June 2025
May 2025
First; Im officially being stalked AGAIN! And I have to go to the police... its a weirdo women from the meetings... A stalker...
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So; it will not get better; it is starting to escalate. And it will get worse.
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When I was younger; I lost my complete life... I lost all hope and I was literally erased and all events of my life... As if I was never born.
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When I hit my teen years I had already been thrown away for several years; sexually abused; stalked; given away... never to have a family ever again; Nothing...
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I will be bullied to death and over ran from then on; no help; nothing.
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In my 20s I went completely under. I could not handle anything that had happened to me and all the losses involved.
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So; I started using drugs at age 12; it will get out of hand by the time Im in my later teens; but then die down from overdoes and bad trips and trips to the hospital; However; I will be showing signs of addict behavior.
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In my beginning 20's I cannot handle dealing with all the losses; I cant handle anything; Im overwhelmed completely by this; I cant deal with that much loss where I had to bury everything; I will become extremely dissociated more then when young; completely disabled finally. By the time Im 30 or early 30's no more functioning; and onto social security they will put me for mental health disability.
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After many years in the recovery process; here I am now!
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Today; after surviving much mental illness; After surviving the beginning of alcoholism in my 20's; the potential; it did not escape; I got into recovery before that; but it could have been much worse; Anyway; surviving through the severity of mental illness; coming out the other side; where my symptoms are down but the original problems still remain; my mind is still ruptured; nervous system is still ruptured; Im learning how to stay in the recovery process or close to it and re learn how to live.
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I have 2 main people inside of me for this essay; Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde... Dr Jekyll is the college guy; Mr Hyde is the self destructive mentally ill person with addiction potentials... He is a victim of the past who tries to kill himself; this is his goal; On the other side is the college guy; the guy that wants to develop into a normal life and learn to be that college guy and live a normal life out in society.
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First; I can see the college guy is suffering from dissociation from reality; reality left me at some point when young and Im not present anymore... And thats what Im working on now. Im working on the skills and strengths of the college guy to develop out in the real world. Im developing the human being in me; the part of me that would have been developed if I came from a normal decent family.
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So; God has been working on the broken isolated thrown away person within me; getting that part of me help and situated. And now in the recovery process; Im working on that other part of me; the college guy potential; the one with dreams and to be connected to the outside world and have a life; He has been very neglected through the years; from getting re developed and connected; He has been put off on to the shelf as the the other part of me has been receiving the help to come back from insanity; the broken ruptured person...
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THe college guy in me is frozen in a dissociated time warp; where I never developed; Instead that personality died or froze and another developed along next to him. Now; Im waking him up and getting life back into him; that is the idea.
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RESPONSIBILITY: THE NEW STANDARD;
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Responsibility is the last word in the world I ever wanted or needed to hear about; it meant nothing to me; it was a word shoved down my throat by ill meaning Middle class'rs in society trying to coach me into the ground because they had nothing better to do with their leisure time. They cared nothing for me; I meant nothing to them; I was just the brunt of their damaging ill gotten sociopathic vice to fool innocent people into salesmanship confidences that didnt exist; meaning; I was being used and fooled and played...
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Ive been in the recovery process a long time; and within it; Ive looked at many things that have happened to me in and from the past; and today as I heal; I know see a pathway that will work for me I think and has worked for many before me; To have support groups and God with me as I learn how to take responsibility for my own interests in life. Ill need responsibility for those things. In the past I gave up because no one else showed up to give me those things; this told me I was no good or not worth keeping around. Or not worth anything because primary care givers abandon me; all of them... I was given over to monsters where I had no protection.
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Today; after many years of private work on these problems. Im now connected enough to have enough faith in the idea of re-connection because Ive privately had more connection practice. This means Ive learned to trust more; take more chances; Trust God more and try to connect again at some things...
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Because of this work; The gap keeping myself from myself is lessening in some specific areas. And I'm wanting to work on it and develop it; For; this concerns the College guy in me; the real person who would enjoy the outer life; the guy that likes walking in the colored leaves and going to the football games and movies with a girlfriend... The outer guy; the social guy... the socially basic strong confident person developmental. Im not sure the words to use for this.
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It means Im taking over where my parents left off; Me and God; we are taking over and bringing me up and bringing me back to outer life. Ive already been brought back to life; Now I want the broken me to have has quite space in doors of safety and I want the college guy to have his life out in life having fun and being with others and enjoying the outer life...
