July 2025
June 2025
Im going through so many changes. Learning how to face whats happened to me in my life; slowly.
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My Blogs are about my first love. That is all its about until she is gone... Gone from me! From my insides... If I keep up the work with my higher power; she will be gone. I will have created fortifications in the hear n now. I will have created fortifications back then when I was actually around her in reality.
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I depend on my higher power for insite information and direction on a daily basis. I depend on recovery meetings for support and I have individuals I can talk to at a personal level to share more personal detailed information if I want to express myself. I can get a hold of someone if its really deep troubling stuff. I also use the 12 steps of recovery; writing out information on a daily basis... I use techniques sent to me by God to re experience old relationships where I can re write them the way I need to or express myself the way I always wanted to in a more safe ability.
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As I wake up from mental illness; I still have the mental problems; but im also waking up because Ive asked the universe to wake me up spiritually... As I wake up from the mental condition; More n more information from the past wakes up and flies through my brain. I dont own my own brian; its under siege...
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Ive given myself away to those I had to live with in the past; I didnt know better.. And I was 2 young.. unfortunately I was destroyed in numerous ways...
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I was abused humiliated and intimidated... and many other horrible things much much worse... Monsters...
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Today; Im trying to sort things out and work through things... and work through fake relationship possibilities and come through them.
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I was faked-out many times by horrible people play acting as nice people that I fall gullible to them slowly so they could attack me or destory me...
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The goal today is to work through what happened with those people; see what my role is; pray about it and separate myself from them; little by little.
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In many cases I was seduced or groomed or trauma bonded or completely lied to from the beginning. I never really knew where I stood with other people. The smart person or someone not desperate; would have walked away from them.
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The battle rages on.
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Right now; its about getting to know the information concerning my first love; what went wrong and how I can (NOT MAKE IT RIGHT); But instead; slowly slip away from that person and go back to where I came from... Disappear... I wanted to save that person; but their was nothing to save and no one who wanted to be saved nor asked to be saved; In the end; I am the one who faltered and needed to be taken care of and saved; and when the other person; my first love; the one I wanted to save; when she realized I was weak; she trampled me under her feet turned and tore me to pieces. In other words; she turned on me and her family laughed in my face and didnt take me seriously anymore....
I was in complete shock from this response; I just wanted to leave. These were not people I wanted to associate with.
Unfortunately I had been slain in love.. So; someone got under my skin; and owned me...
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I just wanted to be loved; thats all this is about...
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Its my job to backtrack and look at being owned by this person and the fantasy I thought I was going to inherit.. Instead of inheriting a new life; I was philosophically stabbed to death and thrown out; laughed at and left for dead... No one cared if they ever saw me again. I didnt know this was going to happened to me. It never occured to me when I first met the person; However; no one would assume this would happen them if they met this person for the first few weeks...
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Im not sure what to say about the first few weeks I met this person accept I was in the wrong place with the wrong people at the wrong time. I was not around safe people; and it is this very concept Im working with the universe. I need to be convinced this was a bad dangerous awful human being; someone to run from. Meaning; this person was evil; nothing more.. this person didn't have any problem destroying me and never claimed to have any problems. I created in my mind that she had problems and that she needed my help. Meaning; This girl and her family were just criminals and they were just fine with that.
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If I ever saw them again; I would want to feel nothing for them; I would want to feel sick to my stomach when saw them and that they have no power over me. Ive found when people abuse me they are made larger then life with power over me... So; I would want to feel nothing for them when I saw them; completely transparent. I dont plan to actually see them... they may not exist anymore... This was a long time ago.
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Im still in dilution about all this; and what happened and letting go... They burned me; set me up; got under my skin into my heart; and then pulled the rug out from underneath me and threw me out; laughing the whole way...
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I want myself back; I dont want to be a part of that story anymore.
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I always wanted to save her; that means; I believed she was a nice person who was trapped; Its not so; I was the nice person who was trapped looking for a way out of my personal situation. This person up the street; This girl; I really knew very little about her... She didnt have a problem; I had a problem. I was hanging out with strangers in a completely delusional state; thats the problem. I embarrassed myself; I was hoping for someone to take care of me like I was a little child. And I thought God had sent someone to take care of me and for me to take care of. I was in a complete delusion; 100%; Its scary to look back on. I was in no form in any kind of reality...
