June 2025
May 2025
This should get interesting; hopefully I wont build or write a book for all of one blog concerning this.
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As I get better; rehabbing in my mental condition; The universe is slowly moving me into relationships again and work issues.
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Ill just write for this first one on random ideas to get started.
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I did get started today; I spoke about relationships and work stuff in general; Ive been talking about it in general for a while in meetings; but nothing like I talked about yesterday; Yesterday I was at a camp site with a friend and his family; We talked about relationships; I learned a great deal in 3 days.. I got allot of processing and development socially talking to his family and playing with the kids; talking to the father; went off with the father to get coffee and had several good conversations. THe mother was a bit more generalized; not so personal; She was the head of the social aspect of the household; she held the reigns one might say. He takes care of the house and cars physically; She runs the house hold; talking care of all family stuff... So; she wasnt as open to conversating about issues.. No Problem! Traditional family roles..
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I took a bike ride from the campsite lake down a road with well to do housing; country housing with big big front lawns; almost farm house lawns; big big big lawns... Lots of them...
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I began to ask questions to the universe concerning alignment. What do I have to do to move my life forward. I began to see my first love in my mind... I asked God about her... And working on that subject I was pulled forward through many levels of healing and understanding very quickly.
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NOTE: And I mean that; very quickly...
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One main area; " Why didnt I call her back". She was never really a girlfriend; She was someone I visited a few times and I called a few times.. The fact I called her several times and talked to her meant I was building a relationship with her.. flirting and so forth. She had the potential to be my friend; It never turned out that way; it never turned out; I would have been better if I had never met her.
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NOTE: Courage was the problem; but that's only part of the problem; impossible to get courage at the time; so; in all reality; no way to have known her; so; really; what was I suppose to do; what could I do; nothing! I can get mad at it or not; but there was no way to move forward so; Nothing at the time; nothing I could do; I was not developed enough; SO; what was Gods real plan for me. THere is no way I could have dated her; so; she was not for dating; impossible. I mean that; So; what was I doing there?
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The unfortunate later insanity that followed; my insanity completely derailed my involvement with her. I was doing OKE at first.
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The first question was; Why didn't I call her back; I had all ready been able to call her; I mean; why didnt I just call her and work things out; And this is a phenomenal question for me. And Ill answer this in another blog.
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However, a better question has arisen. How about this; I was doing fine with her. So; How about I define how things were going fine and suddenly they started falling of into dysfunction; Why dont I write about that dysfunction; put it all on paper and take a really good look at it; in fact; I can feel a a part of me really wanting to open this hidden dissociated part of me; open it up on paper; so; thats what I will do for this first blog.
The point of the blog is to write enough on the subject to open things up; work things out and slowly move forward. And I believe in therapy blogging; its really helped me; its not a primary fix; but added with the other tools I use in recovery it definitely gives me an edge up on rehabilitating from my conditions and social dysfunctions.
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First; Im going to explore why I didnt call her back and talk to her; I had all ready called her when I first met her.
So; the first thoughts I get are fright; I was flunking out in school from trauma and this was way over my head at the time; no one cared and no one to help me; It was way over my head; I was a young teenager.. no one cared about me; nothing. So; I was scared to death I would not be good enough or accepted and that just wasn't fair; I mean; I hadn't done anything wrong... I was abused and thrown away.
The one point Im missing is; I never told her about my situation. I would have had to tell her. but I could not face my situation. So; I was stuck... I ran! But did I need to run? Ill explore that.. !
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Did I need to run away from her; Yes; No! Either way; I would expose what I was not ready to face; that I had no family on my side and if I faced something like flunking out in school; I would have to take it all on; take all the responsibility on myself at that time and I could not do that. I could not face anything like that right now; I certainly could not face the realities of what that meant when alone and a teenager; I was being put into that situation by evil people.
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Today; I would want to take on this myself at this point and learn how to take care of it myself so I did not have to involve evil people. Thats what's changed.
So; because I would want to take on this responsibility now; If I were in this situation; would I call the first love back and tell her; and Im not sure I wanted to; I had anger and jealously that she did not suffer from what I was suffering from and she would not know or care what I was going through; that's my excuse; but its just an excuse; because I had a momentary feeling; and thought; and thought said; Go for it; of course Id call her and make her my girlfriend and tell her everything. But something is wrong; I feel fear when saying this.
I see my original past; and I would have to give that past up and move on; move on without first processing any of that past; could I do this. YES! I would have gone to my new girlfriends house and started processing and maybe even getting new help and a new counselor from school.
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NOTE: s long journey would have had to happen in order to break through no mans land; lots of recovery work and growth and self awareness. ALtho she was right up the street; she was a 10,000 miles away... This is important to say because altho she was very physically close; living in proximity; she was a half a world away. IF I could not be the person for a beginning relationship; Then; impossible; Why meet her. The other concept here; I would never get the help and growth or spiritual growth or face what that would take; it would never happen in that place or that time. So; its like I never met here. I was heartbroken that she didnt really care; she didnt care. If I didnt follow through she just spat on me spiritually and moved on; didnt bother to ask twice what was going on...
