July 2025
June 2025
Im headed toward the beginning of the original problem. Ill have to keep working with my higher power on this.
THe goal is to be free present curious and hands on; slowly heading to the problem... The problem is in childhood where Im being thrown away from the beginning and dont know it...
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In young childhood Im assuming everything and the world and everyone is on my side and wanting me to succeed. In reality; they are vicious monsters... But I dont know those things yet...
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Ill want to live my own life in my own space calling my own shots in my own space; and that is where Im targeted; the evil sees Im helpless or what appears to be defenseless in my own space and thus they come in and attack viciously.
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On the crime channel I was watching this or watching a trial of a monster who; within an outskirts in a corn field; an old road. Many farms vast space... But little town and traditional culture... She was just riding her bike down the road; a silent road.. Suddenly a smash from the back of a bumper onto her wheel; smashed into a ditch.. She got up dazed; suddenly hit over the head; she tried to escape; but found her self thrown in the back of the truck... And the rest is history... In the trial; he had done this kind of thing before... He will get the death sentence... They run the person off the road; pounce on them; take them hostage... My O my what monsters this country breeds...
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Being myself and then disrupted;
So; Ive been around scum that was trying to defile and disrupt my life... thats all it was about; but I had no safe places... The people that were supposed to protect me turned out to be the murder'rs... I have no place; no place to hide; nothing... I have no place to further grow... All was silent and deceptive before and after...
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I had no safe spaces to be myself... I did not own the building I was staying in...
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And thus; there it is; Im praying for the places to develop. Im at that point.
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I thought when young I could go to people and places and things and I would receive help; I received nothing; For those middle class people were only interested in helping other established middle class people and their kids... I was unseen; no one cared; no one was going to offer anything to me; I was completely alone.. No one cared that I was born or what happened to me; nothing; I was a sitting duck...
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I had no one; no place to go; no place to run free and develop; nothing was safe and no one cared if I was alive or dead; they purposely ditched my future... and I was thrown away... What do I do now.
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So; I went to sleep for a long time; Now that Im waking up; what do I do now!
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SO; Im praying about all this; where I start; and how.
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IVe been through therapy concerning my mental conditions do to trauma. Ive been involved in 12 step groups for bazillion years... ( I tried drugs and alcohol; that didnt work)So; I have a recovery process instituted... but I dont know the space. I mean; I show up for general recovery... it is what it is.
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ACTIVITIES AND RELATIONSHIPS:
How to get started again. Ill start praying; and writing stories of my new safe spaces to develop. Im trying to find safe spaces to secretly develop the small child in me. When a small child I had to escape; so; he never got developed; he just learned how to escape and play dead. Now I want safe spaces to learn how to be me again... And right now; I dont really have those spaces... Being in isolation is not safe spaces; its isolation.
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Ive had enough recovery to start over. But I dont know where to start over or what im looking for...
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Its a new day; and a new day of a different kind of trauma work.
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I see the correlation between; between beaten down in so many different ways until mentally ill and then trying to reach out to the general community for help; only to be smashed and shunned and miss understood by a vast group of spoiled middle class people who never understood me. I find them more dangerous or just as dangerous as the abusers; they are no help! Their immaturity is deceptively dangerous. Im on a whole other hemispheral frequency level... I dont have anything really against them; I just want them out of my way; they cause to much problems for those serious about changing their lives and trying to better themselves...
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So; here I am out on the edge of change again. I think I remember being here at young curious ages; like 7-9 maybe 10. Later Im in survival mode; so......
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Its like Im back and stunned and undeveloped and alone. Its like Im the small child again alone not sure how to deal with a giant adult world. Im stunned and cut off. Now what direction do I go? Ill work with God on this....
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So; its time to write stories about what I want.
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ACTIVITIES;
I Was watching a youtube channel for music mixing producing and arranging. I realized these people were into it... Ive been on the outside of it; but getting closer. Im getting closer to believing I can be into it!; Into something... Im beginning to see it; but its not safe; especially with all the memories and PTSD... its a huge triggering; but something has changed. Im better now. Its horrible humiliating pain; humbling... to re insurge myself back into a working role of activity again. However, Im stronger now... Strong enough. Strong enough to be curious and to stand on the corner of the fiery plain of humiliation and abuse I remember. ( Neglect has its own style of horror fear and abuse experiences).
