June 2025
May 2025
Im still in LIMBO LAND; Slowly working my way on the further crests of glazer free lands; greener lands; no more deserts. Slowly making my way back down within my spiritual imagination.
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Music creation is the #1 goal I have right now; and it will be until I accomplish the goal of writing a piece; memorizing a piece Ive practiced of my own making and performing it!
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So; Right now; my mind is avoiding; Im getting closer to the anxiety disorder and im feeling the ruptured part of my nervous system; Im starting to touch it; get closer to it and my dissociative condition is trying to divert me away from goal setting; its trying to make me forget my interest in it.
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So; I have to work with the universe; start over; create a new agenda of goals surrounding music; adjust things; get things back into alignment; focus on the goal not on the divergent possibility.
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Im suppose to do what I set out for in the first place; make a list from 1 to 6; of each step of the goals to create a piece of music; then write it out; practice memorize it then perform it live in front of others. Next; is a song I sing in front of others that Ive writing out; And there it is. However, its one song at a time; and that is the only goal; first song on piano.
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Heres the deal; Even while writing this; AVPD kicks in to avoid all this; try to dissociate all this; this whole concept of performing live. My nervous system is trying to keep me safe and is defending itself against being opened up by force against its will. And in a sense; Im opening up my nervous system against its will and thus its clams down shut and tight and wont budge or open up.
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So; Im dissociating a bit and wanting to avoid.. So; Ill re write my basic goals and stick to those. I do have some other creative ideas come up; Ill catalog them; but bi pass them for now and stick to my goals.
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Who said this was easy? Its not! Its boring! But the job must get done because its saving my life and my sanity and that is the real goal. The music concept here of creating music is just a front for right now; the real goal is; God is using music creation to get me to trust again and show up to reality and life. Im learning how to have a reason or a fight to show up to life.
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Showing up to life is a scary thing for me; its death fear! Not very one knows the paranoia this causes; its a very bad thing… combat people from wars no it; I know it from my experiences; Ill never be the same ever again; a deeper part of me is always on red alert out in society; always.
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So; Im learning how; with Gods help; to take care of my life.
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Goals within my imagination are like creating streets to my interests; the key is; I have interests and thats what I focus on. The more I focus only on those interests the more pathways show up and I begin to walk down them to my goals.
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Problems with the pathways to my goals; Well; first; I must experience using these pathways first; They must get cleared out of terror and fear and feeling intimidated or terror where I want to hide and run back to where I came from. Today; Im learning that I want to the problems and work through them and keep going.
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The goals I have address anxiety disorder and its dysfunction; The dysfunction is in the way of my goals; so; working with God; I learn about work-arounds for my goals. This is not easy; it feels dangerous and horrible; However; I keep at my goals until I break though this false fire wall.
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Music creation means this; start over; get my goals in tact; in order; and start again; The focus is not on finding something new to create; the goal is to finish the project of creating something in notation; memorizing it; practicing it and performing it in front of others; if I need to know What Im suppose to write; I can work with the universe on it.
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The problem is getting side tracked or wanting to get side tracked. The problem is; where is my desire for the right focused area. The weight needs to be on the end result; not on what Im creating; and I know it.
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So; Ill pray about it and keep going; keep at it.
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This has something to do with anxiety disorder; being side tracked against my will; or being influenced; I don’t need to be influenced; I just need to get the job done.
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In order to get the job done; I have to keep at it; sit down at the piano and computer; have my goals in front of me and start over…
The goal is to write something up and memorize it.
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I just tried some goals; listening to what I had played; this is the next step; brought up all kind of horror; Voices telling me Im no good at this or I have no future or Im a loser from only having this left to do with my life; hatred hatred hatred hatred hatred. Nothing positive.
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So; Ive noticed that all this resistance is thrown at me; I have to keep at it no matter what.
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I have thought of something tho; maybe a thought from the universe; cut the amount down; the amount of playing; start out with something smaller.
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Altho intellectually I might be able to handle a certain amount; the CPTSD cant handle that; must be at much smaller amounts or I will over load. So; Ill learn what that means. Or; Ill keep at it as is just take breaks;
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Either way; the goal is to stick to the goals and not divert; stick to the directions; stick to the instructions.
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I have bad thought concerning my mother and the way she used to talk to me; talk down or sub human to me. Ive got to get that out of my head and heart and mind; unbelievable I had to go through that; no child; no one period should ever have to go through that.
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Just finished listening to part of the next step; Ill then decipher the motives of the pieces I played; separate them and look at them and listen again to them; seeing what I want to use and what I don’t want to use. That comes next.
