July 2025
June 2025
Im feeling it; the feeling of fear; as I delve back into my life before; a life destroyed; Technically I still have all the memories; but its like a war I lived.. that life was gone; it was cut off. Im seeing parts of it right now; PTSD.. Im feeling the fear and the overwhelming feeling of lack of safety. But God is allowing the tape to run; a tape that caused my mind to shut off and be warped. Im getting to experience it again; Some of it; The problem is; I cant go back. I had a whole life; but it was cut off with all of its history and meaning and all things that were special about it; it was all cut off and removed and erased; as if I was in a war and I was removed from my country..
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Something new;
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"The girl up the street"; Not only new information from several days ago; I already posted about someone of this new attitude found"; However, I went to a meeting; a very chancy meeting and told everyone; just as Ive already written in my last blog; it was not easy. This is what I told them;
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" I women or girl when I was young; I loved her; I was going to marry her; it was all trauma bond, delusional bonded; psychosis. scherzo.... " She meant nothing to me; I lied about her before when talking about her; I did not like her; I could care less; she was in the way; I was looking for a place to stay; to hide out. I just needed a couch; I wanted to find myself in her house sitting at the end of that couch were I could be safe; I didnt have a cave to hide in; PTSD; I was so tired of living with a parent that didnt want me that I was forced to live with because I had no place to go; these peopl ( parents) didnt like me or want me; they were using me to destroy me; it was fun or them; gave them a sense of power. I was already thrown away over n over several times before I got to my mothers house in this new city with her new husband and his kids or her new step kids and life; I was not wanted their... not by anyone. She was a psychopath and smoothed her way into these peoples lives; I did not want any part of this... I was in survival mode. What was I suppose to do. I was offered to go up the street with this guy and my older brother and by doing so; I met this girl; The guys sister; I met her at her house. As we all ended up at their house.
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I was full of PTSD and non functioning; I was an F student; and by this time with so much trauma; could not function in the school system at all; nothing. I was in complete survival mode; no one cared.
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The friends I had from my previous life did not want me nor care to see me in their neighborhood ever again.
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Looking back; they thought they were better then I was. They were not of course; but they wanted to dominate and control and take over power and be in control so they created a narrative of why I should be near them. Being a decent person was not good enough I guess; meaning me being a decent person; Instead they made me out to be a scape goat... I never knew; never really knew until it was 2 late. I was only hanging out with those friends to use them for a place to escape to; I didnt care who they were. And this when I was very young.
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As for the " girl up the street"; I Was using her for a place to escape to; nothing more. But it wasnt working because she liked me I guess; or wanted to use me. I never trusted her.. I never thought she liked me. I thought she was slumming and desperate and at some point would dump me; So I said forget it; no way; im not getting involved here; no way; but I still needed a place to go. I dont even remember her... nor cared. I didnt care who she was. My mind was so tired of not being looked after or cared about; all my life. it was like I was just floating with those people.
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So; The " girl up the street"; takes a new role for me to talk about; She is now someone I didnt like or cared about; I was in a state of survival mode; PTSD; and just needed a place to hide; what I really needed was help; a mental hospital is what I needed; I was so exhausted and tired... and now I had no home; hadn't had one for many years; and I was a very young teenager... No one cared; nothing. I had no future. The only future I had was getting help later; but no help would come. No one understood; what was the point; I was trusted no one.
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So; this new view of things; I shared this with the group yesterday; very hard; I do not trust everyone in the group. But I did it anyway because I knew God would reward me later.
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The more I tell the real truth within the group; the better Ill get at it later; it becomes my new narrative.
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I also talked to the group about work. Because its been a 4 letter word; " work"; it means others can take advantage of me; thats what it means...
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I was talking to the group about a form of work; writing lyrics; the point of writing lyrics is to prepare a song to be performed in front of others; this is a from of blue collar work; its work to memorize and prepare; and that is my goal; to break through and take this serious; very difficult stuff for me; for various reasons; Most important is memorizing with PTSD; its impossible but I have to do it.. the other is exposing myself and being judged while performing... No one with my background wants to be exposed or judged.
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So; I brought all of this stuff up at a meeting; even with mental illness; is possible to get better if I get honest.
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" The girl up the street'
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Another side of this is; I did like her but could not feel it or admit it until later after she was gone. I never trusted her; but I knew better than to use that as an excuse. I mean; part of me liked her because I thought maybe she was on my side; maybe. But I didnt believe it; it was laughable. I will never knew whether she could have been trust worthy; Ill never knew; does it matter. I dont think so...
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She was being used. She was being used simply for her place. I didnt care how she was acting out around me; it was all about getting away from where I lived. to me she was a stuck up B___ch... Nothing more... She was around me but nothing more; I played the role every time I was around her or up next to her. I was dying inside from the mental condition; what I really needed was a mental hospital; thats what I needed... no one cared.
I assume this women; young women was looking for something; I wasnt it; she had no idea who I really was; or what I was doing there... later she kicked me out basically when she and her family realized I was just hanging around. They never got it; I mean; she had no idea. I thought it powerful for me to get away with hanging around.
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Something happened that shouldnt have happened; I let the child out from inside me and I got kind of attached to her; and in the end I got destroyed for doing that; for she was a fake.. and she was using me... She was no different than my parents or her parents... It turned out not to be a safe place for me to hide; and that caused great sadness for me. Horrible sadness... I wasnt really liked once again. But I really didnt care. The problem was; I had no answers where I was living and no place to go...
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Im not sure why I got interested in or took an interest in the girl; I dont know; it was a joke... The truth was; I felt guilty that I didnt like her. I mean; I just wanted to go home; home to my home town; I didnt care about anything else.
