June 2025
May 2025
These little blogs are kind of cool and kind of interesting and kind of pin pointed.. When their kept small; doesn't take much to build on them.
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I accomplished something in these last several weeks months; today? IVe never been able to do.
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With several women at the table. And many men; but with several women; I talked in more depth about the problems I had with relationships when young; to the point that I told them all of my disfunctions and how they affect me in a relationship... I basically stated all the things I would tell a women Im in a relationship if I had just met her and wanted to lay things out of who she would be going out with; The cost in money and other ways; what she would be giving up to be with me; I dont function.. I told this group many things Ive never told anyone before; In fact they are the things I wanted to tell past relationships; if I had those relationships might be alive today.
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After the meeting I walked over to a female friend who has the same mental trauma conditions. I asked her to sit with me; does she have time. and while doing so a very young young women came over and just sat a few feet away and waited and listened. It was kind a cool because the stuff I shared was about my dysfunction life that destroyed relationships when young. I could not open up I was shut down; I shared what specifics incurred during those years; I talked about the folly of my choice of distancing and non participation with those I loved and wanted relationships; Why I lost those relationships; I scared them off and I choked the air out of them; I choked the life out of those relationships; finally the women involved with no knowledge of why I was acting the way I was acting; she just left. Several of them just left... Some of these losses were more then devastating; some meant everything in the world to me. ( No they didnt! If they did I woudnt have walked away from them); What took my attention away from the direction God wanted me to Go... Something stopped me from growing; How about hatred and anger and death and kill and main and torture those I hated; all of those fantasies to go to war and kill society; a society that helped mutilate me piece by piece. I made a mistake; I become a kind of sociopath with no feelings. Dealing with my mother for the last time had something to do with this; I never held My guns; one might say and fight the good fight for what I was creating; Instead I through all that away for nothing... And I didnt care.. WOW; so thats what happens to a person.
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I was able to tell my friend details of how I felt about why I was not good enough to be in a relationship because of my condition.( fear) I told her so many things; and the other girl was right there listening in.
I realized something; I did something Ive never done before; I called a women over to sit down with me and join me and I told her all the things that get in the way of a relationship for me. ( Listening to what I wrote; I see my mother all over this; the fear of my mother ever listening in or being in my business; it sounds like Im facing my mother). What hold this monster had on me!
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When I was younger; I could not communicate anything of how I felt; I was a frozen book.
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So; Im starting to communicate with people how I really feel. Im able to call women over and sit with me... And talk to them. ANd tell them everything I could never tell the women of my past because of condition blocked me sent me into survival mode and freeze mode..
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NOTE: It asnt been that long since Ive been able to talk to present women; in fact; this is the best Ive ever done!
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If I had done this when young; I would have been married a few times by now! ( that means Id have to get a job and function and interact and If I couldnt; Id have to be able to them and I dont think I could do that).
It seems like Im talking about being scared of my mother and her father... everything is about coming out of the trauma bond of my mother and her father.
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THE PROBLEM:
Will I ever get into a relationship or Activities or work again or career; something. Anything. ( Has to be with the right tribe of people who have the same values and ethics and law abiding.).
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I wonder; the work Ive done or allowed God to do on my condition is brilliant; but Im still ruptured.
Will I ever be able to meet someone and have the courage to get involved. Ill pray about it; technically Im making headway; and I have been making strides and over coming blocks from the beginning; will it really be enough; at some point..
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I can use meditation for laws of attraction on soulmate stuff...
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What I need is support; lots of it; the right kind with people who understand..
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PRACTING AND TALKING TO WOMEN;
It is time!
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I was online and seeing one more dating disaster person; a person who says hes a nice guy; a good guy but no one wants him.
The problem with this; to me is; One has to be aggressive and go after what they want. I have to practice and get good at being out going and charming; I must; I cant go fish'n just looking at the fish with no fishing pole; or knowing where their at But opting to go inside instead and watching TV In a dark room for the rest of the day.
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Its scary for everyone. Its a strange excitement and scary and something adults seem to believe they do not have to participate in anymore because they are worth more then to be forced to feel this uncomfortableness. When it comes to the opposite sex; everyone gets right sized; just the way it is... And I know many people that would rather run then be back in that arena. ( I know every single one of them; LOL); maybe not all of them; but maybe one of them!
