June 2025
May 2025
The purpose now is connections...
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I have a set of specific connections;
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Wife
Family
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Money
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Career
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Truck
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Vacations
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Each one of these goals has a pathway tied to it from me to it; that is what is going to be created; pathways created in my higher power and me; universal God Jesus Chrsto.... Holy spiritus...
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The strengthening of the pathway is the goal...
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So God and I co creating my life together. This is for my future. And right now it starts with the continuous development and strengthening of pathways from myself to my goal; over n over n over; these pathways are created in my imagination; and I build on them several times a day; the goal is strength within them; to a point that no negative gets involved with in them; nothing. Just positive explosive energy toward my goals and nothing else and nothing else down those pathways; just their intent with no sabotage.
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I have to see myself start; walk through those pathways and finish the goal; the goal is the finish or reward; the ending point.. See myself in my imagination.
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However, a new turn of events has occurred; what happens when I go further then this...
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Well; in one scenario; after making it to my goal; I create another pathway tied to the original pathway and keep developing or creating it to the next pathway of goals; linking the pathways in my imagination.
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The point of all this; I have to do the work my parents were suppose to do for me when young. I have to now program my brain co creating with Gods help... Im attempting to re connect with society...
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I can see and feel sexual abuse abubers lurking; PTSD.. I see the whole time period.. Something I have to deal with.
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However, another issue as come up; What happens when I go further; When I enter the house or talk to the person I want to buy the house from or the truck from or meet the future wife and her family or maybe the business; I've found a problem as I get closer to this segment of my goals;
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I want to feel good about myself. I want to like myself around other people.
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I did not have the privilege of getting anything from a family system but fear neglect and being thrown away. I did not have any idea that was going to happen; it just did happen; it happened; they planned it from the beginning; I had no plan of escape; I didnt even know I needed to escape; but they did; and they made sure I was groomed into believing everything was fine; thats when they strike.. Thats the nature of the psychopath...
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So; Im on my own to relearn how to build my inner self back into alignment with society so I can have a life out here...
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Today this theory was tested...
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I asked a friend with a truck for a ride home; he put my bike in the back but I suggested we visit where ever he was intending to go first. So; we ended up at the RV store. While my friend was in the store; I decided to walk out side and look around. I walked over to the rv's and campers; suddenly a women appeared; she was very nice and friendly; she introduced herself and I introduced myself; she showed me around the campers; I got to go inside and take a look at them; while doing so I talked with her a bit; I felt really scared that she would find out I had no money or a job. That I was really not qualified to look at campers. And I felt this way for a while; but something hit me; something from the universe that told me this problem was the next level of my work; I was to learn to like myself outside in social situations. I cannot operate like before. I have to change.
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So; the universe will bring me new plans on how to change socially around others so I can accept myself and feel good about myself outside around others.
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Concerning my first love;
Concerning my best friend when growing up.
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God has continued to open me up and open up the heavens concerning situations Ive been in within my life.
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As for my first love;
God has made it clear; She was not my friend and did not like me; and that settles that; thats why so many problems arose. But the biggest problem was; Why did I find myself around someone that was not my friend and did not like me; that is the biggest question and that is the biggest problem and that is a concerning dangerous problem; that is not a healthy state of mind for me to be in.
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BEST FRIEND growing up;
God has made it clear; he was not my friend and didn't like me; and that settles that; that's why so many problems arose. But the biggest problem was; why did I find myself around someone that was not my friend and did not like me. That is the biggest question and that is the biggest problem and that is a concerning dangerous problem; that is not a healthy state mind for me to be in.
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The whole point of this is; These people could not be friends of mine; they were not qualified; and had no values... it would have been impossible regardless of what I thought of them; Impossible. They did not have my values... Who ever they were; were perfect strangers... I walked into the life of perfect strangers that did not need me in their lives... did not ask me to be in their lives.. I meant nothing to them the moment I met them. I meant nothing to them the moment I left. THus; ITs not just; " Why did I waist my time on these people" " why did I waist there time". They did not come to me; I showed up at their door step... They were even confused; " who is this person and what does he want".
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It doesnt do any good to find the absolute wrong people to associate with; at some point; its not there fault; its mine. Why am I picking the absolute worst people to associate it; even dangerous people who have no value for someone like me. In the end; nothing can come of this; nothing! God did not send me to these people; I did! And I payed for it. I have to learn to trust God and work through God...
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Im no Saint; However, I have to depend on GOd to stay alive and survive. God is my oxygen tank while Im down on planet earth... He is my scuba diving equipment while in this foreign place. I cannot operate on earth without God. I am dependent on God to stay alive...
