June 2025
May 2025
New blog…
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Working on 4th steps getting rid of those from the past… over n over; and then when that goes down; Getting rid of the other surrounding memories… meaning; the actual place; or building or trees and roads and town. The underline fear of those places that has stayed with me… And how I was completely played and had no idea it was going on; Just adds that much more fear to it…
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So; can see; getting rid of those places from my identity.
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Working on 4th steps with mother and father. Over n over over…
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Working on 4th steps on First love; but she is almost gone…
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4th steps on myself.
Here is what I mean!
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I have problems with relationships; I run… I avoid.. I jump out of them as fast as I get into them; or I used to; Im an old man now. And I look like an old man; So; have pure gray hair; I avoid looking in the merrier…
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So; Im working with God on writing new stories of relationships where I don’t turn coat on people have way through the relationship.
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I have allot of PTSD concerning time periods dealing with sexual abuse; most anything from later childhood into teen years and then more fierce bulling through the rest…
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By the time I'm 20 years old; I'm a 70 year old man inside and disabled; who cant do anything; I cant function…
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And now Im dealing with more n more of it…
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So; the work is on my dysfunction concerning relationship… I turn anti social at some point half way through and abandon everything; this is exactly what I was forced to do with my parents; it seems I'm repeating it… over over.
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I am working with others with this… So; Lots of work on this… Lots of work with others on the work within self concerning relationships…
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Its interesting to see that Its not about someone else outside of me; its about me. Im the one stopping relationships. However; what I have to do is; I have to work with God creating new relationships on paper and sticking to them.
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Imagine;
Imagine I create a 10 year relationship. I go through each year; maybe each day and just write about it as if Im with my ( A-girlfriend). And its everyday; until on paper I begin to smooth out the ruff areas that I was dysfunctional in and running; I smooth this out…
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I do this with everything; never finishing anything; always pulling back dissociatively. I can see many areas of growth where its about starting something and finishing it; seeing it through to the end; thats what I have to learn how to do on paper and learn to just stand my ground… and stick it out… don’t quit …
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And their it is; Ill work with God on this…
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I understand life is Risky business. So. Ill work with God on this; amen!
So; I start working on myself…
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