June 2025
May 2025
Most of; if not all of the problems I'm facing concerning the past is trauma bond + delusional thinking.
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I was trying to play the big shot and it fell through. I mean; they didnt need me and I was lying.
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I had values; but no money or what ever it was that made those society people better than me. I thought I had their values; to my shock; Im not sure these people had any values. They certainly did not see any quality in me; nothing. and I did not understand this until it was way to late.
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These were not my friends.
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I'm trying to keep out the. I'm jealous and mad because they had more then me and I'm angry now. I feel less then and I have envy or want to get even for being played like a victim. I never saw it coming.
I was living in my own dream world and didn't know I didn't fit in.
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I have my own worth and my own values and these type people; as hard as it is to say; wanted nothing to do with me because they economically didn't have to.
This new aspect is very important; I thought they had my values! Why; because I was an appreciate good person! or wanted to be... wanted to learn how to be. They did not have my values; nothing.
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They had a different cultural set of values concerning their economic status within the city. I knew nothing about this. Nothing. If I had known; I would have never approached these people; but I would never approach anyone again like I did here. I made such a blunder...
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I have good values but why would these strangers care; its like I self evaluated me and then moved in for the kill. I decided I was good enough to be friends with them. Wai! isn't that there decision. I mean. Why would I have to evaluate in the first place, Just because I have some decent values; why would that matter to a bunch of strangers... big big mistake on my part.
The girl up the street; My first love
The guy up the street; my best friend.
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In both these cases; the same problem; Trauma bond and mental illness from my parents treatment and neglect and betrayal and being thrown away and delusional thinking; to much trauma took me out of reality; my only interest is getting a family back and wanting help and demanding the world take care of me; and I was in survival mode and desperate.
In both cases; these are strangers. I was never invited to there homes; I invited myself in basic ways in both cases.
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Looking back on it; I was desperate.
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The key to resentment work is; to finally display what my role is in it with no one else's name attached.
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So; with that. that means; these people were polite when I presented myself to them. They were strangers. I was not nice; I was pushy and had an agenda against these strangers.
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I was quiet; I was manipulative; I had an agenda... I didn't care who they were; I wanted to survive.
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I thought it need to have a best friend; I never bothered to ask the other person if they thought the same. And there is the major problem. I pushed myself on to people out of desperation and thought they were suppose to automatically be part of my agenda or wishes. This is a most horrible thing because it means I give myself away to strangers who not only don't appreciate my pushiness to be in there lives; but knowing nothing about these people; I take a chance on depending on people with my personal stuff I know very little about; meaning; I don't even know if they are on my side. I don't
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I blamed these people for not being who I wanted them to be. And it really hurt and rocked my boat. However, I never told them the truth. And beyond that; in a sense I was selling something to them and did not tell them. I had an agenda...
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In a sense I was selling something to strangers. They didn't even know who I was or why I was there; hanging around; Had no idea. I mean; I never told them what I wanted or why was around them.
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They both ended up not liking me or appreciating me or wanting to be friends with me. They never wanted to in the first place; and they never tried to; I'm the one that tried. Some one led me on? Well; not exactly; not at all.
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I'm not the victim here; I'm the victimizer. I picked to seamlessly innocent people; who knew nothing about me... and I with force or aggressiveness of a sales nature; worked my way into there lives. No one said these were people who would understand me. In fact; looking back on it. I wonder how weird and strange it was for these people to see this foreign person in their back yard or kitchen or living room ever other night.
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These people were not the type to need friends; in fact I actually crashed the party you might say; just kind of showed up and suddenly expected them to act like family and take care of me. I was an intruder; and I used sales techniques to get in the door before it was closed on it.
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These people did not need a salesman nor a friend; they were just fine before they ever met me and I became a kind of Nuisance and I imagine a strain to these people; never wanted me invited me into there lives; I'm sure they felt put upon and used or wondering what this stranger person is doing in there house hold. Did someone move in?