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Why did I pick the people I picked;
I think maybe I wanted power or protection; something... I wanted to join another family to belong; but why them? Maybe Ill never know.
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The buck stops with me! I made the mistake. No one chased after me; I went after them... In a real sense; they were strangers the whole time; for they had no value for me.
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It makes me stop and think; What is life like without them in it.. Well; Its a lot harder; the fantasy is gone.
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Ill have to trust God to bring the right people; these were not even people... THey were monsters in the end; very close to it; I wonder! But it matters not....
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Today if I want something; I have to work with the universe and go after it... create pathways to what I want.
As for women who want me or guys that are my close friends; its a 2 edged street... not one sided. So; Ill work with GOd in Gods realm.
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I thought for a long time that fake best friend or fake girl friend potential; they thought they were better then me; In reality; they were not human and that's why they could not relate to me. No way they could ever see any value in me. So; out of the millions of people on planet earth; why did I pick them! I think I was running for security maybe or desperately running to get away from where I lived; I don't know. Desperately running.
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I learned a lesson; one cant blinding run into a strangers house without knowing who they are; that might work in TV land; it did not work in reality.
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It makes no sense being friends with someone that is not my friend and does not like me; that is ridiculous; its insane. I paid for this stupidity... And Ill pay for it again if I ever do this again; meet up with these people or anyone like them. I have met many enemies; and today I dont attempt to sleep with them or go boating with them; I stay away from them regardless. And Ive noticed many want popularity; those types. Ive learned to stay to myself and not get near them... not get involved. Im easily manipulated. im easily charmed. Who doesn't love the attention? I allow it to go on. At first i think the person is sincere. Suddenly I realize they are not; something is not right; Im being dominated by someone who is using charming to move me around; much like moving me around like a Christmas package. Its sad because I realize they are not my friend; just something using me. And I slowly remove myself.
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Age is a problem. Im around many people who Im twice as old... and so; Im not going to have value to them. They might be nice; but I must snap out of it and get real with it. I like being around them; but lets get real for a moment... Im old enough to be their grandfather. In some cases maybe older... and thats Ok.. its all good... But I must remember Im lucky just to be in the same rooms with these people. Im not alone...
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Back to the discussion of fake friends from the past.
I thought I was not qualified to be around these people; in the end; they were not qualified to be around me; so why did I allow people who were not qualified to be around me; be around me. that is a dangerous thing to do. And that makes no sense. So; I would say I had no sense.
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Anyway. The goal is to slowly allow this poison to come from me and let it ease out of me; all the pain of the past so I can come back together as myself. So I can heal...
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Im not sure I can handle anyone coming to me or at me and trusting it.... Im not sure...
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IVe had people like me; I did not trust it; so I dont know.
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What does it mean to have a friend. I dont know?
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What is a real girlfriend like? I dont know.
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Developing more pathways....
So; I asked a friend from the meeting if he would give me a ride home; he has a truck and said yes...
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He put my bike in the back of the truck; I said; Hey are you going anywhere; He said yes; to the RV store; I said; Ill go with you. So; we went to state line and there it was a store with lots of campers and some Rvs n stuff..
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He went into the store; I stayed outside and I thought; ya know; Im going to go outside and look around; well; immediately a very nice open friendly women appeared and she said hello and shook my hand and asked me if I wanted to look in the RV's; I told her I was just here with a friend but she said; Go For it and showed me around a bit; and it was nice; it was fun and I did OK; I did well. She did fantastic. She was great!
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THis is what I learned. I was getting what I asked the universe for. Going to an RV store and looking around and looking at campers with a sales person; this was the next step; The key for me; I have to learn to like myself and like myself from grief and shame; like myself around others; so hard. I always feels like Im never doing anything with my life but hiding and that is because of grief and loss and trauma. I feel so Poor around others; like; who wants to associate with someone disconnected from society who doesnt work and is poor. It seems like my whole life is in poverty and I cant get out; thats the way it feels or Im reminded of. However, Im know working on how to get out of it in all forms.
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Ive been creating pathways in my imagination from where Im at right now to where I want to go; So; what does that look like.
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Imagine a woodened planked roped walking bridge from one side of a south American jungle ridge to the other. The way it swoops downward when walking across it; the way it sways back n fourth from someone's weight when walking across it. The roped built side handles while walking across it; swinging a bit; they absorb and are uneasy and sway a bit; like binging on a trampoline.
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These pathways in my imagination; these stepping stones or platforms moving from one to the other connected like a bridge; like the kind of bridge-walking-wooded -overpass I talked about in the jungles of south America from the previous chapter; This kind of thing; this pathway from where Im at to where I want to be; Thats the kind of thing Im creating and strengthening in my imagination.