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Developing my interests...
So; Im now working on developing my interests... This is not easy; Im going from Unicorn Fantasies to the real world.
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My goal is to know how to start performing music outside. What does it look life; where do I start; what am I willing to do... Its like; a whole life of performing outside... The truth of it; the realities of it. Ill keep working with God.
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Im like; a little better inside dealing with creating then performing anything; I say that but I haven't really proved that! So; I need help creating as well. Learning how to create without a care of what is done with the outcome. I want an outcome and I want to be proud of finishing what I started out to finish; but I dont want to care where it ends up; meaning; Conditional creating; I don't want Conditional creating. For example; In my insecure mind and thinking; if I create something; it has to be for popularity through performing or making money from it. That is an example of controlled or manipulated thinking; its Conditional thinking concerning the creation process. Would would I like; I would like to create for the sake of creating. Keep it private; I want a whole world of experimental and creating where it goes no further then the laboratory.
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The more I think about it; I want 2 worlds; I want permission to create my laboratory style creating process where I create for its own purposes indoors and personal; starting and finishing projects for their own sake... It inst just that it never leaves the laboratory. Its more about; Im confident about never even questioning this part of the work ethic that it was never suppose to be anything other then something of the laboratory world. Im in charge here; right? I mean; its my choice; right? Thats what Ive kind of lost here; being in charge of myself and my own choices.
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So; I want confidently to be part of 2 worlds here; 2 developing the world; the inner world of creativity for its own sake; finishing projects and feeling cool and good about finishing projects; keep developing creatively new things in my inner world where I live and breath life into that spere of inner world... a world of inner...
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Also; concerning the outside performing world. This is separate from my inner world; it has its own terminal for working out projects for the outer world and may the the 2 and shake hands but at the same time never meet; For they are 2 opposites on the opposite sides of the Sun!~ Codependency need not apply. One is for the inner world of finishing projects and being proud of the development; the other is for live work; and that is its own world and beginning development.
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So; Im starting to get an image from God on how to handle these things; So Ill try them; try to see how they fit; how they feel; if I can handle this level of emotional confidence and not sabotage something.
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Ill have to practice this inner outer world stuff. Im very codependent in all this; things are very mixed up in all this... the right is on the wrong side and the wrong is upside down side and off to the left. Names are on wrong and backward...
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So; the idea is to start out; and that means; create a composition with an end concept in mind; its like creating a nice product... a finished nice product. Lets see me do it. that means the whole thing is a standard. Lets see me do it... The whole thing is a standard... lets see me do it.
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So; its about doing things in the real world; Im at the point to try it; to attempt it... Ill work with God on this and get started on it and later Ill check in and comment on how its going this whole concept of 2 worlds; creating in the inner world and starting a separate account of creating for the outer world of performing; a separate account of its own... Ill have to start at the very very beginning of things.
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As for women;
Lets talk about marking value. Whats my market value. Well; I think its more; what it is not! And what it is.
My market value is being a person on disability and state housing and food-stamps on one side of it. So; I live in an apartment where the state pays the rent; And for good reason; without that help I would just hug a tree in the outside world and die at that tree; I would never have the mental strength to be part of society or the world... My mind and nervous system are 2 ruptured. However; on the other side; a very creative intelligent college guy is emerging and starting to clean up my apartment and create a space of many creative interests hobbies callings and recreations. And within my apartment; that state ran apartment; success is showing in the form of organizational placement of things and the ability to keep that floor clean; Its a start!!!!
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Within the recovery process I am struggling all the time to work with God to become someone who starts out in life for the first time. And Im getting there and I really relate with others in the recovery process who are starting out again and who really appreciate the process.
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I listened to a fellow mate of the meetings talk about starting out again and he got a job and he has a great attitude about it. And I would say; Im not there yet; but that's what I want for myself; to feel that way... At the beginning development of independence; For that is what he was talking about independence.
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And Im working for my independence; to become and independent person from the past; from those from the past and Im working at it; grinding away at it one stone sandpapering at a time... smoothing the rock; chiseling it away everyday using numerous means and creating process brought to me by God for such purposes of independence.
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BACK TO WOMEN And relationships;
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The Key is; Get involved in support; support groups all the time; get a relationship with God; work the programs of these 12 step groups on paper and with a sponsor over n over...