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I meant nothing to these people. Why would I. I was a complete stranger and remained so. I mean; I was no friend of theirs. They did not consider me a friend of there's.
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I was not a friend of theirs. No one ever came to me and told me they thought of me as a friend or anything else. They had no feelings for me before I met them; they did not have feelings for people like me in the first place.
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I was a stranger that suddenly moved in; one might say; and they were in panic mode; they didn't know what to think or what to do with me; metaphorically speaking. I didn't actually move in with them; However, it was the same thing; suddenly it was like I've got these knew families I can hang out with; but it wasn't hanging out; I was looking for all new families to take care of me.. I didn't care who they were. I mean; I was an opportunist.
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I remember right from the start; they thought I was white trash or my family white trash; took me off guard; never understood that. I mean; it shocked me. What was really being said was; They wanted me to leave; they weren't the type to be around someone like me. They were not my friends and never claimed they ever wanted to be. what they wanted was for me to leave...
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I basically found strangers and took them hostage. These were not the type of people for this type of thing. They didn't need friends. They were fine..
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In a real sense; I went to the wrong house... or houses; wrong people... and that really slaps me in the face because its true. its like these were not the people God wanted me to meet; they were strangers on the other side of the neighborhood. They weren't even in my neighborhood...
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They were polite at first; but after awhile and kept showing up; they started to get offended.
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As for my role in this; meaning; having feelings for people; best friend or in love with girlfriend type thing...
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It was hard being slammed by these people. I thought I was good enough; I wasn't. If one can say this correctly. These are not the type of people who want me. These are not the type of people that will ever seek me out or see any value within ever. Never! Okay; they are evil I guess. Sure! is it really any of my business. No; My business is to get on with God and find out what direction God wants me to go in.
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I was going to say I waisted my time with those people; but actually; I was never invited in the first place. So; I had no business with them in the first place; who's fault is that! there's or mine.
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So; I left alone with God. Socially; I have to remember; its a slam but I cant let it bother me. ITs not personal. I just isn't; I take things back to God. Maybe I was looking for economic security through these people; successful people.
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I guess Ill have to become successful if I want success; between me and God. I know I'm a decent person and have to work with God to be around the people God wants me to be around. When young they wanted nothing to do with me; no one did.
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These special friends were different to me; they lived by my neighborhood; I had no idea they lived in a different neighborhood then me; but they did,. I thought I was accepted and felt safe and secure and at home. In reality; never happened. And I never knew. I thought; I'm a nice person; they will think so also. But they were the wrong kind of people for that. And I have to politely learn to take my hat off an bow and thank them for there time and be on my way. God will supply the kind of people that appreciate me; and appreciate having me around. And are people of worth.
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These people I'm talking about in this blog were Wier do's. I mean; They belong to an elitist kind of people. And that's really non of my business. Is that what I was looking for. What was I looking for.
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Now; I've got to take this to God and get some help to understand where I fit in where its safe and I can develop-... Obviously it wasn't around these people or these type of people.
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In fact; these people end up different then I. Different out look on life. I didn't realize any of that.. I never thought about before. So;
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HEre4s the deal; its about my self worth and who defines it. In all reality; its not personal what these people did; they were strangers trying to protect themselves from a strange person who wanted to hang around them.
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I was defining myself based on being accepted by these people and if they did; I felt totally at home and secure; because it meant quality people liked me... the way it should be. However, they never ended up being the kind of decent kind hearted people I thought they were. They were as cold and brutal as anything evil; never even thought about it before.
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I had to leave and I felt less then and like a fool; a failure; so I have to take it back to God and hold my value; and today I can do this; for it was an innocent mistake on both sides. I mean; they didn't know what they were getting... They had no idea who I was; and we had different values.
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I wasn't basing anything on values; I wasn't honest. I wanted my cake and eat it to. And it didn't work...
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In fact; when given the chance; those people ran away from me as fast as possible.
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Ill have to talk to God about this and my value and who in this world is like me and what a guy like me is suppose to do with his life and where I'm suppose to fit in.
