June 2025
May 2025
The Three Stages of Limerence
Stage 1; of Limerence: Attachment/ Infatuation.
Stage 2: Crystallization.
Stage 3: Deterioration.
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I was at a meeting; it was my turn to share...
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I said a few things. I said that plenty of people wanted to be my friend when young. I had plenty of women come up to me and I wouldn't give them a chance; why; simple; I could not automatically get honest with them right then. and their it is; I couldn't ask them out; because I would have had to take a chance to tell them Im not all (HERE)that; I dont have any going on; Im just the opposite; still want to get involved? It was the idea; they never liked me for who I was in the first place. But I didnt know that and I never asked them and I never pursued it.
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( I had no confidence in myself) Nothing; destroyed and beaten down by the psychopaths I was forced to live with. No value; no confidence; non existent... nothing. zero.
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NOTE; ( I had plenty of women come up to me and I wouldn't give them a chance; I couldnt I was scared to death); Dysfunction. No family; no friends; nothing; non functioning person. No human family or connection or support; noway! but I was living at someone's help or college or something else. But their it is. and thats what Im working on now! its that simple; learning to find out whats keeping me from having girlfriends and relationships... No support. Not getting honest about who I am and the truth and acceptance of no self esteem or confidence. To wrecked or broken.
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Now; I can B-tch and moan about it. But I would never do anything about it...
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Im really looking at the word; MOAN... Like Poor me poor me another drink; what about fixing the problem.
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I mean I feel like I felt sorry for myself for 9/10th of my life but never did anything about it; Right now after writing that I bitch n moan about the wrong women coming up to me or looking at it from a more deeper look; that I never did anything about it. Actually; it will require massive counselling an I did do all that and years at the 12 step groups; did that... So; actually i've been doing the work. However,
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The next level of work is scary... it requires more real action... Im not ready for that. But Im getting their...
Right now; its about admitting that I dont tell anyone the truth. I cant or wont; so; Im working on that with past relationships... Im dialoguing with an imaginary version of someone from my past; and Im learning to talk to them and tell them everything about myself; Im under Gods care; and will continue to do this work under Gods care until everything is out in the open; what ever it is that Im angry about... Or afraid of.
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I know this women at the meetings... I was ignoring and I was thinking about limerence suddenly without warning I glanced at her. I glanced at her because Ive had limerence feelings about everything and I think also about probably all women of one sort or another when it comes to attraction and other things. Its all in my head silently. Im trying to prove if they are safe... WHy do I need to prove if they are safe? I mean; if they are not safe; why am I bothering with them; why am I even in their camp. What is going on here.
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As for this girl at the meetings; women... if I liked her; why dont I just ask her out. if I do and she says yes; Im stuck with her because she has 2 many problems. if she says no; Im embarrassed and I got my answer. The point; this is not someone to ask out or to associate with; this is one of the problems being in 12 step meetings; lots of strangers are brought together without the same values... I like someone based on how they look. Secretly I think their cute and attractive. But thats not what creates a relationship.... That is limerence. Did she look my way; did she ever really like me; maybe if she changes Id go out with her. In the mean time; 11 years later; maybe I should think about going out with someone who is real; with real potential; finding them; working with God concerning them.
What scary for me concerning this women; Shes never liked me. As I look back honestly on it; she has never given me any signs of liking me. She never came up to me and said anything or went out of her way to talk to me or get close to me. IVe had to find things out about her behavior and then try to rope it all together to claim she likes me from all these secondary behaviors; This is perfect Limerence. The other thing I know; I dont go up and talk to her; If I did I would be shunned; and learn very quickly I was not wanted in this persons space; so much for a perfect girlfriend. The key to all of this; This person is off limits because they were never right or safe for me to be around or even friends or even anything more then strangers. In fact; thats all this person was; a stranger. And worse then that. This is someone God wants me never to know. SO.... I mean; Im learning about where Im suppose to be and what Im suppose to be doing and not doing.
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The fact is; if i just wanted to have sex; Id work on that person wanting me for physical attraction; either way Id have to get close to them; and obviously Im not; because they are not safe. So; its like time to move on. And thats interesting because how can I move on from something that never has been; Again; a great examples of Limerence.
