The beginning development of new Identity

by **OMNICELL** on Thu Feb 01, 2024 7:59 pm

NOTE: Dissociative Disorder; Identity problems; Amnesia…
Im writing allot about my inner thinking and how I struggle to wake up and understand what is actually going on in the outside world. My mind is damaged and Im not connected well to the outside world. Most of my struggle is within my own mind; its broken and I try to understand the outside world. Im trying to get better. Ive not always found myself with the right people; with safe people to get better. And I write about the struggle of being me with my mental problems and trying to interact with the outside world. Amnesia is always a main topic problem. Im trying to wake up and remember my Identity… it seems when I can regain parts of my original identity; Things start to make sense and go better for me.
Ive noticed most of my writings are about the struggle to wake up in an indifferent confusing world.
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Absent family system…. And that is the problem…
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And this created Anxiety Disorder…
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Im dealing with Absent Family system and anxiety wall…
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Dear God; where do I go from here….?
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And thus it begins…
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The first thing that comes to mind from the universe is replacement… A replacement mother; a replacement father…
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A replacement family.
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NOTE: I need this replacement family so I can develop under God again. I plan to go back into my childhood and start over and create new narratives and this will require allot of help from people and places and things; and it will be all new help… And God must supply it; Im depending on the brain of he universe for me to do Gods will not mine.
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How can this be done. I think in my case; God would rather use movies; using cyber people; movie stars from the past or TV shows to learn from. God doesnt want me venturing around other people or their families who cancel me; lied to me, set me up, burn me. use me; manipulate me simply because Im in a weaker state of need…
Im needing relief; and others can see this vulnerability as something to take advantage of. Ive been through this before… So; No more Fake family systems taking advantage of me; Today; God brings a segregate mother and father into the forms of reality by other means; Safer means… A Cyber Mother and Father that I need; a representation of a Family system I need.
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God brings in surrogate family systems that believe in God. The primary power source and security of these family systems is God not the world. Im not sure who or what this really will mean; God knows; God will help me… Its about support as I go through my journey.
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And this is what I would be praying for…
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NOTE; Ive had therapy on many mental health issues associated with the neglect abuse bulling sexual abuse abandonment and so on from being thrown away in such an awful fashion; A deplorable state. Meaning; no more family; thrown out on my own or alone….
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Ive worked on resentments.. And Ive found it all comes down to an absent family system in all forms also including an empty family core; Nothing their… The main overseers of the family system were psychopaths; Thus; these monsters have no soul; no core; nothing; its a complete empty core system… Nothing there… No soul!
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Because I have no experience dealing with anyone’s soul in a family system; I do not have a sense of right n wrong dealing with anyone’s soul outside this family original monstrous soulless family system. Thus; no sense of right or wrong when dealing with outsider strangers. I cant tell what kind of souls they have; good or bad. A bad soul feels normal to me; safe; something I can work with. However; I don’t realize Im attracted to bad souled people; until its 2 late; and its an jolting affront… Im taken back when I realize the person I made into my close friend; actually wanted nothing to do with me!
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Ive been in many situations when young; I thought I was creating cultivating friendship from nice people; they turned out to be sociopaths just like the family system I came from; I could not tell anything was wrong until I was at their house and listening to their opinions of me and others. I listened to them cut me down And other brothers and sisters and never really saw the red flags. I never understood; I was not wanted by them or respected by them… Nor did they want me ; Nor did they want me to come back… I didn’t know this… I just did not feel anything was wrong when everything was wrong. In some cases it took years before it was slammed in my face; they didn’t want me. In other cases; I was being played week after week after week with people who didn’t value me or they were never attracted to me.
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NOTE: To hang around people who are not attracted to me is a very dangerous thing. They do not care what happens to me. They have contempt for me; even being in their presence… These people will play me into the ground and do not care. They never planned on seeing me again anyway; so playing me and torturing me this way is laughable to them.
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Today under God; hopefully God brings me safe spaces…
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So; I have to work with God… And find out how that feels…. And thats what Im doing Now… What it feels like to be with the right people.
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ASKING GOD ABOUT FAMILY:
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Im now asking God to transplant a family system my direction to my pathway; under Gods care and umbrella of love; “Gods will not mine!” For the security and safety of my life… To be back inline again under civilization.
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DATING WOMEN; ROMANCE
This is important. I am getting stronger. Im getting stronger in the sense of frequency. Ive had some success at getting up to speed for some things over the last several years.
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As for women; Its all Good; Just, “ Not yet”! Im not old enough; emotionally. The time will come as I gain more strength and development… It will happen. Ill already be up to speed… ( Im working on other base level developments right now) Ill switch it toward women under my higher-powers care and go from there… But not yet; Im not even on that plain. Im on several decks below working on base level development… As I grow; I will grow into those upper decks.. Not even yet. I have to become myself first; become myself again. And I can remember when I was very young getting ready to go through this independent development so I could become myself again… However; thats when I was being destroyed when young.
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NOTE: Ive had experience watching my interests come up to speed. Im worked at walking the journeys that I become up to speed for my interests. Ive worked with God on this…
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The cool thing is to recognize Im way off.