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Its all about following directions. It hurts; Im so rebellious. I get hit with such self hatred and bad thoughts and fear; triggers of horror and terror. My mind is lit up with it; insecurity; nothing positive; its like relieving when I was sexually abused and could not escape; my mind is completely taken over by it.
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The next step is pulling out the motifs; Anton Webern defines a motif as, "the smallest independent particle in a musical idea", which are recognizable through their repetition. Arnold Schoenberg ...
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For a moment; while doing this kind of work; I felt like an Artist for a moment; I was caught up in the moment and my identity was that of artist.
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The idea is to follow the directions and follow the instructions all the way to the end.
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The goal is to follow the goals and finish something. The goal is to take an interest in the goals more then the outcome. If the steps are followed; the outcome with workout. Its about where I put my energy. Is my energy on the past now; or on my future.
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My mind is fully reliving the past over n over; and within this PTSD world of many theaters going off at once; altho Im overwhelmed and taken over completely by it; Im not! Its a giant movie is what it is; and I will walk freely in front of it and go after my dreams anyway. Thus living for what Im looking forward to; and I do this by focusing on goals my inner being has awakened me to and taking action on it everyday and visualizing everyday. Numerous parts of the day.
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Its like; every time I follow through on a goal; its like a hook thats hooked into me; it pulls me upward from under the sea by a few feet; Like Im down there several thousand feet.
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I slow get pulled against the bottom of the ocean; slowly getting pulled upward a few feet everyday I accomplish part of a goal; and earnestly work on goals during the day; taking action.
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Im at a place in my recovery where I'm going upward now! Im still at the bottom of the pool; and its several thousand feet up. Hooks are in me with ropes; when I pray meditate share at meeting where Im at in my journey and talk about my goals; when I come home and write them up again and again and refine them and focus on the bullseye; When I visualize and I take real action for the day; even if its small amounts at a time; The next day; the universe pulls those ropes and pulls me forward and upward a few feet.
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At some point; I ll have my first emerging out of the water looking onto the sun. And it will happen again and again.
Its already happened in some cases.
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However, concerning my goals; its about establishing them within myself as part of self; part of my survival. These goals connect me from one field to another to one platform to another to one range to another to one person to another. And so on. They are a visual set of goals first within my mind and then brought into real life by writing more about them and labeling there purpose.
And when I take action; I move forward closer to who I really am; closer to the horror and pain of the past and the good things of the past; those private things I did alone no one knows about because they don’t know me.
I take action; and at some point; if I just do what Im told; what ive written to do and suggest for myself; Ill slowly move forward until Im at the last platform of the goal and ready to conquer. That is the goal; and we will see; Im speaking of music right now.
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After writing a piece; Ill be memorizing a piece; and that is a big big deal; because its a goal and has to be done for the final step; Ill have to memorize it; one small piece at time; regardless of how long it takes. I will just have to… And that will a set of steps in itself.
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All of these steps bring up PTSD and the past and it gets very confusing as my feelings get triggered to insane levels; at times; many times I don’t know where I am; in the present or the past;
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Notes on First love;
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As I discover more information about my general condition; Im triggered again from the past; Interestingly enough; I will comment more on my first love. I have this strange feeling tho; She is buried now. She is of the past; a crime tape surrounds her house; I am not to enter; as if that situation has been dealt with.
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Today as I move forward in accomplishing my goals; her comes up; More information.
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First; Some of the most important information; I lied to her and I lied about who I am. And I'm mad that I have to admit it; because if I had been living in my original house in my original town; I would have been that person I lied about. Meaning; My life was thrown away still as a child and no more development; if I had had that development; I would have met her and been that person I lied about. However, I lied.
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Here is the denial; I don’t want to look at it; or why I did it; or how I felt about it; or who I was at the time before I met her and how I met her and how I lied and deceived her. And I have to; altho; horrible; I have to look into what happened here.
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Lying to her was a criminal act; and I had been getting away with or spilling into criminality. And this was another form of it; its kind of like burglary. And I felt I had a right to concerning what had happened to me when young; that's the problem. The problem was; I was thief in a sense; actually; I was a thief; I had become one of a minor sense but still serious; I was spilling over into criminal behavior. And this was criminal behavior.
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I don’t think I was suppose to be there; it was more a test or thrill seeking. I was so far off the mark of my life at the time.
Later; I could not sustain the lie; and I ran off when she pressed for a relationship; I was a fake and got scared because I was caught. And there it is; the criminal behavior in all its forms.
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I guess I really liked her because she liked me. And later when I realized it; it was to late and I hated myself that much more that I had thrown an opportunity away.
