June 2025
May 2025
SO; IVe written several blogs on this subject of #4 but never published them...
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So; hopefully this one will go.
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Relationships; Communication is the problem.
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All of the relationships had something in common; I was completely dissociative and dissociated; that is the problem...
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I was not present and could not respond when someone gave me a request for an answer of communication; I shut down.
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In most cases; another aspect I have not dealt into; I was so dissociated I hung around people randomly with no thought of who they were; were they dangerous; toxic; the wrong people?; because I did not feel things; and I was torn inside out and much more dissociated from reality and trauma bonded then I realized now.
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NOTE: Ive always thought the Right People would never accept me without money; without some kind of middle class standing or success; so I just gave up on it. Maybe working with GOd; God can intervene and come up with a middle ground solution to this maybe.
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Problems in school; representing the work or activity side of things;
First; I could not function in school; I had been sexually abused and taken from my home... I never got to go back. I lost everything. I was trauma bonded abused and thrown away completely with no way back; I was so mentally ill; I could not function.
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So; this says allot about my condition. THe strangers I found to be friends with were hideous; unbelievable sycophants. I found people completely unacceptable by anyone's standards to associate with. These were vile people with no regard to anyone else and lawless, opportunists; they had little to no conscious concerning anything. And I was making friends with these people.. I ended up destroyed.
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NOTE; Let me say; these Sycophants looked and acted very astute and middle class; In many cases; it appears; leading to the fringe of upper middle class money... They were introverts; some of them; intelligent; seem to have good morals and values or sensitive. I was completely wrong!!!!! They were monsters; it was all an act; or they were evil people playing me the whole time; who thought they were superior and I inferior and they had nothing but vile contempt for me from the beginning and thought me less then because I had no business contacting a family with more wealth then the one I came from; They literally treated me like some form of animal from the Zoo; as if I wasn't human.. That's how lowly they viewed me; their opinions of me; and their opinions were solidified long before they ever met me. They thought they were of an natural elite nature and of a higher economic class. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into. And I did this several times without knowing. I met some of the people when very young and thought they were my friends; they were not. Unbelievable. So; buyer beware of the human race... These people did not miss me and wished they had never met me or were using me moment by moment when I thought I was developing a friendship with them... They were not developing a friendship with me; and I never knew it'; and they knew I never knew it...
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Back to Relationships.
However, here is my point; in the cases of women that I actually liked; I did not RESPOND to them; that means; they physically tried to get my attention; They wanted me. I could not respond; I pushed them away; they verbally tried to get me to respond to them romantically or dating or to become there boyfriend; I said nothing when I actually liked them. I did not respond; it left them feeling rejected and who knows what else.
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I could not respond. In the end I lost them completely when I actually wanted to be with them; I could not respond. When I attempted later to contact them; they were not interested; they had moved on... I was very sad and heartbroken as they meant something to me but I meant nothing to them. And this is another example of why I must verbalize with others and make sure Im with MY GRoup of TRibe; so I can find people within that tribe I can trust.
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I did not have the training or the courage or the experience to respond to them. This was do to trauma. THis means; I did not have the training to over come the dis connect from mental trauma do to abuse and neglect and being thrown away... Thus; with all this baggage and mental illness not dealt with; Impossible to think I could handle the complexity of getting into a relationship with no prier experiences.
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No way I could over come any of these problems on site; I had no friends; no support; nothing; knew no one. I was flunking out in school; this means I could not respond in a class room or around people anymore; I had been put through to much...
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So; What is the point of all this. I was insane.
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Im now learning that if I could have over came this and responded to these people; asking them to sit down with me and talk with me and telling them how I feel and how hard it is to respond and if they would help me; and thus take it slow so I could slowly talk to them little by little; learning to trust them and learning to open up; I probably would have told them how I really feel and would have ended up in relationships with them.
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I believe at least one was sent by GOd maybe. Ill never be sure.. Ill never know! but i think so. But what does that matter? At least it felt right; what ever that means; but I could not sit down and talk to the person and tell them how I feel or what I wanted. Thus; I lost them... It was like we were on a boat on the ocean and I got thrown off and they took off and left me for ever.... That was the cost at some point for not taking responsibility for communicating and not communicating in a timely manner.