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A gap exists between me and women… Women are on a higher playing field; Im not at that deck right now; it will take more growth and maturity to go from deck to deck re establishing myself as a person out in society. Ive been a dropout for a long time and have to deal with the challenges of many areas. God is and will help me with development abilities. All of this will take time. Lots of pre work to do in other areas before Im at the level of dealing with relationships. Today; I have to work my way into a new way of thinking; and that work will take time… God wakes me up as I do the work.
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For example;
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Working on specific areas of emotional maturity;
Its like Im the ages of 8-10 in the maturity range Im working on right now; once I surpass this; Ill naturally move onto ages 11-13. After conquering those ages; and platforming them. Ill naturally move on to 14-17; This age group is about developing the ability to interact with the opposite sex for relationships. So; one age at a time. I have lots of work to do here.
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I have Amnesia and must spend allot of time going back n forth through all the years of my young life trying to wake them up through Gods help. Its all good; Its just necessary. Because Im making progress; I want to work at these things more n more.
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BICYCLES:
Ill pray about this…
Maturity issues;
Its time to learn how to work on my own bikes… Ill work with God on this… Im not their yet… Ill talk to God about this… Lots of work to do in order to catch up.. its all good OKE> A gap of resistance and anger and pain; almost from sexual abuse time period; so; I can feel and see the mass dissociation; Ill work with God on this.
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Ill pray about this; Im looking at spring maybe; I don’t know when I could be up to speed maturity wise. Ill work on this.
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WHERE AM I AT RIGHT NOW…
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1. Lets get back into my music art creation and my hobbies
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2. Getting up to speed to family neighborhood level; much like when I was a kid. Simply to work through the blocks to get back to that kind of living; meaning; feeling its normal again and comfortable to be in a family and be in a neighborhood. I work through this in my imagination. So; this is one of the main areas of practical challenge and change Im working on.
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And their it is…
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Losing weight; ill look into it; Ive been thinking about it and working out; scared about my shoulders tho…
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STARTING TO CHANGE;
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Social college guy; the connection;
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My personality dropped out of life years ago and Im trying to wake it up…
Its starting; starting to surface… Im like looking around and not getting ran over… my eyes are popping up out of the hole and Im looking around; cautiously.
I was thinking about college years and right before college years and being a person that knew what he wanted to do with his life and to have a feeling of independence.
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Im showing signs of opening up. I talked with a friend about art… Also; I took another look at a women I once knew; Ive now changed my mind. I was 2 naive and didn’t understand who I was talking to or the danger of it. Ive got to watch that… Not everyone is nice or the girl next door…
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As I wake up; Im not enough; its like; I used to say; OKE. Im going to try anyway… And see what happens.
I gave up this kind of behavior at some point in the past.
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Heres the deal; this is where I failed. I failed to go after people places and things that have something to do with God at the end of the chain instead of the devil. I mean this for real. I actually never went after God people but wanted God results… It did not end well for me. No one valued me…
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I have to go down God pathway…
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Im easily fooled. I saw a women years ago. For a moment She liked me; after the moment; nothing. She didn’t like or care about me or what happened to me or if she ever saw me again; I can easily be replaced. Im easily fooled.
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Women of the past;
She was not the nice girl next door:
Why didn’t I know this; This is the part where Im asleep I thought she was like a future wife. When in reality; She was a pretty face and someone to sleep with who was replaceable because I meant nothing to her. Why did I think I meant something to her. She was a real confident player. I mean really experienced. Im not experienced. I have no experience compared to people like this… ( are these really the type of people for me to associate with).
I thought this girl took an interest in me; I was wrong; Im replaceable. I thought I had found an example of how nice girls want to marry me. “I let me believe a false lie”; I thought I was popular… I wasnt. I had a few evil people hitting on me… It meant nothing more. I was way way way out of my league. So much so; I will never be in that league or that life ever; not even once. My life plan with God does not include such players or people of that sort… Nothing… It just doesn’t. They are so far out of my league. And why would I ever need to interact with a league like that; for what! I don’t even need to know any one of that league… In fact it kind of makes me sick; they do…
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The real question is; what am I doing around them or in their fold; in their wake; in their presence; in their business; in their hive. How did I get into their lives. Did I wake up and find myself in their lie… What am I doing; isnt that dangerous; I think so….. Im trying to rebuild my identity and Im confused.
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Women from the past...
I spent years thinking someone had actually liked me. I was a bit naive of the game… But its a game of the diseased. And one would ask; How did I get around these people?
These are evil people. And I have to watch my step. In fact; I don’t even have to be around them; but for that to occur; I have to grow and change into a person socially that matures into the fold of nice people and thus; that would be my campus of flourishion. Im a nice person and proud of it; but its easy to get confused thinking Im wanted for who I am when in reality; no one cares if they ever see me again. I was giving credit to people who I thought I were outstanding when in reality they were evil witches with no regard to sanity.. Just pure evil. And yet; I let them get close to me and I was innocently confused by that. Very confused. I thought I was loved by them. No; They did not love me; They didn’t love anything or anyone. But they were totally open about that; why didn’t I check that first… That is truly the big question. So; I sheepishly walk away once I had the gutz to expose who they are; so I can really see who they are. When I find out they are nothing… Im kind of stunned; “ Why was I around them in the first place” “ what is going on here”.