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Whats interesting today; I have a sponsor I work with who is highly educated... Hes an English Teacher; He'l be working on is Doctorate at some point; I think he has applied for it... He will get accepted no problems; The point is; Hes working with me from a 12 step group on my First Love issues and many other issues of growth where Ive been dissociated; what else could I be.
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So the goal is; Im learning to imagine Im calling her again and following through with her.
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When I was younger; I never made that phone call; that phone call that would have set the world in motion for me. I did not have the courage nor would I know how to get that courage. This is important; I had no one; no brothers or friends; nothing.. No knowledge of what to do; nothing.
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The horrible reality of what this girl was really like; I never made the phone call but I ended up around her again; and when I did; I was laughed to scorn by her and her mother; I was mocked and treated like a second class citizen. I was stunned and in shock. I told myself I would never associate with such filth ever again.. I walked away; I thought; my God; This is no friend of mine; What in the world have I done here; Why would I ever go up to this persons house; for what reason?
I mean; this has been the idea of how I viewed it at the time.
However, Im not telling the full picture.
This girl waited and waited and waited for me; over n over over and this is what agenizes me and scares me. Because she waited a very long time for me to get the courage to talk to her again and make that phone call that would put us together; she waited for such a long time; She obviously was my wife sent to me by God... and I knew that; I knew it from the beginning; Laughing at me at a much latter date doesnt seem all that strange considering I ripped her love for me out of existence. I smoother'd its existence..
By the time I actually made the phone call tho; She said no! When she said No! I pulled back; In reality; I should have just gone and got her and married her... or gone out with her and started a relationship with her. And if she didnt want me after the relationship; I guess that would have been different...
She proved herself; she didnt owe me anything.
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However; on the other hand; Looking at this on paper; something isnt adding up; she seems 2 people. And God did not let me move forward with her; I never did find any way of developing courage; I just didnt. impossible; and I mean that; so; this whole thing was impossible. I guess what Im looking for here is Gods intent here. Who stopped this from happening? Did she or Did God! Because God never supplied any way of moving forward with her; I ended up leaving and going somewhere else.
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What scares me the most about this is the way I manipulated God. I waited until she could not sustain her feelings for me anymore. Its like withholding food from someone and then getting mad when they finally become hostile and turn on me and never want anything to do with me anymore.
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Anyway; This whole things goes round n round. I started this criminal behavior with her; Not the other way around. It was criminal what I did against an innocent person. It was like an attack instead of going forward with her. The attack was in the form of ignoring her and walking away from her instead of dating her.
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Did I ask God for help: No! But I started searching for GOd and I ended up away from her when I did.
I did love her; but what does that mean? I dont know; I have no clue...!
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NOTE; One thing is sure; There was no possible way of dating her without more training in courage; and that could never happen at that time; and God knew this; So; No way! And possibly I have a problem with God not the girl. God stopped this from happening; So; I have to talk to God about this. And I want to focus on the girl for it to be her fault because that gives me possibilities.. it gives me power!
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Ive worked with God on this; and Ive gotten back in the good graces with God; and now Im not alone; I have allot of recovery world with me and time with the recovery world behind me.. I have sponsors and educated sponsors; educated enough that they automatically know what Im doing and what I need to do and why; They get it.
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So; Im having a problem switching from the girl to God; because it was God that didnt allow this to follow through.
I never had the courage to make that phone call... that phone call that would have set up our relationship and brought us into unison as one.
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NOTE; maybe I took it personally that I couldnt have her; I had no courage; it was never going to happen; I took it personally as if I was not good enough or at a high enough esteem or value to the world. I Guess at that point; I really look at what I had gotten into; it was pure evil; and I think God was getting me out of evil.
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NOTE: In the end; I meant nothing to the girl; she never thought of me ever again; as if I never existed.
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Today; working with a sponsor; Ive worked to recreate this situation that I come up to speed as if Im back then; Back as a teenager right up against that phone ready to make that phone call.
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The phone call to my first love;
Practicing in my imagination However, Im using my imagination and checking in with my sponsor. The goal is to relearn how to have courage so I can move forward now.
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So; Im at this healthy feeling point of; making that phone call; What does this mean? It means; In my imagination and on paper I make the phone call in my imagination and play act as if Im talking to my first love; I then ask her questions and tell her how I feel; I start telling her about my true self and where Im actually at in life and the problems I have to deal with that Im running away from. The reason Im telling her; letting her know my market value as a potential suiter. Throwing all the cards on the table and allowing her to decide what she wants to do. This; I never did in reality; I never allowed her to decide if she liked me or not or wanted to have a relationship with me or not. I never gave her that; I had no right getting involved in that; I was simply suppose to follow through; thats all I was suppose to do; what she did was up to her; and I controlled that out of her.