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NOTE: Its not just that they are not safe; I can feel it. Its me. Im numb and dissociated. I watch porn instead of date women. but take away the porn and I still have dealing with women who could hurt me really bad; my nervous system and they dont seem to care or have any ethics about anything anymore.
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The idea that its time to move on from limerence as a life style; is; Im getting very close to learning how to heal up those time periods where I was thrown away from my family at different times; completely. So; that has to heal and then I look into doing things for real; and not limerence based; whether it be people or money based or work based or talent or activity. My whole life is limerence based; Dissociated from reality AVPD> Dissociative disorder. Agoraphobia...
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Im still working through the damage that happened when young. Im still in the gap; it is slowly showing signs of change.
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THe idea with significant others; being in the right groups of people that get me; then people find me interesting; I dont have to really work at being accepted...
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This is a hard one; it will take work and time.
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The people of the past I spent time with; even when very small did not appreciate me being around; they never came to me; I went to them; they never valued me and resentment my presence; I never knew because I was such a good innocent good person.
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NOTE: not all true; I had friends on the other side of the block; on the southern side; a few streets over. THese were normal kids...
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NOTE: This is telling me to work on myself during those times( if I could do it over as a kid); figure out how to work on what I want without these fake people around me. ANd Im in the same boat right now. same thing; Im getting better; enough to start working on myself and understanding Ill be doing the work of meeting new people and explaining who I am and who I am not; Im so scared of being judged because I have problems. I guess I need to meet the right people to start with that count; Ill have to learn how to do that.
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What Ive learned now; find the group of people that get me; that value me first; and then work within that group; dont bother going to groups where I have to work to fit in; that is silly; and they are lying to me. I have to many attributes not to be seen by people value wise...
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And there it is; but Im not there yet; I haven't even worked through my childhood yet and other areas.
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NOTE: WOrking through things will be a daily ritual; its the only way Ill ever get a life; by practicing.
So; Im slowly getting it; it will be awhile.
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ITs a good possibility that everything dealing with my first love; after the initial time period to ask her out; and that would have been in the first few days; everything else is limerence based; most of my life is limerince based.
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Generally with all women almost all of my life that Ive been attracted to has been limerence based. No follow through; nothing; and I want to look into that before its to late.
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NOTE: Never around any women I choose to like accept very few. Do not feel safe around the women I had to choose from. I did not like any of the personalities of the people I was being set up with or would date; rotten personalities... No respect or appreciation for anything. Nothing. Appreciation has been the main key for all of my life. But besides that; I was so ripped up and angry. No one to respond to it; nothing... ridiculous. Its like I came from another planet then these people I was dating at times; and I never really dated anyone. THere was no one to date; no interest; nothing. I have to look at that; What kind of people do I want to date!
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IVe noticed that I create allot of womens scorn when I with the wrong group.
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Who am I;
Video games
rpg role playing games and all the others; but more serious; serious about it; my hobby; my temperament...
Music Art
introvert; intellectual interests.. books... introvert first..
Being around the right people in those groups; not everyone will like me; the rich from the rich side wont. I dont believe.. they shun me... like Im trash; of course Im not trash. They were never friends of mine in the first place and never will be.
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Im a really nice person who is around the wrong people. Thats the problem.
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Ive also been not so nice a person and done incredible things in front of others; breaking my trust with them 1000 times at 10000%... unbelievable.
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NOTE: A new thought; Several years Back right before I would be working on the stuff Im working on now with relationship art and music; right before this I was on the phone with this women; shes intellectual... We talked every night for an hour.. And there it is; I mean; I had come back in a sense; The problem was; she was the wrong person and from the wrong group of people.
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What is the right person and the right group; because Im getting back to where I was years ago before I started the next section of my recovery work.
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So; Im starting to feel it again the ability to talk to Some one intellectual for an hour a night...
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I dont seem to have the right guiding system for attracting the right women; I mean that seriously. I think porn and where Ive been damaged; dissociative disorder PTSD; all of these things; avoidance; Im numb. I dont know who to trust; Im so tired of being around the wrong women. Im so tired...