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Im an innocent person who finds myself in the wrong creek on the wrong side of town. I think I know the water creatures coming and going and I don’t. But I don’t know that I don’t. I can go for years thinking they are one thing when in reality they are poison and I didn’t even know. Dissociative disorder… Identity problems I suffer from…
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When much younger;
So; the girls don’t necessarily like me. They just found me attractive once for like a second. But these were players. And that means I was somewhere in the vicinity of player groups where I had no business being; I found myself in the wrong leagues of people. Wrong people.
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NOTE: As I read this blog; I have no life. Im barely present because of mental health issues. I'm unable to establish any kind of identity…
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So; A Question; relationship exists between me and the players?… But; that cant be; because Im not a player; so no relationship exists between me and the players. What does exist; proximity. Im nowhere near their league. They are non of my business and I wouldn't want those scum bag filth to be anywhere near me or my personal life…
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NOTE: I was playing the role of a wanna be player; but had no idea what I was getting into… I was naive and innocent… if I had been experienced; I would have understood just how dangerous those people are.
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The mistake is on their part; they thought I was a player Because I purposely put myself in their vicinity… So; its not about them. Its about me waking up and slowly backtracking; back to my league away from the players league. I mistake was made. Somehow I got confused with a player. I not sure how. I made the mistake of saying hello to the wrong people.
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Im dissociative and I may think Ive got others figured out. When in reality; Im immature and kind of innocent and I don’t have a clue about anything. I don’t have a clue what Im doing or what I have gotten myself into… And Im observing; I have no idea what is really going on with anyone…
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Those type of people are murky to me; I really don’t know anything about them or what they think or how they think. I know they have 100 times the experience that I do with the opposite sex; and dating and relationship stuff and being a player and popularity and social status and everything like that; so much of it; its like 30000 hours of experience vs my 1 ½ hours of private experience. And yet; my private experience is personal… Not that its anyone's business.
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These are top players in their game and they attract top players in their game. I don’t even know their game. And I really don’t have any business being within 100 miles of them.
So I could be wrong. Im making assessments of people way way out of my league that I know nothing about… and its scaring me that Im finding out I was wrong because I know nothing. No one wanted a relationship with me. I must have been insane. Well; I was never around anyone to have a relationship with. I did judge some people around me; they were not my type…
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NOTE: I never found my type. I was not able to find anything. Yet; its important to have an answer for these paragraphs just written. “ I never found my type”. And thats the problem. I never ventured out to find any type or be around the right people. I was 2 broken.
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NOTE: So; all of this comes back to myself; If I want something and to have success at it; I have to define what I want; stop blaming others; anyone. Get in touch with a higher power; Gods will not mine and start working with success based material that shows how to set goals and go after what I want… Leave the rest of the world out.
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The problem has been; Ive done absolutely nothing. I never did set a goal and go after it… concerning relationships… never done correctly; That just means I was not on target. And I have to keep working with God on things and learn how to become the kind of person God wants me to become that I can meet people God is sending my way… Those people being sent my way have been filtered through God… So; The idea is; Im safer… We will see…
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My problem is maturity; thats what these development training's are for….
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TONIGHT:
“A break through; a major huge breakthrough”.
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I broke through socially tonight; broke back into the college guy I used to be. As I was speaking; I began to open up freely with confidence; not of someone of a 12 step meeting; but more like; someone in the lounge at a University… And it happened. And now that it happened; Ive broken through or surpassed where Im at…
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Im in a vulnerable position right now; im just barely waking up. I mean; it may have really sounded good tonight; becoming this present voice; it happened tonight; becoming that college guy tonight… If Im a college guy again; I need to be at a University; not a 12 step group; That is the point. Its about identity. And thus; my Identity is growing back to itself again from the inside out; From God and Core and inner child self… Inner being aligned with the universe. Im becoming the college guy again.
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NOTE: When one of these players notices me; its for that moment; for that day; for that hour; but when that hour is up; Its up; They are already moved on. They don’t even remember my name; They are brutal human opportunistic. Im guessing they think Im one of them; If they are a vampire; they think Im a vampire who is just playing hard to get. SO; that is an example of the nightmare I can find myself in if I hang around these monsters… However; regardless of judging them; Im simply not suppose to be around them. Im of the complete opposite hemisphere of these people.
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NOTE: I just said the answer to my Identity; “ However, regardless of judging them; Im simply not suppose to be around them; Im of the complete opposite hemisphere of these people.

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NOTE: The question would be; What am I doing around the wrong people; How can I find the right people under God… Im not talking about going to Church!~
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FATHER MOTHER/FAMILY SYSTEM>
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Lots of examples of family systems on TV. Lots of Fathers and Mothers from TV shows. Lots of wholesome examples of families from old movies; So; Ill be working with God watching those movies… Looking at their example of what kind of cyber mother or father God can bring me for my new narrative practice life.
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Where do I go from here;
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Stay put! Im just beginning to learn how to talk to God.
Work with God to come back to live; come back to life.
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Signs show that something good is happening… I think Ill let it happen…..
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A new beginning!
Im showing signs… but its at the beginning of the development. Its all internal; its an inside job. The universe is waking me up from the grave because I ask to be awakened but more importantly; it is a gift from the universe for turning to the universe for help. I had nothing left and turned to the universe; and the universe helped me. And continues to help me… And will continue to help me. Ill continue to get help from God/Universe.
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Right now is a special time; I need to be protected and safe as I grow… So; God please help me Amen..