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I know now; she was not the right person to visit with the problems I have. I thought I was entitled to go to her house and have her like me and take care of me. Didnt work that way! I got flipped on my head; everything got turned around backwards. In a sense; she had the power; the power base and I wanted something she had... She thought whe was superior to me and everyone else. I didnt realize this. I didnt respect it; what it meant. And I was crucified for it! These types are murderers... She was as pathological liar like her brother and her father. Her mother wasnt much better... but they were well to do..... They had plenty.
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How did I find myself around these people; simple; they were carbon copies of the abusers in the family system I came from... the bullies or sycophants. Same kind of people that destroy and dissolved me.
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NOTE: Possibly; I was looking for my home I was pulled out of when young. PTSD> thats what all of this was about. As for the girl; she would be my new best friend; the one I lost when young... I was reliving everything from ages 0-8 years old. I think; I just wanted to go home. The insanity of going to a strangers house; This girls house; it backfired; I was destroyed...
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I was led on and thrown away by this first love; and Im trying to get over it. I have resentments. Its like pulling teeth; but ill get their; slowly un earthing un churning bits of the past associated with this person; one segment at a time; like undoing a jigsaw puzzle. Each piece is pulled forward; analyzed; prayed over and then the work begins; work to go over the information in detail; in fine fine detail allowing the truth to surface... Until that one piece is render'd of no power... Ive been ruptured; my nervous system because of this person; My insides raped; killed. So; I want answers to what happened here. I was not protected and not safe and never knew I needed to be; and that is one main problem.
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THe truth is; they never liked me and they never wanted me up around them or at their house in the first place; regardless of who I am or I think I am... And my pride does not like this. However, Ive got a real co dependency problem stemming from the abuse that occurred through my life. I had to be abased or I wouldnt have a place to live.
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As for the Girl up the Street; I was looking for an escape. Instead they destroyed me and threw me out. I got busted...
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So; I was use to being used and forced into places I did not want to go or be a part of... Meaning; I was a captive in the homes I originally came from. This girl up the street; she turned out no different. I think i wanted to conquer them. I wanted to bound them psychologically and this would represent over powering my original family system; i would be in control and could live how I wanted to; so I could be safe again.
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And some how this girls house ends up like all the other abusers. I didnt know that. I thought she was going to be my ticket out of their... or my savior... She ended up just another abuser; and for some reason; the let down; Ive never been able to handle it. ANd thus; thats what needs to be talked about more n more...
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Anyway...
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This is my number one issue... and Ill keep at it until its gone.
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One key is taking full responsibility for myself; working with God; I imagine Im at that time again and taking full responsibility for what's happening at the moment.
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NOTE: These people end up carbon copies of the death family I came from; and theirs no one to save; no one wants to be saved; I never escaped did it! I ended up back with the same kind of people I was trying to escape from. I was completely defeated; I cannot describe this....
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ultimately Ill have to pack up and move from the area completely. I want you to know; there was no God at first; but when I starting calling out for Gods help; everything changed; The family with the girl I liked; it all turned black like a satanic mill. The girl I wanted to save; she turned just as evil in my eyes; as if my eyes were opened; Things began to happen that would indicate I had no purpose or hope being in that area. THus; I ended up packing all my stuff and moving back to my home town... And that was a God thing. God would not allow himself to be in my life while I spent all my time at Satan's dwellings; God would only start to show up in the recovery rooms. Sure; God was always with me. But only in the recovery rooms where I sought God out of desperation; then God began to actively work in my life above board.
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Some how in all this; I got played. This happened right from the start... the first day... I wasnt aware of what was going on.
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I told myself that God had brought me this girl. THat was my first mistake. God would no bring me a situation like this; God would have sent me in the opposite direction; sent me to a church to start with; and then talk to the adults at the time at the church and get the proper help I needed... I would have never just ended up at some strangers house somewhere up the street... Not in this case.
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As for the girl; she would have had to call out to God and end up at her own treatment center of some sort if that is what she wanted.
So; I have to look at that fallacy of my thinking.
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I believe the small child in me; the little me just wanted to go home; I was pulled from my home; so I was looking for another home to be taken care of. I ended up at another abusers home; and I was abused; and dont want to admit it; thats what happened. I tried to make the abuser type person into a love affair in my mind. I was in a dream world and they could see this; they saw the weakness and took advantage of it and me... I was spun around her finger; treated like I was a puppet and then thrown out. I never saw any of it until it was 2 late... I just never thought that would happen.
