August 2025
July 2025
What Im mad about;
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For all my life their has been no one; No social life; no best friends; no girlfriends ever; nothing!
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Their has been nothing.
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I never got a chance; This because of the horror life created by the house owners; where I lived; I was thrown out of the family I was in at age 9; it desolved as the house owners had planned… I was simply abandon.
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Its a fluke Im coming back to some forms of reality now! I am; but its a fluke. I cant imagine many people doing this from my background.
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Ive had 30 years of recovery work; I had to out of pure desperation; desperation led me on…
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I can say with some accuracy; I had no First love; It was I that chose to interact with these strange people that never intended or were really interested in knowing me; they were never my type. I tried to push my way into others lives with performing; It worked for maybe a day or 2 then broke down. I never went any further; I never went any further. I never got any further; one reason; I was 2 afraid to ask out someone I actually found attractive; I froze up in front of them; I then later realized they really didn’t care about who I am; They replaced my efforts with someone else efforting just as fast.
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I would not say they were ever really interested in me; and they never put out any effort toward me. I had to put out all the effort to show up around them; But thats actually as far as anything got; I didn’t have the confidence to do anything more. I could not ask them out; tell them I liked them or make a pass a them; I just kind of went inside my own shell.
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In all reality; They never really wanted to be friends with me… I was barking up the wrong tree… I finally realized the futility of what I had gotten myself into; a dead end road; I simply sheepishly turned around and walked away…
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So; their was no real First love; their was no Real Nothing!
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God never told me to go in that direction…
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NOTE: Im going to have to sit quietly with God and Ask God; “ What direction God was I suppose to go in?”. And Im going to have to stop and learn and wait for that answer and work with God on it and stay out of it; stay out of the answer and just sit with God…
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FAKE BEST FRIEND: The kid I met at age 5; was not a friend of mine. I was 2 young to have a clue what was going on. No one made me go after or around this person. In fact; I ended up with other friends at school who lived on the other side of the block; the South side. I never needed this specific kid on the North side as my friend; Ive realized that for some years now; However; I was devastated when I found out him and his family had been using me the whole time. I was his families baby sister for him because I lived down the street.. Non of them wanted me in their home; they thought I was white trash. I remember the mentioning of this a few times when young; I just brushed it off; it was such an obscure idea; I simply didn’t take it seriously; later I will find out it was fully true the whole time.
I simply never thought like this; that I was better then someone; Not like This! Not like these people setting up innocent people to use them.
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It all makes sense to be now.
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I have to work with God to find new answers… I will look back at these times and ask God; What do I do about these situations God…
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I will ask God because; I had no business being in those situations with those strangers; that Fake best friend; or that girl… They had their own lives; I was dependent personality; and I was going over my bounds. None of those people wanted me. I might have saw myself as Great; but no one else did. I was forcing the situation with strangers who wanted nothing to do with me. And at this point; I really need to talk to God about all of this and Gods direction for me instead of this…
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I would love to be free of all this and well; Just myself again; Me and God. And I think that day is coming and possible.
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Ive noticed something; the people that like me and the girls that might like me; they are not the high falut’n girls I tried to go after or the smart kids down the street I wanted as my best friends; None of those people ever wanted anything to do with me; even tho I was more talented then they and just as smart if not more; but they never cared and never really let me into their circles.
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What I need to do; Unbelievably; I need to let them go and let God bring the right people to me. Not me GO AFTER anyone; but stay home; stay out of it and really work with God to be at the right places with decent people; nice people; NOT IMPORTANT PEOPLE; And just hang out at those places and see who shows up; the right kind of people.
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CHURCH? Never been what Im talking about..! Its always seemed a false place for me to go to meet really deep personal level situations; Like a girlfriend. Its more like an Event on Sunday; Not a place to actually meet a girlfriend… And it may not have the kind of people Im looking for. I don’t know; Im not trying to dis God here. Im just saying.
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So; Ill start by working with God for acceptance of what really happened in the past; where I had good ideas young; but I never realized them or self actualized them. Ill pull back; work with God; And kind of go with that idea; I never knew anyone from the youngest of my years; Ill start over as if I never met anyone yet… I can see myself dissociating already.
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Im not chasing after people… People of popularity or that Look good or sound good to people; or who have money and fame; even if its just local fame; Ill stay out of all of that; I wont go where Im not invited.
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Ill sit quietly when in doubt; ask only for direction and strength to meet my problems as God would have me; And Ill do random acts of Kindness all day long while out in the real world; helping others as God sees fit in my case under his direction and when I come home; Meditation and prayer and learn to get inline with God first before I ask to attract someone or something…
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I think Ive wanted my cake and to eat it to… And I ended up eating myself out of my own life or eating myself alive.
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I guess if I want; if Im in want; God puts me in a non popular neutral area; and I start with nothing and learn to build and earn… where I have no pat on the back by popular people. In fact; their may be no one there. Im there because Im suppose to be there under God; maybe serving others… And nothing more.
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Ill work with God on this.
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NOTE:
When the idea of popularity and people of importance and good looks and fame and money are taken out of the equation; Suddenly Im no one. And I have nothing to latch to. And it is there I must sit and talk with God on the next move and direction God wants for me.
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A 12 STEP FAMILY SYSTEM THAT SERVED ITS PURPOSE:
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Im where Im at right now because Ive completed the family system circle; Ive been offered the ability to be part of a family system; The 12 step groups; and Ive accomplished what God set before me if I wanted it.