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NOTE: As I wake up; I realize just how much this all has to do with losing my life and house and neighborhood and way of life when I was young. God is now recreating me back into that person before all this happened. However; I do feel as I wake up now; I feel it; Wheres my house; wheres the neighborhood; wheres the hope the future; wheres my friends. Wheres the backyard. The point; is; its incredible; whats going on inside of me; a smile comes over my inner child as he is back in his element in his neighborhood in his memories… The problem is; I the adult am not back there. I don’t live their anymore. So this causes massive kind of stress… Hopefully God will render all this together and make a person out of it.
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As I wake up physically right now. the universe is waking up my inner core… and my childhood is of interest again… I can see a separate source from the universe bringing universal energy in from underneath…
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NOTE: Im not getting my new power from anywhere on the world; its coming from the sky; From the Stars…
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Im also able to look back at abuse of criminals taking advantage of me and trying to close down my original identity; Shutting me down from Being attached… I had no help; no one to help me! Nothing!
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Im writing for a reason…
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My identity is starting to get created… God is recreating it. However; Im in a rough time. Im getting triggered by the memories of criminals attacking me when a child… being bullied by scumbags… and adults… unbelievable.
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Fear…
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Maturity development…
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So; thats kind of what Im working on.
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A certain journey occurs to get up to speed for the next basic level of being present; present for myself and not dissociated; This will take some work. All I can do is be guided by God moving forward… Ill keep working forward slowly with foot steps down a pathway… Ill practice this into my pathway through my imagination in three\D First person Point of View…
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Im on this journey… Ill work through many things on this next basic journey; I can already feel it. Ill work on it; I cant make it go any faster. I can attempt to help the situation to make it a richer deeper experience and that I can gain better knowledge while going through it. Im on the right track with God…
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NOTE: Work and Relationship maturity; Non existent.
The warped and schizophrenic like condition dissociative disorder created kept me from either work or relationships. I was destroyed long before the ages of work and relationships… I was violated; my space in those tender years of development that require protection was destroyed; I was alone. I was completely shut down in shock; terrorized… In a state fight or flight freeze state.. Petrified… and much worse. Finally becoming dissociated from reality.
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Now; it looks like those time periods are slowly being challenged; mainly from all the years of recovery work leading up to this.
Also; my desires to get better are creating a better position for my goals to come true. The Universe; that living thing I communicate with 100 times a day; is helping me… Meaning God Jesus is helping me and protecting with Gods Angels..
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How long will this take; I don’t know; Ill have to feel everything and move forward. I don’t know. Within my imagination I am creating walkways forward; This is through or beyond the anxiety wall. And when I do; I go a little further each time and I feel just a little of it each time. When I feel it; it becomes present.
When I walk further beyond the anxiety wall; Im hitting on new ground or ground that's never been touched before or maybe only a few times in my adolescence or my very young child life or grade school life… I had never gone this far in self.
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So; I feel the uncomfortable of all of this.
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Light from the clouds… Hard work; lonely work, but worth it; lots of work…
So; I could not be happier… Im getting allot of great help From God Jesus Universe and Gods wonderful friends… Who are showing themselves…Angles and the dead rising from the graves; Lucky me! Thank you God Thank you God Thank you God Thank you God Thank you God..
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So; as I wake up; I get it a bit; My identity and my childhood. Getting it rebuilt; but this time without those fake people of the past; My Fake friends and their families who never wanted me; the fake ones I had no idea about; those down the street to the right of my house; the north side… Non of them were my friends. I didn’t know that when young; I thought they would accept me; they did not; they thought they were richer and better… I didn’t under those concepts when a child; I was just looking for a friend.
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They were so hi brow; they wouldnt even tell me to leave because it was beneath them to to have to shuffle a stranger out the door; they felt that was below them; it was dirty work better set for servant classes. I simply had no idea what I had gotten myself into. I was just looking for a friend; I wasnt looking to be torn apart… I was just a child.
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I being a nice sensitive person; I thought I would be liked. I was not; I did not come from the right amount of money… Its that simple. I mean; its sickening. But that's exactly it. That also tells me I was on the wrong course; I was heading toward a world where the doors were shut to me and I never knew it.
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So; The main point is; Im getting my identity back. It seems to be coming back; Its like; Im seeing parts of it and thats it; other areas are all shut off. So; I don’t know…
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NOTE: The lesson is; Let them come to me first; who do I attract; who do I matter to?
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OCCUPATIONS;
So; Something else that came to me. I was watching a video on people going to college university; They pic’d a major; they had a direction; Suddenly the part of me that needs to be awake started to awake… my identity started waking up.
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I began to see myself; feel myself with energy; see myself in college studying something I wanted to study. This is important because its the part of me I originally used for independence building with a career… And its coming back. Its my original self that would build a career or interest that would take me through University work of a subject of interest; Its that part of me that builds a career independently; its that natural part of me that is independent: That wants to develop.
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NOTE: Its very hard for me to be back in that position of feeling safe and good about myself to a point of finding something I want to do with my life… This is one the the most hard it areas of my identity and personality and life. Im showing signs of coming back to this… Its happening; Im not sure how I will handle it.
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PROBLEM; Still need identity protection.
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Im in the infancy of development of my Identity; My original Identity. Waking up. Pieces slowly moving in my direction I guess. Im not really in control of it; Just working with God… Amen God; Amen.