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I narcissistically controlled my life out of her with the idea that I would somehow win; Im like; "She wasnt my enemy! why do I need to win anything". So; Im toxic; Toxic green slime; Warning sign!
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The fact is; I never made that phone call and continued with my life.
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NOTE; The fact is; I couldnt make that phone call; and thats whats got me bothered.
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First things First;
First; I have to get up to speed; get to a place that I have regained my original steps. Gotten to a place in my imagination where Im back at that teen age and Im right at the phone. And I either make the phone call or I dont. Being up to speed with no gaps; And this has been done. And the work involved is beyond being stretched or tortured on the Rack... I had big long gaps to work through; like growing another arm or leg... crazy! Hurts o so bad going through this. Well; I followed God and demanded and begged God to to make all this so! and God did so... and now Im up to speed.
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The next goal is to make the phone call on paper and in my imagination... and just let myself talk and free write and free speak in my imagination; imagining Im talking with her; Ill do this long enough until I feel; with my sponsors help; that Ive emptied everything I need to say... Ill say enough that its time to move on... I will have said all I can or will say about the subject; making all this right.
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NOTE: all of this practice is good; its good because its about practicing for things now... Im practicing for what I want now! its not about what happened years ago. Whats important about what happened years ago; I get to see what I could not learn at the time and get help for it. However, Im seeing a new light that is hitting me. If I could not get the skills at that time; impossible; then; no way that girl would ever be a part of my life; God never meant for anything to happen there... And I would thus suggest in the end she would feel nothing for me; she would have moved on and I meant nothing to her and I was never remembered; Her only purpose was to play out this role for God that would teach me later in life that I would need to work with someone to find courage for what I want today... right now; the lesson is being worked on right now... So...
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This is all hard stuff; ruff stuff to go through to learn these lessons; so much time and pain. To high ya pain level.
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NOTE: Years ago; I did call her; 10 years later; and told her I loved her; had been in love with her; and that she was my best friend. So; I did cover myself when young. I was laughed at again and she wanted nothing to do with me because I meant nothing to her. She made a fool out of me... So; maybe I really knew nothing here.
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The point of this exercise is about myself and my recovery process and God; following through with GOd. That is what God wants me to do; in order to get my courage back. ITs all about courage; thats what this is all about.
I never had the courage to ever follow through. I had hundreds of chances to follow through with her that she gave me. I could never get past one of them. I had no one with me; no support; no help; nothing.
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NOTE: Looking at this again; it would suggest a gulf divide occurred between me and her; or me and myself; or me and the gap... it seems its all about me and the gap; a gap between me and what I want... The girl seems distant and not even real to me at this point; she is of unimportance.
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WORK ISSUES.
Ill start work issues with THE GIRL UP THE STREET: MY FIRST LOVE...
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One of the main conversations I wanted with my first love; that I was flunking out of school and what to do about it; I could not get help from those I was living with; they did not care what happened to me. I would have to have taken it all on myself.
The fact I didnt have a father anymore; I didnt want to go back into a world where a father was needed; it would trigger to much pain.
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So; this life at that age was way over my head.
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FLUNKING OUT OF SCHOOL: I was flunking out of school; could not function; and this needs to be addressed as a separate issue of working; a separate issue onto itself. \
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I could not function. School work is interreacting and working. I could not handle the interactions.. I could not handle being around all those people and not feeling safe or that I could protect myself and at the same time interact with books and learning; impossible in my situation. I was in a strait jacket of trauma. I could not move; But I would have to do something about it at some point. I mean; its my life and I was not able to function; I would have to address this at some point or fall through the cracks of life into the abyss.
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NOTE: It would not be addressed at that physical location.. meaning; when I was a teenager dealing with all of this; I lived on the coast; God would remove me from the coast... its that simple. I was removed from that place; so nothing would ever be done at that location and nothing ; no relationship issues and no schooling or work issues; nothing. I had to get out of there.
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NOTE: Im starting to understand Gods role in all of this for my life at the time.. its all making sense to me.
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I did fall into the abyss and I almost didnt make it out. It took a 3rd of my life to walk out of that icy abyss; but it looks like its happened. Im very close to being back on land again. In fact; I might be on land again.
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So; this issue will be looked at. For the record; I moved away when a teenager; by my choice; working with God to get out of that situation on the coast. I ended up at a fake friends house; a horrible ordeal; altho I had to make up three years of high school in my senior year and I was bullied the whole time in addition; I was in a household that did not want me ( or like me) and looked at me as white trash; and this broke my heart; I did finish high school. And Ill talk about that at another point in this serious of blocks...
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So; relationships and work;
The goal is to look back at the beginning dysfunctions and work through them uncovering the problems and looking for solutions.
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On to the next blog...
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