May 2025
April 2025
Phase 2; indicates Im finished with my First Love; This is done through the Universe. I turn to the universe for help and the universe answers. And the universe has been answering; more answers from the universe... She was a sociopath... Its that simple... its that brutal had horrible and disgusting... Deplorable. The problem in situations like this; one does not have a clue what they are getting involved in, I had been getting groomed the whole time. I allowed all my feelings to get involved; I thought this just a nice girl who lived up the street... These people are evil; they have no God. They have a kind of worldly popularity based set of values; and thats all they have; no human values. If one plays the roll of evil; one is in.. If one thinks they are worldly Gods; you are in; regardless of how they tear another human being apart... The do this for thrills to make themselves feel powerful. I got sick of it; and it made me sick to my stomach and alarmed. After being insulted over n over n over in many different ways; I finally left. The problem was; I had already fell in love with the person; Little did I know; there was no person... So; in all humiliation; I actually only fell in love with myself because no real human was present; it was just a degenerate monster.. Devastated and destroyed; I left..
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THe whole experience was created by this person to watch me die inside... Thats all it was...
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Phase 2; Indicates Im ready to look at what is in front of me and set goals for my future...
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FIRST LOVE: A new and more powerful reality from the universe; thus strengthening my position that this person was not safe to associate with in the first place.
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A bit of back story;
So; I need a friend; Im 14 years old and in a new city; This is years ago when I was young. Im Oke stable wise. Im out of a bad bad situation and in someone elses home now. I have no friends and Im grieving the loss of my original home. I can never go back. So; I dont know what to do... I dream of having just a friend; someone on my side that I can be close with and trust. someone that I can work with that will take me to the next level; help me develop...
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Very soon a few guys ask me to go visit someone's house; I decide to go..
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I see myself walking through her front door when young. I see her in the front room.. she working on something. I see her and immediately; My inner child says; " Thats not a friend of mine" And I immediately back track out of her house; out of her yard; backtrack down the street; down across the highway; into the area I live; down the street to the right; down the curve; into the drive way; in through the door up the stairs to the left; all the way to the back; into my room; I get on my knees and pray.... pray for Gods direction for my life and a whole new direction begins...
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What I wrote is the new me with guidance from my higher power... my higher power protecting me. My higher power on my side... my higher power that I cling to...and hold onto...
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I have my higher power and dont even need to go to that girls house anymore or anyone elses when young.
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In this story; I need someone on myside. A friend.
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THis girl who lived up the street; she may have had all kinds of potential for many things; but from the start; the first second I meet her; my inner child says; " Shes not my friend". This means she has no potential nor ever will of being my friend; And thus; it is over before it begins... She is evil; And I back track and get out of there and walk home... never to remember or return. I go home; pray and work with my higher power for a better life and direction away from this person. My inner child knows what is safe and what is not; and these people at this house I went to; with this girl in it; my age at the time; nothing is safe. These people were not safe..
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So; if i were to do it over again; able to go back in time; That is what I would do. I would meet the person and immediately leave and never return and that would be the end of that. I would listen to my inner being and I would backtrack the way I came in and leave and never return.
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NOTE: I can turn to God for anything I want and I have recovery meetings..
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At age 14; What actually happened. I met the girl; But something in me did not leave when it should have. That is the first problem. Next; I told myself; " I can win this person over" " we can become friends". This blunder will cost me dearly in the near future... For I am young and dont understand. This girl had the potential for everything; everything accept one thing; She would nor could ever be my friend. And that was the only reason I was meeting someone. IT was a friend I was looking for... Thats what starts everything; my friendship with another person; with a women. IF she is not my friend; if my inner being does says no from the start; its over right then.
I allowed everything else to get in; to influence my judgment.. I wanted to say yes because I wanted a friend... And those wont work; this will not end good; I was destroyed.
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NOTE: THis girl did not care about me; certainly didnt care about my personal development. Didnt care if she ever met me or ever saw me again... I meant literally nothing to her. And she was that way from the beginning; she was not someone to interact with; If I had not been desperate or didnt like myself or love myself or was so torn down and destroyed; I would have had nothing to do with her... or people like her... She was not my friend. Had no friend potential; so I made a mistake from the beginning. ANd in this case; its no judgement from the beginning of meeting her; If I had been listening to God; I would have backed out of there the moment I met her; I would have slowly backed up and walked out and went home and prayed to God and went in a completely different direction and never heard of her or saw that person ever again. And wished I had never met one more scum bag like this again; complete lawless and Godless...
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So; Im learning; and Im learning from the universe about the truth that was presented to me...
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So; in this new scenario of my past. I walk away from this girl before anything gets started and I never return and that is the end of that with her... Thank GOd...!
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NOTE: IS it really the end of processing relationships tho; I dont think so; I feel better; but would like to feel secure; really feel like Im being taken care of in the present and loved now; so I dont have to worry about yesterday or what happened in it and also to know Im worth it being loved now.
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Activites;
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Hobbies; Ive got a few hobbies.. 2 of them... and they are great.... They keep me out of my room where I hide. All a God thing.
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Music and Art;
Slowly the universe is showing me; certain prerequisites have to be accomplished with music and art.
With music; I have to memorize; read music; write music; learn to play an instrument. I seem to have this insane view of things. I want something first from it before I earn it. Or; I want the fame that goes with it; I want attention. If I dont get attention; I wont do it...
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My work ethic values are flipped upside down. It is the work ethic I must get good at; and work with the universe on learning how to feel safe doing so.
Ive got this problem; I feel like Im stuck in isolation having to learn all this stuff; like Im being treated like a slave. OR Im setting myself up to be used by someone or to become vulnerable where someone can take advantage of me if Im sitting at an instrument... or in a work situation.
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IF I dont get what I want; I aint doing it; the practice. Im not doing all that work for nothing; forget it; it aint worth it; Ill go do something else.
I just want to watch cartoons" This is how I feel; about 7 or 8 or 6 years old.
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As I wake up and attempt to work with a higher power on this; Im soulee-afraid I dont have the maturity for this; something is missing; its a developmental age problem. I haven't developed emotionally to the age to get involved with this; Im to immature...
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Ive been taking work problems and relationship problems to the tables in recovery. And for the most part; its like a family; and I throw the stuff out on that table daily; I pray first; my higher power is in charge; and it seems to be working.
Im looking to create a foundation for myself; my development into those ages that begin to move beyond childhood into independence...
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So; Im throwing it on the table and exploring concepts.
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A new solution for music. Create a song on guitar using only 2 chords; create a song with lyrics; memorize it; and perform it. Talk to God. One thing that may come about this. I may have to start with only one chord on guitar and one line of words or less; really really start at the beginning; Ill pray to God when that might happen... keep working on it.
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Note; Concerning work; seems to be shame; I see bullying.. Not knowing how to handle it; I see immaturity from those I would have to work with; that is really way over my head; I cannot deal with them. I would explode. I see shame; when I was talking about it today at a meeting. Ill keep exploring this.
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I mentioned my work thinking is very schizophrenic like. Its all antisocial and backwards; the thinking. it comes from severe long term abuse and trauma from all sources and no escapes...
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So; Ill be working on it...
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