June 2025
May 2025
We will start with women.
.
So' Ive got this one sponsor from one group. I have a few of them now... One sponsor from this one group and its working for me... A sponsor is a kind of friend therapeutic helper. Someone that works with me on issues... They are like a big brother. Someone I turn to on how to fix things; everyday problems. I had no idea how to fix everyday problems when young or even now!
.
WOMEN;
So; Im looking to fix ( relational communicative problems); what happened with my first love; and not just her but many others; some before'; some after. And what am I finding; My God; I never dealt with any of these relational problems; I never went back up to the person and responded to them; the refixing of relationships with women; Nothing; its like the whole thing has been in a giant state of neglect. Like its a dead ghost ship. I never saw it. I never saw the bigger picture.
.
After bringing in others to help with these relational problems; Im beginning to get help from the universe. Im beginning to see it; My God; I didnt know; I never did anything about my dysfunctional responding with women; any kind of exercises to fix any of my relational problems.
.
These relational problems come from my mother/father situation.. Being freaked out by these criminal monsters... I was psychologically torn to pieces by these sociopath/psychopaths. Any kind of interaction with them; I was ripped to pieces psychologically; and I was set up and destroyed...
.
So; I became hardened. Well; I have to become unhardened from them; this affect they had on me was transferred to everyone I met; and even worse scenario when dealing with intimate deeper friendship interests with women.
.
So; As Ive been slowly awakening and working with others; The idea of repairing my old relationships is a worthwhile cause. Because of this dysfunction; And Im starting to create momentum surrounding fixing these problems. Im beginning to see pictures in my head of what happens when I actually start helping myself and responding to people.
.
I almost cant believe it; I mean; if one gets cancer; they go to the doctor and get help. When I got relational cancer; or relationship dysfunction or friendship disfunction or friendship-cancer; I did nothing. When I finally opened up about it; started to open up about it to people; My problems with responding to people; It was a start; a great start; but that was like opening up to a Doctor about having Cancer( metaphorically speaking); I mean; it was like telling everyone my secret; The problem is; I never went any further; Its like going into a Doctors office; telling the Doctor about the problem; and then getting up and leaving. I never got any help for it; meaning; I never got any remedy for the relational problem( the inability to communicate or show my real feelings or any feelings about how I really felt)it. Now; Im finally opening up and ready for a remedy to my friendship and relational problems. Im more serious about getting a remedy to my problems and Im up to speed for it.
.
So; I start with God; praying for what I want. I want old dysfunctional relationships resolved; fixed.
.
I never resolved those relationships or fixed them ( but I so badly wanted to fix some of them); I approached them paralyzed and stayed paralyzed. Also; Ive been paralyzed all these years by situations and people who were never suppose to be this important to me in my life. Im been stuck to creepo people from the past because I have unfinished business with them.
.
I say I stayed paralyzed; Why wouldn't I stay paralyzed?; I never moved; I was in freeze mode literally; I never did anything about the problem; I never moved forward on the problems. I stayed paralyzed.
.
So; What kind of problem did I have; I had a physical problem or dysfunction fixing problems with someone; this means; if it was time to take the beginning relational situation to the next level; I couldn't move or talk to her; I could not make a move on her physically or verbally; nothing ; nor could I explain what my intent for being around her; what direction the relationship was going to be; nor could I talk to her about it; I became a cold closed down wall. And of course; the women is only going to allow this for so long before she finally leaves; and they did.
.
NOTE; Ive found no hatred from the women involved; No one hated me. In fact; it was more transparent. I never responded to them; finally in a state of confusion; they just left.
.
The goal at the time; calling them back and talking to them about the problem; This means telling them how I feel about them or what I want from them; what Im interested in pursuing. This means physically going up to them; sitting down with them and explaining my situation to them... Going back and repairing where I was dysfunctional with them.
.
I think when dealing with potential relationships; suddenly I acted out as if I was responding to my mother and father and thus I turned defensive and closed down completely; even if the person I was with had no idea what was going on or why. And I could not control it; The problem was; I didnt fix it afterward; the problem; not showing my feelings or telling her the truth about myself; my intent or my future interests; I never told her how I felt about her; I was like a dead log; a silent dead log. I never went back to the person and explained where I was coming from. I left her and never went back.
.
I just laid there dormant for years. I did nothing; I was like a dead spaceship. I did not work on the whole of the major problem with people. Instead; I stayed traumatized and paralyzed and could not get involved in relationships.
The other problem; I was never able to grow in maturity so I never found better safer people to have relationships with.
.
I saw this Star Trek Original serious episode where Captain Kirk and the crew beam aboard an old dead Federation starship; When they beam aboard; They see it had not been habituated for 50 years; Its the same for me when it comes to relationships; I was cut off from having any relationships; Ive been walking around wounded from my mother and father and without any ability to move forward around any people. I saw all people as the enemy. I stayed wounded and silent.
.
And unfortunately; many people I would meet with shallow unacceptable behavior; I would not fight back or respond to; leaving the toxicity with them; instead I internalized it and I would move on from them. Meaning; I met to many people with bad behavior and doing nothing; I would act as if I was with my mother 4 years old trapped in a car with her;
.
I had to ask myself; How or why was I attracting these people.?
.