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NOTE; Im showing signs of being up to speed for these new things in my life; like the reassurance of my origional self.
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GOAL;
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The concept of; the Identity of;
Family
Neighborhood
Relatives
Calmness of a social middle class identity…
Being part of House, yard, Christmas and Holidays…
Coming from a family; from a clan a place a House a Street… A way of life.. My Home Town…
New memories of inner family living; successful living, family living…. Living successfully in a neighborhood.
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Im starting to get some of this Identity back… Its starting to surface from the Amnesia… Im very lucky this is coming back; coming back to who I am; where Im from; How I see myself; not how someone else sees me. My Identity is defined by me not someone else… Im remembering who I am; God is the power source; the Universe; And Im starting to remember how it feels to belong… And Im starting to get that back and I much need that and want that and am working with God to get that back… That is what these writings are all about; These blogs.
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More changed; Im getting better.
I can hear it when I share. Im getting stronger and better; At some point Ill be able to go outside as myself. And be honest with myself; strong enough. Its showing up in my meetings. Its a strength added in place of the weakness of smashed identity/ Dissociative disorder.
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So; it has its specifics… Im louder stronger with my own deep beliefs; I bring them out around others; and Im strong about my beliefs now around others… Im getting their. Its been a million years since this.
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A question was asked today. “ Am I afraid of the future”; It was a funny question; The answer is NO!~
Im already living my future…
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Being old; Certain problems are going to occur with old age. And I kind of didn’t want to bring that up because the young group of people I was with were not talking about that; they don’t know about that. No one knows about that until they are in their 50’s and finally 60+….
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So….
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Im doing really well! The areas my identity has had problems seems to be getting better. Ive shared that God is the reason Im getting better.
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NOTE; Billionaires information on how to create success and goals; can show a person how to set up a future for what ever that person wants out of life; how to be successful. But a young person who's not at that frequency of wanting to know yet; They wont touch this stuff.
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NOTE: I believe a person has to get to the end of their rope to touch this success stuff; learning how to create success; where they take the information seriously and follow through with learning it.

A person has to get beat down to the point they really want to know how to set up a future for themselves; When they are ready to be the student; there are plenty of sites and you-tube channels and experts on how to do this… How to change ones life. Ive mentioned the Book ; Think and Grow rich; Napoleon Hill. This is a foundation book; if the reader is hungry enough to really get into the book and work on it… This leads to other law of attraction coaches… BoB Proctor is a great coach… Im sure he still has stuff online. He died a few years back… He was old… Abraham Hicks has good stuff. Shes a bit witchy; That didn’t stop me… Jesus said go learn from her from a distance. So I watched her vidoes and learned; all great… “ Take what you like and leave the rest”.
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Whats worked for me; whats working for me;
Because of the recovery work and working the steps with a sponsor over n over n over in 12 step groups; The 10, 12+ strait years of serious therapy before this… 10 years of success based thinking process material like The book; Think and Grow Rich; and other law of attraction information; I use ideas created by laws of attraction coaches… Ive mentioned some of them. All of these things worked. The success based thinking practices; I use this religiously; its a way of life for me; and a hobby… I use the universe/God; my natural guidance system hooked up to the universe and the laws of attraction coaches techniques. I like to use Think and Grow Rich; The Book; as the base. And Im not alone; whole movements of wealthy people have used it.
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I have allot of experience using my imagination recreating my future to a point; Im living and have been living what Ive already been creating… So; Im living my future inline with the universe and God… I pray about it all the time on my knees. And I meditate… hopefully Ill do more…
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I could have helped others;
The point is; I could have helped any one of those people in the group today; helped them learn the functional outlines for creating a successful future the way I have. Mine has not been about money yet. Its been about mental illness. However; Im having success because its brought me closer to my higher power.
The point is; I didn’t hear anyone jumping over to talk to me about how to have a real future… I could have helped many people; No one was ready to get help. And let me say; I doubt they would go through me to start the process; who am I to them. But the point is; When student is really ready; The teacher will appear and their 10000s of teachers in the world who can help with this kind of thing. Amen.
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NOTE: Ive read that many don’t start looking for that real success change in life until they get 50 years old. Things have to get hard for people before they break and are willing to change and look for alternatives in life.
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STRENGTHENING SELF: BACK INTO THE NEIGHBORHOOD>
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Im remembering now….
Im remembering now…..
When I remember; I mean; I own it again; its part of me now… I own those memories…
As I remember and the memories come back; I become that identity based on those memories…
Since no one is attached to these memories of my early childhood; They are GOLD; they are all mine.
I get to jump around in my original self; my original dreams. My original way of life. My free thinking and goals… goals I had when I was a kid. Nothing has changed. The only thing thats changed; Im coming back to becoming that kid. I get to remember what I was doing; I get to be at that level; but this time; Im not rejecting myself because I don’t live in the same house. It doesn’t matter; Im growing as if I was living in that house. My original identity Is becoming alive… and I with it.
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My original dreams; all coming back. The fake people I spent time when young? They are not coming back; and they are not needed; I have God; Hes bringing back my original identity. God is bringing friends to help me.
My make-believe today is my believe. Its real.
It starts with God; It starts with work in my imagination.
