June 2025
May 2025
Significant changes..
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Im changing; Im self actualizing...
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Im starting to move outside and do things with others. Im showing the ability to be social again slowly and only with people of the recovery groups I am a member.
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Im doing art again... for real; at least at the beginning.
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Ive been able to regain guitar again; altho I dont really play all that much anymore... I did until I hit a basic beginning level of the ability to transition smoothly from one chord to another. The key is; I can do it any time I want. Im not walled off from it; but its still hard; but like anyone else. Same with art.
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My emotional state is that of High school; first year; or 9th grade... 4 years of high school. Im at the beginning; 14 to 18.... Mainly 15-18.... However, Its much safer for me right now. Its not perfect...
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Ill work with God on this stuff...
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So; what is the next step; Ill work with God on who and what I want around me and want to do with my life.
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Ill have to pray about this; right now; the goal is; Relationships; money and car...... The goal is to stick to it; dont give up; visualize these things... keep at them. Keep their ideas up until they show up; keep them alive in my imagination until they show up...
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My childhood is starting to open and Im starting to remember; the child in me is allowing it. This would be before I was destroyed at 9. Im seeing things Ive not seen or felt since then and Im not liking what Im seeing. To my shock; Im feeling the stress as I feel it now. This means I was under great stress from being thrown away or alone; this means I was on my own to make friends and think for myself and do things; We are talking about 2nd grade; 3rd grade; 4th grade. 5th grade maybe. by the 5th grade Im stuck within myself.. No movement except movies at home and no one to talk to about anything.. Nothing.
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Later I will be destroyed or betrayed and thrown away at that age... and I remember 6th grade having to come back to the school again in my home town... I can remember 6th grade in the other place when I had to go live with my mother; I was shut down much worse their and cannot remember anything accept the bullies... unbelievable; I was in a complete state of trauma and terror; they had to send me back to my home town because I was in a complete state of shock... No one who cared or who helped me; nothing.
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So; now Im starting to see myself in the backyard of my one best friends house at the time... Im seeing and feeling myself on the grass on the swings with him and his sisters and other friends in the back yard; flashbacks I guess; but maybe not; pure memories because Im getting better right now and moving forward and now that frequency is opening up other frequencies of the same nature... I remember. The interesting thing is the stress... Its as if Im under siege...
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I had the Television when young and that was all. And I would go to my friends house. I had no idea it was all about survival; thats all it was about; nothing else; escape; innocent escape...
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Im looking back and realizing this is not the first set of memories of that house when young that include massive stress and fear.. a kind of light terror... stress. I can feel it again when I think of my friends house because looking back; that is all I had my wits; I had nothing else; just the wits to survive and hope things were going to get better but they never did; but I was under great stress and that was all I had.
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I was getting shut down over n over n over more n more n more. I do not remember my brothers; very little and hardly ever my oldest brother; nothing.
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So; things were not perfect then. I can feel it; but some how I was surviving and making things work for myself just as I am now...
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Im understanding that what ever women I want; the work is up to me. Im really starting to get the idea; get straitened out. The problem is; I wish I had learned this earlier; but it just could not have happened yet...
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