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So; I have to work on my pride; dissect all that happened at that place; the horror of it; work through it and when its finally safe on the other side; or Im safe on the other side; I can move on...
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By writing about it and talking about it; over n over; and going to meetings with others in the recovery process; new clues appear from the universe; and slowly I get better...
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I was looking to redevelop mylife; save my life from the abuse of my past; thats why I was at that girls house; Instead it backfired; and I was abused again by more abusers and nothing else; I had to finally leave the area... But I never dealt with any of what happened with that girl; my feelings; knowing her; I just walked away; but it never left me; it surfaced and now I must deal with it.
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I wanted to stay in a dream world and thought I could go up around anyone I choose and walk right in their door and be treated like a King. Well; I got taken. I mean; it was like I got robbed stabbed and thrown away.. What was I thinking.
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Now; Im dealing with the aftermath of this. And learning how to work with a higher power to accept it.
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I still have much false thoughts created by myself with this situation.
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I turned this girl into a lover in my mind and fantasized about it.. Every time I was around her I was imagine I was dating her and she was my girlfriend when in reality; I was just a stranger visiting her house. I thought I owned the situation; it would go on for ever... and ever; like she was my own personal little TV set that I could visit when ever I needed it; Like I was in total control and she was my servant girl that I could call any time I wanted her; totally safe; I was in full control and power. She would be what ever I wanted her to be. I was the strong Knight and she was my maiden... All sent by God; thats what I thought. I thought she wanted to be my servant girl and my maiden and willing to play the part because God was making her play the part; because it was all in my parade; my play... In the end; I curtain came down; the play never took place. and I was crumpled up and thrown out. No one recognized my good abilities or talents or sensitivities; nothing. Im about to be crushed; thats all that happened. Im in a dream world and Im about to be destroyed...
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In reality; That child view of things was not a safe thing to do around criminals like this; They were more rich spoiled white collar criminals; sociopaths; the whole family system; evil sycophants... All evil; everyone of them...
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I tried to create this idea she was just like me; God has brought us together and I was suppose to save her from her evil family system. ANd I really needed this quest; The problem was; God never sanctified this... God did not sanctify any of these fantasies I was creating... ANd thus; I was setting myself up for my doom; and Doom it shall be; it did not take long for these hucksters in this family to see I was in a limerence style dream world; Dissociated from reality; and thus they began to take advantage of me.
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I claimed I loved the girl. But in reality; their was no girl; the girl I loved was completely in my mind and my head and nervous system. The real girl ( a complete stranger) up the street was a hardened white collar criminal type. She had no concious and really didn't understand what I was doing at her residence... I was not her friend. Why did I keep calling her; She wanted me to stop... But I didnt get the message... I ended up at her house one more time; They never asked me to come to their house; they may have been polite about it at first; but sooner or later; I was laughed at and thrown out...
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NOTE: In a real sense; I have a dependency problem on everyone including strangers and especially if they live in a house with a family; Because deep down the broken thrown away child in me is always looking for a home...
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The goal from God concerning this situation now; is to express it all; get it out of limerence stage; just keep talking about it and writing about and using other techniques to get it out on paper; getting me out of being controlled by this dream world limerence; come back to reality; that's the first thing.
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This girl was a criminal; nothing more; I have to get to a point that I see this monster and her family for what they are and get out of there... realizing I lose nothing; Keep the fantasies for my private room at home where Im safe; Stop blindly and gullably presenting myself to murder'rs as some other residence. I wanted to visit others and wanted others to sweep me off my feet and save me and take care of me. I mean; all they did was torture and murder me... Just like the Bible says! Nothing is new under the sun; accept that I have to wake up... Thats what Im working towards; allowing the universe to show me how to wake up...
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I spent my time around allot of murder'rs that felt nothing for me... THey were not really family even if I came from the same family system; They were not girl friends or best friends; the whole thing is a lie...
They will take advantage of me if they can get away with it; And they got away with it over n over n over; ( I had no power and knew of no other place to go)( I was totally alone). I was just let them; I layed down like rug and let them walk all over me over n over n over and I felt privileged like I was part of the family... I didn't realized I was in a limerence dream world; what was really happened; I was being laughed at and taken advantage of the whole time... And that's where the denial is; THe denial I have to work on; im working on.
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