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I just seems my worth has no worth anywhere; it never has my whole life.
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Something special happened today; I watched a women who is a friend at a speaker meeting; she was speaking; teller her ripping story from the past.
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I thought of people of my past...
At one point; I began to see myself as
1. THe best husband you could ever have had
2. The best boyfriend you could have ever had
3. THe best friend you could have ever had.
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This is the first time Ive ever stood up for myself in my thoughts like this; of this nature and subjects. As God builds on this. I know their is a reason for all of this new thinking processes.
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As for people of old; THey were not who I thought they were. They were 2 faced liars.. I was trying to build relationships with 2 faced liars.. opportunists... and I got nowhere... One reason I got nowhere; I could not sustain having any character strength myself...
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Im having a hard time letting go of those people because I still dont have part of me back to depend on or feel safe with. Its as if I went to these other people when young for safety and they turned on me... maybe they turned on me when they realized I was not who I appeared to be; I turned out to be a normal decent nice person; and for that I was eaten alive; I was turned on as a weakling to destroy...
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Jesus Christ is a perfect example... The story; He is eaten alive; what exactly did he do wrong!
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Im working around the same kind of filth that destroyed Jesus Christ... So... hopefully God will speed up the process...
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I want to recovery; see the truth as it is; and move on as a whole person.
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I have learned allot from those in the 12 step groups I attend. Ive learned that some of the filth in those rooms have the same countenance as some of the people that did me in when I was young. Im starting to possibly see a profile of the people I knew when younger when I look in those rooms now! Im seeing the end result... Its letting me know I never had any friends to start with...
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Christ is my friend; the Universe is my friend... God is my friend.... No one else... Maybe a few! Maybe!
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Some of these filth through time that Ive known; they dont go home ask questions about right n wrong.. They just go commit wrong and do what they want... How I ever got associated with them is beyond me. And in many respects; in their evil groups; decent people like myself are not admired they are shunned; just as Jesus was shunned..
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Wolves are looked up to; mindless violent predators are looked up to... THese are cowards; all of them.
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Ill have to work with God on all fronts... finding out how I can move forward...
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I do get bullied in these rooms; these are lawless types... I have to work with God on all of this to survive all of this... Im right where Im suppose to be.
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The number one issue is; Getting over my first love. Because I have found myself in times of prayer; saying her name in the place of GOd; ITs an example of true trauma bond. So; I was broken by her; groomed; set up; used; and somehow put her in the place of GOd. So when I lost her; it was like losing God( I mean this literally); Im not sure I even knew it until I started listening to myself slip up and use her name in the place of Jesus. Ive even been stunned when repeatedly calling her God... Meaning; Instead of praying to Christ and saying Christ at the end of the prayer; I said her name numerous times; almost like I was trained out of myself to do so; almost in full commited illegience. I was a bit shocked by this and concerned; certainly embarrassed..
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So; I've literally turned women into God; (Ive given women that much power...). I'm now getting straightened out with the right God hopefully. It did shock me a bit when I realized part of me; my wordly soul was worshipping some women as a true GOd... I didnt know that was possible to be groomed and broken into that slot; but it looked like it happened that way.
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Why would someone fool me like this; Pure evil. They thought they could get away with it.
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Im now trying to understand what Im doing in these meetings; without them Im stuck out in the real world with nothing. No connection.
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It seems I turn everything in a God; Im like a lost little kid that who or what ever takes care of me becomes my mother and father and God... out in the real world. I have no ideas... Ill work with God on this; pray to God bout it. I do not fit in out here. I have no idea.... I dont know; God knows; the universe knows... Ill pray to Christ about it and Universe!
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The goal for the meetings was to wake me up to see changes in my music Art and Relationships; Im now working on the relationship part of things and Im getting new information. Not sure where things are going. I know evidence indicates things are moving forward. At what speed; I guess thats Gods business.
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From watching a meeting last night; the Idea of being a great husband and a great boyfriend and a great best friend; I am all of those things; but I've never met anyone interested in any relationships with me. No one... One of the problems is; I'm a decent person; so at some point ill have to meet decent people; looking back; non of those people I was associating with were decent people; Nothing...
