to be a famous Artist
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There ya go….
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These are kind of imaginary end goals. They are totally believed yet. So; most of the work is learning how to believe; until that; Im somewhat aimless…
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I don’t really believe anything…
I don’t really believe in anything. Im lost with no values for anything. So; Ill start there…
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Ive had all things ripped away so many times from me; all of life; So; its hard to believe in having anything if nothing is real…
I remember Jimmy Hendrix being this way; He was dead at 27… Is this really the way.
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I have to let God bring me the plan and I stay out of it. And their it is… Under God…
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As Ive mentioned about a Wife; Ive found no one… Ive found only 2 faced people who hated me; My enemies playing me the whole time; Even they were wondering what I was doing around them.. I was lost; even they wanted nothing to do with me….
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Something is wholly off here…
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I know a general answer; God! Under God; Gods blue print or pathway for my life. I have to get under God; pray under God… until Im inline with that pathway… And their it is; I dissociate even talking about it; but there it is.
Ive been completely out of alignment with it… Not inline with myself.
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THE PRESENT;
Received more information at a meeting this morning and another meeting later….
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I was feeling discouraged. I talked about it to others at the meeting; all of it. Not feeling worthy or good enough for a girlfriend; to old; alone and to immature and to broke and far behind the world; who would want me or ever take any interest in me. Im so far behind…
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How can I be an artist; I say I want to be one; but do I actually take the chance to do any serious work. Whats the work for; where will it all go for what.
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After telling a group of people; Suddenly the answers flew in by God.
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First;
CAVEMAN…
What does this mean…
Its means; Welcome Omnicell; says God; Welcome the requirements of a Caveman. Cavemen get discouraged but do not quite; They simply out last the emptiness and continue until the cup becomes full again after it appears empty; They are simply brutally tuff; So waiting things out; working for things; fighting for things without seeing results is normal; its just the way of the Caveman. He doesn’t have a past and could care less; hes strong; super strong in the present taking care of all problems and issues and when the day is done he goes back his wife and family and clan and tribe; pulls out the electric guitar plays some rock music at the fire… And their it is; Life! No complaints…
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He fights for what he wants; He is relentless. He goes after everything he wants….
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HE BELIEVES… And nothing will stop him…
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I realized; MY God; have I forgotten. The reason people get anywhere in life Is because they believe.
They say “ I want to be a rock star” “ And they go after it and they don’t stop until they get to the top. They are this way from the beginning; They BELIEVE…
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And suddenly it all makes sense; Ill get what I want out of life by believing; I believe Ill have that women or car or money or career or what ever it is; I wont stop until I get their… BELIEF; Thats how they do it.
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Add to this success based thinking education; This adds a great deal to the tool belt; the techinques of success…
Add to this the deep deep deep relationship with a higher power; a dependency; a real one on Universe Holy spirit; God Jesus… A real deep working hourly relationship; add this at the deeper levels and Add 12 step groups or any groups of people I take my stuff to; put it on the table and express where Im really at in front of others; what do I have…
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Ive got an entrenched solid working power being God on the low end with a visionary ability to believe and go after my dreams on the high end. This covers a great deal of terrain for success… Its a Caveman with success based thinking process back by belief and God and support; Thats what Im working toward.
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Whats most important. I got my answer… I see it now. I have to believe… and I need the strength of a Caveman to hang in their through the ups n downs as I fight my way to my desire in the real world under God.
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So it begins…
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