July 2025
June 2025
Im in Limbo Land.
However; I may all ready be showing signs of movement onward.
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2 main areas of the recovery world. First is the past; all the work looking at it; accepting it; working on it and throw it; On being a victim. Second section; On being the creator; co creating with God on a white grey canvas called; My new life. In the first segment of recovery; I'm a victim and I learn all about it. When a Paradigm shift occurs; I'm not longer a victim because I'm no longer in the past. I'm now a creator of my new reality.
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However; a place resides between these 2 movements; Limbo Land. ITs a place of its own stunning trauma. I'm traumatized because I'm no longer being traumatized from the past. Its a strange place to be; My body is in total confusion; it does not know how to act; I'm so used to looking back at what happened to me in the past and responding to it. Now; My energy is moving forward and my body is not used to this and doesn't know what to do; its like its stopped in a state of confusion. If I want to move forward; I have to work with God and prayer and meditation and writing up a new life.
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Another musical idea is to pick a synth; like a basic synth with smaller few octave keyboard and learn how to create the composition on that.
It seems I'm going through a beginning stage as if I'm like a bright 14 year old introvert who is writing complex modern classical experimental music comps.
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Purpose/Direction and the Mission Statement. Suddenly my focus is on Purpose Direction and creating a Mission Statement. Not a clue. So; Im using Meditations for Purpose. And Im praying about it. All ready I can see a bit of movement.
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I studied allot of this type of stuff from Success based thinking course; been doing it since 2014; Started manifesting stuff from 2015. So; I've got a good start on it. I've been in the recovery process for years and years... So; with this background I'm able to pick up on the processes of purpose; I get it. I've used meditation before; I get it. However, I'm new to being so close to the ground and reality and trying to find my way in life with such a focused intent; Here/Now!. I'm not used to this at all and my mind and body have stalled out; almost in a stoop'r state. ITs kind of catatonic; I mean; I cant move one way or the other because I have no forward development and the past is gone. And let me say that although most if not all my energy is on the present a clear focused energy line from my heart down the number lines in front of me; I'm sure other areas of the past; pockets are still bothering me and they show up; However they are not getting my attention; My mind is moving strait in front; not the past. But I'm so new to all this; I'm sure nothing is completely complete; I don't know. I did have a paradigm shift and moved into the present.
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The stunning part is; my focus in Here Now and its moving toward strait in front of me. I'm like. " my God how do I move forward".
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SO; I'm learning how people in my situation move forward; lots of info on how to find purpose on the net. Lots of stuff with guru's in the success based thinking movement. Lots of info on those wanting to get rich and how its done; How do I get wealthy like the Billionaires; lots of info on that and finding purpose is one of the subjects of interest; What do I focus on? This kind of question is answered allot on those forums or vids. SO........
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Right now music composition is showing up as a purpose; Now I'm learning about how it might be done in the real world one step at a time from where I'm personally at; How do I get started under my specific situations.
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So; right now; music composition is being brought down to a few specifics; I'm still not at ground level yet because I'm not completely strong enough in the present to be completely through with the past and thus strong in the present. I'm still in limbo; However, I've gotten down to a few areas; First is; write up the comp in a notation program. Write up each independent line of music with different synth sounds; start with that. When the piece is done. Try duplicating the piece in the real world with real synth for performance.
My music has taken a turn into a few new areas; First; Performing is where this is all leading. Next; things are written out in notation program first and practiced first.
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SO; I'm at the beginning of learn how to " Get an Impulse to go in one direction or another"; When this happens; I get the purpose meditation out or general meditation from YouTube; and I listen to a 3 to 5 minute meditation. What am I trying to accomplish?; I'm trying to get my higher power involved in all of this through meditation; also my inner being and the universe; thus staying on track. Also I will stop at times or morning and especially at night and listen to much longer meditations concerning purpose and direction; these are 20-30-40 minutes long.
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SO; where am I concerning music. Well; I'm to get a computer for music; a mac and get the biggest screen possible and some notation software and start writing music. And get creative. The " Get Creative Part"; I have some ideas; wont share them right now...
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I am getting a bit stronger for reality in the present; maybe a few percentages. I've got other goals and interests but I don't know where God wants me to be or what to work on right now accept some music things. So; Ill start with that. I mean; I've got a whole life to map out again..
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If you've ever read any of my blogs before; Notice in this blog very little reference to the past. nothing really; most of it is about limbo and my future and how to get started today right now working with God on my future.
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Survival mode;
something I've been in all my life and the Core of me keeps its walls up. I Justs tried to write a little practice composition and realized that I'm still in survival mode and I have to come out of survival mode; I don't know if that can be done; it was hard opening up to a composition; my inner Core is protected and is fighting all this and wont open up; it doesn't want to get slaughtered; so: Ill have to learn some trix and take some time trying to ease into this comp thing and see how far I can get.
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Just at a meeting and could get a better perspective of things; SO; I'm still living my childhood; I mean; PTSD; and stuff. Thats what's getting slowly worked through; and that's OK. I'm in both places at the same time; Fine; its allot better then before; and the childhood stuff is me in my childhood; not necessarily the bad stuff; just my childhood that needs to be experienced again and I grow through it. I've got God and meditation and prayer and recovery meetings and stuff; so; Ill get there slowly. I am suffering from survival mode; I realized in the meetings; the PTSD dissociative disorder lock me into time periods of the past and relieving stuff and that keeps me in constant survival mode. IT never leaves; Hopefully I can learn to take some chances and work around it and through it and learn to attempt to do stuff in the NOW in reality anyway.