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However, from another side; she only knew the lie about me; not the real me. When she found out I was not who I claimed to be but much more a blank broken person with little to no confidence or experience; I was laughed at by her and her parents; Immediately would leave and never return; and in a sense I never did. I kept coming back up; because I had nothing else and no where else to go.. Schooling system was non existent. I was forced to live with a false parent that had already thrown me away as a child long before and wanted nothing to do with me.
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I guess Im mad that I didn’t get away with it; I was furious; that I had no personal power; nothing; I no control of anything.
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Whats interesting to me is the way I pushed it all off onto this girl; but isnt that what criminals do.
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its sickening for me to say; but She was a victim of mine and thats all she was.
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When the real me surfaced; and I realized what I had gotten myself into; I was scared and frightened and ran away. I didn’t know what to do or what to say.
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I had never had anyone like me before; I didn’t now whether to believe it or not. I thought; No way! As soon as she finds out she is pretty; and more guys like her; it will be over for me immediately; I had no schooling and no future. But I acted like I did… I acted like I had it together and I didn’t.
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In a sense; When I left and never came back; that was my way of telling myself I was no good for me or for her or anyone else.
I was simply out of my league and I left. But in a sense; that was a spiritual crime; She did like me; God may have sent me up there to be liked by someone and I didn’t follow through. I don’t know if she would have accepted me; I don’t know; I was not suppose to get in the way of it; that was a crime against God; I was not suppose to interfere. But it was 2 much for me; I could not sustain the process of showing up and telling her the truth and facing her.
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Ive never been able to face anyone anyway; ever. Dissociation and AVPD set in hard to protect me. Was I to assume someone like this really liked a guy like me with these problems. I doubt it. I knew that when she found out who I really was; it was over. The only reason she had any interest in me was the lies and the way I presented myself. If I had been the real me with all the problems I had; I would have never seen her again; it would have scared her off with in minutes.
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In my 12 step groups; ive dealt with older middle class ladies; women taken care of all there lives by there well educated husbands and such. I found an interesting thing occur; at first they liked me; but when they saw a prolonged set of problems that did not get better; soon they started getting scared of me. They changed there minds about me right quick when I started telling the truth of who I really am… At first they were interested in me as a person; not now; there middle class illusions would never allow themselves to get near me anymore. Im no different then the first day I met them; Its sickening but thats the way it really is.
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And this girl; My first love; I knew it to be the same way; and in the end it ended that way.
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Was she my real first love. NO! And that bothers me. It was all fake. And I was in a dream… I faked everything. It was all a lie; the way I presented myself. So; there would have never been anyone for me to fall in love with because I would have never been allowed around her again. I would have never met her in the first place if I had been honest bout who I was. I would have had no interest in making it up to her house.
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So; Im in denial about who I really am and who I was at the time. I was a liar and a shiftless thief; at least bleeding over into it from trauma.
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Its kind a a false delusion; this girl; But I had no personal power to my life; nothing; I was desperate for anything to show I was just as good as anyone else.
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Questions concerning the moments I fell for her; the exact moments I thought I saw the kind of girl I would abhor and love.
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Why did I like her; because she was easy pickings; and was there. It was easy and I felt like I was a King.
Maybe the real me came out and I really saw something in her; in her soul. But in reality; she had no soul. Later her behavior would indicated a spoiled kind of upper middle class rich kid with no conscious kind of thing. A horrible thing. A really scary thing; scary for me. Not safe.
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What had I gotten myself into.
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But why did I fall for her; that is the question; its a very important question for my future right now.
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Im still the same person; I still have that passive aggression in me thats held inside my nervous system; that anger and revenge and regret from my childhood being ripped away from me. And I was turned into an animal from it… or psychotic.
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Did this girl really like me. I don’t think so; I think first; I had made it into her door because I lied; if I had not lied; I would have never had a chance with her; it was the only reason she trusted me.
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Could I have told the truth; NO! And thats the whole reason Im writing this. I could not tell the truth about who I was and what I was going through. Im not sure I still can tell the truth now; I don’t think so. But I must; its my goal to get back to who I really am…
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I think God is attempting to help me with this.
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It does hurt when I think about that girl… the fact someone actually acted like they liked me; but she didn’t; it was all falsely based and lies on my part.
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Its like this; Imagine I meet someone that is rich; I meet them because Ive lied about who I am and told everyone Im rich; suddenly people are asking me to join them because they think Im in the Rich club. I say yes; and I meet new people and I meet some rich girl who thinks Im from the same background. Because of this; she lets her guard down; I tell her more and she is impressed and I hit all the buttons of her interest; They are all lies of course. And for this; she is open to wanting a relationship with me. I seem confident… She believes the lies Ive told her about myself.
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One day she finds out Im not who I claim to be and Im kicked out or I cant keep up the lies and I start to falter and the real me comes out and I decide to just walk away and never come back; whats the use.