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I didnt care who she was; But I did care if I ever saw her again.. but I didnt care. not at all; nothing. I just wanted to go home but no home existed anymore; I had no place left to go; Nothing; not even a home town; nothing. and no one cared or cared if they ever saw me again.
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However, in my recovery work; those people I knew when young the had such control over me; Im talking about external friends; their value meant everything to me. By working with God; ive slowly learned to let them go and signed a negative view of them; for this is correct; they didnt like me and did not appreciate me hanging out or around their house when I was young; I was not wanted; and I was not liked; they were using me as a scape ghost the same way my parents were using me as a scape goat; The whole world was using me as a scape goat; I had no place safe to live; nothing.
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Bullying is another part of this; maybe for another day; I dont know; I never stood up for myself; I didnt care.. it didnt matter; did it? why would it; It would not change anything of the Bigger problems...
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Anyway? The point is; Im talking about all of this live with others. That means Im bringing it all into the present; because Im bringing me into the present...
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If I continue to tell others in recovery groups; tell them all this stuff about my past; its possible Il become more present and working on stuff and being present; this means a real chance at having a real narrative in my life.
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My life has been about 2 things; What happened to me; and the work Im doing to get over what happened to me.. Being in the recovery process; but theirs been no life... So; the third area developing is the ground work to step out into the world and have a new life; and that means many things; getting honest; learning to work at things again for what I want and building new relationships as I am not has I wanted it to be.
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It seems to be happening; Im extremely damaged; my mind; very weak and scared. still full of PTSD and a ruined nervous system. freaked out never present.
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I made a mistake getting involved with " The girl up the street"; It was a joke; I never meant to; and she took me by surprise because she was setting me up; I never saw it coming.. and I was thrown out and I guess that bothered me; it was like being abandoned again; yet; from another family system; that would be the 9th or something; like the 6th or 7ths including all school systems... and my relatives that were never really relatives; I was lived to; they never wanted us on their property... I was not wanted by them or my other Grandfather... so; that would make 9 family systems.... and numerous school systems... So; no one wanted me or wanted my presence or wanted my future; no one; nothing; I was not safe...
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Things are the same now but they are different now; im more safe; Im old. Seriously; Ill be dead in a few years from old age.
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On dying;
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Ill die at some point. That is a realty for someone getting old. Everyday Im not sure if ill wake up again or get hit with a disease or sickness or something horribly serious that will end my life. Its just the way of things. At some point my time runs out on planet earth; and its coming.
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Im not sure if Im getting the last laugh; for Im getting better and have already gotten better and am coming out of the delusions of the past back into reality; a place I can do things. Something I thought I would never see on this planet. I still plan to get married before I go; and to have a career of things; a few of them. I say this because its possible.
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If I die tomorrow; I still win; Almost... I need more time. But as things are occurring; I mean; I may need another month and thats all; another month to come back to myself without being panicking with fear of moving against the PTSD or other dissociative blocks within me for what has happened to me. I have a kind of freedom most people dont get to earn in this position. ITs actually glorious... I may just be coming back to my childhood. A new childhood but the same childhood and its mine and its safe; Im still triggered by massive PTSD that wants to take all of my mind over when triggered but at times it can take 97% of my mind but their is still a small percentage hanging on to reality these days while Im going through it; a miracle is what that is.
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What does all this mean? It means I can have relationships again and learn to work again at something that interests me; Its not connected to the past; Its not connected to brainwashing that Im no good so whats the point; or the fear of bullies from the past. Im aware of whats in the past and what is presently in front of me...
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IVe proven all of this.
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However, I have a new Matto; see it first because Ive work my way into it; a new way of thinking; once experienced this new thing; talk to God and see if this is the direction Im suppose to go down.
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Today; I try on a new set of shoes and walk around in them for a while before I decide if I like them; I dont just see them or picture them in my mind and decide what direction to go; today its been directed to me by God to experience a thing first before I make a judgment on it... After experiencing it; then God and I can work on the next step forward.
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So; say I wanted to be a performer; I have to do the work to become a performer of an instrument and song writer. I have to go through all the PTSD triggering and survive it; to a point; I write my own songs; memorize them and perform them; that means practicing on the instrument until I am proficient at it for performing; well versed on the subject matter will perform... And I follow through. Once following through for a time; God and I will decide if that is the right direction... This could also mean something like teaching mathematics for example... id have to learn mathematics and id have to learn how to teach; maybe id like it; However, I wont know until ive learned all these things and tried it; and after trying it for a while; then I take it to God and God and I decide if its a workable situation of interest for me...
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This is a hard thing; getting involved so deeply in things; but its the only way; and its my only way...
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If I want to be a painter; I create a body of work and have it hanging in a gallery or an aline store and also selling my work at fairs n stuff; like Saturday morning fair on a street down town and other places; once I experience what its like to be a real artist; then Ill decide if its something I want to be apart of...
And those are the rules these days Im shooting for...
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The reality of things for today.
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Its very hard to talk about the truths of these things in front of others; but Im doing it anyway all the time and will continue to do so.
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The reality is; Im just a beginner at any of this; relationships and work. And creating a workable solution for either. But Im willing and im doing it... its very scary hard work for me; scary and hard to get involved with anything; touch anything physically or mentally or emotionally; to be present; supper hard for someone like me; Im still willing to give a go; and see what happens on a daily basis; see if I can go from talking about it to a workable plan of actually doing it... That is the real situation... Because its a 1000 times harder for me to do anything I say Im going to; a 1000 times hard then for the next guy; and I know that... but Im still will to give a go and see what happens. I will pull it off; but theirs so much fear involved ill crack up; another nervous break down...
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