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In the beginning of the relationship; everything was going fine; fine until I had to take it further with romantic feelings and commitment; and physical commitment; suddenly I shut down completely. And regardless of the reason; if I had been able to verbally tell the person to hang in their with me; work with me; I would have dated her and gone out with her and had a long relationship with her...
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I would have had to tell her I had no money; That also bothers me; but its true and if I liked her; I would have had to tell her... I have to learn how to do this. I hate having someone else have power like that because of economic strength over me; Being a man; that scares me; and it should; not normal.. But if I like her then; I tell her I like her... and move forward with her.
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However, if I like someone I have to learn to tell them these things and work with them. I mean; Its my response-ability and thats what was missing; to respond; respond-ability... It did not exist... And thus; no way an insane person like myself at the time is going to get anywhere with anyone; and these people were strangers; they did not know me all that long... I knew some of them a very short time... So; they had no idea why I was acting and not responding to them in an insane shut off manner. Most wrote me off as trash or immature white trash and that was that.
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THey finally wrote me off. Im so sorry... Ive had this happen numerous times by sociopaths are arrogant spoiled people; Ive been shocked by there behavior. And looking back; I assume non were nice people.
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As I wake up; Im seeing it; I have to respond if I want a relationship.
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I could go on n on about communication; However, Ill move to the next level.
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THe next level for relationships is; MEETING NEW PEOPLE: MEETING STRANGERS; Smooth connections....
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I have allot of work to do; to clean up and be a salesman of myself and be presentable to people to meet new people; This will take some work getting over my laziness... I gave up along time ago on civilization; culture; my country; people... When I didnt think I could get a life again; why bother!
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Now that things have changed; Man O man; have I got allot of work to do cleaning up.
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First; lose weight; Well! Just so happens Im in the middle of that right now; and the the first procedures in the process look fairly good. The mental preparation and food change seems to be working. We will see. "Working" means; its sticking; the concept of eating diet food and exercise.
Im on my bike several times a day; so; things are picking up; getting used to this new process; Ive moved into the weight lose process and that is the main step; THe next is to hold on long enough to losing all the weight... Not in that process yet... I havent lost any weight yet; but I have made the change over into new foods and exercise and the actual diet; meaning; eating very little during the day. Drinking allot of liquids...
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Next
Ill have to re learn how to be healed up around people and feeling safe and good about myself; Ill have to practice it. However, I also dont want to be a fake... Im not sure yet. Ill practice.
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Also; working with God; its my responsibility to find my own niche of people. Its not enough to just get ready to go out into the world. This time; I work with God on the kind of people Im looking for.
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What kind of Wife am I looking for; Im working with GOd on that... slowly writing about it. Im finding that I want someone that completes me where I leave off emotionally; someone that will be understanding to helping me where my mind is a bit weak... Someone who really loves me and is understanding to the realities of my situation. I operate about half mast these days. I have to have someone with strong women skills that want to help me through things I cant deal with; I am dissociative and all of that will shine through.
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She has to understand Im on a recovery process; if she wants to join me their; thats up to her; I wont be moving from GOd and recovery; Im inline with GOd to survive; wont ever be changing lanes for someone else.
However, I will be changing lanes for her in other ways that may appear that I have no restrictions. SHe just has to understand my stance on my life; it wont be changing; she is either sent from God and is right for me or she is not... The faster I find out; the better; Hopefully I can be my authentic self and tell the truth of who I am; thus scaring off anyone that is not suppose to be involved.
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The kind of Women God is sending is strong... I mean for her women roles in my family system; she would have to be strong; Im a mental cripple in many respects and she will have to take over many times and be strong and developed in strong families. The reason? I wont be able to function mentally all of the time; she will have to make up for it and understand it and also help me at the same time.
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I also have roles I will be for her; but God and I already know about those; Ive been there before.. I know how to love and adore someone; and I know the kind of feeling I want for my wife; we will see what happens; who God brings...
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I still have much work to do tho...
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Car
House
Money
Career
Vacations
Use of Talents
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I dont know; God will have to wake me up. Ill continue to work on pathways for these and all things I want to manifest.
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So; 2 areas of change; Communication skills; learning to respond in an appropriate manner... and learning to meet new people giving off a good light of myself..
Our partner
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