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They are stepping stones leading from where Im at to where I want to be; the end goal; all in my imagination; 10 stepping stones all numbered from one to ten; each stone in front of the other until it reaches the 10th stone; and at the 10th stone; is the finish line; the goal.
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Ill rehearse these things in my mind; walking on these steps; one foot after the other; from stone one to stone 2 and so forth; all the way stepping to stone 10 and the finish line; and then a giant parade appears and Im celebrated for making such grand achievements; all in my imagination.
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The strengthening of my pathways; these pathways from where Im at to my goals; that is the present goal.
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The RV Store;
Today I went a bit further; I ended up at a destination point. I ended up at the RV store.
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When I got to this destination point I realized it was one of those places I was suppose to visit; It was a God thing; I started out in a parking lot with a friend who was to take me home from a meeting; but thats not what happened.
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The social angle;
I talk about creating pathways in my imagination to my designations; from where Im at to where I want to be. I talk about this allot; so much; Im sure someone can figure out a visual for this. A set of stones; stepping stones or round platforms starting in front of me; if I walk to each platform I end up in a specific destination and thus; the finish line. Great! That was the whole point; the whole goal. However, it goes further...
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My idea is; within my mind; I have a pathway that leads to a new goal; lets say a house or a new car or a new wife or a new family or a new vacation spot or a new truck or gobs of money. It can lead most anywhere I want it to lead. my goal is not to fret about acquiring the end destination right now; Instead; I am to strengthen this pathway; that is all Im suppose to do; Strengthen the pathways that lead to those destinations.
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So; the next stage;
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Well; the next stage would be; after imagination it; Im in the house or giant mall or the potential of meeting a future girlfriend and or her family; families house or store or... OR resort or what ever it might be that is this new destination; And Ill have to talk to the inhabitance. Ill see people; and Ill have to talk to them.
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Ill see people and Ill have to talk to them!
This cant be like before where I didnt like myself. I have to like myself now. Im on a new journey and cant be like before. I cant hate myself like before or down beat myself or degrade myself; Im a new person now and I have to learn to act like it; learn to grow into this new person. Ill ask the universe for help with this. What does this mean; it means; if I dont have money and I dont work; I still have to like myself; I have to stand up for myself and like myself; Ive got to try... Ive been neglected and Im empty and undeveloped in areas and I feel scared and weak. So; Ill ask the universe how to develop those areas and Ill develop those areas with Gods help and fill in those empty areas with activity; loving parented activity so I can come back to life.
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What does this mean; talking to the inhabitance; It means a whole new level of awareness and recovery I have not ventured within; Well; I Was forced into it immediately at this rv place.
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Well; I Was forced into it immediately at this rv(recreational vehicle) place!
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WHat does this mean?; It means I have to like myself; why? several reasons; First; Because Im not going backward and im looking to create a new life for myself and Ill have to learn to like myself and accept myself around other people and not judge myself to death because I match up or live up to the standard. It means; something deep inside me must be put back where it does not exist... where I was torn away...
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I did not have any money; more importantly while at the rv place; I did not have a life style that was outward and active... And my secrets would be exposed if 2 many questions were asked by the sales lady.
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She was nice and didnt ask any questions; However; I did feel bashful; I felt something like shame. I felt shame; I felt ashamed(timid) bashful that I did not have anything; a life; money; and adult life; like Im a poor bum.. What have I done all my life; but she never treated me in a way to feel this way; she was very nice. Maybe I felt; Whats the use of being in these campers if I cant afford them or the life that goes with them. So far; God has not followed through with any money. Im simply creating pathways in my imagination showing God I want something to change. Or; Ive never ventured out long enough with any earnestness to try to accomplish something.
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I do not give the universe credit for something it hasn't done or something I haven't got. I did find myself on this RV site; So; I did allow something to open up. ANd I must say; I did find a camper I really liked. But; that camper would have to be pulled by a truck and Id have to have a place to store the camper... and a truck and allot of things; I can try or attempt to imagine it happening and me believing it. Ive had a hard time working with the universe on stuff like this; trusting the universe; I think its because of my up bringing; to many times my father took to me places and people and things that panned out to be a false hope. My father lied; led me on to believe we had money; and that he was in charge of his house hold; that I had a future with them; that he was a nice guy; that I had relatives and I had relatives that even cared a bit about me; they did not; they never wanted to meet me; never wanted to associate with me in the first place and never wanted to see me ever again.
