July 2025
June 2025
SEEING GREEN WHEN ITS RED…
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Green means go Red means Stop…
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Its a mental health problem; Its very schizophrenic.
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So; in this life in many situations in my life; Ive seen Green when the light was red. And when I saw the light as green; when it was really read; I moved forward across the cross walk. Unfortunately for me; Thus; I would find myself in a sinking Titanic Nightmare… I pile up of debris and death and misery. I would see my life destroyed in many ways… And I would never take credit or responsibility for it.
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Unfortunately; altho destroyed; I brought it on myself. And in this life Ill be hitting major problems because of the seriousness of the crash-ups Ive had.
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In relationships; I would not see or accept the rules; the reality of the relationships. I would end up around people who where never attracted to me or knew me. That is not there fault; its mine. It really is; I need to find that stuff out first. I need to be around safe people first. Thats not someone elses problems. I have to take ownership for this stuff: I have to learn how. Work with a higher power.
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NOTE; I would end up around people who thought they were way way better then me; and then play me to death for even thinking I could even associate with them; they wanted to punish me for such things.. I had no idea what was going on… I did but I didn’t care. It was like I allowed them to take me away like I was on a carnival ride. They did; but they purposely cut the track on the roller-coaster and I never knew it; they kept it hidden and continued to gain my trust. I had no idea what was going on.
My point is; I needed to know what was going on. Im blaming them; Im now blaming myself and wondering how im going to take responsibility for these things… God please help me so I can learn to take responsibility for myself and my own actions…
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I see a Green Light When its Red.. And this causes many many problems.
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Today Im trying to take accountability for this. Im trying to say my actions belong to me; they came from my body; Ive got to look out for my body and what it does. I have to take responsibility for my behavior and choices.
Most of the problems Im talking about; problems Ive gotten into; the problem was; I could not back up the checks I was writing in life. I was making big mistakes and big promises. And I was acting like I was someone else. I would get found out and laughed at and then let off or dumped. I was never telling the truth. I wasnt saying anything. I didn’t want to get rejected.
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NOTE; Looking back; What kind of people did I associate with? They don’t sound like very good people.
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So; there is it; I made my choice; never said anything; lied or said nothing; in a sense leading others on while they led me into a ditch. But they were leading me on as well; but in their case; they morally and legally could because they never came to me.
I never asked anyone if they liked me or didn’t or if they were attracted to me; Nothing.
And thank God because they would have lied just to lead me on.
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The big question is; why am I hanging out with people like that? For what reason.. And their it is… really. There it is; and its this I have to look at.
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Ive felt like I was nothing as is; Ive had a horrible time accepting the innocent me as is. Its like its just not enough or good enough. Im now having to learn how to shake it off; the fake parts of me that take over; just try to be myself as is… And accept Ill have to work at things to be something; And I wont be doing it as good as others; Ill be doing it at best average and thats it; and it has to be good enough; And Ill tell you; it hasnt been in the past.
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Ive not been able to accept myself as an average person average worker. Or maybe even less then average in smarts and work ability; Im slow; And Ive never been able to accept myself. Im trying right now. Maybe in the real world I have no abstract intelligence.
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NOTE; I have a problem with entitlement when it comes to working at things.. working through the boring parts of things.
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MUSIC; The refinement continues…
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The point at this point; Create something in my sequencers that is polished finished and good enough or solid enough to work with as a performance song. Simply meaning; the words and music are solid enough for me to go out and perform it; Nothing more then that level of basic solid.
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What will it take? I have a problem. Im used to improvising and that wont work in my sequencer; I have to edit and edit and edit in the sequencer and Im no good at it; in fact it scares me; I feel dumb…
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So; That is the goal; to over come the editing obstacles of computer use to create a song solid enough for a basic outside performance…
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RELATIONSHIPS FROM THE PAST;
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Work with God to separate myself from those people; because we are not friends… In fact; there is no “ We” We are nothing; there is no we; never was any “ We” Nothing! And thats on me; and the work and processing I have to do with my higher power to figure out how to get out of this Santa clause like fake reality that never was…
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So; there are 3 goals.
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First; Separate my emotions and delusional ideal friendship nonsense I made up about certain people in the past. This means; working with God to separate this false narrative of being friends with someone I was never friends with. I was never friends with them because they were criminal minded pathological liars who set people up. They were really just no name criminals looking for victims; if a victim like me came down their path; they would strike. And I never saw it coming… And I was fooled. They stripped me of everything of worth I had and split; Like any thief.
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So; The goal is to work with God to see a new narrative of myself accepting that those type of people were not my friends and to accept this and understand I don’t need the trauma bond with them; I can survive without them… And slowly work with God to undo this Nightmare… And slowly see myself becoming undone from them.
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I have to become undone from them; disconnected from the fake memory system of them; the fake intimacy they faked; Because; it was all fake; and they were faking a friendship because they had all the power in the world and everything they needed; they would not be hurt in this life to fake me out where I get more destroyed; but its time I see these type of prejudice people for what they are and how they actually viewed and felt about me and stop covering things up in some delusion. Unfortunately what they thought of me had value because I had invested in them before I knew what they were; ( A very completely stupid move). And I have to back track with Gods help; and get out of there..
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Theres a part of me that wants to stay in delusion land; However; a bigger part of me does not…
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2. Second Goal; Create a song within my sequencer that is successful… That means working out any and all problems. IT can be done; It might be really tedious and slow; but I have to learn Tedious and slow..
And this time its for performing…. I want a basic song I can play outside on an instrument that I can sing to and play… sing n play…
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A certain standard..
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Ive had a real hard time with this basic work ethic stuff. I know where it kind of comes from; its at the deeper levels of pain where Im thrown away… so many different times with no way out or no future.
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3. Working on creating a future on paper through new narratives with God… I and God know what that means…
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