June 2025
May 2025
Some back history as it opens up.
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When I was younger and thrown away; I had to live with relatives; My older brother kind of took over for the person who helped me; I didnt want to stay alive anymore.. I didnt care about life.
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So; My brother kind of worked the relatives and got things from them; In the process I was economically spoiled? That doesnt fit; because these were brutal monsters.. THese were not humans..
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My brother did get me used cars out of them.. They bought us stuff like that. I didnt care either way; I just wanted to go home; I didnt want them buying me anything or touching me or coming near me or being in my personal life; If wanted something Ill learn how to save my own money and buy it myself; but their was no family for that development; THere was no nothing! SO; did it really matter; I had no life anyway and no future; and I was being destroyed so whats the difference.
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I didnt care either way. I had lost everything I cared about or loved; it was completely gone.
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I never bought my first car nor had to worry about car insurance and gas.. Nothing. But I had no life and had nowhere to go; I stayed in their basement with no future and no plans no friends and no functioning; I did try to go to college; but who cared. My schooling had been destroyed; my ability to apply myself was destroyed through years of trauma and defeat and unsafe living situations. No one loved me or cared what happened to me.
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So; we will start with cars and gas and insurance... Since I didnt have to buy anything; I always went to those people for money; and I did; in fact I never really looked at it before; but I went to them for money like I had the maturity of a 7 or 6 year old... or 5 year old. I want to blame them for it but its kind a hard bit its not.
But still I wasnt myself. its not what I ever planned on having. I had no life; no plans nothing! I was co dependent or dependent; I was broken out of being independent.
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So; this went on for years. I never thought about it because it was no one elses business...
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However, it stunted my growth. WHat growth; I never had any growth; I was completely shut off into survival mode and freeze mode and in terror and complete trauma... And I had been trauma bonded and sexual abused and other things.. and I was being totally controlled by these people.
I didnt care; I just wanted to die; I was dead inside.
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So; my brother had a system and he would work these people for money and I would end up with something if I needed it; but looking back I would just ask for money; but at that age; I didnt really need money for anything... So I didnt really ask. I mean; they cooked the meals so I had food to eat.
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Later it changed to cars and things... it didnt matter to me; they had no business in my personal life especially something as personal as buying my first car; thats between God myself and my father and no one else; THese monsters were all up in all over my personal self and business. I had no choice if I wanted to survive. However; lets look at this realistically; I had someone their buying me cars; Im aware of this; im not dumb... So... It created a strange dissociation from reality... Like a giant green spung wall from reality... I would not say I was lucky; but i was lucky but the terror and deep inner fear of being around these abusers and no place to go... no functioning in the real world and no hope of ever getting my past life back; to much!
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I had no character anymore; nothing.. I could not function in society nor was I in reality concerning being alive and working and money of my own; Ivied a bizarre strange dissociated life style... Like living in a zoo...
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No relationships; Only one; and only because the girl thought I had money. But that money came from the relative; I had absolutely nothing! She dated me a while; a few moons then got rid of me.
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Later my brother would always; Well; Not always; but he would be their for the adult things I didnt care about because I lost everything I loved and cared about; so I had no interest in doing anything... I didnt care.. So he did allot of things.
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Today; things are different; Im slowly working my way with the help of others into my adolescence again to have a Do over! THis means; regaining the freedom of that time period while working with God to learn how to take care of myself and my needs at that age.
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1. WOMEN
2. CAR
3. MONEY
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Cant say it any better; but today GOd and I will be creating the money and getting the car and dating the women...
THat is the goal.
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THe problem has been; Ive not been in-touch with or mature enough to be part of my own life; impossible.
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SO; Im getting help from others and slowly learning how to allow GOd to create a new time period for me...
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A NEW LIFE:
THe idea is that I mature a bit and with my own friends; learn how to do things without anyone from the past. ANd learn how regular people do things without a regular money source; THey get jobs and plan careers and such...
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This is where Im headed back to a health adolescence of growth in the areas of social interactions; transportation and money needs...
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I have no character for these things yet; but with time and growth and mental health and friends and God; Ill keep creating pathways to become this healthy person again. THe best I can or God allow...