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NOTE: Whether people are decent or not; isnt my main issue; my lack of being present and being able to face people is the problem.
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I have to pray over everything.
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I'm assuming the people of the past were filth; that solves most of the problems I had with them. My commitment to them was a mistake; as they felt the same way about me; they were evil and wanted to be around evil; they were wondering what I was doing around them? Good question? they were worthless and glorified in it; Satanists love themselves; they love; they just love hell and hatred and lucifer; They figure they'll win in the end and gain all the gold.. What's interesting to me; they were never ashamed of it... I was the one going to them treating them as if they were nice people; they went with it until they could snare the trap... snare me and trap me.
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I have no life; nothing developed; when I think of life; I think of television shows and movies; When I stepped out into life or was forced to; I stepped out into nothing and what appeared no connection or sanction points to grab onto. I created a view of life from watching television... I have no life. I have nothing.
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In this state of having nothing and doing nothing and doing nothing about it; I then went off to new peoples places; faked as if I was someone established or doing well in life; ( A FRAUD); Got in with them; they dropped their boundaries and their guard and allowed the little child within them to get close to me and for a moment; it was working; but then suddenly I realized these people had worked for their higher position in life and were solid. I on the other hand had not worked for anything. I had no more of a position in life then an 8 year old. I had no power; no voice...
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So; when I would meet a girl I liked; I lied to her; fraud... not in a good sense... She would find out; because very quickly the floor would break and shatter and fall through and I would be found out. When this would happen; That I was a fake; I would be laughed at; not taken seriously and moved on. (No self esteem) By being laughed at; this meant this person was not sent by GOd to help me; It shocked me and stunned me. I mean. What if i met a young women who had been tortured and raped in a war; she watched all her family executed in front of her. Was so mentally ill she could not function. Was very seriously physically injured with remaining scars from the war zones she had to live through. And she came to me for help; And how did I treat her; I laugh in her face... WHAT? I believe in GOd; how could I justify this to Jesus Christ! How!~~ Its Satanic not to investigate a situation and find out the truth; My God; Im not a monster? Even if the person was silent and had no more voice; I would attempt to atleast get the persons trust and try to maybe send them to the right places for help! My GOd; Im not going to laugh at them; This whole society is becoming unbelievable...
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It seems I want the people that have it going on; but they have power on earth because they are corrupt. They are violent evil people and I wanted to control them; it made me feel powerful; I also turned them into real Gods. At times while praying; to many times; I would spit their names out instead of Jesus at the end of a prayer. I would say this this " In ________? name we pray amen". I might slip in the name "Andrea" In stead of Jesus. I would sit there in shock while actually believing I did this and Ive done it numerous times; especially with the First Girl I Loved when I was 14; the one who lived up the street; To many times I put her name in as GOD in prayer; slipping it by my conscious mind. This does make sense to me because I saw her and treated her as a God! But i didnt realize it at the time. I just though I was madly in love with her... I thought she was a nice girl; I WAS WRONG! Thats what really broke me; broke my heart. I no longer could trust the outside world to being decent and I could not longer trust myself to find nice people. I was lied to; I just never expected it; But why? because Im a decent person; WHat? WHat has that got to do with reality; its like; WAKE UP! I mean; GO to where enthusiastic exciting people who want to live and help others and give and be alive; find those places and go meet people there; stop going up to abandon places up the street with abandon people who want kill.
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I think my Television mind is more Television in my head then reality. Im always looking for someone like I saw in a television show. What do I find? I find someone who will play that roll at first because they are setting me up. Its as if I dont have to find out if they are honest or dishonest... as if everything is going to be taken care of. I can just hang out with anyone I want to and Ill be taken care of; didnt happen... At some point I got more n more involved with them until the trap they set was sprung and I was caught.
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Why am I making everything out here in life into GOds; its as if I have no power in society; no social power... I think this is what 4 year olds do... This is also what adults like myself do who want something for nothing and are gambling; throwing the dice one more time... and I always end up the loser. I will pray about all of this to the universe and Christ for help.
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Im assuming; turning women in to Gods is from my mother trauma bonding me when young; breaking me. And so I had to look up to her as someone who I was suppose to love but put herself at a higher level...
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