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I might try it; Im not sure Im ready for it; a truck and trailer; I might. See what happens. Ill imagine it; create pathways to it; see what comes of it; see if anything shows up or any signs of something in my imagination moving in that direction. It takes time... same with money. I dont know; signs show up if If I take action; I dont know how to take action concerning money or trucks or campers; Ive tried a few times; it did not get me anywhere... I dont think? But then; that kind of thing; Im just starting.
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the shame has to go. I did not have the money and I felt stupid... really dumb for my age. Ill have to accept where Im at and learn to like myself in this situation with no money. And I mean that. Ill have to get active here and like myself.
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WHat is the solution for this; THe solution is to work with the universe and wait for the universe to send the plans I need to work on for this to succeed.
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I imagine being grateful for everything I have will be part of it; and a positive inventory of who I am. I dont know yet. It just was upon me. However, the universe is sending me a message; Im now getting hit by 2 different aspects or conditions or 2 ends of the same stick. I am to work on both ends of the stick; getting both balanced out and smoothed out.
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I have to feel like I belong and like myself before I actually belong to anything or feel belonging. Im talking about outside new situations; I have to feel marvelous about myself. I have to feel confident about myself and love myself regardless... And I dont know how to do that. I did show signs of it at the RV place when I practiced in my imagination making steps to the RV place and walking around; I just kind of accepted and let go and could feel the self love of this; but it did not last very long. Being at the place I want to visit is not the time to work on all this stuff; I will work on it before I get there.
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I continue to have new past good thoughts showing up; because Im hitting there frequency of reality... the more independent I feel in the present; its triggering how I felt along time ago and those better thoughts are surfacing as if they just occurred; and its my identity that is showing up; the segments of my original self that was dismantled.
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Car Insurance;
I'm now using pathway techniques to began to groom myself with the idea of car insurance. This is a hard one for goal setting; I have to take this really slow; say that word " CAR INSURNACE" really slowly. Once at a time; Back off; and wait. Then slowly proceed to the next step of saying Car Insurance. The goal is to do this 10 time in a row as I walk down a pathway of walking stones; each representing car insurance; when Ive walked down 10 of these stones; Im at the finish line and I get to jump up n down and the crowd goes wild and balloons and fireworks... Im the stadiums one true God for that moment. Then; I jump backward from 10 to 1 on the stones and come back to the starting position. I focus on my feet going over each stone; all of this in my imagination. Am I saying this correctly; Im creating steps to a goal...
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Lots of bad things happened to me in this reality frequency... this realty of Car insurance; a specific kind of dry reality... concerning reality; bad things in the past happened to me. However, if I can get stronger with it; its all the better because the momentum for car insurance will grow and the signal to the universe will grow and the universe will create opportunities for car insurance to appear. New plans will show up or the universe will simply create car insurance for me. It will materialize if I believe strong enough.
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Learning to believe means strengthening the pathways. I have to strengthen the pathways to a point that they are rock solid in my imagination; and then at some point suddenly within my imagination; car insurance will grow and develop in my imagination... and that is a sign Im on the right track.
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I worked with a person today; a friend. We discussed goal setting for a problem he is trying to solve; I did fairly well. Signs my life is becoming right directed. Im getting directed by God; its my job to open up to God and keep me open.
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Its like Im in surgery; Im the nurse; Im the surgical assistant; I keep the body cavity open; I clamp it open and keep it open. The child at the depth of self is the one being operated on. The surgeon is GOd. God is realigning me for society... God is asked to enter my body and pre prepare and teach it and direct it guide it and inform it on how to develop itself with God being there the whole time as the development process is going forth...
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God is preparing me for society; to be inline with society thus I will have success with society. I am giving permission for God to do this; I am preparing myself for God to enter me and rearrange me.
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My inner being seeks out alignment with God.. Always going and staying in the direction of God. I am allowing and preparing myself for God to enter me that I be aligned with my inner being; God is developing me to be aligned with my inner being and with society; the direction of society; for my survival but more importantly for my success.
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As; even a criminal in jail can survive; the society puts the criminal in purposeful forced alignment of society.
Im suggesting God takes me back into childhood and re programs me if I thus allow it. and Im programmed as many successful children are programmed by there successful fathers...
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God is the surgeon; I am the parent... or parents... My inner child is me who is helpless who is waiting for someone to rescue him from this world of learned helplessness.
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THis world of trauma rendered me useless. I and God are changing that!
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I have much work to do.
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As IVe mentioned; Car insurance is a great concept of alignment for society; its actually a very strong component for the biased argument for getting in-align with society; its a kind of stark reality.