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One of the main problems; I could not get any help from any direction; Nothing; no one cared about me or what happened to me.
Finally a year later I moved away from that area; that was how I dealt with it; and moved back to my home town; unfortunately more horrors would await me that I could not handle or deal with… so horrible things would continue… Nothing would be like before and it was all over my head; the trauma.
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Concerning the false first love; The most important aspect Im trying to bring up is; Im still in denial about it; I liked someone that never really knew or liked the real me and was never presented with the real me or introduced to the real me. So; I hate this part; I have such a hard time allowing myself or God to work with me to uncover this and let it open up and let it go.
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She was a prize to me; showing my manly worth to the world; I did not want to let my prize go! It was a trophy of my worth; Look at me; Look what I captured; Im somebody.
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Only after capturing her with lies an deceit did I decide that I really liked her; Total criminal.
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And then it happened; I hurt her when the real me came out and she realized I was not going to back up the false personality I had created… And that crushed me what I had maybe done to someone.
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So; I had criminalized someone and hurt them; I was becoming a conscious-less criminal. I could not live with this. Or myself and just meandered away.
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Much later in life I called her and told her how I really felt; it was to late of course; I knew I owed her God and her to follow through and then I hung up. It was my way of saying goodbye. It was also my way of continuing the capture; much like a criminal. Like; she was my property and I wanted to her know it.
She was like a trophy hunters put on there walls after a safari. And I wanted to remember that I captured someone of her quality and I wanted the whole world to know it; and I wanted to believe it and never forget it.
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I guess I never believed anything could have really come of this or us; because there never really was an US.
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In reality; I had no self esteem or confidence; and maybe things could have happened; but I had no idea how to get more confidence or self esteem after what I went through when young. I had nothing left and no one cared.
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So; I see this as clinical as well! I see myself as a nice guy who was destroyed starving for anyone or anything to give me anything; some kind of love and attention; anything that resembled a normal life… I had given up on it so long ago. I didn’t believe this person when she acted like she liked me. I knew it was just a joke; thats how I felt; no one ever liked me and everything and everyone had thrown me away; why would she be any different; she was from the same background as a whole community that had thrown me away.
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I think the most important thing I said was; I need help; and I wouldn't get it from some teenage girl at the time.
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Getting help for all of the problems; the real world problems that are affected by my condition; thats kind of where Im headed. This is more specific work beyond just therapy; but who know.
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Im getting closer; Ill be dealing with this for rest of my life; bringing it up as I learn to accept what I did and what really happened here so I can get a conscious about it and stop blaming others for what I did… Start seeing the truth of it.
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It seems like after this I was never able to face anyone anymore. I couldn’t face anyone because no one would take me for who I really am or what Im really worth; I gave up at this point on everything and everyone. This was not the first person who turned on me… I had many many others; they got away with turning on me and throwing me away and never noticing me ever again. As if I had never known them. And I gave up on all people; especially anyone from the middle classes.
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Things are a bit different now but not by much. I trust God will bring me the right people; so I simply go through the universe. I simply go through the universe; thats the best way to deal with this.
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This was not the only criminal act I had created; I did a few others; the hatred and anger was spilling out. I just want to own it and get a conscious again.
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All of this is getting triggered; Or surfacing again because Im working on my goals… following through…
And Ive got other goals and steps to keep working on…
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I also see sexual abuse around all of this from younger period…
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A few days later;
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So; Now I know; My first love was to be my Wife; I knew that; Im remembering more n more that has been buried. I get it! All the deeper love and feelings; because God ordained her to be my wife; I wanted to give her so much love; That came from God.
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So; She is gone; and Ive worked much on this situation; Dear God; I get it; She couldn’t stay around for ever… In her heart; her GOD heart for me vanished; Because it had to; I was no more… She had to move on; she had nothing to hang on to concerning me. The part of her heart that would have an interest from God for us to be together; was taken from her by God so she could move on with her life…
She no longer was under Gods rule to be with me; God was not commanding her heart anymore; nor bringing us together anymore. God let her move on.
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So; Its kind of a dead issue; So; God; Can I move on now? Im asking God that I move on from this and have relationships of a serious making so I can develop my life the way its suppose to..
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Dear God; I want to move on now! I would like my life back from being hijacked please.
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Id like to meet new people and have a new life please; no interest on the old… just move on please.
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Please God; Id like to move on now and let the past go and move on to new people and places and things; co creating those new things with God.
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And Ill keep asking God about this.
Im knocking on the door God to move on please; Let me move on please God!
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Ill keep knocking on this door God; open the door God so I can start a new life please.
Our partner
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