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Can you be addicted to porn or was it just a low base level easiest thing to do desire during the day; I will never know. I know I would have rather had a girlfriend. but it was easier to watch porn... because I had no faith anyone would ever see any value in me; I would be completely passed up.
I also went to college on their money; well; one specific relatives money; she handed it out; it was a complete disaster. I was so completely spoiled; I was not even in a dream world; it was worse; I was in some kind of co dependent kept state. What resulted was pure laziness; no interest in life; I would lay around all day; watch Porn and look at computer magazines. Id bang out this horror stuff on the piano; pure clinical depression and PTSD mixed.
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My mental condition kept getting worse; at the age of 20 I ran from their basement to the nut house and was diagnosed... First time diagnoses..
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I was a kept person.
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Now'; I get to do this over again; but im not quite there concerning finances and decisions and such.
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Well; Im not their at all!
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Also I was brought up being treated like I was inferior intellectually; to the point of believing the negative about me.
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My original plans for my life; I my fantasies; would be doing many things myself while getting strait A's in school. I never got good grades; That never happened and how I felt about myself concerning grades and school was brainwashing from my mother and father.
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Living with the relative; where I was forced to live in adolescence. IT was like a piped intercom of death cutting me down for being born and my last name.. continually... No respect for human beings of any kind; nothing.
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I was being destroyed during adolescence. Im now seeing the results based on how I feel about myself; it was a constant bombardment of my boundaries. As if I didnt have any...
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SO; I have allot of work to do in these areas...
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Trauma bonding; co dependency; dependency a huge massive set of problems.
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I had a girl friend in college; only because she thought I had money; she thought I was doing solid; in reality I could not function; I just wanted to hide; just as I had done in my relatives basements every time I dropped out of college. I could not work; to immature and PTSD and mental illness; could not function or function on my own; I was like a handicapped 5 year old. I would hide in college libraires and in my collage rooms... dorm rooms. I attended so many colleges and just flunked out or had D grades. What was the point of all this; I was either escaping or trying to be like every middle class kid out there...
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As for the girl friend in college; She finally dumped me when she found out I could not function had amounted to nothing and had no future.
She was the last type of women I should have ever associated with... I blamed her for that; when it was my choice to stay or leave; I did not have any choices; I could not make any decisions.
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After numerous college flunking experiences with no direction and a complete lack of interest; the last time I went to my relatives to hide in the basement; this time for a year in the dark; I ran to the Nut house to get evaluated...
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I think I might have had a D average for the numerous years of useless education experiences that I paid nothing for; and my relatives paid everything for... I had no value for anything and I did not want to live.
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SO................
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Im learning how to heal these problems and get on with my life... working with a higher power and the recovery process. However, Im getting really sick of the meetings I attend for recovery; in my area; they are chemical or alcohol based; those are the primary meetings; and Im so sick of spilling my guts in front of Addicts and alcoholics; I had my dreadful moments with alcohol and drugs. And it all added to my over all picture of the need to recovery from duel diagnosis. However, I get tired orf narcissists and sociopaths in the meetings; child abusers; violators; boundary busters. I really do need meetings; to share where Im at.. to let anxiety out; But some of these monsters are scary then the ones in the state penitentiary. It gets tiring day after day...
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So; Im looking into alternatives groups for recovery.
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IVe been brainwashed that Im not very smart; intelligent in school; So I wont even try. I know its not completely true. I never tried to use my mind in school. I just tried to get by and many times didnt care about anything or why I was their.
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Dating women; Has to be done back in the real world; Not in the rooms of recovery; its way to dangerous for that... Not safe; and not safe people for that...
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Lets not forget brutal bulling because I had to start school in grade school at several new schools and junior high and high school; bullied at all three over n over n over; and then bullied by people after high school at work places; same kinds of bullies; caught me off guard and destroyed me.
This isolation +abuse + full neglect of a specific nature + the maturity of a 5 year old + later being thrown away and then spoiled to a point of the equivalence of being kept in a zoo co dependency... Trauma bonded; Sexually abuse; debased to a point of feeling I was unattractive to the opposite sex and stupid to the point of not being smart enough to hit a log with a hammer! This whole nature of things; plus serious ongoing mental illness.......
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I was becoming dissociative from the beginning of my life; it got worse at a steady pace.
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Today Im looking to create a manageable life. learning how with the help of God and others.
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