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I get to go back in time and live and remember and feel. I get to feel what I was feeling; I get to associate those feelings with activities… And I get to own them as real-estate of my Identity. My Identity is slowly being taken over from my original self. I am hitting some PTSD. But its not going to work.. Its hazing or blocking and doing no good for there is nothing of interest in the PTSD or time period. I gained nothing… I can always take that to God and begin a journey; a new narrative can be created.
I can imagine what ever I want; I can look back in time see myself as a child playing in the snow in the backyard and ask God and work with God to allow me ( that same child); to have opportunities to play in snow right now in a backyard. Im the same guy; Thats what cool about it; transferred identity from then to now. And for that to happen; I work with God now to create situations of the same feelings. And suddenly the same level feelings of the past show up.
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OTHER IMPORTANT ISSUES:
99% of the people of the past have been proven useless or complete strangers. What does this mean. I means I thought allot about people; who they where. I was wrong. So; I missed out on nothing! They were never the people qualified to bring me happiness in the first place.
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Once I started waking up and taking a closer inventory of these people; I found something very interesting; To start with; whether they be good people or bad; was not the most important issue to start with. The most important issue; I did not reorganize them. I had created an idea in my mind of who they are. I found out I was wrong. When I mean wrong; I mean they were a completely different person then I had imagined. It would have been a horror show if I would have hooked up with them or tried to become a friend of theirs. Im not sure most of them even valued friendship. So; I mean; nothing their.
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I have God and success based thinking information and abilities. I don’t need crummy people. They are useless to me; Im not missing out; I have lots of enriched options through my high power… Thats where my power comes from; my power base.
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Note; My higher comes into practical use when I decide on a goal or venture to meet the right people under my highers power care… That is a whole new ballgame; the whole idea. I missed all that when in a defense survival mode.
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So; Im fine.
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Right now; The goal is to keep imagining Im in a family in a house with a mother father and sister and brother and relatives and wife and friends and money and backyards and ski trips and lake trips and cars and boats and 4th of July.
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The more I imagine and work with techniques for imagining; the closer I get to feeling the authentic feelings of those experiences. I recreate them in my imagination until they feel normal and seem normal. And when this happens; I have new narratives; so; many of them going through my imagination; at some point they seem normal; its normalized. And Ill expect it to happen. And thats where the universe steps in to help make things happen in the real world.
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Writing new scenarios for my future;
Ill use the Family Man concept as the example;
When I feel like a family man because Ive created that scenario in my imagination 1000 times in first person pov; Ive written story's about it...10000 of them…. I feel them when I imagine them. I create drawings of them and imagine Im acting them out… 10000 times… Soon the universe believes I am a family man; and makes it start happening in the real world. Soon opportunities show up or I create them with enthusiasm. I believe again. I believe in a future and direction again for my life.
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RIGHT NOW:
Right now Im working on restoring the past; Thats what im using success based thinking process for. Im not using it for a car or house or money or wife just yet.
First I got to become that middle class guy again; especially in thought, dress, idea, and identity.
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So; the first thing that comes back is Identity… Lets start with that. And thats what Ive been working on.
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Does all of this make sense.
Im getting back my original values and culture of my time period of choice in life; When I was first born… And thats my identity. I have to build to get to a higher frequency to be the kind of person I want to be… Im working on it. Working with God on it.
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When I get up to this level of standard and up to speed; Ill ask God Universe Jesus; Ill ask Universe for a Mother and a Father. This will be a virtual mother and father; They will play the part So I feel like Im being taken care of and no one has abandon me. God did not abandon me. And God will help me create a mother and father…
And I will once again live my life from the stand point of a little boy; And do this whole life thing all over again. This will include new narratives for my life; This will include the exclusion of many people this time who are not fit to associate with me. I will be mostly on my own this time while doing this over.
Thats where it starts… Ill imagine Im in a backyard of my childhood home; working with God/Jesus/Universe/Angels On developing… They are my development team…
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Can I make this go faster; Well; I can make this whole thing more enriched by creating more and better deeper stories of my future as if they've already happened. Yes; will it make things go faster; Im not in charge. Many times; I work on things. I turn to something else; and in a few days; things have already changed before I know what happened. Things are always changing in my favor but Im not in charge; the universe is in charge…
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THE BACKYARD; PRIORITIES FIRST;
Imagining Im in the backyard with my virtual cyber mom and Jesus and God and Universe and Angels; They are all helping me develop… Im learning how to walk down a God pathway; And other things;
A thought comes to me;
In a nice home; My mother and father; My MOTHer would have me work on Homework First and finish it first. And then go play. I mean; that would be number 1; because they want to make sure and see me with a future… Thats like number 1 period. No questions; its a way of life.
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Back in my teens years; with a new narrative;
Im starting to see myself; imagining Im doing more social; I imagined I saw myself on a Church Van with a group doing something. However; within my imagination Im a kid; so maybe Im a bigger kid; or teenager in a church Van doing something with church groups. This is in contrast to what actually happened; very negative useless things..
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The point is; its starting to move forward and im starting to remember what it was like having a life Im actually living…
Im starting to remember. And God is bringing this stuff back.
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Ill have to write more stories of my Cyber MOM helping me; writing narratives until they stick. Until it seems normal and real.
