The Phase serious is about one thing; The progression to accomplish certain goals.
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1. Girlfriend
2. Playing music live.
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Results so far. Girlfriend; First objective is to work through and understand what happened with my First Love; For the most part; all of that has happened/ happened enough. Next; Time to recreate myself in the present and manifest a new life and new girlfriends Down Gods pathways... That would be the next step; to start working on that; and Im at that step.
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Results for Music creation playing live; Well The walls are now down... So; if it is meant to be; its up to me. Ive been using notes on page; like playing with clay; So; I am writing music material; fooling around with it slowly... When a basic piece is finished; Ill memorize it and or learn it and then go perform it at a piano somewhere.
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Mental illness;
I have a major life problem and disability; serious disability; legal disability; and it plays the roll in most if not all the problems Ive mentioned with everything; mentioned within my Blogs; certainly with money matters; material goods… or the requisition of material goods and certainly all relationships pertaining to future prosperity and specifically important relationships concerning the procurement of romance and happiness and the allotment of a girlfriend/wife…
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Mental illness stops all hopes of having a wife. However, because Im aware of it; Im always working on strengthening areas of my personality that can be strengthened that the universe find me fit and favor for such pep n vinaigrette assignments as marriage vows; to be in relationships..
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Mental illness stops all hopes of doing and being involved in anything on planet earth; For my mind is to weak.
Knowing this; I work on strengthening areas within my personality with Gods help. And so far; altho slower I think; then most; I am seeing manifestations of forms show up at some point; so I am very happy.
It is sad that no one understands me.. However; Im around dangerous crowds at time in the recovery process and I don’t want them to understand all of me. For many; I resemble the problems of what ever room subject or meeting type Im within.
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Regardless of the meeting name or type of meetings I attend; much of the allocation of resources I pull in from such places are covertly centered onto my mental illness problem relief bank; altho Ill never explain it that way when sharing; I always talk about the hurts n habits and hangups or the emotional codependency problems; or the alcohol drinking in the bar; or the drug overdoes in high school that got me here! What ever the meeting; I speak as one of the best of them in the room.. When I go to a new room; Ill take that slant in order to fit in. At the end of the day; It mainly always centers more around mental illness then anything else; the help I need and want.
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So; no matter what program I'm in; I switch it up; switch up the topics and I perform like a monkey to the crowd in some respects; change ties; changes coat colors to suit the requirements of any meeting. However; what I really get out of the meetings is for my ruptured soul and personality/nervous system to seek relief.
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All of this recovery time + my original mental health therapy life; The first half of my life; All of this time has given me a tremendous amount of mental health enrichment. However; altho the fruit is good; It wont cant fix the ailment.
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I spent my younger life walking around lost in complete sadness with no connection to the world; and no one cared and no one cared if they ever saw me again; no one! Its as if I never existed… And with all the brutal mental health problems; I could barely function around others.. if not at all; and in many cases; others didn’t know what to do or think of me… they labeled me strange or wield; no one wanted me… I was thrown away always… No one wanted me in the first place.
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THE POINT;
The point is; the mental health problems are 100% still. Altho I've made much improvement to how I feel inside and connective in the world; I still have a broken brain and mind. It still does not function…
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Ive recently been able to finally work through and understand what happened to me half a century ago; And for me; This is absolutely winning the lottery. To someone else; sadly; in the rest of the world it means very little. Its a kind of Grand silent victory for me. To others around me; it would mean nothing at all.
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My life; my whole life is covert secret; made up of Grand silent victories… With all of the work that has creates these victories; Ive done quit well.
Deep on the inside; God is working overtime for me and with me… On the outside; some may see me get better some may not. Others not carrying. I will end up feeling allot better in the end.
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Im forced to be 2 people in the world; the inner person can only relate to therapists and sensitive people who have been murdered over n over so many times… Innocent people being destroy; they never came back from their injuries; permanently disfigured. And thus; I as well.
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I ride a bike; I live on state housing. I use food-stamps… Im a high functioning mentally ill… Im still mentally ill. The damaged was never fixed; my mind; my nervous system is ruptured and stays so.
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NOTE; Most don’t see me this way within the recovery process.. Its a much more crude allotment of survivors… I learned to survive with them; and this over all strength training helps me keep lean n mean in the mental health world recovery process.
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My mind is much better then before; Ive done allot of work to try to become present and purposely working on Goals with the universe that would help me become present… Why would I become present? Because goals require it; and thus; the universe does what I imagine I want; I assume the roll of having what I want and the universe bends in that direction for me and thus; I have to become present to participate in such things. Thus; the universe must Bring me from protected fantasy into the present…
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For example; I wanted the ability to perform music live. The universe had to bring me into the present to do this; The universe had to heal me at certain levels and allow me to start roaming around in my imagination as if I was expressing myself outside. And thus; with much much work and time; Ive become someone that can now show signs of creating music or working with notes on page; like it was clay; slowly forming songs of my interest; once those songs are to my liking; I will start practicing them and thus; at some point; perform them live. And I don’t feel any blocks right now; concerning it; However; I feel the real stress against my mental illness for working at such goals and playing live outside; but I don’t feel the blocks stopping me…
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Ill have to do allot of grinding work; O well! Everyone has to. So; Im not suggesting I wont need lots of character to pull things off; but Im free to do so if I want to. We will see. I have started writing with notes on page again and fooling around with sets of notes; rearranging them in different orders on the page; much like a potter uses clay reforming a cup design or a bowl into a workable pieces of modern usable Art. \
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Im trying to say something here. What am I trying to say; Well; With all the Bright lights; Nothing has changed… My hope of being a part of my interactive life has changed; my attitude about change has changed. Things are much more positive for me…
However; I still live a covert world. A world of a broken mind and brain and nervous system; even if I don’t show it to others; even if I appear to get better; be more relaxed socially. Actually I am more relaxed around people and Im much more social; its much different then before; but Im still broken and I don’t do much in the outside world.