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So; Im next to this wall of the past! A wall that blocked me most of my life... all of my life... I would like to walk through it or into it... and just stand their and look at it... and feel it... I cant do that yet; but Im getting closer...
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RELATIONSHIPS; Im seeing it. I honestly dont know! I cant imagine the people of the past I wanted relationships with; they were like dealing with a foreign language a foreign country; I mean; it wasnt just a difference of life style; its like I came from a whole different way of life and culture and altho my words are similar to the middle class'rs; they have completely different meanings and experiences associated with those meanings.
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I didnt do me any good falling in love with middle class women; it was of no avail; impossible ( I couldn't get in; I wasnt invited). It was a joke.. I was not wanted... I was asked to leave basically. My worth stood no standing against their prerequisites of money status expected education and work ability.. the idea of trauma see'md foreign to them; Thus I did not fit in with them ( I didnt fit in to anyone). Im not suggesting they weren't nice people; THey weren't; but Im not suggesting that. Im suggesting I was like a ghost around them with absolutely no understanding from those participants. They did not understand anything; I just stood their looking at them silently. I finally just gave up and went back to the building I was being houzed in!
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It was truly like the poor dealing with the rich. It felt very Caste oriented; Like I was an untouchable in India and they were rich people... When they found out I was not rich like them; I was treated like an insect or outsider; that needed to be chased out of the house and gotten rid of... never to be seen again or to return... I was being chased out of my own country by the same people who lived in my country.
Its like I didnt even fit into my own country! What a F_c+#king Joke...
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The point is; regardless of who these people may have been; they would be permanent strangers and people that did no good to meet! I was a perfect stranger and always would be. The door was shut permanently in my face before I ever got a chance to open it... Even if I was invited in by mistake the door was still shut in my face and would remain so. I was not liked or wanted or invited... That was the problem... Pure ostracization by the same countryman I must share this land with... But I didnt get to share anything; I was treated like I didnt exist and this wasnt my land! and I didnt deserve to be here! Like I was a bad guy that should be taken to the forest and shot!
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So; I mean; I had nothing in common with these people! In a state of morbid confusion I went back to the room I had permission to sleep in and tried to go to sleep for ever!
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Now; Im waking up and would with a better understanding of things; I would like some help! So; Im talking to GOd on what to do here; how to proceed forward... further..
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Its dangerous being in the rooms; the recovery rooms at times; its dangerous from the sociopath criminal types in the rooms and the well to do spoiled middle class... Neither is safe; They are like snakes and bablers; if one does feed them or entertain them; they bite...
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Im waking up; Now; Im searching to talk to God to attempt to re develop; the question is; where can I re develop in safe spaces; I need groups of people. And to take chances and learn to open up and feel safe again.. thats what im praying for....
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As I mentioned; I have a better understanding of what happened to me relationally when young. It would have been better for to have been with no friends but learned to do well in school working with teachers. For I had no one on myside in the outside world. Those I met I called friends were actually my enemies; ( Those women I wanted to save and kill the dragon for; THey wanted to be saved and they wanted a knight to sweep them off there feet; Just Not Me!). Those I met I called friends were actually of a different culture and would never accept me... ever! regardless. People like me were hated by these types of or groups of people. I was a foreigner to them and within in my own land. But I didnt know they wanted to kill me... A similar kind of feel of this reminds me of the slaughters of the Armenian people in WW1.
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"The Armenian genocide was the systematic killing and deportation of Armenians by the Turks of the Ottoman Empire. In 1915, during World War I". From the NEt!
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Its the same kind of thing. Its like I dont fit in anywhere! So; I have to work with a higher power to get to a higher level where things will be possible maybe!
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RIght now; Ill start writing new stories of my life and what Im looking for. I still have much sorrow and grief to experience. As I cross those old battle fields where I Was slaughtered; much pain occurs... and remembrance. and I am triggered... and defeated once again; defeated as I walk and walk and walk to the other side and begin again.
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The goal is to start the walk and feel everything; walk and walk and walk; walk to the other side and begin again.
I am not stuck in those empty battle fields anymore; only my memories; but its excruciating pain. So much so I cannot walk anymore; I must stop and drop to my knees and cover my face... the tsunami of pain; it over takes me...
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Im very close and on the edge of being at the end of myself concerning this new beginning of my experiences. Im almost at the end and beginning...
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