July 2025
June 2025
I was stalked; a reversed stalked... by my First Love; As I start to remember what happened. Why did I call her my first love. Im starting to remember; because thats how it started; but thats now how it ended; This was a stalker... the equivalent.. THe whole experience was like being violated or raped internally. Now I remember.. The thoughts are coming to me... and the feelings.
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I remember now. This was the equivalent of a stalker... When I first met the person; the first couple of days; I liked her; she seemed innocent but then it started; it changed; she changed; and continued to get worse. She changed into a kind of arrogant sociopath. Much different then I had remembered meeting. She kept changing. I did not feel safe getting any closer to her but I liked her.. But something was wrong. I could not put my finger on it. but she did not seem to think; it was just actions; Like she had no concious about why things occur the way they occur.. It did more than bug me.
She kept getting more n more indifferent; is that the right word; I would say; something harder and harder with no concious... its as if I had found out what the real personna was like underneath the fake one. And I felt violated. And I remember finally leaving defeated after all of this continued. I was destroyed. In a strange way I was led on. THe problem was; this was some kind of monster or something...
I remember telling her on the bus and other plays when I would see her that I hated her... I remember that; This was so long ago. THe problem was; she had been a fake.. She had faked me out. There was no original person as she had claimed to be. That person didnt exist. In its place was someone who had faked me out or played me; but it wasnt unserious... it was some kinds of deviant.. It was a complete reverse of personalities... Looking back I realised it was a kind of " Being stalked"; What this means; everytime I showed up at her house; she took it a little deeper and deeper; but finally it reversed; she reversed into something else and slowly was no more the person I originally came to see; and that meant the person I originally came to see never existed. And the whole affair was horribly violating. And this newer person was more hardened with no emotions and was going to hire someone to use violence to put me in the hospital. So; I was completely turned on... And I remember that other side to this person or the other person of this person; This person had no feeling toward me; nothing... It was like 2 different people. It was so frustrating. THe person I fell in love with didnt exist... It was almost like I was being fooled and when she realized it wasnt working; she changed back into her original hardened self and that person was a monster... Yes!@ I remember... it was almost violating like; like a predator or stalker. I had no one to talk to about it because the original person I liked and fell in love with didnt exist... She had turned into someone else.
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Im assuming this was a Narcissist sociopath type individual; but worse... psychopath maybe; who had played a role with me when I appeared to like her but couldnt maintain the role.. and finally started giving up on it and the real evil person that she really was came out and started taking over. I realized when I first started seeing those signs; I knew it was over.
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I was never able to accept all this at the time because it meant I had been fooled and there was no one to actually love; I had been duped. I remember now! There was no one there that loved me or liked me or felt anything for me or was connected to me; there was nothing; it had been a giant hoax created by a sociopath..
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Ill never be sure what the persons interest in me at the time was; It could have been; they had no interest but I was open and relentless so they opened up the possibility of an opportunity of being with someone that would accept them as a psychopath; not an easy feat for a psychopath to find; to find someone they could hide their real nature... Yes; that is what is going on here.
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And I felt violated.. horribly violated and scared to death and flipped out that yet I had attracted more people just like the family system I came from.
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I do remember that she had no feelings for me. Nothing. I mean; it was like night n day... She had no connected to me. Nothing; at a later date... Nothing; as if I had never known her...
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What ever this was; I felt raped inside my nervous system; completely violated by a perpetrator; like a stalking sociopath predator. Thats the best way to describe this person.
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The most important aspect were the loss and the fear created by the monster of this person revealing themselves.
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As for I attracting nothing but monsters; Well; Maybe; but more likely; she had always been a monster and the family had a reputation of pathological liars. I had not been around long enough to know anything about her or her family. If I had been an adult; i would have handled things much differently.. But I was only 14... And all ready destroyed through trauma...
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I think being violated this way; when all I was trying to do was make a friend as an innocent person reaching out for help; this really caused massive damage... thats what really happened; I could never live with the fact of making a grave mistake and ending up being violated by some sociopath like this. ITs not just that I never saw it coming. I was trying to get away from the very nature of what this situation end up as... So I was completely destroyed along with being already destroyed.
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So; My memories are starting to wake up. No wonder all of this was buried so deeply... I can feel the pain right now; its surfaced. It has the same feeling of being bulled by a stalker in a school system; because in a sense; thats what this was... Its more then sickening... So there was no future here...