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If I want a girlfriend; Ill talk to my mother and father and friends and Jesus and God and universe and Angles; And they will help set it up… I wont be alone this time. Ill run it through my imagination. The point is; I will have a proper set of people to run things through… A new family system in placed through God to help me… Its for my development…
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THE PROBLEM; A HARD-TIME:
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So Now I go back in time to teen years; and I allow a new Cyber MoM and DAD under God in a house God supplies; a backyard; all in my imagination. New narratives…
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Ill be learning how to trust a Mother and Father; they will be teaching me how study and trust studying on a time schedule and relearning how to live under parents in a house as a teen. Learning how to trust through my older grade school years through junior high and high school. Im going to create narratives under God as if I have pleasant loving parents that care; and work through it day after day after day… And do the things I would do with a family; Ill pray first and run this through God until my values and defenses get straitened out.

Note; The point of all this is to straiten out some bad years I had; get them back to a place under God where God supplies people I can trust and work with. Ill rework those years that were bad; Ill go back in time and rewrite narratives of whom Im living with and the kinds of relationships Im having and who is taking care of me and how they are taking care of me. This time; Ill be with loving family members and carrying friends who have my safety security and future in mind…
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When I was young; I had to defend myself against everything because I was never wanted and because I was never valued; so I learned how to do nothing; I was devoid of all things because I would say no to everything so I could protect myself. I was responding to the lies.. I said no; and I was on the defensive the whole time… I learned to be defensive on all things.
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The point is; Now Im learning how to turn that around where I feel safe and learn to allow these loving parents to love me. And allow this is under God.
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So; What will happen; after these new stories are created and solidified; Ill keep writing new stories and wait and watch for the opportunities to show up in the real world that reflect this; at my frequency. And in the real world; I start connecting…
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Is this easy; NO! None of this is easy. Its just not. Its hard and its hard on me and its putting out work but not seeing a result for a long time until God starts filling in the spaces…
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However; its all good…
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So; Ive got allot of work to do to get straitened out; it will happen; its already happening… I have allot of work to do; Its lonely work… Its out on an edge; its hard work.
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I want to turn into someone else; I want to go back and become the person I was suppose to be in the first place and Im going to… And I will re write the stories under Gods umbrella and help to become the person Im suppose to always become if I wanted it that way…
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As I write; I can tell my maturity development and experience is grade school. When it all went bad and I was thrown away; it was over. So; Ive got allot of experience to develop within a family system from 5th grade on through to about 20.
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So; Ill work with God on this as if I get to do it again and become the guy I thought I was going to become; and God has all behind me on this; and so here we go!
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12 STEP GROUPS;
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12 step groups can be very dangerous place to hang out in because anyone can show up at these places. Im not sure they were meant to be frequented all the time as I have done.. Ive actually done OKE; surviving it all accept for levels of some low life scumbags that have frequented those places… Stalkers and such; psychopaths or groups of them; criminal based… Im talking about addiction based 12 step groups substances and other thing… In general they are OKE like any type 12 step group is OK. The problem is the low end… Ive seen bad people show up to those places who were not looking for recovery; just hanging out; nowhere else in society would accept them…
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HAVE 12 STEP GROUPS HELPED ME?
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12 step groups have helped me immensely. After 30 thousand meetings Ive had some results… Altho my base mental condition remains the same; Im originally broken; Im still broken. My symptoms have gone down over the years because Ive worked with it and with God… They still remain. I have little control of them or my mental condition.
However; my soul is so much better and my spirit and my spirit of wanting to live… and live out in the community…
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So; underneath from the ground up; a new regenerated soul and spirit has appeared; Thus; I have worked at letting God help me through all this.
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NOTE: My goal was to come back to reality and then once established back in reality; start over in reality. Most of what I really want is in reality.
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NOTE: I remember asking God to help get me things in reality; but because I was not mature enough to live in reality; I could neither accept new gifts, take care of any gifts given. And I could not communicate my position to anyone else that they get an honest appraisal of whom I am; thus making it impossible for them to have a relationship with me. I was simply to emotionally young to function in an adult world or receive anything in an adult world. I had no choice; I dropped out of society… God finally just put me in a cage and locked the door until I was ready to work with God on things. This is not a bad thing. It means; God kept me out of trouble until I was ready for change.
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So Im getting a life( Thats the goal); I am a damaged person; My mind is damaged; Its very schizophrenic like. My Dissociative disorder is severe… and thus a shade of schizophrenic; its very schizophrenic like. At its worse its shade color of completely schizophrenic ( a bit different kind but same thing; same result); like and impossible to function; no relationships; no work; no hobbies; cant take care of myself; nothing. Not present; Nothing… Almost zero… Zero… Not aware of anything. Have to be taken care of.
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NOTE: I am much better now!
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NOTE: What about Now; ( Still have to be taken care of); Just learning how to feel safe enough to wash my cloths maybe; at a reasonable time level during a month. Did not like going publicly and washing anything. To vulnerable. More then that; cant stand the reality of it; cant take the reality of it; pulls me into reality… Just now maybe addressing this.. maybe. Did show some signs of improvement. We will see…
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Today; I have allot of possibilities to work toward. No one owes me anything.
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NOTE: Im very lucky; I know theirs others in same boat. Many people with the same problems; without the recovery; no success based thinking studies; do they have any hope.
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I have allot of hope.