So; I need to create letters to my mother and father; create letters to them about how I felt about the way they treated me; create letters as if they were treating me badly right now and Im responding to it. Explaining what they did and how I felt about there behavior RIGHT NOW. When I say "RIght NOW"; I mean; How would have responded to them if they had just talked to me and scared me or traumatized me. I never responded to them because a normal human being is not going to respond to a psychopath..
.
So; I start with them; My parents and others; writing letters to them;( Im not sending those letters); Im writing letters to them to respond to what they did to me; how they treated me... responding to there behavior at the time I was victimized.
.
MY FIRST LOVE:
My biggest problem I had with my FIRST LOVE was; I never responded to her; I left her cold; I never told her how I felt ever; about anything. And thats not what I wanted... I cant start a relationship if I cant tell someone how I feel. So; I want to break into this and learn how to tell someone how I feel; and thus; start a relationship with them. Become an independent person again.
.
NOTE: I believe now; my first love had no negative feelings toward me; no hate; nothing. Any hatred I anger or loss or fear; all comes from inside me; Im projecting it into the outside world; She was innocent; The problem is; I vanished over n over and finally left her completely. I might show up later; but I never created a relationship with her. Finally she just naturally moved on until I never existed... I dont believe she ever did anything negative one way or the other thats relative to a relationship. The horror for me here; she ended up a complete stranger... She had always been basically a stranger.
.
So; by writing letters to them Im learning how to take my power back.
.
.
WOMEN:
So; I respond to women in this continuous victim mode as if Im dealing with my mother and father. And I realized; after going into freeze mode with women I liked or was interested in; I never went back and explained myself to these women; and tried to fix or repair the relationship.
.
For women I was interested in but never got close to; I never initiated a relationship and explained where I was coming from; the kind of background to explain some of my dysfunction and how hard it was to get close to them ( people) and that I was having a hard time getting close to them because of it; but I liked them and wanted to get close to them. I never stopped and explained this to them.
.
So; Im starting this whole campaign with writing letters to these people; ( Im not sending these letters to anyone); Im creating these letters as a way of imagining Im talking to them and responding to them when they were responding to me. And Im working with a sponsor on this stuff; checking in with him.
.
The goal is to regain my personal power for relationships; to respond; to fight back one might say; or just to freely respond...
.
NOTE: (Im working on dissociation problems; thats what this is all about).
.
The goal is to gain some personal power.. get my power back so I can talk to people.
.
WOMEN OF THE PAST:
.
So; Im working on writing responses to women from the past; responses of what I would say to them if I had gone back up to there houses and talked to them or phoned them back and told them how I feel; what had happened or how I felt about it...
.
Its all possible that these women; non of these women were worth my time; But I never found out because I went into freeze mode and never continued the relationships with them. Some of them I wanted relationships with; but I never followed through; I did not have the courage... I was scared and saw the warning signs... But were the warning signs real? I still wanted to tell them how I felt. how I felt about them.
.
NOTE: Pure dissociation problems; I was not aware that; although I thought about them all the time; that did not equal any movement in the real world. I did not seem to be aware that I had not actually interreacted with them; only thought about them a lot. Looking back; some women; I had basically no relationship; because I thought allot about them but hardly saw them; and when I did; I said and did very little. In other cases; I was so shallow; I was not the deep real me... And then I ran way.
.
.
Today I would like new relationships with new people.
.
.
-------------------------------------------
The realities of relational work;
.
As I write letters about these women and explore how I feel and what I would like to talk to them about and explain to them; Im finding all of this exceptionally hard; I mean; its no easy feat to talk to them; to write to them about how I feel; because; its like talking to my mother face to face about what she just did to me or how she abused me... Im responding to the treatment...
.
.
NOTE: When writing about all of this; it takes me back to my old life that is gone... and that causes mass trauma. ITs like I was split into; and Im now going to the inner side of one side of the split; Im on one side; the memories are on the others...
.
Non of this is easy; but its a start; and Im starting with repairing relationships from the past that I infected with this behavior. Im not suggesting the women I dealt with ever really liked me or would end up very good relational material; I dont know; but I dont think that is important here; its important that I learn to talk to them; respond to them and tell them how I feel and get back to them with how I feel... So I can learn how to take care of relational problems on my feet. Learn to tell them what going on in my life and my mind at that moment or time..
.
NOTE: One problem I have; relationship stuff takes me back to childhood where; in normal situations; my parents would meet girls my age or women who I would date; But non of that will ever happen; and that bothers me; I mean; this whole thing triggers that I had no life or family and will never get a traditional experience from that time period; and that causes allot of grief and trauma.
.
So; Im starting to do this; to write about it; write as if Ive called them back and I want to tell them why Ive been aloof or not responding to them or why I ran away from them... and that is what I have to practice now.
.
I had to clam up to the psychopaths I was around when young because they were not safe; but it left me in freeze mode; suddenly I could not open up to anyone for any reason; I was stuck; I never knew anything was wrong. I was so trauma bonded I could not move. I could not respond.
Its no
Our partner
Who is online
Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot]
News
Site map
SitemapIndex
RSS FeedCheck Mental Health Matters
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007, 2014 phpBB Group
Time : 3.389s | 23 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.54
Time : 3.389s | 23 Queries | GZIP : Off | Load : 3.54