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At this time I really needed help from trauma.. I think I was in 10 grade; Im about 16 at the time; completely severely destroyed by this time.. and drug overdoes will start more n more and Ill hurt my brain from it... and ill start dropping out of school.. I just cant be apart of anything anymore... nothing; Im already psychotic-like and dropping away from reality... Ill need allot of help.
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A year later I move from the area and more major humiliating problems will start again at the next place I go. For I will move in with my original best friends family and go through more abusive like betrayal... My mother will set this up... and I will be bullied in school; and that will take me by surprise and I wont know what to do about any of this.
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But right now; Im feeling the full force of this monster that stalked me; this girl that turned out to be a monster... who turned into something else; Dr Jekyll Mr Hyde; literally. And of course I will not see her again at that time in high school; I mean I will; but she has completely changed back into the monster she was and is not a friend of mine anymore; she has turned back into a monster... and I might see her once or twice but not talk to her ever again... ANd now I will deal with this trauma and the hurt of this trauma.
MY GOD; Now I remember!
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The hardest fantasy part of this; I always had this deep horror to save her; What I failed to understand; She was a generated false personality front created by a sociopath.. There was no one to save. I have this Caveman Biology to save her; but in reality; that was the ploy used to groom me in... No one needed to be saved; nothing existed. And thus; I was alone again as if I had never met anymore. I was stuck again. I think today; I can keep working on this; writing scripts as if im talking to her and slowly letting my feelings out to her on paper.. WOrking with God on this. However, I also have permission to move on from this. Ill be speaking to the universe about that...
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NOTE: Today; climb down the vast walls of horror and when finding myself wondering around blind; I save myself; For I have come back to save myself. And in a sense; I wanted a friend in her; and I wanted my first love to save me while I saved her. And I thought I had that until I realized she was hiding her real identity; a stalking monster sociopath looking for a simp to be turned into a flying monkey cabin boy who tells no secrets.. " Sorry sweet heart; you got the wrong soldier for that".
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MUSIC AND ART;
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Ive been damaged from trauma; I went through so much; my nervous system was not present anymore; cant do anything anymore; nothing. no movement; I cant move anymore or do anything anymore to much damage... cant move. psychotic. No one cares...
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So; Im starting to feel it; it is the psychotic state; my nervous system; the damage that is keeping me from art and music and anything else. I cant deal with reality. O my; is all of this starting to make sense I wake up from amnesia and dissociative disorder... Now Im starting to remember what happened. ANd Im reliving the nightmares of all of it...
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I still have another year of school to talk about; the 12th grade and Im so ashamed; its a repeat of what happened in the 6th grade with all the bulling and no help; nothing. But I did make it out of Hi school. I will be bullied later into my 20s. And Im ashamed of that so much; but I will talk about that at some point. I mean; if one is bullied; its suppose to stop at age 13 right; anything after that and I must surely be a weakling.. its so embarrassing... I did not know what to do.. I was so withdrawn shutdown in survival mode and mental.. damaged.
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I will be sexually harassed when I go back to live with my Grandparents at age 18; Im extremally mentally ill and cant function and my Grandfather will try to physical get me on the ground; thinking I can be taken advantage of and more harassments; and this will just add to more indifference toward everything and the human race. I cant fight back; im in a state of passiveness and dissociation... Im not present... survival mode; no hope no confidence; no reason; no nothing... Im shocked over n over; Im not loved or care about; just used by people; these people.
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NOTE: Thinks have changed now; I know I can create a whole new world of free for myself and its all; ready started... Ive tasted it...
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O man; am I feeling it all now.. Later I will completely go under and they will put me on social security because Im completely gone. but now; Im feeling it... Im feeling what it was like before... what caused all of this... the betrayal and weirdos I ran into all over the place with no help or protection...
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I guess Ill just have to ride this out.
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Im working with the universe on creating music and art again; and I guess this is necessary to wake me up again so I can create music and art.... SO; Im feeling it...
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Sometimes I wake up and feel the full brunt of what happened long ago; Its like waking up with a nightmare but I dont remember the nightmare but all the feelings are triggered. ITs all very interesting what is going on here... it also sucks and its painful and I remember now what it was like being totally mentally ill and completely alone with no one... all gone....
