June 2025
May 2025
Im at this place; Im heading to the later part of this concept of Phases; The main goal is;
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To set a music studio; my personal little music studio under Gods care. Slowly getting things in order; Learn to compose some things at various interests and levels; Work with God on how to get started again in composition and the type of compositions for live work; live performance for the very first time. God has followed through and Im writing some simple hand clapping etudes... Little tiny 30 second comps for clapping hands; written in notation I can perform in front of anyone spontaneously anywhere. Thus; a great way to get started in live composition performance..
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WOMEN/DATING/GIRLFRIENDS...
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The goal had to be; a great and complete understanding of what happened with my First Love; what went wrong... Who was she; Who was I... Getting over her.
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How in the world would the universe ever handle this; Well; THe universe rolled through this; I could hardly keep up. God Universe broke down giant Dam like walls in a day; over n over n over; Nothing stops the force of the universe; Nothing in my nervous system and nothing on earth....
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I learned all about what I needed to learn to understand what happened and how to let go.
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Now; Im working on the other part of things. How do I let go of the feelings I had. When I look into another women's eyes I could love; suddenly Im diverted to the memories of my first love; The problem is; Im not with my first Love; I would like to love someone else please. How can I do this unless my nervous system is cleared of the feelings of love I had for my first love.
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Most of my feelings for my first love were generated because I allowed it. I took a chance before I actually had anyone to love. IT all back-fired; However; I was in to deep and believed I had my soulmate; my best friend and my future wife.
Little did I know I had not procured or secured any relationship with this person( and this is the primary reality I fight with concerning this matter; I scream and yell about this ALMOST situation that occured but never did). I had my positive atonements of her brash lush poison I gladly drank that I may consume her internally; and I did; and then suddenly realized I had not established a relationship and did not fully know who I was actually dealing with. I had given my heart over to a concept and then over to her; and I really didnt know who this was.
Unfortunately; for all practical purposes; I had made a mistake; this person did not turn out to be the sensitive broken authentic person I was hoping for; Instead this was an Anaconda I had charmed into believing I had fully given myself over to her and I was in love; For this she did not bite... She bit everyone else but not me; What a nice Vampire...!
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NOTE: What am I mad about. No one owes me anything because I never followed through; so nothing really ever existed. Im mad about it and have to get over it... Thats what im working with God concerning. Certainly this is more then some shallow; " I have to get over it".
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Unfortunately I tested the grounds and found that if I showed any weakness she tried to compete with me to win. Thus; I tried to show more weakness to see her reaction; and in all horror and sadness she ran me over as fast as possible and lost all respect for me. It never occurred to her that civilized smart people to even think of getting out of placement with each other. She was mistaking kindness and wisdom and weakness.
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Unfortunately; I realized; This was not a person for me! I wanted a decent person; So I left! And I really never was the same; I never returned; She wrote me off as a fool.. And never seemed to question this judgment of me; she simply acted as if she had dumped me; moved on to better more popular people; and my experiences with her were for ever murdered and buried as if I never existed.
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So; In reality; she turns out much worse then I had ever expected; it stunned me that I had even gotten involved with a 2 faced liar like this. Spoiled pathological mean nightmare...
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I was defeated; not because I could not put her in her place; I could have done it one more time; I could have married her; but why? What for. I mean; Id be dealing with that corrupt personality for the remainder of my life; I refused; such people are not nice people and they are Godless; and that was as fare as I could go with this; I finally left the area...
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THE POINT:
My feelings for the concept of love; real love and to be in love and friendship and Soulmate and marriage; These were real concepts for me. Ghastly; I had mistakenly picked the wrong house; knocked on the wrong door; found the wrong person to interact my courtship- with; and never knew; not until I was so far into it it was 2 late to get out...
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TRUST;
I actually pulled the trust lever on this one and backed out... Ive worked and talked to God on this a thousand times; Its like Im 2 people; One in agreement of what I did; one apposed... One side saying wisdom prevails. And the other calling me a coward that didn't follow through to my happiness.
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Either way; Ive worked with God on this enough that I have not seen a sign of the person showing up yet; So; it doesn't look like God ever wanted me with that person; Fair enough. Now I have to get rid of the other half of the equation.
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The other half of the equation is the feelings I felt; the feelings I had associated with values I had grown up with. I thought I was with that perfect middle class girl up the street; And possibly I was... But nothing ever could have gone wrong this this went wrong.
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TRUST:
What really happened here. Did she break my trust... ruined everything as I suggest/ psychopath/sociopath/ pathological liar; spoiled entitled; lawless. No heart; cold as ice; Is all of this true. Well. Actually.
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What destroyed everything; My inability to trust. Thats all it was. If I had not lost my ability to trust in general; I would have married and I doubt she would have left me... She had been dedicated to me in many senses.
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Most of what I talk about concerning her is true; but its after the facts. Its all WOMEN'S SCORN; After the fact.... She had already responded to me favorably. Im the one that did not follow through.
