June 2025
May 2025
Went to relives for Thanks giving... I didnt even know I had relatives; I have a niece and nephew; They are grown now.. One is college age; the youngest; So; I met her and talked with her a little bit.. But I never wanted to know any of them... I wanted nothing to do with anyone.
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Im trusting God and ended up around them.
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The mother of this girl; my brothers wife; met me along time ago. And she does not understand why I have problems; she says Im no different than Before; They are not trained in psych problems. I mentioned how Im attempting to come back out socially; But they have no idea what Im talking about because they dont know the reference of what I lost and when. The problem I have started long before I ever met this person; this started in my childhood... and it is there the work is being done. But also a new beginning life... Its barely showing up but its showing up; Thats why I was able to show up at their house; they wouldn't have a clue and dont. But they are family I guess. Its strange... I mean; This girl is my niece.. I dont have a clue.
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I never had a life; mine was ruined; What do I say to this person.. I tried to explain that Im doing the same thing she is... Im starting over in my life; To my niece..
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To her mother; Her mother wanted to know how I would be learning how to connect again. What she didnt understand; By being around her for Thanks giving; I was out and connecting; this is one of the beginnings. It was important.
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I learned something; While with my drunk brother; He was drunk before I got there. But it was different; this was not my mothers house anymore; but my brothers. And he is a drunk and at times drug addict; but mainly a drunk at times; This is not someone to expect anything from. His wife was nice and friendly and treated me like family.
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I have a niece; she knows nothing about me... So; I asked for family; and its been showing up; giving these people a chance will be hard; but I will trust God; they are nice people. The girl will be a computer programmer at some University and can be a professional artist. My nephew is gone from the area.
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So; how I do I feel; hurt; displaced; the whole life I remember was taken from me.... These people dont understand their Grandmother was a psychopath....
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I have to trust God and keep going; keep working at things; working through them... until I get a life.
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My brother wanted me to play piano; I did not want to. I guess he never asked me to... I sounded stupid and untrained and dumb... useless and no good...lazy...
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Ive never done anything with music or anything else in this life; instead; Ive had the worst of anger attitudes about everything. Im trying to change this... So; Ill have to keep working with God.
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My brother said something to me; and for a moment; I felt normal; it was like I was appreciated . Im not sure I remember what was said.
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Im remember my past; the people of my past; and what happened; they moved on; they did not want me nor value my friendship or my presence in there lives and I never thought that... I dont think like that. I never knew how they felt about me.. They thought they were better then me from the beginning; and I never knew and they moved on and left me. I was not their friend... And they were looking for ways to prove it... I never saw it. I have to work with God to open up... But im scared of people; I dont want to get to close only to have them move on as if Im worth nothing; Ill pray about everything.
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Music n Art; Suddenly I want to create music and Art after being connected to some relatives... I can feel it; its like its got purpose; but other than that; Im lost with Art things because Im not connected to anything.... I guess thats the goal Ill work toward. Ill talk to God about.
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The other problem is cleaning my apartment. And that is starting to open up.
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The issue is; Im trying to get in touch with who I was before I got dismantled; and for the most part; that is happening; the problem is the losses; the things I never experiences and the stability that was taken away from me; something created to destroy my belief in man and life; they were trying to destroy my happiness; They wanted to be in control of me and call the shots; they wanted their psychopathic life doled on me; so they wanted me broken... But it never worked... but it's all fun n games for these monsters; its fun for them; thats all it is; fun; nothing more; they are hunting...
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This issue is; how do I make it back; having to relive what was taken from me; my whole life; is to sickening for any human being to endure... No one should have to be asked to go through any of this; its unbelievable. However, I have to keep at the recovery process until it happens... until I can deal with the rupturing... and I can connect again...
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Its not easy; any of this; remembering and getting a life; This is where I learn to trust God again...
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As I mentioned; I made it through the relatives and Im invited back for Christmas; but I have no life of my own. nothing. It was stopped and snuffed out; but Im getting closer to be able to stay present and look at that and when I can; possible start at that level.
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So; Im around normal people that are thinking about normal things; getting married; having careers; doing things because They like them; worrying about money; not people from the past.
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I see that the fake friends I had; that was all I had; so all my weight was with them; and they turned on me; They turned on me because in reality thats the kind of people they are...
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Im making strange progress; I seem to know where Im going but Im not the one in charge. First; I take all things to God until God makes a decision on it; until then I
move. I mean; I treat things like a African poet griot; A witch doctor holy man. I pray over something like a witch casting spells; I do it so much; soak the subject with prayer; it looks very much like primordial mid adventure. ITs very spooky like...