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Allowing these people to slam me or de value me was a kind of worthless thing on my part. I mean; I feel like someone who was trying to get away with something and I got caught; that's what it felt like; what happened. I was never valued. I was never asked to join in the first place.
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ITs a bit slam; I learned a lesson; the key lesson is to know my worth; work with God and not put it in the hands of the wrong people by choice. These people never ran up to me and tried to steal my value; I ran to them for acceptance and I found myself with the completely wrong set of people for my situation. So; who or what would have been the right people. Maybe teachers so I could have gotten better grades or councilors or;... I don't know. Ill pray about it.
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Looking back; If I would have walked by those people in a hallway; they would have never said a thing to me; I would have been a perfect stranger and that exactly how I ended up...
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The key is God. take all things to God understand as I wake up; I have to take things to a different direction. I mean; what I need and where and who I need to be around for my life is not sometimes as things appear in the outside world.
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The key is to work on my worth and fitting in to great people and places and things who see my worth for who I am with no prejudice
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I'm not sure what that looks like or who they are; I don't know.
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I thought I could fit in with anyone; I was wrong. that's not true and that's not what God wants and Ill have to take the harder road and ask God what God wants.
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I'm also ashamed and embarrassed. I told these untrust worthy people valuable things about myself; I'm ashamed I would ever allow people like that to here my value stuff. That truly scares me and makes me mad.
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And again; I'm blaming them because they weren't the right people for me. When its not their responsibility to know what is right for me. They were complete strangers that I thought ought to know how to take care of me and Cator to me.
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Ill have to work with God on this and keep writing.
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.SO; I'm learning I don't just through myself at every tiger that comes into the coliseum.
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I had this grave I idea these people knew me deeply and accepted me and my differences; and I was wrong. They never liked me never accepted me; never knew me.
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I look at it now having another chance; I'm kind of in the -lone wolf stage sorta... Thats OKe... Ill talk to God about it. and again; this whole thing is about accepting mistakes; moving on; but talking to God about specific directions for a guy like me. My God; Who do I fit in with. And not with.
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because in many cases I'm finding; I don't fit in with allot of the people I thought I could fit in with. I thought they were all open minded and free thinking and nice and down to earth and so on or what ever.
I mean; What I'm saying is; I thought they were like me. And now I'm like; Thats a bit narcissistic on my part and delusional; I mean. For me; it was more of a move to save me; save my young life. I dint know... I had nowhere else to go... Nothing. did not have any guidance from anyone; Only the television set; that was it.
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SO again; The key is about my worth; who defines my worth. I need to feel worthy as I am right now where Im at. ANd that is truly work that has to be done because What other people thought of me was so important.
Now; I have to like myself; I have to be proud of myself and value myself until I can get up to speed and back right minded where I value myself without anyone else's acceptance or approval... Never really been there before; not really. Ive always wanted others around me socially that proved my worth. I wanted to be the nice person sensitive person but around people who were economically secure people; nice people; class people. I did not find that.
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I did not find it; not because those other people were class people or not; I didn't find it because I didnt realize what Im not within society; I mean; Im a different bird out here and never realized it.
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Im trying to say this in the right way. Many people wont accept me because I dont fit in with them. I just dont and never realized it.
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So; again; number one issue is working with GOd getting my self worth and value back to myself; staying away from the condemnation of the general public in society.
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Im different within society. Im not what I thought I was in society. People so fair dont see me as I wanted to be accepted. Thats because they dont see me at all. I mean; Im a different bird.
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I don't like labeling myself yet I need something to explain this. So.... Ill label myself for this writing; but that scares me.
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As I set; Ive got to stand on my own 2 feet; Not on the person who lives up the block with the nice house. For better or worse; that never worked. I never got past the front gate and never knew it.
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And thats Oke; and it has to be OKE; thats what Im saying; I have to learn; its Oke...
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Im not done talking or writing about this subject; Ill be writing about it for a long time or at least until my identify appears again.
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