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I plan to get good with these stark realities; learn how to want them and cherish them and take care of them. Learn how to align with them. Learn how to be successful with them and learn how to be successful in society. This is not easy.
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Im pre paving my interest in society; in the things of society.
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Im finding I was always alone; I never made the friends I thought I did; I had nothing and then was pulled out of my personal life on purpose. So; Im trying to get my life back.
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My recovery process is not about intelligence; its about experience. Im gaining spiritual experience that leads me to practical knowledge on how to stay alive. Im gaining reasons to be alive.
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I will continually run these pathways through my head everyday of the basic alignments for society as its being directed by me from my inner being;
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Wife
Family
House
Truck
Car insurance/Gasoline
Money
Career
Vacations
Hobbies
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Hobbies; Ive all ready got hobbies... Im working on them; However, I need the continuous work of opening up hobby development...
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Goals are important and the support for the process of goal thinking.
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12 step groups; These are important to take a sick person like myself; spiritually bankrupt person and clean me up and get me set up with my guidance system and the universe God; or who ever I chose to call God; learning how to work on resentments and many other things; Most importantly Im not alone...
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I have allot of inner programming to do in order to strengthen my positions for interests in society.
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Allot of this work is about become re interested and enthusiastic about being in society.
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When my heart is broken; I no longer have any interest in society or anything else.
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Unfortunately for me; I found monsters that break hearts and more then that... FOr some reason I thought I would be safe in there arms or there houses; I believe I was simply looking for my psychopathic parents in others... THe problem was; I had no idea I was doing this; it seemed normal for me..
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I found a striking problem. Those I sought out that I gave so much credit ; They did not love me. I loved them and I assumed they loved me. They did not! THey felt nothing; and that was the final smash... However, it was the final correction when I was able to accept it. I had made a mistake; an innocent naïve mistake. I thought because I had aligned with certain people that they must have been on my side; They were not; I aligned with the wrong people but never knew it. I didnt even question it until it was 2 late.. And then it was like being hit by a freight train... a couple of times. The people I thought were my friends were not. THey were strangers; strangers wondering why I had shown up to their doors and wondered what exactly I wanted from them; they were not capable of giving me anything. They had their own lives and had no interest in me or giving anything to me. They played me for a while and then tossed me. I did not understand. I thought God has sent them to me. But in reality; God had sent no one to me! Why would God send me Godless people to connect with; what for. God would send me God filled people; However, I never trusted that; I always saw those people as middle class'rs; wolves in sheeps clothing. Im from the trauma tribe; trauma class; I dont want to talk about my problems or solutions with middle class'rs who know nothing... That is a waist of time...
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I had to have God in me to be sent to God people. I was looking for GOd; and I ended up at the wrong door steps. Looking back at my childhood in my original neighborhood; I would have gotten along just fine without ever meeting that fake best friend; sure; we did allot of stuff together on Saturdays and Sundays and after school; but that was my planning; not his. I could have done that with anyone. And God is leading me more n more to understand this; also; that when young; to talk to teachers and get involved in school socially... I was so alone and never knew it. In fact; the fake best friend I had; I may have been more used by him and his family then I realized; completely used the whole time. They were never safe to associate with in the first place.
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Im not going to the rich to discuss what goes on in the streets; if I want to know what is going on in the streets; Ill talk to the street people. The rich have no investment to talk to me strait-up when I speak with them; no consequence if they lie to me; its all fun n games for them; they lose nothing to play me and throw me away...
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God is the center vocal point...
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Even the people I work with and help these days; they seem only called from the recovery process; Its not someone from the streets or a broken middle class'r in a dissatisfied life. I meet them the people I help when they make it to places for people seeking help.
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I dont want to play my banjo to loudly at first; I dont know much if anything about anything. I do know to follow instructions coming from the universe; thats all Im saying or doing; learning how to follow instructions.
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Ive had to do everything completely alone. I have no one from the past. Ive had to keep most of my real intent of inner growth to myself. Ive been able to use code words and phrases and things to others in order to get the recovery I need. Ive gotten the intention or attention Ive needed somewhat at a general format; However, No one really knows me.. Yet; I am getting better.
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Im getting to the point that; my inner self; inner child is getting stimulated again; getting walked through; noticed; opened up and worked on... Im not getting neglected because Im starting to not neglect myself.
Also; Im more present to take care of myself instead of always being stuck looking back at how others never took care of me... PTSD controls a person from being able to move; its constant surveillance and freeze mode and survival mode. ITs like being in a striate jacket.
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So; Im getting better. Im feeling more present; that was the goal. I want to slowly come out of the past into the present and start over and that is what is happening.
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Ill keep working with my goals and pathways to my intentions.
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