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Someone asked me the other day; asked a group; Topic of; “ Fear of the future”; I answered; “ I have no fear of the future”! The reason; Ive been living and working within that fear for many many years working on techniques( answers) to match the problems; Ive been actively working on solutions; seeking advice and learning from coaches who teach success. So; Ive done fairly well focusing on solutions for my problems. Im looking for improvement and change; and Ive been keeping up with change and Ive been improving. As I work with God; God has not expected more; only that I keep at it and look for improvement. And I consistently improve my attitude about things…

Am I afraid of the future; NO!
Ive been working on the future for many years now and Ive moved into the future several times; Its like keeping up with inflation monetarily.
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Am I afraid of the future?
Its just another day; I don’t feel a thing. Im fine. Ive already faced all that long ago; Ive been working in the solution of that for numerous years. Im fine… ( Success based thinking practices).
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Normal Exemptions;
Fear of extreme old age; breaking down physically; Well; Im not afraid of it anymore then I should be or any other human normal experience; its frightening I guess If I focus on it; but I don’t focus on it. Im learning how to live a life; thats my goal. I have lots of goals; they should keep me busy right to the last day of my planet hoping…. SO; Im fine.
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NOTE; In the book Think And Grow Rich; Old Age; The fear of dying is addressed; This book suggests getting a life; the more purpose I have on a daily basis; a full life with goals and purpose run through the universe; contact with God/Universe; Hooked up to my guidance system to the universe; Meditation… Learning how to listen for Gods conversation with me and answers.. This is the direction and base to start with. Also; safe support groups. Never do anything alone; always have a team of people on my side… always…
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How do I function in society;
Well. I would say; the fact I even get a chance in any form of society that I can look or act half way normal again is a miracle. Ill just go with that. Ill look at becoming a civilian again as a plus and a goal. Ill set goals and see if I match them with Gods help; certainly I can work toward them…
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IN TRANSITION: God in charge….
Im now officially in transition from 12 step meetings to the outside world. That means I slowly lose interest in gaining attention within 12 step groups and learn to connect and communicate in the outside world again.
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Can this be done. Can I go it alone with no psych help; Well; I I need help on a weekly basis where Im dissociative…
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Ive been damaged; I cant handle reality;
At the damage levels within me; Im weak. So; reality is a hard thing. However; being at 12 step groups with unsafe people is not good either… As Ive said; most of the people are decent people; its only that 3% of the people is a problem… But they are a problem. Stalking is a problem…
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So; The goal is to work with God on solutions for this transition. I cant say it any better. In fact that one sentence could describe the whole blog.
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“ The goal is to work with God on solutions for this transition”……..
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MOVING FORWARD;
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The goal is to step out of the 12 step group into regular civilization… becoming a civilian within regular society…
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Next; is to become productive; Like a working man. Socially becoming interactive again as a working family man.
Does that mean Ill be working a regular job; or be a complete family man. I don’t know; with my shattered brain and problems; I don’t know what anything means; I think more importantly is getting strong enough to stand out within that hemisphere of life and just be in it; I don’t know how well I would function in it. God will make up the difference; getting me interactive in some sort of functions that my goals be met.
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In in transition right now into life again; into civilization. Well; Not really; Its an idea now!@
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How it will be done; can it be done. How long before I don’t need the meetings as much; meaning daily therapy from the meetings; I don’t know. Im kind of transferring out into another more mature situation back out into life. I have some ideas of it.
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Im showing changes occurring. The next step forward is outside; The 12 step group situation has ended; Ive come to the end of it supplying my needs. The question is; am I ready for getting needs met outside in the real world…
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OUTSIDE:
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So; Im getting ready to go to the outside… I can feel it or I wouldn't be writing about it. That means; Ive worked through what I was working on for the last 6-7 years?
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So; There is this dissociated area that Ive not worked through; Im going through that now; and once dealing with and opening it up and getting through it; Ill just kind of jump. Ill step outside to the outside world and be out in the real world… and not 12 step groups accept maybe choice meetings; Maybe at first or just kind of a couple a meetings a week. Something; I don’t know…
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SOLITUDE:
The problem at first is loneliness; the transition. Its hard; Ive been through it before. Ill be cut off from people.
The problem with prolonged 12 step groups; Thats the only place I get any social life or interaction; and im not really getting interaction; Im getting free therapy on the subject Im working on. The goal is to get better and not need the therapy anymore on the subject I was working on; to get through it. Thats the goal. And Im getting there; Im getting to the end of it.
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NOTE: Im not at the starting line yet. I have allot of steps; one after the other; to take. I still have to climb up a mountain and over the top to the others side where the starting gate exists. No problem; it will take time; Ive done it before under Gods care; The real issue is; How long with this take this time. I don’t know. Its all good; it gets me to a higher frequency and then I remember who I am and have access to those memories of a higher frequency and ultimately those bring me to my original identity.
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NOTE: Problem in life; Lack of power! I had no physical means of protection when young. I had no Godly universal power to create a new life spiritually; I had no self responsibility literally. I could not respond to myself; I was 2 damaged… I was not aware anymore of myself; I was completely dissociated from reality.
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Now; I have to get to the end of it; keep going until I get to the end of it.
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Im in the beginning of the end of this 12 step group experience. However; Im not strong enough yet; I have to get stronger; still deal with some things.. Im still avoidant. Keep working with God on this..
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Prayer…. Keep working with God…
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The beginning development of new Identity

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