July 2025
June 2025
2 areas are left to work on for Phase 8;
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1. FIRST LOVE
2. Music Performance
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The universe is moving me along. Im heading down the energy river.
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Where am I right now.
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FIRST LOVE>
A. Still dissociating concerning her; when I think of her; her memories or her place within my nervous system; Its better; but at a deep level within it still remains un touched; But maybe not; but maybe so; much like a pond of water with only a foot deep of water.. And the child in me is still swimming around in it! And doesnt want to surface and face the outside world. The child in me needs to believe he is home on C street as a boy and everything is OKE! Denial...
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So; Ill work with God to wake him up.
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FIRST LOVE:
1. Covert Narcissist
2. Sociopath/pathological liar
3. Psychopathy
4. ASPD
5. Personality Disorder'd
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First Love conclusion; Habitual offender personality; no hope....
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As dealing with any Narcissist; Run and get out or away from them as fast as possible. They began the narcissistic traits when interacting with others.. They will always be a narcissist and always began to apply those destructive in human traits if they can find a host to work them on... they need another person.
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They are not faithful; They are the least faithful people alive. Thus; this is no one to ever trust or have a relationship with; Its important to use techniques to stop any involvement and push them away and then leave. No involvement!
NOTE: They are liars; the real kind; the manipulative destructive kind! They are deceivers; Its not personal... This will not change in them ever!
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In my case; They used the " Knight n Shinning armer" concept on me! They played the innocent broken lost girl concept and thus I would have a purpose; my purpose would be to save them and love them like a little child and I was the childs mother/father... They would be the most adorable creature in the whole world. Fierce loyalty bond.
This would be so compelling a situation I would be convinced they were my soulmate and best friend and I will be with them for ever; And they will play this up as well.
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WHERE AM I AT CONCERNING FIRST LOVE NOW!
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1. I know she has to go; And I pray and am working on her going completely away from me; my nervous system; my mind; and get out of my head; all of those memories gone... And I learn to deal with the co dependency of what I was hiding behind.
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2. I have a dependent personality type; And I was codependent on this narcissist; Im working through this. This is the biggest problem. Im attached to her; Im still attached to her in ways with no recovery un attaching me yet at certain vital lower level connections. Im still connected to her.. The more confident I get in the real world right now; the more support and the more I work with God to build a new life right now; a real one; the more experience I get; The less I have to be connected to her at lower base levels. Im not so dependent.
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3. I meant nothing to her; What does this mean; it means she had no feelings for me; nothing; no interest; no attraction. Its possible I was nothing; I was a distraction and that was all. And all the anti social behavior model that goes into this concept of using someone is an exact example of personality disorder'd in many anti social ways of her personality. The point is; the person is habitual. Non of this personality is going to change; if anything it will become strengthened and a full sociopath/psychopath will emerge. And later in time; she will higher someone or secretly ask someone to use violence to put me in a hospital or worse. And their it is! All during the time I knew her.
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4. I do not believe she was broken or any other nonsense I fantasized and came up with; She was simply a sociopath! And that explains everything. I was discarded... If I stayed with her; sooner or later she would discard me unless I was a lawless sociopath with no remorse or conscious; I would never last very long around someone like this; not if I found out what they really were!
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The goal is to become independent of this person; I cant say it any better. I have to work with God on a daily basis now to unlock more n more of myself trapped in a trauma bond by this person. I had been in many trauma bonds up to the point of meeting this person; this was just one more; but I was completely devastated.. i thought I had a future.
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The main problem is the slow returning to sanity and the natural letting go of this bizarre nightmare.
The goal is to see this person for what and who they are... And by doing so; and keeping at it; sooner or later I will come out of my denial.
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DENIAL: I got it bad; I mean; Part of me is dissociated within her realm and that part of me is hidden from reality.
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The Matrix
In the film The Matrix, the main character Neo (played by Keanu Reeves) is offered the choice between a red pill and a blue pill by rebel leader Morpheus (played by Laurence Fishburne). Morpheus says "You take the blue pill... the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.
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And Im attempting to get the child in me to take the red pill and wake up; Thats what im trying to get him to do; but it goes deeper then this girl; it goes back to the beginning of my childhood and Ill have to look at it for what it was and what it was not and all the hopes and dreams dashed and the small child within me cant handle anymore of that level of trauma; it is to much; he is already separated from himself so much Im not sure how the different halves of me ever survived up to this point. However, I would like a permanent solution to this scumbag nightmare narcissist the crept into my life; I want her presence in my life Gone! I would surely like that. But I dont know how; not yet. not completely; Im working with the universe on this; I align with the universe; the universe puts thoughts into my mind that help...
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So; Im getting their.
hope;
I see change from underneath by getting a new life; just getting a new life is strengthening me to let go more n more of the Girl I loved who lived up the street; my First Love. Altho I was faked out...
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So; I mean; a few more months? Im not sure...
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MUSIC CREATION:
WHERE AM I RIGHT NOW;
Everything is going steady; I do not believe it will be to long before I start work on my first little music skit of 20 second hand clapping composition I can perform anywhere. And I will learn it and go perform it somewhere! Not yet; that is still in the abstract stage but getting really closer to focus on! I still have to fool around with my equipment and get used to it again. So; much is moving right along!
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SELF EXPRESSION;
This is a new area; a third area;
Most of my problems in relationships; I could not express myself close up and around people and certainly around someone I really liked. That would be to close to having a real life or a loving life or happiness. I could never allow myself to actually believe that was possible; that would have been to much for me.
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Self expression; I did not open up to people to let them know what was going on in my life or who I am or what my aim in life is for. Or tell them where Im hurting and how I want their help to succeed.. Let them know where I stand with myself and with them and what I wanted and needed.. And what kind of relationship I wanted and how I felt about them; thus allowing them in to help... and be part of me.
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Because I never did this; I never grabbed at the ferris wheel when it rolled by; I ended up losing my opportunities with many many people for relationships.
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So; My goal is to practice opening up to the right people and in my imagination; God will take care of the rest and supply what is needed to fulfill the ability that when a relationship potential walks into my life; I am ready to recieve what is offered me.
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I got hurt by allot of people and could not get near people and thus could not choose new people and I could not express who I am around anyone. I lost my voice... I could not speak anymore emotionally... or any other way around anyone at a personal level; nothing. And Im working on that change right now.
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NEW RELATIONSHIPS:
New relationships depend on my practicing of self expression around others; learning how to tell how I feel. Learning to ask for what I want and to tell someone I feel about them or what kind of relationship I want! Im not use to using my voice; but that is what is next; the learning process of regaining my voice again.
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Being abrupt and stopped by people because they are people. to much for me.
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So; I know this is my direction; To interact with people again; And if I want a relationship with someone Ill have to communicate it... And this is the hard part!
Our partner
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