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And the recovery world is a hard one for me; vampires cause much problems… When I get treated badly; I have to stop that meeting place and go somewhere else; Im never really able to feel safe… But then it was a gamble to try to feel safe in the first place in some of these meeting places; Ive been stalked numerous times; sometimes by dangerous people. Ive been at this for a long time. Ive dated some women from these places and Ive had many interested in me; alas; sociopaths of one sort or another covert or not so covert; but not safe..
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I like my recovery process; its fantastic relative to many I think. Im very lucky to have all of this… relative to the recovery limitations of what could have been in my situation.
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Im not sure if Im making myself clear;
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To the rest of the world; My little world would look insignificant and so very small to many. The things Im trying to overcome; that may take me the rest of my life; are things a 16 year old can accomplish in months or even weeks… It may take me the rest of my life to accomplish these things; any form of these things… But; I believe they can be done and Ill continue to work at them.
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Im grateful just to be on this spiritual journey. However; Unless I manifest a mansion and a rich wafe; Ill be on state housing as before riding my bike; I don’t have a car and cant handle the reality of a car… I don’t have the maturity for it..
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MATURITY;
Ive mentioned this many times within the recovery process; situations I cannot handle because of maturity problems. My whole life I cant handle nor have I ever been able to because of maturity problems.
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Ive literally lived in my head in deep deep spaces deep down within myself for most of my life; and thus; never really outside the inner world of my mind and the broken PTSD revolving Carousel from hell.
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Today; much of this is much opened up more; but still a giant room beneath the service is reality; Its like living in 2 different worlds… Being ripped between both world; both demanding my attention; and 2 different attitudes Im fighting at the same time. Below; a serious sensitive survival attitude; On top in the open world; a more joking outgoing expressive me! And at time tho; a closed down closed off me.
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I HAVE DIRECTION;
So; I have direction! My direction is to learn success based materials that will help me to acquire my desires/goals… And I can spend the rest of my life working on these goals; whether it be girlfriends or money or the ability to manifest a personality that can become deep and disciplined enough to create Art work all day long and understanding its importance in my life or maybe a Car with all the extra costs taken care of. Can I focus in my imagination on a Car and all its extra costs to the point of assuming it will happen for me and wait for these hardened thoughts to become reality; Can I? I have allot of goals to focus on.
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I have the rest of my life to work on it! What does this mean; It means is about therapeutic considerations.
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So my life is ever challenged…
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I have a working relationship with a higher power I depend on for everything; Sometimes my broken mind doesn’t work with my higher power the way I want it to; it shuts down or dissociates instead of taking chances; My mind does not want to become broken again; thus is paranoid of taking chances in the outside world. However; with no chance taking; No goals will be accomplished; and all things start with Asking for what I want and opening my imagination.
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Naive and problems in the outside world. (of a person or action) showing a lack of experience, wisdom, or judgment.
"the rather naive young man had been totally misled"
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Unfortunately; in my brain situation; because of dissociation and mental illness; Ive not picked up much real world abilities…
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Ive mentioned in my blogs; Many Vampires posing as nice people at first; ripping me to pieces with no remorse… And thus shutting the door on me never to see me again; Horrible; but Part of the Forest… and part of my Naive condition.
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The Forest is a dark place at night; if one goes out unprotected; they may not make it back by morning. And thus I experiences the sad horror of this so many times when young; I had no one on my side and completely alone… And in desperation I sought others for safety and caring and friendship and companionship that they might understand my plight; Instead; they turned out to be the monsters I was trying to protect myself from; And is this not classical examples of the Naive heading out into the Forest with no protection.
The Predators don’t dress up in Predator suits with signs on their faces and backs saying “ Predator here; please donate yourself to us”.
A real predator in the Forest will dress up as the most normal average person on the planet; so much so; one will trust them on site; And that's what I did; to many times; and I was raped murdered and destroyed and numerous ways from the Jackals and demonic forces… I was no match for them; I never even saw them coming.
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I had Jackals dressed up as faked future girlfriend; Best friend guy friends; family members; school teachers; You name it! Non of them my friends… Nothing… I was completely ruined.. over n over! Ruptured over n over n over! These were no friends; they were faking it in order to wait for those moments they could attack and they did in their own ways…
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So; Im a vessel of extreme damaged goods trying to find my way in the world with Gods help…
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I have to be covert in most situations; hiding deeper wounded me..
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I have goals and hope if I stay right minded.
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Thus; Im just checking in as I head forward down the God pathways to learn how to manifest my dreams.