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Learn about how to set goals and how to have success... Think and Grow Rich; Napoleon Hill; its the best start for that. Pray about it.
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The idea is to move forward down my own lane; creating hobbies and callings and recreations and careers and interests for myself through the universe that give me a fulfilling life; and thus in that state; that's when I meet people who are within those groups of my interests; they naturally fall into them and thus when I meet them; they look up to me and appreciate me for they are in my market value level; my frequency... They appreciate my struggle.
And when Im around others who appreciate me and look up to me I feel good. I get what Ive earned under Gods eyes…
Sometimes praying all the time is all I can do and it is just fine with God and God rewards me thus.
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So; being down my lane is whats necessary; in fact; thats all Ive been talking about here; being down my lane and growing; and how to metamorphosis into several levels of new person within my lane under Gods help.
I talk about the fear of this and that horrible feeling of alone when in the transforming stages… This is why I need support groups. However; if you open up like I do in meetings; Its possible to be stalked by predators; Ive gone through it 2 many times; its dangerous; And Im a guy; God knows what its like for a women.
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So; to recap; I get a life; learning how to go down energy river; get a life; a real life; developing. And I know what that means; that process of transforming into newer and newer people down energy river; down my lane… I know what its like; how horrifying it can be… terrifying and lonely and all the feelings of my childhood of being thrown away and abandon; I know.
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As I work with the universe and understand the wisdom of getting a life and being in the process and working with the universe on what I want; it is then; people show up who are interested in me; and thus I don’t have to go look for them or be co dependent on the wrong people and get rejected; assuming Ive worked on my codependency; I work on such things in 12 step groups.
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Ive changed; Im 20% better.. Ill continue to get better as I process the past and work through the processes of learning how to trust God first; let God bring the results into my imagination first before I make a move on things… let it all grow and process in my imagination first and thus a result shows up; and I do the work to get that result before it actually happens in the outside world… and when it happens in my imagination; I simply will attract it from the outside world…
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I have lots of maturing to do and growing working with God…
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Right now! Im learning how to take action on a subject of choice; Working with God on this; God does not give me more then I can handle; so Im just practicing in small innocent steps; and I must learn to trust God…
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10/4/2023
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I made the first of the beginning of my new life; I had three goals that taking any action would scare me to death; Simply because I would be moving into unknown territory and experiences that would terrify me. Its scared me because I had to start somewhere and could be shot down being scared to death because I was stepping out into the unknown.
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This is the edge that is beyond me; Its goes into a place in my soul of extreme fear; its the same fear the 12 year old in me had when I was thrown away when young. That place of being on the edge… I was at the end of myself.
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In this case; we are talking about the real edge of myself. And I walked beyond it yesterday in three different ways; extreme fright; real freight… because I was stepping out into the new… I mean; the REAL NEW; IN THE PRESENT!
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I had prayed for a long while for several weeks bout these things; writing stories about their success as if its already happened… and then stepped and visualized and many other things; And then it happened; that day I had to move forward and take some action; I was ready or I would not have. I was ready because Ive spent years in the recovery process building toward several outcomes and this is one of those journeys along the way… I had support from my 12 step groups and God…
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The 12 step groups I visit are frequent but not always safe…
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So; I took action on 3 different situations and did OKE… Im slowly learning how to be part of the present again one horrible frightful step at a time; its enough to make me puke. However; At the end of it; even tho my nerves are frayed; I accomplished allot… and their it is…
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I was still damaged goods when I set fourth to take chances yesterday… However; I was ready to take chances… Its that same feeling a baby must have when they enter the air for the first time into this reality from their mother at birth.
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So; It has began….
And Ive gained new information; and Ill continue under Gods care and see where all of this takes me.
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Im at a point of directly working with God on my dreams…
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Money
Women
Mountain biking/ New bikes
weight loss
Cleaning up whats left in my apartment; Bedding; and Garbage discipline; Is that the right word for it?
My own clothing… My clothing and condition and grooming goes astray as I work on my spiritual side. Until I fix most of it; I don’t really care how I look to anyone. So; My groom and clothing; Ill work with God on this… Because; at some point; Ill want to become social again; in fact its already started… its started a few weeks back into a newer direction…
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So; things are changing right now.
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