I now have met enough people and women and experiences where one could say I can now re-set out on my own in the real world and do this real world thing all over again starting from scratch; starting from a position of non popularity in the world; and just go out there and start over… This time Im strictly under Gods care. So; no jumping to popular people or their money or housing or neighborhoods or anything. This time I simply go or start out where God wants me to…
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I believe Ive learned my lesson about rich people; popular people; good looking people; important people in the community; and so on…
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I start out as basic cookie cutter level out in social world.. Im nobody; unseen and God simply takes me from that position and builds something under his care of where he wants me…
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WOMEN; Sure; I would like a girlfriend; But I better get real about this. She has to look up to me and see value in me. That has never happened out in the real world unless she started out in a real lowly position in life; mainly because I was never anyone in any circle I found myself in; and most of the women I thought were eligible from those circles always wanted people much better then me. Or they thought I was someone else; someone shallow and popular or something; meaning how I was suppose to act; When they found out I was a human being; they got away from me like I was the plague… I was shunned and hated…. That means; I was in the wrong circles…
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So; I must remember; Im starting out with nothing; and this time; not looking for popularity; or popular people; Im some how just alone and myself; and ill have to work with God on what this means… and stop trying to fit in with those people and attract those people; It never worked ever; it always ended in sadness and betrayal and real heartbreak and horror… These people might have looked good but either I was never able to keep up financially; or I was simply not evil enough or evil to start with…
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THE PROBLEM: I have had no real tribe to be part of in the real world. I jumped to who ever I saw with the most stability; but it never worked. Mainly because I had to live there when they were just suppose to be stepping stones not places to lodge.
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Im not sure who I am or where I belong or who Im suppose to associate with out in the real world; I don’t know. Ill have to work with God on this… I don’t fit in to any places Ive tried before.
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12 step groups;
Im O so lucky I stopped of into the 12 step groups; for they supplied the family system I needed… Ive learned to gain the love and sister and brotherly care I needed to survive earth.
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So; here I am now; I still have no life or ever had any occupation out in the real world; Ive been locked down completely in my own private world.
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Ive met a few monsters and stalkers along the way as well; plenty of psychopaths out there looking to cling onto loners like me. Ive dealt with several…. One has to be careful.
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However; Im getting the greater message of reality.
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Ive been a closed in loner; all of my life; maybe I really didn’t know it or understand it… I stayed in my make believe world.
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Now; for the first time; Im working with God to just accept things the way they are; and slowly move outward into the world the way I originally intended when very very small. Before I ever met anything in the world.
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This time; Im under Gods care and prayer; I have to be….
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Im older but that doesn’t really seem to matter; all that matters is; Ive gotten straitened up.
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WOMEN TO DATE: I don’t know! Ive never really met the right people for this… Im so sorry; sorry for me! Sorry this worked out this way…
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Im a loner; Im not sure what I was expecting. I never met anyone because I never worked with God long enough to establish anything; stake a claim in anything or anywhere in the world.
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I don’t know…
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I never took responsibility for meeting anyone or setting myself up to meet the right people… Nor was I around the right people…
Nor did I have a real idea of being around the right safe people.
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I had my fantasies but non of that ever worked out; nothing even started from the beginning; they were never nice people and never nice people from a nice community.
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The people that looked nice and friendly and had everything turn out to be way way way way way out of my league. So much so; I was never invited or asked to even associate with… I was never accepted or liked by those people. Certainly this is a red flag to get out of there at some point; I was not wanted by those types of people.
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I was shunned and ignored by most others…. Or completely invisible; even if I had more talent then they….
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I just had no where to go…
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God did bring me to the 12 step groups where I learned after half a century to feel somewhat OK with myself around others; Finally being able to interact with others basically…
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As for women in those places; NO GO! Never worked from the start; never! Im just a simple person; I kept getting taken advantage of; or like in the outside world; I was treated like I was white trash… not good enough…
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It truly seems like Im not good enough for anyone to even be seen with….
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At this point; I like myself enough and Ive had enough success socially that it doesn’t matter; Im back together in one piece again enough to start over… This time ME and God… Co creating the rest of my life.
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Ive never really had anything or anyone… Sure; I had all the potential for it; but it never materialized; I never had a chance. In reality; I only had a TV set when young and the images I saw on it; I lived though the TV set. I had never really had anything else in life… I had nothing out in the real world developed ever.
And I still don’t; never did.
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So; I start over again; this time as is because I never really had anything else in any direction.
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As for 12 step groups; they will always be their… but Ive lost interest in them… if I need them; they will be their.
I have a meeting I can go to on a regular basis.
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Now; I just turn to God and ask what the next chapter of my life is… Amen. And learn to just stay out of the need for a specific answer and just wait and follow God… I have to be disciplined and carved out to follow God. I have to learn to let go of the temptations of the world. Amen… I have to learn it; And I think I am learning it.
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The cake Ive eaten in the world; that was offered me; It was always poison; thats all it ever ended up as.. Poison…
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God has told me; if I don’t like being poisoned; stop eating the cake that is offered me… Amen.
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So; in the outside world; Random acts of Kindness; I know what this means for me in the outside world; and its something I can practice all day long and I don’t have to be always interacting with people or anything; its different then that. But I can be thinking in those terms all day long in the outside world. Thats where my heart and thinking will be…
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For the rest of the day; My hobbies and meditation with God… and prayer… Amen.
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