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Feeling sorry for myself.
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I have now transcended into an area I have not seen since a young man and boy and teen and adolescent;
At the time of my demise... I had truthfully experienced so many things in so many directions I was completely shut down with all forms of negative insanity do to trauma. In all forms I gave up and was fatigued to a point of non functioning; I truly felt sorry for myself for real; I had no way out on all fronts; I was locked in; I had been destroyed in so many ways in so many times.
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Today as I will myself to ventured down into old wells of hatred and remorse and darkness; their lies myself from the past; I rail down on a rope to the bottom of the abyss to find my younger self slashed to pieces walking around talking to himself; he looks up and into my eyes and says; " are you here to save me?".
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"Yes" Yes I am" "I am here to save you" I said!
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The whole might sward layering crimson Kingdom of pain is brought down into a phobia of morbid thinking; to a point of a giant dragon of " I feel sorry for myself"; its so large; its like a large continent that has never been touched or questioned; for it lies at the deep. No one has ever gone down that far or made it into that vast arena; no one was ever allowed to go in there.
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I have now made it to this vast inner sanctum and I have a huge realization. This can all be changed. Its malleable.
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I was waiting when younger for my parents or loved ones to show up and love me; They never did; there's been no one; I ended up with nothing... All things were covered up over n over n over; I had no choice; I had to survive...
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Now; going deep into this arena... This is one part or facet of the wall that keeps me locked in; a wall created in the vast past!
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I can change this; its like soft transparent slightly glassy colored clay... like a really thick ocean wave of jello; but lava like; a bit thicker... A giant mammoth.
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Im at that place; I stumbled upon it as I woke up today feeling the dread from the realities of my first loves real invocation of connection with me... When I realized I had been preditorized by a stalking monster and no real feelings could have been realized. It was all for nothing knowing her; but it got worse; now I would be humiliated by this sociopath... something I had no connection to... I will be turned on completely as if I had never met her...
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Now I realize; what is stopping me is; " I feel sorry for myself" in all directions; but its all from the past and has never been answered or dealt with; nothing. And I realize; I can move around in this realm; This means; I can set goals and begin to build again from this realm. For I can feel. Its dark blue and morbid black; but I can move around and work with God and make choices in this place; slowly building out of this place back to my life.
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In a sense; this old area of " I feel sorry for myself"; is where all of my emotions lay. It is the last place they existed. Ive walked into that area of darkness; And Im in that realm right now; fully in that place. Im like a Fireman who has come through the roof of a burning building to find himself at the center on the ground floor...
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The building was burned up years ago and I burned up with it. In the center was myself in the black dark ashes... Im wondering around on the ground floors and basement; ever wondering around from room to room in this burned out old business building... It was completely torched; and then one day; A fireman ascends from the roof tops scaling down a rope into the mist's of the darkness; landing on ground floor in the black history of a fallen life; but what will he find; For he is their to rescue the survivors; It is me! I have come down the rope into the basement of the building to find myself wondering around in the ashes. Ive come back as a Fireman to rescue myself.. And that is exactly what Im going to do.
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I can be rescued today; Those rescuing me are me and God Universe. Who are the Helpers; Those in the recovery process that God continues to use in my favor to help me; and the cost? I must help them in some way fit by GOds direction. Usually this means; asking for a ride and talking with them on the way to a meeting. And it means sharing stuff at the meeting; much about the same things I write about in my blogs...
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So; Today Im rescuing myself... And I can feel it; its the same feeling and depth; I can feel it; its hitting that same area; that area I felt when I wanted to rescue my first love; for rescuing her was rescuing me at the same time. The idea of Helping her find herself would also allow me to find my purpose. But that never happened; I was allocated to no mans man where I will remain for eternity; That is until I came back with God to rescue myself; And that has just started...
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Music and Art; Story writing.
I have many things going for me...
I have support and connection now in some ways. in enough ways
I have a great connection to a higher power God for everyday use and a success based set of workable techniques I learned.. All great for development...
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So; I think its possible to create a piece of music; have my friend play it and go from there. Just all this thing to start and develop; We will see. its still hard work and it goes beyond my anxiety threshold...
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OFf to video games or music writing and or the crime channel on youtube..
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