June 2025
May 2025
Im looking to finally break through music creation and performance...
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I broke through concerning First Love; what happened; and finally letting it go at several different levels; Finally from the Universe; It was removed from my heart.. Its a hollow rounded area; she is no longer in my heart.. its empty space where she used to be installed. Now the universe had Uninstalled her...
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It still aches in my nervous system. But theirs no purpose or area driving it. I think with time my nervous system will mellow out as this person does not exist anymore within me. My thoughts still think of her; but not really; No real heart pushing anything... and my nervous system still triggered but no real heart behind it. So; its kind of dead spaced; haunted derelict memories within my nervous system reacting to my thoughts; but no content; the content is uninstalled (its gone) the universe has done its work and this situation is gone... So; the poison is still in my nervous system and my thoughts still defense-think. However, at some point I continue to get stronger and my heart will fill in by the universe and real love aligned with the universe; not some pathological fraud creator liar sociopath whos out to rape and murder people... So; the universe got me out of there... So; Now its about working with the universe and building a new life... I was trauma bonded by this monster; and I lost my strength and myself ( My identity). So; that is horrible and not good... sickening; ######6 psychopaths...
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As for women; Ill be working with the universe to move on now; and look at meeting new people.
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MUSIC;
I assume I like music and like to create it; but I hate making any investment in it and being exposed because of it. I seem to have allot of other personalities from my past involved in this; either abusers Im trauma bonded to; or; people I could never be enough; So I either feel music is stupid for loser fools who cant do anything else with their lives; lowest place on the totem pole or Im not intelligent enough or mature enough or memorization stuff; cant do it; its to complex for me. Cant take responsibility for anything; being responsable or present.
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NOTE: I seem to want to skip the hard work involved in a thing...
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I seem to hate making it; maybe its the content; its a data based content and not hands on real content like a house. I want something to show for it. Or maybe whats missing is; Im not building anything else real in my life and Im completely depending on music for fulfill everything.
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NOTE: I seem to hate being forced to do anything against my will. I feel like someone forcing me to make music is slavery; and thats how I feel; like its not private and its not mine... So; maybe Ill have to start by creating really strange wild stuff; so it feels like me... like its my own creation. Not worry about it fitting into anything other then what I want to make...
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And I dont see any really good performance thoughts; I only see; my God; I have to have all this stuff memorized or Ill make mistakes in front of others and never be asked to come back... That kind of thing.
Or Im a loser in the park on a platform performing music; much like a juggler with no job.
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Little do I feel happy; I just feel hatred and fear... fear of attack and judgment...
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So; no tolerance for putting myself out where it feels like a giant test in front of the public...
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I might right up some good stories; good feeling stories about performing live.
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This is a real problem because id have to create and read and memorize music and thats allot of work; and for what; to perform.; well; I guess I would like to; maybe I dont believe or wont allow myself to see myself doing these things; these areas were shut off by abusers when young and its all trauma and humiliation stuff...
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So; it all feels like a Burden or a chore. I feel like Im forced to expose myself to the world where I will be destroyed.
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SOLUTIONS:
Prayer and meditation; new concepts or ideas...
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Im all ready getting some new thoughts; I saw an Episcopal church; meaning a place to play. Im not sure if playing in an actual church is what that is about or it means; pick a place of safety; at least for the beginning of my performance interests...
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As for writing music to perform. Ill pray about it
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NEW THOUGHTS:
First; create something an perform it in highly protected environments... THis means with a few people I have chosen to be part of the audience. Research what that means to me; Let the universe help decide.
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Millions of places in the world to perform music... Millions of them to bring in a guitar or keyboard and Portable PA and laptop.... SO...
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Im seeing educated people; Im seeing Anthropology; Im seeing a Zoo... Something holsum.
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So; ideas are coming to me.
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Im seeing those Saturday morning food markets...
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So; when it comes to music; I see several pictures of people that I was not good enough for; and they are controlling me; its almost like abusers who crossed into my lanes and have captured me; Im captive... and I feel captive when I play; not in control of my own safety or destiny... Ill pray about it...
What would I like to become; a music creator with traditional writing style.. writing works that are practiced...
I see classical music. Its frustrating... To put inner and outer worlds together. Im like waiting on God...
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SOLUTIONS: Im getting the message from God concerning the solutions; I dont like them but they make sense. Since I have no experience at anything; I would go around and create one compositions; I would find a piano somewhere and play that one not composition written out; do several hundred of these; keep a log on it. Start with this that; then move on to 2 notes and so one.
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ART; I can do the same thing with art; Tiny pictures; pin then up on different things and place; several hundred in the outside world.
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WRITING: Stories; same thing; Not sure; maybe tell people; resite my little stories; try that... to start with .. We will see.
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Humility; Its a kind of service position. One is being trained and then giving something away... so; I dont like the idea of giving something away...
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