July 2025
June 2025
New Blog;
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FIRST LOVE: My heart is back; back under Gods control and my control; What ever I gave her; is now back in my hands.. That means I no longer have any attachment to that person; the attachment was my heart; but God owns that heart now and Im back working with God in that imaginary backyard learning how to rebuild myself; my development is now officially completely in Gods hands and mine and no other. It belongs to me. Ive gotten it back Thank you. As for this Young women who was a stranger; she was nothing but a sick freak… a parasite and any other truly brutally low words I could use. The point is this was actually just a stranger playing me trying to see what they could get off me; what they could damage for fun; Thats the mentality level of these filth… They were just low level scumbag filth; Thats all they are… I still pray for their soul; but not much longer; and I pray they reach up and find God; but not for much longer.
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All my development that I wanted to happen when young; I get to do that now under Gods care and my self-participation. The point is; This FIRST LOVE vs GOD; GOD/UNIVERSE Is more powerful then First Love; CHECKMATE!~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My heart and life belong to me again…
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First Love; Still lots to work through; However; its all unfolding… Severe loyalty is the problem; the idea that Im needed and they need me; That is a kind of trauma bonded state.. Meaning Im in a trauma bonded state over this person. I also saw this person as God… And so I have allot of work to over come this… Its one set of circumstances at a time. I keep stripping the past open one set of experiences with this person at a time until the real truth is revealed. And Im having basic success at this on a weekly basis; Im also working with someone on a weekly basis on this…
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Family;
Im Getting better; its the little; the tiny little moments I reorganize as confidence and being human in the present; Its just showing up; tiny little examples…
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From drop out anti social AVPD/Dissociative to the beginning of real social Improvement; its appearing because Ive earned it and it just shockingly slows up. And its been happening in tiny sudden ways.. and larger sudden ways…
Im not playing the victim mental health invalid dissociative that needs everyone to be my therapist. Ive come out of that. Im more like a regular person beat up from the street up; Im much more present… And strange things are occurring. I was or am showing Im strong enough to show up and part of things. Im not an outsider.. Im sitting on the couch just like everyone else.
I was at someones house I talk with on a weekly basis. Several people live their; and others show up and go; people much much younger then me; All adults…. Male and female; some closer to my age.. Im not a stranger here. I know the father/mother… the owners of the house. I know them well enough; its more like closer friends… So; when Im in their living room sitting with them talking deep levels; younger and older people show up; family members and others show up and come n go; and its so very much like being part of a real family.. its inner quality… Im not a stranger…. Im part of things when Im in their home. Im in the middle of it; Im not alone.
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Im learning about rules. Lots of rules exist when I come back to reality and socialization. Im learning about it because im right in the middle of it. Im not in my apartment anymore wondering what it would be like to be around people again. Im showing up around people who are close up and acting as real personalized people.
Im showing signs of a higher power preparing me for being social again and showing me what its like to be in a family in a house with several people who live their at the same time. Its been a while; Ive been in monk mode in the caves of n on for a while now. I can see where God is helping me in the outside world. Its Manifestation of a giant order started many moons ago.
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Im watching it happen…..
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NOW; Im in a strange process working with God. Im doing the work to get up to speed for a new musical keyboard. Its been terrible trying to understand what I need. What I start with; So; Ive been working with God on it.
I still don’t have any answers yet… Not satisfactory answers… No yet; nothing connecting in the present yet…
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FAT: This is a problem; maybe I can get back on it; the diet; Slowed down eating a bit lately.
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