Any human being can only take so much neglect; and she took her share of it; she reasonably moved on. I dont like this but I ruined my chances with what God brought me.
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At the same time; God moved me on from her. And if I were to stay with God; I could not turn God; not to someone who had no concept of right or wrong or who was evil... Were they evil; Seems to be! Thats what bothered me. WHat was I doing in the camp of the evil!!@
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WHAT AM I DOING HERE: WHAT IS THE BLOG ABOUT:
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The whole point of moving on was to start again with someone new; allowing God to come back into my life to do this again. ANd thus; Im working through it right now and Im having favorable outcomes... We will see... Ill keep working with God on it...
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I talked with a friend tonight; Im not the only coward under the bus; it seems many of us have thrown away GOd given opportunities sent to us by Heaven and maybe didn't even know it! A friend has a similar experience; Rich Girl brought to him as wife; father was a rich man with a wealthy business he would lay into my friends hands... With his beautiful daughter to wed; But; My friends short sightedness blew it off. He said he had ran away or coward out on many things in his life and thus they were not to be...
Im the same away accept Im putting a stop to all that; this time Im under Gods care directly; the next time GOd brings something good in my life; Ill be praying about it before during and after; This time when the train arrives; Im going to be the first on on board... Ill secure my seat and Ill leave with the train to my destination.
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Im feeling the extreme loneliness of being out on the edge of a limb; a branch and just hanging their in the middle of a cosmic night. Just me and the outside darkness; Its real lonely going through these transitions.
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Ive got a friend picking me up for a meeting; I wont technically be alone. But its a kind of alone time right now as I change from the past to the present/future. ITs fantastic but it hurts really bad; the sadness of facing what could have been but is lost... one feels all this; no way around it; just part of the walls one goes through to make it into a present life... I keep praying.
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A sadness that all of the new might be taken away; pulled out from underneath me; like ive got no security concerning what Im doing; it does settle in my mind a bit; a bit a deep fear...
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FEAR; I have the right to feel real fear; im working with God trusting God; and because of it; its taking me new a new directions.
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IM BECOMING SOCIAL AGAIN;
When I report this; Im going from an Offenders type personality; Think DOC! But ive never been to jail. But crime spilt over from me when very young; after all I went through; I acted out in diverse messed up ways... I began to turn into a criminal; It got stopped tho... I was a very repressed messed up person... Dissociated from reality; sociopath. My hardened background made me sociopathic like; I still had a conscious but was not in touch with anything; Im better now! Im allot better...
So; Ive been closed in; anti social. Now; things are changing; but it is truly scary as I open up a bit to the world around me and confess who I am and who I am not; I mean; no intimacy my whole life. Got kind a close a few times; one specifically; but it all came crashing down in disappointment. And besides my mental condition and the condition others I Was dealing with; One thing I had in common over n over when this would always happened to me; things came crashing down. I did not take God with me; I did not have God with me directing me. I was not on my knees praying all the time to stay inline with God to Thank God and Gods will not mine over n over n over.
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So; Now that has changed naturally because Im on my knees all the time anyway praying for several different things I need and want to happen all day long and the result is; Im under Gods care because of it regardless... I mean; Im working with God as a partner in co creating my new life; so Im staying in touch with God all the time...
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Im immature when it comes to people and social.. really immature; protective; never was in reality. So; coming back out around people again naturally; and thats whats slowly happening this time; Its incredible that ive gotten this far; I mean this is truly insane in a great way... its incredible. I mean; ive earned my way back from a completely destroyed person. Im still paranoid but Im also socially inclined; interested; inclined is not the word. Im not just allowing this beginning to happen and Im part of it; Im very nervous about it cautious.. However, Im just letting it happen slowly; slowly going down energy river.
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I got a ride to a meeting and home tonight and I could feel it; we went through the fast food place; and I could feel the social; I mean; I was becoming part of the scenery; only this time no parents or old family system or anyone from my past; nothing and yet; Im coming back.
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I do want to say; I mean; Im talking beginning here; I mean ground zero zero zero. It is happening; the universe is bringing me back... But I mean; Im at ground zero.
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The other problem is; suddenly I remember Christmases and relatives houses when I was a kid; Those subjects I closed out when I was thrown away when young. So its overwhelming; what I remember; but I can get on my knees to God and pray; I can call someone and tomorrow I can go to a meeting for relief.
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The ultimate social goal is to come back to reality so I can have girlfriends and play my music live. IT will happen. Im nervous about both.
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I did not handle rejection well when young; My mind was destroyed and I was never the same; the people who did it were laughing all the way to the bank; one might say; they could care less in the least.
What am I supposed to make of this society!
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So now; im more willing to learn that when I fall of the pain wagon and Im dealing with rejections of sorts; Im willing to learn a new way to get through it; get back up; and move on to another opportunity God is bringing me.
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The goal is to shoot for the target; but if I have no experience at it; Ill be missing the target allot at first; just like those before me. And if I stick to it and have support and A God and keep going; sooner or alter Ill start hitting the target more n more.
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