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Well; nothing has changed since childhood; I have to do the same things I did then. And its OK. Its best to have lots of wing men and friends and support so I can meet people.
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Everything is going to go wrong; and somethings will go right and if Im working on myself and I brush up with the right people Ill meet people to date or spend time with.
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My problem has been; Ive never spent time with the right people; and I never gave people a chance; I didn't believe they would have any value for me; So; I call that a lack of depth to have anything in common with me. Ill have to go out and meet people and work on being energetic... See who likes me.
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But seriously; This will take allot of work; How bad do I want a relationship; what am I willing to do to find myself ready and around the right people. Ill work with God on this but their will be allot of social practice that will be very uncomfortable for a long time. Welcome to the realities of getting good at things...
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NOTE; So at a meeting of another fellowship;
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I was sitting their on the bench against the wall; and I began to write a dialog about this other women that liked me for ( And I mean this) for like a second; And I got devastated by it. The dagger went right into that area of pain where Ive been ruptured; these people; this women; dont care; they are monsters at best.... Sickening; but it is what it is...
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Id like to say I shouldn't think about or fantasize about monsters or this is what I get!
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SO;
I was (writing)dialoging about her as if I was talking to her and her to me; and I grab her hands and pray for her that God puts a shroud over us; a protective umbrella of God showering us with the holy spirit...
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So; as I was sitting their in on the bench against the wall; I began to fantasize and feel what it was like when I was a good innocent kid; and I was him again and could feel it; when I was around nice kids because I was such a great nice kid; and that is coming back.. And I felt it more then just for a little bit; I felt it in one sense and then suddenly I started to create this God building around me in my imagination that keeps me safe; and I began to feel it again.
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Now; the problem is; out of 5 people in the meeting; 3 are sociopaths or narcissists; or close; 2 for sure; something...
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When I walked outside I got hit( verbally roasted) by another guy walking down the stairs that jokes and puts me down; or tries to; thinking hes very important; anyway; more stuff I put up with...
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The point is; first; I was protected more when I felt nothing when I was so mentally ill; Now Im like hit with peoples comments and actions; so I have to watch it; one thing I find is interesting is so many narcissists and manipulative sociopaths.. Those are the people that have helped me grow up into a new person; MY GOD! Those are the people in the vast recovery process; lots of them.. not all of them but very lots..
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So; I felt not just safe; but the inner me was like sitting in this serenity; and it went on for a good long time...
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SO; it went on for awhile; So; that is 2 incidents of my childhood; I wasn't reliving my childhood from an adult perspective; I was me again at that age again.. authentic me.. It was real; the real me; the child coming out side again.. feeling safe; I was creating a building for me; for God to protect me; a showering concrete building in my imagination and the child in me felt safe to come out.
If felt wonderful; Now; the question is; How to feel more of that; how to be safe and what people and places and things can I attract for my safety so I can be this way all the time and move away from those people at the meetings; For they are meat eaters; they seek blood if they can get their hands on it...
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Anyway; its a Ruff strange place of monsters who try to act like their not monsters but right down into their conscious right off the surface they want to commit cannibalism; nothing has changed. So; its tuff place; they want to kill or take captive but they cant; but they will voice something and try to get under a persons skin to let them know they are seen... The victim
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So; I have to keep working with GOd to come back as I am. With safety the child( my inner child) will come outside...
Around the wrong people; those aggressive with no boundaries; the child hides.
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in many cases I do not have the boundary strength to withstand most of these people; I end up fawning when they are actually attacking with contempt because they think they are better and think Im weak and wont fight back.
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So; I wont fight back; not yet... So; I have to think about this one for a moment... Keep working on it; give it to God and work through it...
I've been in a kind of incognito and I think I will stay that way until I get much better and then finally just disappear.. The question is; Where or who will God supply for me to be around in the future.
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The middle class experience was ruined by many people; the person playing the step father role was a big one.
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So; moving back into the middle class role of safety is a hard thing; Ill have to work with God on this.
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Ill work with GOd and play the undercover role as weakling unassuming.
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FEELING LIKE A CHILD AGAIN:
So; anyway; I've reported on some Significant stuff. In the long run; no people of the past or houses or neighborhoods or towns or schools or old fake friends; non of those brought this back; the universe brought this back; God brought this back; the recovery rooms brought this back! Feeling like a child again...
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