The Witch and the Griot poet live their performance... When a Christian begins to live in their own spells from God and cover and smother everything in spell prayers; a subject begins to move through mid air; that THING is covered from one side to the other to move and to move only with GOds permission; Thus God must come up with answers... Nothing I left unturned not prayed for so much its like basking the subject in God frosting.. Its covered to the point it cant escape; everything has been prayed for for direction that is soaked as if submerged in water. In fact sub inferior cultural types that have been look at as inferiors and feared call it spell bounding. They speak spells over it. When the Christian understands and begins to pray for help for everything about that situations covering it; soaking it in prayer.... every corner of it for change to occur; they transcend into the level of Christian Witch or Warlock... The Witch and Warlock are dedicated. Just look at their names. The Christian; not so much at the practical level. Its not magic for them; Its an added bonus to go with their hardworking. The Warlock and Witch dont say that; The Warlock and Witch depend entirely on magic. Actually they correct in spirituality on several levels; much like the African Griot.
The Key for those who believe in God are to get to the level of the witch.. Complete dependency on a daily basis of magic. That magic will will change things and see them through; but the magic comes from God/Universe....
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The point is; Im learning to pray over everything that I want in front of me... and soak it completely in prayer and then wait and listen for Gods direction. What should I do...
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For example; do keep my bike or sell it; its taking to much room in my apartment... Is this a good move or a bad one. Am I looking for a legitimate answer or just a convenient way to change things.
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The point is; Ill pray about it on my knees over n over and get an answer that will give me a decision; do I sell it or not. Ill get an answer; and when I get it ill abide by it...
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God knows the answers... really knows the answers. If I am to keep the bike; Ill make room; because it was Gods choice or decision and God is in control.
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So; where is all this going...
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My ability to write lyrics is slowly showing some signs.
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I didnt realize; Ive been writing in general for a long time. Its nothing to take home to someones mother; but it is writing and lots of it; thousands of pages; Lots n lots of them for a while now.
So; the idea came up; and it was from God. Why havent I been practice writing lyrics; whats the big deal; its just another form of writing and I writing all the time. No reason I couldn't write 10 thousand songs if I wanted to... I write every day... So; Im starting to look into this and write a bit more lyrics these days; lets see if I can do it everyday keep it up...
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Coming back to normal; thats what seems to be happening. Im coming back inline with society again; Im a ways from it...
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My apartment is getting overhauled by me. Im stripping it of all the junk. Im getting rid of it all; and its starting to be hard work because Im attached to stuff I dont use. Hoarder...
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Im hoarding...
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I realize a foundation for things like song writing or relationships; before this ever comes about it s great development of foundation. Im speaking of a specific kind of foundation; its a later stage foundation; its like build the concept of a relationship for several years before I ever get into one. This must have a first foundation... I didnt realize I could build such a thing for myself and be ready for work or relationship... Im now becoming aware of such things; hidden treasures...
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Im still missing much socially; just slowly building back. But its only a matter of time before things change and my right mind senses come back.
Im experiencing this in my apartment; all of these hard decisions dealing with basics within life. Right now; its about what stays and what goes from my apartment.. What has meaning and value and what doesnt. Everything seems to have meaning so; what do I throw out or get rid of or pass onward. Thats what Im praying about .
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When my mind returns to me I think I can put the proper value on a thing and it wont matter if it stays or leave. Right now; I have childhood value to things; things that create development. So; Im not sure what God wants me to do here. Ill pray and be on my knees praying ceaselessly for the answer and Like the witch; I wont expect anything until I get an answer from the grave. Im totally dependent on God and Gods answers for me. The key is to pray for what I want ceaselessly. On my knees bombarding the situation over n over n over n over n over until it uncover's its answers... It will happen; Ill just keep praying more n more until Im inline with faith for that answer.
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Everything is headed in the right direction...
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Its hard to describe what is going on. The last thing I remember; I was a child watching the Grinch At Christmas time on TV... and from their I would go out and make my own world and I did... And now Im here... learning how to trust again... to be in the real world again...
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Im not ready yet; My mind is not back yet; but its getting closer.
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Im still agoraphobic...
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Ill have to work with God on this; on what all this means....
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I just want to feel safe.
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Im still scared of the outside world; not ready yet; but getting stronger but not there yet; not independent yet; not yet; but getting their; I still have places in my past to work out.. not there yet; but not like before; Im different. Im changing... Im looking for that change that indicates I can perform at something.
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I remember girls that never liked me in the 5th grade or 6th grade; I was not good enough for them. I remember that... I deserve much better then that kind of treatment and to be around worthless idiots like that...
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Im now maybe getting some stability back in my life like before when I was very very young and Im cleaning up....
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Im over weight tho; I dont like it... Its up to me to change it...
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My biggest issue is cleaning up my place; I want everything gone; I dont want anything in it anymore... I wanted it emptied out.
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