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SO; I'm now looking for purpose. I'm heading into that realm; not an easy one at all but I'm doing it. I'm working with God. I have some ideas of what I like but things are so blocked.
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Anyway; I'm not moving into what is my purpose; I'm moving into the REALM of "what is my purpose" This is a big difference; vast difference. I have to get used to being in the middle of that field.
Getting in reality within the middle of that field. Thats the hardship goal; and it wont be easy. I can see the triggers all over the place; Ill do it anyway; Just saying. I'm at the gate of Purpose as a new realm or season... Ill work at small things everyday and see what happens. Meditations dealing with purpose; that is helping. I also pray and keep my eyes open.
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The problem to overcome is trauma and anxiety and being in survival mode. So; Ill tell God all about these things and work on things.
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Fear; I was on Gear space; for techie hardcore producer synth guys; The Real Thing; and I noticed something; These guys are real and successful because they believe. I don't.
I'm a mentally ill person who lives in a little apartment in a small town; without state help; I still could not function enough to be on a job; for many reasons; Just the PTSD and it always putting me into constant survival mode; thus my core will not expose or open up. And that's just for starters.
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However, I wonder how people get hope out here. I see horror in my mind not hope; anger rage; hostility from what's been done to me.
Sometimes I think I'm just dumb; stupid'r then others and I'm just dreaming; thinking I could be or do anything with my life. I just assume others are smarter then I am. And I cant handle there abstract thinking ability; they have confidence in there thinking ability; I have an imagination.
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I don't know. Something about people who go for it and do what they want to do in there lives; I don't have that; it seems like I just get ran over and feel like I'm powerless and always being held by strings by someone else's power. So; I just give up and retreat or I don't budge.
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I watch a video of a bunch of musicians who put together a cool video during the epidemic; Fantastic job. I spend my time worrying about.
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ITs so hard for me to break out of; others go for it; I want to go to war over what others have done to me. I don't feel like I can do what others do; Its not the learning; its the emotional believing in life.
However, I know how to work with the universe; so; if that's what I want; Ill work with the universe and keep asking the universe for help to get me back to speed to doing what I want to do.
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I see successful people but I'm successful in my own private right; but its nothing in the world. I'm a silent ghost in the world; and at times I don't like it. I'm not using my potential.
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People who have success; who have made it to a specific point or matured and grown.
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I don't know. I just dabble with stuff and then lie about it; tell everything I'm preparing for something big but never do anything. Ill definitely take this to the universe.
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WHAT IS MY PURPOSE
I'm at this place of; What is my purpose. How do I go after it. I'm not talking about intellectually speaking; I'm talking about Spiritually speaking; when I don't believe in anything and I don't think its worth it. The corruption in society and arrogance is so thick I just want to stay behind doors and never leave. I don't want to do anything'
I don't want to start anything and realize I'm a loser who doesn't have any real skills because I've done nothing.
I'm right with my anger or revenge and animosity but I'm not happy. I thought being right is being happy; but its different. Id rather be hatful against the world then face the fact Id have to practice at something to be good at something.
I don't want someone coming into my private lane and destroying me when I'm not looking.
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ITs a kind of arrogant cowardess; so; Ill start praying for the ability to do something with my sensitive abilities.
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If I do have any intelligence; Its not the problem; the problem is; Im not willing to work at anything in this system or around any people from this society. So....
I hate the place.... doesn't mean I don't appreciate what this place has that other places dont.
there's so much a person can take of being dehumanized and humiliated and then being forced to call it home.
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I've never been interested in anything shallow; Unfortunately I never took the responsibility to bring anything better into my life. Maybe I felt dumb or like a small child that needed help and I never got it. No one cared; so why should I care about them or anything else out here.
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However, All of this writing and exposure therapy that I do; I hope it will help.
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I am at the point of; What am I doing on this planet; what's my purpose?
I don't believe in any of this. This society or this life; its so corrupt out here.
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However,. I'm not living. I'm happy hiding away; that's how I fight back but then I realize I'm not living.
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Anyway; The universe has got to help me; help me to over come the obstacles in my path. And I'm officially on that pathway because I'm at that place in my recovery; What is my purpose.
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This is painful because I'm hitting nerves; I'm hitting fears and horror and hatred and walls and feeling like I'm chained up for life. How do I break out of these chains. I put myself in those chains to keep myself safe from this life. its no longer working because I'm at this place of wanting a life and I'm overwhelmed from the outside world; I feel like a bum/loser who has nothing; When I step outside. Inside my apartment I'm constantly working with God on myself and many changes are occurring.
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I'm mad about living in a society that is so corrupt its about what clothing I wear and not who I am. I guess id have to be rich to walk around in my own world as I am to be respected by other chosen people of a knowing nature.
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I don't know. its all overwhelming for me.
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Im working with God on; whats my Purpose; I have to keep my eyes open and watch for impulses that tell me things. Keep working with meditation and keep praying.
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