June 2025
May 2025
So; IVe written much and erased many times...
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Amnesia is beginning to show up again... It seems it never left me...
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It seems its been with me all my life; from the beginning..
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Suddenly I was laying their; and suddenly within a thousands of a second; I remembered..
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Suddenly I remember...
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I was imagining how I would now go further socially; first I would imagine my hand is reaching out and grasping her hand... and I would walk with her; I would see it in my imagination. I would take one step at a time; she would be helping me; as I would see it within my imagination. And I would see each foot step and each leg would lift and drop to the next step and I would see our arms and are hand; holding each others hand... and she would walk with me. Helping me because of the psychological disjointed condition Im in.. That I cannot connect with the outside world.
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And I saw us slowly walking in a living room practicing back n forth. And I saw us in front of a local private college; walking in front of the Theater Hall Building... with the open grass and sculptures... And the Art building across the way; the student union building... college store in the basement..
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And suddenly it hit me. I remembered this.....
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I remembered when I was young. My whole life was about this; socially speaking. All my moves were to learn how to develop outward socially; thats all it was about; having success with this.. For I was as I am now; dissociative.. blinded... Disabled. This is exactly what I was doing as a young boy... I had the same desire to practice these same exact things and I was working on it.
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Now I remember why I picked that friend in childhood; I was desperately reaching out beyond my dissociation to function... Being around others would allow me to practice. Practice was all it was about... I was completely dissociated from reality desperately on my own trying to come back... That is all life was; nothing more... It was about learning how to connect to the people and places and things I saw.... That connection; thats what I wanted to work on...
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As I woke up today in amnesia; I remembered... What Im trying to accomplish now is what I was trying to accomplish then.
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I remember at 8 years old; wanting to be involved in the little theater; I wanted to be alive; to dance and sing and act and meeting sensitive people. I got to do that once I twice I think... once...
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Now I know what they ( Those in charge)did to me... how they destroyed me when young; I already knew; but now I know I was so mentally and learning wize and psychosocially disabled. I was not even present or had the ability to function; nothing; not from the beginning; nothing. I never had a chance...
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The work Im doing now is exactly where I was at when I was a young boy; I was doing the same work in order to wake up and be part of things... The same desperation. I cared only about love; being loved or finding love and connection; that was all I cared about; and when I found a friend; I thought I had found the greatest thing on earth; but alas; they did not feel the same way. I meant nothing to them.... And their was nothing I could do about that; I was defeated and nothing could be done accept to go away and hide and start talking to God...
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Im now at a place where Im dialoging on paper with an imaginary women; and Im imagining we are holding hands and Im am just practicing walking with her holding her hand... The reason is; because if I can see myself; my body hooked to her enough times and feel it and see it and get used to it; Sooner or later I will assume it is natural to be connected physically with women and soon I will naturally start to migrate( with Gods help) toward them.... who ever or what ever GOd has in mind for me. Yes; this will work. Its very hard tho. I scream in pain from the connection; I can feel it... the fear. THe PTSD>.. THe dissociation... I would avoid at all costs. But now I practice.
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I practiced as a boy the same way for the same reasons; I practiced with everything. And then I would go to sleep for a very long time.....
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I met my best friend so I could practice with him and have a place to go with people; his family; and it worked a few times; He had no idea who I was... or why I was around him. I did not understand; alas; it was only for a few times to experience and then I was to come home and never see him ever again; unfortunately; my mind was not in reality and I did not understand...
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I did the same thing with my first love; but with her; I would never be able to go any further. Never; it was like being autistic and schizophrenic at the same time. It was a giant wall of dissociation; I would never be able to cross. That would be to overwhelming.. She did not know me; she did not know; and unfortunately;. she did not care... For at some point; she left and never looked back... She never returned...
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So; I am starting to wake up again; And this is exactly where I asked God to bring me back to; but I had no idea; I had forgotten. I had forgotten what I was really like and struggling with as a boy. Its no different now; no easier... But I have a much better understanding. Im waking up right where I asked God to wake me up; My God; I was just as mentally ill back then... mentally disabled... crippled; skyzophrenical-dissociation.
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Ill pray and work with God and continue my work of imagining a new story for myself and Ill practice in my imagination and write my dialogs and stories of the kinds of connections I want with others and Ill imagine them over n over n over in my imagination until they seem so normal to me they began to show up around me...
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I am getting what I want; what I asked for. I had no idea... I was struggling then as well.
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Hopefully I can make some inroads... The 12 step groups are not healthy for me.. They are places I go to work on my dissociation problems so Im not alone. They are not of a decent nature; thats not their purpose. Well; some might be; but many do not have my moral frequency or values... and it gets to me after awhile. Its an open place; anyone can show up... its to open for intimacy... IVe forced the issue for a long time. However, I did it to get better. it was never normal.
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Im hoping that God waking me up is a sign that I slowly move on into the real world again.
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Being disconnected from reality as I am... I had no other place to go but these 12 step groups or psych groups put on by non profit organizations. I could not talk to the regular people in society; impossible; I lived in a different world.. I lived in a dissociative world.
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Im starting to feel alienated at the meetings I go to.. Its to low on the social level; I need more educated refined people; Im tiring of it... ITs so indifferent... It seems many others show up and already have human connections other places. I depend on that place for human connection. The best I can hope for is a ride home and a conversation maybe. I mean; I share at the meetings and then leave. Its all very autistic like for me...
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I will work with God on all things.
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Im hoping what ever work I continue with will slowly take my interests back out into society to meet new people. THe right people.
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I was never able to tell my first love who I really was; what I was really like.. I thought I had found a friend; But no friend.. I was wrong... She was a stranger; like all the rest.... I had no interest to her... It wasnt worth it to her.. I wasnt worth it... I never had any interest in anyone ever again...
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Interesting all of this.
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